Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
New Orleans @ Carolina (-3)
The Panthers let a 17-0 lead slip away, allowing 17 fourth quarter points to the Chiefs in a 20-17 loss. The Panthers were led by Cam Newton, who became the first quarterback in history to pass for 20,000 yards and rush for 3,000.
"Not in the same game, of course," Newton said. "That's something I could have done against the Saints defense last year.
"We really blew the Chiefs game. And that's too bad, because I brought back the 'dab.' Unfortunately, from there, things went from dab to bad to worse."
Only an extra point away from taking a one-point lead over the Broncos, the Saints had an extra point attempt blocked and returned for a score, giving Denver an improbable 25-23 win.
"We're pretty sure Will Parks stepped out of bounds on his return," Sean Payton said. "But replay officials couldn't overturn it due to lack of definitive evidence. They said that there was no contrast in Parks' white shoes and the white of the sideline. Say what you will, but we were robbed, and became another victim of 'white on white' crime.
"Newton has taken several illegal hits that haven't been flagged this season. I don't know the exact number, but in New Orleans, it would be known as a 'bounty.' I know it's frustrating for Newton to be hit like that and not get any calls. But if Cam thinks he has it bad, I suggest he watch the 2009 NFC Championship Game, and pay close attention to Brett Favre. But notice, Favre had no interest in sending film to the NFL of the shots to his head. The only thing he cared to send was a pic of his dong to Jenn Sturger. And trust me, she, just like Roger Goodell, wasn't going to do anything about it."
Saints win, 31-29.
Buffalo @ Cincinnati (-3)
The Bills entered their Week 10 bye week after a tough 31-25 loss to the Seahawks in a game marked by controversial calls that went against the Bills.
"That left us with a bad taste in our mouth," Rex Ryan said. "Trust me, I know bad tastes in mouths. I have a foot fetish, remember.
"But the Seattle game is in the past. We have to look ahead to our final seven games. We're 4-5; the only realistic chance I see of us making the playoffs is to do what we did in the offseason, and that's go undefeated. Remember, we 'won the offseason,' or at least I said we did. And I can say it, and it won't be fact-checked, because in this day and age, you can say anything and the morons you want to believe it will believe it. And talking, of course, about Bills fans."
The Bengals lost 21-20 to the Giants at MetLife Stadium on Monday night. Cincinnati converted only 2-of-11 third downs, and dropped to 3-5-1.
"2-11 is not that bad," Andy Dalton said, "especially compared to 0-7. That's Marvin Lewis' career playoff record. It's unfortunate that Coach's career is defined by that record. That really eats at him. Luckily, this team is committed to making sure it doesn't get any worse, because you can't lose a playoff game if you don't play a playoff game.
"But who knows? Maybe we can make the playoffs. We play in the AFC North, so we're not out of it by a long shot. Question: what's the tie-breaking procedure when both the AFC North and AFC South division winners finish with an 8-8 record?"
Ryan fires up his team with a pre-game speech for the ages, telling his players "it's gut check time," and demanding they have their lap bands removed if they haven't already done so.
Tyrod Taylor passes for 2 scores and rushes for another, and the Bills foil a late Bengals comeback.
Buffalo wins, 27-24.
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland (+9)
The Browns were whipped 28-7 by the Ravens and are now 0-10. Cleveland managed only 144 yards of total offense and had 3 turnovers, all by Josh McCown.
"Despite the result," Hue Jackson said, "this game gave us something to build on, like our number in the loss column.
"Obviously, the quarterback position has been a problem for us. But we just got news that Robert Griffin III may be able to return this season. That's interesting, because I'm hearing 'RG3 to the rescue,' when Griffin's injury history usually suggests the term 'rescue to RG3.'"
The Steelers lost a shootout to the Cowboys, falling 35-30 when Ezekiel Elliott scored from 32 yards out with nine seconds left.
"Elliott scored 3 touchdowns," Mike Tomlin said, "and I don't think our defense touched him at all. He 'Zeked' when we zigged, and he 'Zeked' when we zagged. The Cowboys were once famous for their 'Doomsday Defense.' Our defense is so bad sometimes, they're becoming known as the 'Doomsday Scenario Defense.'
"We were 0-4 on two-point conversions," Mike Tomlin said. "That means that after three failed attempts, I still felt the need to go for two. So, in my desire to make a point, I cost us two. But you have to give me points for stubbornness.
"Ben Roethlisberger mentioned the words 'undisciplined,' and 'not accountable' in a private meeting. I told Ben not to even worry about the things he did in his early 20s."
Steelers win, 31-17.
Baltimore @ Dallas (-7)
The Ravens dominated the Browns 28-7 at M&T Bank Stadium last Thursday, led by 3 touchdown passes from Joe Flacco. Baltimore is 5-4, one game up on the Steelers atop the AFC North.
"Joe is paid like an elite quarterback," John Harbaugh said. "He has a Super Bowl ring like an elite quarterback. But is he one of the best quarterbacks in the game today? I'm not sure. If you asked a coach to select a quarterback to build a team around, I'm guessing there would be 'several picks' preventing him from choosing Joe.
"Thankfully, we don't have a quarterback controversy. When you say the words 'back-up plan' in Baltimore, it instead evokes fond memories of moving trucks in reverse making their way to the loading docks of the Cleveland Browns' headquarters back in 1995, and then heading to Baltimore."
Ezekiel Elliott scored 3 times and Dak Prescott passed for 2 scores in Dallas' wild 35-30 win in Pittsburgh.
"The Pittsburgh defense is nothing more than window dressing," Jason Garrett said. "But there's no curtain there at all, Steel or otherwise.
"After the game, Jerry Jones said Tony Romo would serve as Dak Prescott's backup in the Baltimore game. Tony may not be the starter for us, but he just made first-string elsewhere, usurping Ryan Fitzpatrick as the most well-payed backup QB in the league.
"Tony is a great quarterback, and has meant a lot to the franchise. But we don't want Romo to interfere with the team chemistry, just as the great Dallas teams didn't want anything to interfere with the team chemist."
The Ravens load the box in an attempt to stop the Dallas run game. After Dak Prescott opens up the passing game, the Cowboys offensive line promptly unloads the box, clearing the way for Elliott to romp for 106 yards and 2 short touchdowns.
Dallas wins, 27-18.
Jacksonville @ Detroit (-7)
The Jaguars lost to the visiting Texans 24-21 and have now lost four in a row.
"This season was supposed to be our 'coming out' party," Gus Bradley said. "As it looks, it might be my 'going away' party.
"I'll probably be called into Shad Khan's office at some point before season's end. While there, I expect I'll be hypnotized by his stylish mustache and told I am no longer head coach, and asked if I know Jim Harbaugh, and if I do, could I please get him on the phone."
The Lions had a Week 10 bye and are rested for the season's home stretch. Detroit is 5-4 and tied with the Vikings atop the NFC North.
"We've trailed in all nine of our games this season," Matthew Stafford said. "Luckily, our kicker Matt Prater has come through for us several times. Matt has huge feet, which explains his big 'kicks.' If Matt got a divorce and had to divide his assets 50-50 with his wife, and his only asset was a goal post, Matt would split the uprights."
Stafford matches Blake Bortles with 276 yards passing, and does it with 17 fewer attempts.
Detroit wins, 26-24.
Tennessee @ Indianapolis (-3)
The Titans blasted the visiting Packers 47-25 last week, as Marcus Mariota and the Titans offense feasted on the Green Bay defense. Tennessee piled up 446 yards of offense, including 162 on the ground.
"I wouldn't advise doing it to Aaron Rodgers," Mariota said, "but you can 'blitz' the Green Bay defense any time.
"I'm not sure if the Colts defense is any better, but they've had an extra week to prepare, plus they're playing at home in Lucas Oil Stadium. Legend has it that the luxury suites there are attended by staff known as the 'Personal Lubricants.' I've also heard that if you ask for the 'greased palm' three times, Jim Irsay will appear bearing prescription drugs and $26,000 in cash."
The Colts had a Week 10 bye and are struggling to keep pace with the AFC South-leading Texans, who, at 6-3, lead the 4-5 Colts by two games.
"We're gunning for the division lead," Andrew Luck said. "And on that note, I'd like to refute Josh Huff's assertion that every pro athlete should have a gun. I don't have a gun. I should, though, because if anyone needs protection, it's me. I've been sacked a league-worst 33 times. I guess I'm fortunate not to have been injured, but it seems the only time you'll see 'Luck run out' is when I vacate the pocket after my protection breaks down.
"The Titans are one of the hottest teams in the NFL right now. But Chuck Pagano has devised a brilliant scheme that he thinks is the secret to winning. The 'Human Cliché' calls it 'outscoring your opponent.'"
Colts win, 31-30.Tampa Bay @ Kansas City (-7)
The Chiefs rallied from a 17-0 deficit to the Panthers to steal a 20-17 win. Kansas City scored 17 fourth quarter points to improve their record to 7-2.
"We're looking good for the playoffs," Alex Smith said, "and very much in the running for the AFC West crown. I don't want to look too far down the road, just as I don't want to look too far down the field, but we're in great shape."
The Bucs are 4-5 after easily defeating the Bears 36-10 last week at Raymond James Stadium. Jameis Winston passed for 312 yards and 2 touchdowns, while the Bucs defense stepped up with 4 forced turnovers.
"That's our first win at home this year," Winston said. "Funny this is, we won it 'going away.'
"Mike Evans sat during the national anthem to protest Donald Trump's election as President. By sitting on his rear, Mike let his ass represent him in his protest of an ass representing him. The problem is, Mike didn't even vote. I urged Mike to exercise his rights; he's urging me to 'exercise my right,' by throwing him more balls."
Chiefs win, 26-21.
Arizona @ Minnesota (even)
The Vikings lost 26-20 in Washington despite a strong day from Sam Bradford, who passed for 307 yards and 2 touchdowns. Minnesota has lost four in a row and is 5-4, still tied for first in the NFC North.
"Blair Walsh missed another extra point," Mike Zimmer said. "That's four on the year. Each time, I've given him another chance. That makes me perfect on the year at 'kicking myself.'
"But that had to end. We finally released Blair. It's never easy for a coach to release a player. I thanked Blair for his efforts with a gentle caress of his shoulder, and told him that's what a successful 'PAT' looks like. Later, my wife asked me how things were going with the whole Walsh situation, and I said, ironically, 'It's good.'
"We're still trying to regain the form that was responsible for our 5-0 start. All we can do is continue to practice hard, continue to grind, play the most conservative brand of football in the game, and live up to our slogan, 'Minn. At Work.'"
The Cardinals beat the upset-minded 49ers 23-20, led by David Johnson, who rushed for one score and added a TD reception.
"Among running backs," Bruce Arians said, "you can say Ezekiel Elliott is a big deal. You can say Le'Veon Bell is. But I think my Johnson is biggest.
"We really need this win to keep pace with the Seahawks. I know they've been criticized for not running at times before, but if we lose, the Seahawks may be running away with the division."
Arizona wins, 23-19.
Chicago @ NY Giants (-7)
The Bears were blown out by the Buccaneers 36-10 in Tampa last week. Jay Cutler completed only 16 of his 30 passes and turned the ball over three times.
"If you ask me if Jay's thumb has healed fully," John Fox said, "I would say 'yes,' because he's back to his old self.
"Alshon Jeffery was suspended four games for violating the NFL's performance-enhancing drug policy. That's unfortunate. Have you seen Alshon's stats this year? If the league suspended him for taking too many drugs, we should have suspended him for not taking enough."
The Giants nipped the Bengals 21-20 on Monday night, led by Eli Manning's 3 touchdown passes. The New York defense stepped up, holding the Bengals to only 264 yards of total offense.
"Our defensive line looked great," Manning said. "Jason Pierre-Paul knocked down two passes. Really, to alter a pass, all you need to do is get a finger on it. So, when JPP puts that big right paw in the air, there's a pretty good chance he'll get one of those three fingers on a pass."
The Giants are 4-1 at home, their defense is surging, and the Bears are without Jeffery. So all signs point to a New York victory, including one held by a downtrodden Chicago fan that reads "You can call the Giants 'G-Men,' but please don't call us 'C-Men.'"
Giants win, 27-16.
Miami @ Los Angeles (even)
The Rams beat the Jets 9-6 at MetLife Stadium as Greg Zuerlein's 3 field goals were the extent of the L.A. offense.
"That's what I like to call giving the offense a 'reboot,'" Jeff Fisher said. "For an offense ranked 30th in the league in total offense, that's what's known in a typically-conservative Jeff Fisher offense as 'kicking' it into high gear.
"We're finally starting overall No. 1 pick Jared Goff. Is he ready? Let's just say it make more sense if we were playing Detroit, because we're throwing him to the Lions.
"But we're looking at this as chapter 1 in what we hope is a long Jared Goff story. And speaking of 'chapter 1,' that's how far along Goff is in our playbook."
The Dolphins picked off Philip Rivers four times and upset the Chargers 31-24 in San Diego. Miami, winners of four straight, is 5-4 in the AFC East and contending for a playoff wildcard spot.
"Believe it or not," Adam Gase said, "we're only two games behind the Patriots in the AFC East. I bet the Patriots are hearing footsteps. But they're probably not ours, because Dolphins don't have feet."
The Rams start the game with t10 consecutive running plays, and Fisher is flagged for "intentionally grounding" Goff.
Miami wins, 20-8.New England @ San Francisco (+14)
The Patriots lost to the visiting Seahawks, 31-24, as a late goal-line stand by the Seattle defense kept the Patriots at bay. New England fell to 7-2.
"Thanksgiving is just around the corner," Tom Brady said, "so the Seahawks defense kindly gave us an early helping of 'stuffing.'
"Rob Gronkowski played most of that game with a perforated lung. That means Gronk played that game with too little air in his lungs. Sound familiar? The condition affected Rob's regular breathing. Luckily, it didn't affect his heavy breathing, because he's still celebrating '69,' the number of his career touchdown catches."
The 49ers came up short in their upset bid, losing 23-20 to the Cardinals at University Of Phoenix Stadium. San Francisco is 1-8, last in the NFC West.
"Is my job in jeopardy?" Chip Kelly said. "I don't know. I do know that in the college game, six wins makes you bowl eligible. In the pros, one win makes you can eligible."
New England wins, 38-16.
Philadelphia @ Seattle (-6½)
Russell Wilson passed for 348 yards and 3 touchdowns, all to Doug Baldwin, as the Seahawks held off the Patriots, 31-24, at Gillette Stadium.
"That was a huge win," Wilson said, "and a very satisfying one, especially for Richard Sherman. Richard partied his balls off after that one. Hearing that probably made the wife of a certain Buffalo kicker happy. Personally, I think some NFL wives should be banned from Twitter. She's talking 'neuter;' Twitter should mute her."
The Eagles snapped a two-game losing streak with a 24-15 won over the visiting Falcons. Philly is 4-0 at home and at 5-4 is last in the NFC East, four games behind the Cowboys.
"Ask any Philadelphia athlete, former or present," Wentz said, "what their favorite bird is. They'll tell you it's the eagle. That is, except for Riley Cooper. His is the turkey, but only the white meat.
Seahawks win, 27-17.
Green Bay @ Washington (-3)
The Packers were overpowered physically by the home-standing Titans, who amassed 446 yards of total offense in a 47-25 win. Aaron Rodgers kept the Packers fairly close with 371 yards passing, 2 TD passes, and a rushing score.
"I do so much for this team," Rodgers said, "but I can only do so much."
The Redskins beat the Vikings 26-20 at FedEx Field to remain two games behind in the loss column to the Cowboys in the NFC East. Kirk Cousins passed for 262 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"There's talk in the nation's capitol of Muslim bans and walls," Kirk Cousins said. "But the Redskins organization wants to lighten the mood, so we're organizing a pre-game concert, in which an all-Muslim band will perform Pink Floyd's 'The Wall.."
Washington wins, 30-23.
Houston @ Oakland (-6)
The Texans picked up their first road win, defeating the Jaguars 24-21. Brock Osweiler passed for only 99 yards, but had 2 TDs through the air.
"Brock could do better," Bill O'Brien said, "but in no way am I suggesting a change at quarterback. Brock has 'top billing,' on the depth chart and the financial balance sheet.
"We have a contingent of our Hispanic fans heading to the game in Mexico City. And President-Elect Donald Trump is footing the bill. He's doing so under one condition: the fans must get from Houston to Mexico City by boat. They'll be 'de-porting' soon."
The Raiders are locked in a tie at 7-2 with the Chiefs in the AFC West, with the 7-3 Broncos not far behind.
"We have arguably the best offensive line in the league," Jack Del Rio said. "Our offensive line is massive. Due to the site of this game and the current political climate in America, I hesitate to call it a 'wall.'"
Houston wins, 27-24.
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