NFL Weekly Predictions: Super Bowl LII

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Philadelphia vs. New England (-6)

The Eagles hammered the visiting Vikings 38-7 behind the arm of Nick Foles, who passed for 352 yards and 3 touchdowns. The win setup a rematch of Super Bowl XXXIX, in which the Patriots beat the Eagles, 24-21.

"We were pretty confident that we'd beat the Vikings," Doug Pederson said, "and so were Philadelphia city officials. Heck, they were greasing poles in Philadelphia. Meanwhile in Foxboro, they were greasing palms.

"But let me go ahead and dispel the notion that the Patriots are somehow favored by officials. You simply cannot give the officiating crew full credit for the success of the Patriots in the Bill Belichick era. You can, however, give them 'partial' credit.

"Nick was on fire against the Vikings. Not literally on fire, just figuratively. If he was literally on fire, I'm pretty sure Philly fans would piss on him, assuming the same logic they used to say they wouldn't piss on Tom Brady if he was on fire. Philly fans are notorious. They'll pee on anything, except a urinal.

"Defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz knows he has his work cut out for him in slowing the New England offense. And it all starts up front. 'Tom vs. Time' is Brady's Facebook documentary series. A similarly-titled theme sums up Super Bowl LII: 'Tom vs. Time to Pass.' We absolutely must pressure Brady, and if we're not sacking him, we at least need to knock him down. Trust me, if there's anyone that knows the importance of a 'Pat on the back,' it's Jim Schwartz.

"We expect to get pressure with our front four, but that doesn't mean Jim won't blitz. He certainly will blitz, and blitz often. You may even see an all-out blitz. Seriously, there might be eleven guys blitzing. We call that the 'game day in Philly' blitz,' because 'everyone is blitzed.'"

The Patriots came back from a 20-10 fourth quarter deficit to beat the Jaguars, 24-20. Tom Brady found Danny Amendola for 2 touchdowns in the final nine minutes to send New England to its second consecutive Super Bowl.

"Danny saved us," Brady said. "Heck, I think the whole New England region can say they were saved by Danny. And if you're not a Catholic, don't despair. Danny has been a blessing to people of all religions, assuming they're Patriot fans. After all, you can't say 'Amendola' without saying 'Amen.'

"Obviously, the Eagles will be playing the role of giant killer in the Super Bowl. It's obvious because that's a role we've tried to play twice, and failed both times.

"I'm ready to go. I just had 12 stitches removed from my throwing hand. It's the inspiration for my new reality series, 'Tom Brady: No Strings Attached.' It's a behind-the-scenes look at my life away from the field. Critics are calling it a 'sure thing.' If they don't, you can best believe it's a sure thing I will be calling critics out on the radio. Honestly, though, I could give a rat's ass, or an ant's piss, about critics. I just want to win Super Bowls.

"If Philly fans want to throw beer at our team bus, that's just fine. But two can play that game. Patriots fans have a little more class; they're just throwing clam chowder.

Pink gives a rousing rendition of the "Star Spangled Banner," but Donald Trump is none too impressed, and tweets that "Pink is not a true American patriot, because she only bleeds red and white."

Awaiting at midfield for the coin toss is referee Gene Steratore, and Eagles captains extend their hands and wisely ask for a "fair shake." The Eagles win the toss and elect to receive, and mix the run and pass perfectly, culminating in a LeGarrette Blount touchdown.

It's 17-13 Eagles at halftime, and Justin Timberlake hits the field for his much anticipated performance. Timberlake kicks off his program with a song about a team comprised solely of the clones of a certain 80-year-old defensive coordinator, geared to stop the run at all costs. The song, "8 Dick's in the Box," immediately flies up the iTunes chart, before an FCC ban stops the run.

Next, J.T. presents a song about the virtues of running a reverse in his 2006 hit "What Goes Around ... Comes Around."

Timberlake is then joined onstage by a large-breasted Halsey impersonator and a Hispanic Halsey impersonator, and the trio of Timberlake, "Falsey," and "Salsey" cover Halsey's "Bad at Love."

Timberlake then calls Rex Ryan to the stage, where Ryan announces his return to coaching, and the two tear into a remake of Timberlake's chart topper "SexyBack" called "RexyBack."

For the finale, Timberlake summons Ndamukong Suh and Draymond Green, and the three dazzle the crowd with a version of 2003's smash "Rock Your Body" called "Jock Your Body."

The Patriots score late in the fourth quarter to tie the score at 27-27. The Eagles take over with 1:43 left, and Foles leads the Eagles into field goal range on a drive kept alive by a crucial 10-yard scramble.

Philadelphia wins, 30-27.

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