NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 1

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon — Gordon is clearly the best driver in NASCAR, as his mastery in the closing laps at Daytona attests. Gordon is the only driver who's capable of winning, no matter the track type, whether it be a restrictor plate track, short track, road course, or intermediate ovals or tri-ovals. Rumor has it that Gordon got more out of Formula 1 driver Juan Pablo Montoya's Williams machine than Montoya himself when the two traded cars for a spin at Indy last year. Gordon measures success by the boos he hears track side at every race.

"I hear a lot, so I must be doing something right," Gordon politely states. "All I got to say to those rednecks is, 'It's all good under the hood.'”

2. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson has nowhere left to go but up; he's finished second in the points for the last two years. Flying JJ won four of the final six races last year, but came up short for the Nextel title thanks to some 30th or worse finishes sprinkled throughout the season. If Johnson can keep the 48 Lowe's Hendrick Motorsports car up front and out of trouble this year, he could grab the first of what could be multiple championships. If not, he could find himself feuding with any number of drivers. Already, Johnson has bumped cars and heads with Kevin Harvick and Tony Stewart.

"When drivers say that everything is cool between them," Johnson adds, "they're lying. Harvick's a punk and Tony drives some ugly orange car that represents some second-tier home improvement store. Anytime I can run him off the track, I will. Then I'll gladly present him with a Lowe's gift card so he can redecorate his bedroom to match that girly canopy bed he sleeps in.”

3. Tony Stewart — Stewart is one of a number of drivers, including Kevin Harvick and Robbie Gordon, who always seem to rub some sheet metal the wrong way every race. Stewart always seems to do it on his way to winning a race, whereas Gordon and Harvick do it while wrecking themselves in the process of retaliating. Stewart drives for Joe Gibbs Racing, and, together with teammate Bobby Labonte, comprises one of only two NASCAR teams with two points champions.

"We're also the only team owned by a three-time Super Bowl championship coach," boasts Stewart. "Now, if Bill Belichick wants to jump to NASCAR, the No. 20 Home Depot Chevrolet Monte Carlo has got a little something for him."

Stewart led the most laps at Daytona, but got kicked to the curb in the mad dash to the finish

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Junior has everything going for him: an awesome family pedigree, an extremely fast Dale Earnhardt Incorporated car, cool sideburns, an instantly recognizable face and No. 8 car, and Budweiser sponsorship.

"Yeah, but sometimes I just need a hug," says Junior.

Well, Junior, that shouldn't be a problem. You only have about 50 million fans dying just to touch you. You know, those people with the stickers on their cars of the No. 3 with angel wings, signifying your father's heavenly status in NASCAR.

"That's got to be the dumbest sticker I've ever seen" Junior responds. "I'm sure Pops feels the same way. He's probably up in heaven with Ayrton Senna and Tupac Shakur, saying, 'Ayrton, Pac, some people are just plain stupid. But, dad gummit, we're making more money now than when we were alive.'”

Not this year, but soon, Junior will fulfill his destiny and win a NASCAR championship. He's dominant in restrictor plate races, and has shown steady improvement on other tracks, so that now he's a force at every race. Earnhardt fought for 495 miles at Daytona to reach the front, but couldn't hold off Gordon and Kurt Busch in the end.

5. Kurt Busch — What do the last two NASCAR points champions, Kurt Busch, and Matt Kenseth, have in common? They both work for Jack Roush Racing, and they both have rickety teeth.

"If Kurt needs a little dental work," adds "Mr. Excitement" Jimmy Spencer, "he need look no further than my right fist to rearrange those Chicklets he calls teeth."

It's all part of Busch's running feud with Spencer, who happens to be one of the millions of people hoping for Busch to fail in his quest to defend his 2004 title. Busch is a little too goofy to be a fan favorite, but he can handle that steering wheel and he has a strong garage behind him. Busch possibly could have won Daytona had he not been sandwiched between teammates Gordon and Johnson in the closing moments.

6. Kasey Kahne — Kahne is only 24-years-old and is almost a dead ringer for actor Matthew McConaughey. But don't hold that against him. The kid can drive, proven by his 15 top-10 finishes and four poles last year. Kahne was running strong at Daytona until he was spun in a late race accident, but still managed a respectable 22nd place finish. Kahne took the pole at last year's California race, so expect a big jump in the standings for Special K and Evernham Motorsports.

7. Ryan Newman — Newman is known for two things: qualifying excellence, and extracting himself from fiery wrecks after rolling his Dodge eight to 12 times.

"That's when my degree from Purdue University comes in handy," notes Newman. "My knowledge of Vehicle Structural Engineering makes a difference in situations like that. My degree is something I'm very proud of. It's comforting to know that if this driving thing doesn't work out, I can always fall back on my degree. Of course, I think the only job a degree in Vehicle Structural Engineering qualifies one for is left rear tire changer, or maybe the guy that peels away the tearaway strip off the windshield."

If races were one lap in length, Newman would be the man. There not, so finding an engine that consistently goes the distance is a priority for Penske Racing.

"My sentiments exactly," says Newman. "Penske has moving trucks that last longer than my car."

8. Mark Martin — 46-year-old Martin, in his 22nd and final year of full-time NASCAR racing, wears his heart on his sleeve and his Viagra on his hood.

"Kind of gives new meaning to the words 'race trim', doesn't it?" chuckles Martin.

Yes, it does, and I'm sure you've been stockpiling loads of free samples over the years.

Martin has been a model of consistency in his career, as evidenced by his four second-place points finishes. Barring some miraculous sentimental journey, Martin won't capture the elusive points title, but will be a factor in the Chase For the Cup, thanks to his expertise and the efforts of the Roush Racing team, the strongest team top to bottom in the game.

9. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth followed up his 2003 championship season with a disappointing eighth place finish in 2004. He entered last year's Chase in fifth place, but only managed one top-10 finish in the final 10 races.

"But I can say this," adds Kenseth. "I am the last Winston Cup champion. What has become of this sport, and society, when tobacco sponsorship is replaced by cell phone sponsorship? It's disgusting. And now, they are allowing liquor sponsorship. I fully expect NASCAR to establish a race called the Hypocrytical 500 sometime soon."

Kenseth lost an engine 34 laps in at Daytona, and, as a result, finds himself in 42nd place in the points. As another strong driver in the Roush stable, expect Kenseth to challenge for the Cup.

10. Elliott Sadler — Sadler has the second-best Virginia accent in the business; he may have lost his ride, but Ward Burton still has the best Virginia drawl of all.

"Ward can talk the talk," says Sadler, "but he can't walk the walk. And now he can't even drive the drive. Now, somebody get me a pack of M&M's and four fresh tires."

Sadler finished ninth in last year's Chase, and hopes to move up the standings this year. It will take more than the two wins Sadler collected last year, in the Pop Secret 500 and Samsung/Radio Shack 500.

"Dang, does everything in my racing life revolve around snack foods?"