NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 7

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson — Give Flying JJ a car with four wheels and an engine, and he'll bring it home in the top 10.

"With what they are paying me to drive," says Johnson, "I could finish in the top 10 on a pogo stick, blindfolded, wearing no more than a Speedo and a bow tie."

Oh, I believe you. You don't have to prove it.

For the second straight week, Johnson and crew used nearly an entire race to work the setup, finally finding a balance with about 100 miles remaining. Johnson finished a solid third, and probably could have caught second place Jamie McMurray had the race gone a few laps further. Now, Johnson owns a streak of 13 consecutive top-10s over two seasons. You have to believe that the streak will continue in Phoenix, where Johnson finished sixth in 2004, and second a year earlier.

"You got that right," ads Johnson. "Me in the top 10 is as sure as the Lowe's Sunday circular in your local newspaper."

2. Greg Biffle — Biffle scored the maximum amount of points, 190, by winning the race, leading a lap, and leading the most laps. It's called the "Triple Biffle," not to be confused with the "Triple Lindy," a dive made famous by Rodney Dangerfield in the 1986 smash comedy Back to School.

"Look, are we here to talk about Rodney Dangerfield," says an irritated Biffle, "or are we going to talk about me, Greg Biffle. I tell ya', I don't get no respect."

Well, Greg, after the race in Texas, you should. Biffle wrecked his car in practice Saturday, so he was forced to resort to his backup car and start at the rear of the field. Double whammy! But no problem for the driver of the "Sweet 16," the Roush Racing Post-It/National Guard Ford. Biffle dominated the race, leading 219 laps and cruising to his second win of the season. And to the winner come the spoils of victory. Not only did Biffle chisel 25 points off of Jimmie Johnson's lead, he also was awarded a cowboy hat and a pair of imitation six shooters.

"If their intention was to make me feel victorious," adds Biffle, "then they succeeded. If their intention was to make me feel like Yosemite Sam, then they succeeded in that respect, also. Now, back off. I've got to pose for a silhouette that will later appear on the mud flaps of 18-wheelers nationwide."

That makes you the hootenist, tootenist, shootenist dad-burned varmint in the West, you long-eared galloot. But can you roll like that in Phoenix?

Maybe. Biffle has only had moderate success in Phoenix, with a 13th place finish in 2004, and a 15th in 2003. But that was then, this is now. Biffle is a true title contender, and is strongest on intermediate length tracks.

3. Rusty Wallace — With his 10th-place finish in Texas, Wallace moves up four spots to number three in the Cup standings, 237 points behind leader Jimmie Johnson. Wallace's 10th-place finish could have possibly been better, but a pit lane penalty left him 33rd on lap 83. Wallace forged his way back to the front, reentering the top 10 on lap 213.

"Pit lane penalties are always a killer," explains Wallace. "Is it my fault my rear tire handler let a tire roll across pit lane? Why should I suffer for his stupidity? I think NASCAR should stipulate that a crew member who commits a penalty will be placed in a penalty box, like in hockey, and stay there until the following pit stop is completed. The driver is still punished, but not as severely as a drive-through penalty."

Dang, Rusty. I miss hockey, too, but don't you think that's a little extreme? What's say we have a couple if policemen patrol the track for violators, and maybe some traffic cops to keep things straight on pit lane?

Seriously, though, Rusty's farewell tour on the circuit is shaping up to be a memorable one. But to make it a truly memorable year, Rusty desperately wants a win. It's been over a year since his last victory, last spring in Martinsville. Rusty will be gunning for victory this year.

"And I'd like to give a shout out to the Detroit Pistons in the start of there NBA title defense," says Walllace. "Good luck, especially to my nephews, Rasheed and Ben."

4. Jeff Gordon — After starting on the grid seventh, Gordon moved up to second on lap 13.

"If we could have quit right there, they day would have been a success," laments Gordon.

As it was, Gordon and his Hendrick Motorsports crew could never unlock the combination to a well-handling car, and eventually settled for a 15th place finish. A disappointing result, no doubt, but not a disaster, as Gordon managed to move up a spot to fifth in the Cup points.

"We tried everything to get the car to drive right," says Gordon. "We tried wedge adjustments, tire pressure, spring rubber changes; I even tried sweet-talking the car, but that did no good. People who were listening on our scanner frequency probably think I'm some kind of pervert, but when your car's not handling right, you'll try anything."

If finishing 15th is "disappointing" to Gordon, then a top-10 result in Phoenix just won't be good enough. Only a top five, or, ideally, a win will satisfy.

"Things will take care of themselves," says Gordon. "I just hope the car is right and we don't have the problems we had at Texas. That was a grueling, painful drive. I've never had that much sucked out of me since divorce proceedings with my ex-wife."

5. Kurt Busch — Busch's first top-10 finish since March 13th was a welcome relief, vaulting him from ninth to fourth in the points race. Busch steered clear of trouble and brought the Roush Ford home in seventh at Texas.

"You know, our strategy was simple in Texas," explains Busch. "Stay away from Johnson and Gordon. No one seemed to want to get close to me last Sunday. Apparently, other drivers fear the Crown Royal whiskey logo on the No. 97."

You've got a point there, Kurt. Nothing says "manhood" like carrying your liquor in a purple velvet pouch, with gold drawstrings. Not to mention two of your other sponsors, Sharpie and Rubbermaid. You're a macho man.

Busch has been strong in Phoenix, with threetop-10s in the last three years. If Busch can keep his car off the wall, and stay away from those who may put him there, he will contend in the front in Phoenix.

6. Sterling Marlin — Marlin has quietly reeled off four straight finishes of 16th or better, and makes a huge leap into the Cup points race, from 12th to sixth. Marlin's Coors Light Dodge was one of three Chip Ganassi Racing cars in the top five at Texas.

"Marlin, McMurray, and Mears," says Marlin. "That's three M's. Turn those upside down, and you've got W's. That's wins, and that's what this team is looking for."

The Ganassi team served notice that they can rival the quality and depth of the Hendrick and Roush teams, as well as the resurgent Dale Earnhardt, Inc. stable.

Marlin will look to extend his streak of two straight top-10s, and hopes to lead the Ganassi team to another unified strong run.

"I take it upon myself to set a good example for Jamie and Casey on the track," explains Marlin, "because I certainly can't do it in FOX Sports 'NASCAR's Sexiest Driver' contest. The rock band Living Color said it best when they sang, 'I ain't no glamour boy, I'm fierce.'"

7. Elliot Sadler — Sadler finished 28th, one spot ahead of his brother, Hermie, after the M&M's car retired to the garage 10 laps from the finish with a drive train issue.

"Anytime you only finish one spot ahead of big brother," explains Sadler, "you know you're in trouble."

It was a disappointing climax to the weekend for the defending race winner. Sadler started from the outside of row four in the eighth position, and began to experience a loose handling car almost from the start. After several pit stops and adjustments throughout the day, Sadler began a charge to the front, and was well on his way to, at worst, a top-15 when the engine suffered the compromising blow.

"Those are the breaks, literally," says Sadler. "If we can keep this car in one piece, then I expect a solid finish. If not, I always know I can find comfort in green M&M's."

8. Ryan Newman — Guess what? Ryan Newman won the pole in Texas. Big deal, you say? Well, you're right. Winning a pole is old hat for Newman; he's won three this year, and 30 in 124 career Nextel Cup races. Of those 30 poles, Newman has won only three of those races, and none of those victories came in 2004, when "Rocket Man" captured nine poles.

"Maybe I don't have a room full of race win trophies," says Newman, "but I got a house full of Bud Pole Awards. And, it's okay to call me "Rocket Man," but please don't start singing the Elton John song of the same name. Just the name Elton John makes me nervous."

Sure thing, Newman. But that's "Sir" Elton John to you.

Anyway, Newman has won the last two poles at Phoenix, and nearly won the race on both occasions, with a second in 2004 and a third in 2003. As bold predictions go, this isn't one, but I'm guessing Newman will easily win the pole, but won't win the race. Like everyone in NASCAR this year, there seems to be a little difficulty riding the pole to victory lane.

9. Dale Jarrett — Rumor has it that the mysterious, unidentified finger found in a serving of Wendy's chili is the right, middle digit of NASCAR Busch series driver Shane Hmiel.

"I can't confirm or deny that rumor," explains Jarrett, "But let's just say he won't be giving me the finger anytime soon, at least not with that finger. Seriously, though, I think it's time Shane and myself got together and discussed the situation. I'm ready to let it go, and I'm sure he is. We could seal the deal with a handshake, or maybe a "high four" from Shane."

So all you are saying is "give peace a chance."

Jarrett held on to the 10th spot in the Cup standings with a 14th-place result in Texas. He's been fairly consistent all year, with his lowest finish a 23rd in Atlanta. That kind of consistency will get you in the Chase, but it won't win races, so D.J. needs to step it up a notch. And remember, Dale, if you want to give someone the finger, make sure you black out that on-board camera first.

10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — After finishes of 32nd, 42nd, and 24th in California, Las Vegas, and Atlanta, respectively, Junior stood 26th in the Nextel Cup point standings.

"That's not so bad," remarks Junior. "That would put me in the Chase."

Well, Junior, apparently you're getting too used to people calling you "Junior," and you've forgotten your real name, "Dale Earnhardt." Do you think Pops would settle for 26th in anything?

"Easy, pal," replies Earnhardt. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm 15th in the points after my ninth in Texas."

Yes, I've noticed. But I doubt Dale, Sr. would be happy with 15th, either. Look, Junior. As son of Dale, people place more expectations on you than anyone except Jesus Christ. You can fulfill yours with just one Nextel title; Jesus has no chance to make everyone happy. So consider yourself lucky.

This could be the point in the season where Junior makes his move further up the leader board. DEI finally made progress in Texas, with Michael Waltrip and Junior in the top 10. And, Junior has won the last two races in Phoenix.

"I hate to sound all educated and such," says Junior, "but I'm going to rise like a phoenix in Phoenix. I predict my first win this season. You'll all know how Junior got his groove back.