Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson cruised for 187 laps in Talladega, avoiding two big crashes, then powered by Brian Vickers and held off Tony Stewart to sweep the spring restrictor plate races. Johnson won the season-opener in Daytona.
"Two for two, baby," says Johnson. "I'm the king of the restrictor plate. Hopefully, this will silence all the criticism I faced last year for causing wrecks at the two Talladega races. If not, anyone who still has a problem with my driving can call 1-800-Hows-My-Driving. If anyone still has a problem, then can suck the Big One."
With the win, his third of the year, Johnson regains the points lead over Matt Kenseth, and holds a 21-point lead over the Roush driver.
2. Tony Stewart — Who else but Tony Stewart would be sick of second-place finishes? Mark Martin, you say? Good point, but Stewart collected his second runner-up result of the year and sixth second-place at Talladega. Leading during a restart on lap 180, Stewart was passed by Jeff Gordon, who Stewart claimed "held up" and jumped the restart.
"That's a trick that's okay when I do it," says Stewart, "but not when someone does it to me. Kind of like getting a wedgie. It's hilarious when someone else gets the business, but when you're the butt of the joke, it's not so cool. And a good pair of underwear has been ruined."
Stewart picks up two places in the points to third, 78 points behind Johnson.
3. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth and teammate Jamie McMurray finished sixth and fifth, while Roush teammates Greg Biffle, Mark Martin, and Carl Edwards suffered through compromised engines, wrecks, and general bad luck. Kenseth himself got his bad luck out of the way early, starting at the rear of the field after performing engine maintenance after Saturday's qualifying. Kenseth quickly picked his way through the field, and eventually led 23 laps.
"It seems that Roush Racing is stricken by a curse this year," says Kenseth, clutching a rabbit's foot, "especially Mark Martin and Greg Biffle. If it wasn't for bad luck, they'd have no luck at all. Gloom, despair, and agony on me! Hey, Grandpa, what's for dinner? Oh, sorry about that. I went a little Hee Haw-crazy there. But at least I can take comfort in the sounds of the Hee Haw All Jug Band's greatest hits on my iPod."
Kenseth now trails Jimmie Johnson by 21 points after heading to Talladega with a nine-point lead.
4. Jeff Gordon — Gordon clearly had the dominant car at Talladega, leading 62 of 188 laps, but, true to the nature of restrictor plate racing, fell to 15th after leading lap 186. Gordon raised the ire of Tony Stewart, who claimed Gordon laid back on a lap 180 restart, which allowed him to pass Stewart moments later.
"F Tony Stewart," says Gordon. "Wait a minute. His first name's not Francis? Who am I kidding? We all know what that 'F' stands for. 'Flip.' Not 'Flip' like Wilson, but 'flip' as in Tony flipped in the Busch race, then probably flipped me the bird after that restart. Anyway, I'd like to thank my teammates, Jimmie Johnson and Brian Vickers, for hanging me out to dry like a wet sock there at the end of the race. Maybe Jimmie's forgotten, but I'm his car owner and I can revoke his license if I so choose. Drivers are a dime a dozen, especially when unsigned drivers like Ricky Bobby are floating around."
Gordon maintains sixth in the points, and now is 221 behind Johnson.
5. Kasey Kahne — Kahne was collected in a lap nine crash triggered by contact between Carl Edwards and Kyle Busch that damaged 15 cars and sent more debris flying than a pit road cat fight. Kahne visited the infield care center and walked away under his own power, but was medically ordered not to continue driving. Fellow Dodge driver Hermie Sadler assumed the ride, taking over for Kahne in the No. 9 Evernham Dodge.
"It's a huge disappointment to wreck so early," says Kahne, "or should I say, 'be wrecked.' I wish I could have continued racing, but I have to respect the decisions of the medical staff. And I have to respect the decision of my crew chief to have Sadler take over. A brilliant decision. No one has more experience driving a wrecked car than Hermie Sadler."
Kahne got credit for a 39th-place finish, which dropped him only one position in the points. Kahne is now in fourth, 181 off the pace.
6. Mark Martin — Like Kahne, Martin was victimized by "The Big One" and had his Talladega hopes dashed in an early crash that damaged his AAA Roush Ford. Martin returned to the track with the hood of teammate Greg Biffle's Subway Ford on his car.
"With Triple A on the hood," says Martin, "you're just asking for trouble. Twenty-four hour roadside assistance? Hah! Fiddlesticks! Where were they on Monday? My car needed them. Subway's never let me down. Anytime I'm hungry, Triple A's not there, but geeky Subway spokesman Jared is there with a cold cut combo. Subway may not be my sponsor, but they hook me up whenever I need, just like Viagra did last year."
Martin eventually finished 35th, and dropped one spot in the points to fourth.
7. Kevin Harvick — Harvick finished second in Saturday's Busch series Aaron's 312, but wasn't so fortunate in Monday's Aaron's 499. The No. 29 GM Goodwrench Chevy was damaged in the race's first big crash, and Harvick fell three laps down. He eventually made up two of those laps and limped home 23rd, one lap down. Harvick still gained a position in the points, moving up to seventh.
"Let me guess," complains Harvick. "Did a Busch brother have anything to do with that pileup on lap nine? Do I really even need an answer to that question? Some of these young snapperheads don't know how to get in a single-file line and follow. Some of these guys would mess up a good conga line at a Jimmy Spencer keg party. Three-wide is okay. Four-wide is questionable. Five-wide? That's like using the median as an extra lane on a four-lane highway. Somebody needs to be slapped, and I'm just the man to do it. But not until I sign a fat, new contract to drive for Richard Childress."
8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt, driving the No. 8 Chevrolet sporting the paint scheme of his late father's No. 3, led eight laps before a blown engine 37 laps from the end relegated him to a 31st-pace finish. Earnhardt fell one position to eight in the points, and is now 274 points out of first.
"Take away the blown engine," says Earnhardt, "and it wasn't such a bad extended weekend for myself. My pal Martin Truex, Jr. won Saturday's Busch race in his own No. 8 car. That dude has one cool goatee. I was kickin' it old school with the greatest actor of my time, Will Ferrell. And, because of Sunday's rainout, we all were treated to not one, but two national anthems by Edwin McCain. It doesn't get any better than this. Yeah, it does."
9. Kyle Busch — Busch was in the middle of a lap nine crash that affected much of the field. The No. 5 Hendrick Chevrolet survived, but not without damage, and Busch only completed 150 laps and finished 32nd. He remains ninth in the points, and is 317 points out of Jimmie Johnson's lead.
"That crash wasn't my fault," Busch pleads. "I've already got enough trouble on my hands, with my bad reputation and growing list of enemies. I'm still trying to issue an apology to Casey Mears for my behavior in Phoenix, but he won't return my calls. Which is the same result I get when I call my female friends, or 'pit lizards' as I call them. They won't return my calls. Just so we're on the same page, Casey, I'm calling to apologize, not to ask you out on a date."
Kyle, this is NASCAR. Real men don't apologize, they watch their backs. Never let your opponents know you were at fault. I know that's a difficult proposition as a Busch brother, because you and Kurt are usually always at fault, but you've got to suck it up. No apologies and no mercy.
10. Dale Jarrett — Jarrett shared his Taladega experience with a special guest, professional golfer and noteworthy fun guy Fred Funk, who watched Jarrett through a safe and solid 12th-place finish in the Aaron's 499. Jarrett climbed into the top 10 of the points, and sits in 10th, 328 points out of first.
"We want the funk, gotta have that funk," sings Jarrett, oblivious to the fact that he's 49-years-old and white. "It was great to have Fred here. We've got a lot in common. I insist that NASCAR drivers are true athletes, as I stated on the '10 Laps With Chris Meyers' segment on FOX, and Fred claims that golfers are athletes, as well. We're both right, and to prove it, I've challenged Fred to a 'Chew Gum and Walk At the Same Time' contest, which will be viewable on pay-per-view."
That's great, Dale. I'll look for that, as soon as I go blind. Anyway, you stated that the ability to drive a car for four hours under extreme conditions makes NASCAR drivers athletes. That only makes you well-conditioned. It doesn't necessarily mean you are an athlete. A true athlete wouldn't throw a baseball like Kurt Busch. You may be an athlete, but until you throw a 88 mph slider to open an Atlanta Braves game, you're just a driver.
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