English Ladies, Keep Your Hands Up, it’s World Cup Time

The World Cup starts this weekend and England is preparing for the possibility of failure by telling women how to avoid the inevitable spousal abuse that comes with an English loss. Because that's normal.

A professor at the University of London is released a report as to what women could do to plan for the abuse that comes with the World Cup. Apparently, in 2006, government statistics show a 25-percent increase in abuse reports on the days England played in the 2006 World Cup. The lady professor had this to suggest to women:

"For some women, it may be a case of staying out with friends of family members on England game nights or arranging for their children to go to a friend's house for a sleepover," says Professor Paula Nicolson. "If that is not possible, it is crucial that women have relevant phone numbers to hand, and should know where to get help. Simple things like knowing where your mobile phone and car keys are could make all the difference. Many women feel the stigma of domestic abuse, so don't feel able to talk to friends or family about the situation. But if they can overcome these feelings, it might be advisable to get their friends or family to call them to check up on them during or after a game."

How is that phone call supposed to go?

"Hey, Charlotte? This is Grace. England is playing a soccer game on Saturday and I was just wanted to see if you could give me a call after the game to make sure Oliver hasn't beaten the shit out of me. Cool?"

What ... the ... hell? If you're in a relationship where you get your ass beat when your husband's favorite sports team loses, why not end the freaking relationship? Is that okay across the pond? Is that why chicks in England aren't as hot, because of their prolonged soccer failure and the systemic spousal abuse that comes with it?

I'm sorry, but there needs to be a better warning system than "hey, the World Cup is coming up, ladies, please make sure you have some bandages handy for when your husband celebrates/mourns by unloading a wicked left cross."

How about "hey, if you guy gets crazy, remember to buy a gun and if he tries to get fresh with you, shoot him in the dick!"

Good lord, it just seems like they are okay with this. Can you imagine the uproar in this country if we just accepted as fact that sports fans would react to major losses by smacking around the old lady?

People joke about NASCAR fans being hillbillies, but if there was a report like this out about NASCAR races, people would go crazy. They wouldn't just be like "yep, it's NASCAR time, you gotta do what you gotta do."

I love how one of the suggestions, too, is to send the kids to a sleepover so they don't have to be there when daddy starts using mommy's face as a heavy bag. It's like, "well, it's going to happen, but at least make sure the kids don't have to see it."

That way, the family's little girl can be kept in the dark and she can learn that surprise for herself during her first World Cup as a married woman.

Can you believe it? Spousal abuse just accepted as the norm during a huge sporting event? We finally now have an answer to the age-old question of: what would it be like if Kentucky was its own country?