Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth assumed the points lead with an 11th-place finish, with a little help from Jeff Burton's 42nd-place result. Kenseth now leads Kevin Harvick by 36 points.
"I'm not sure who spun me," says Kenseth, "but if I had to guess, I'd have to say David Ragan. I think he was playing 'tag' out there. Rookies and Martinsville mix like Mark Martin and full-fledged retirement."
2. Jimmie Johnson — Given almost no chance to win the Nextel Cup after his 24th at Talladega, Johnson stormed back into contention with a win at Martinsville, holding off Denny Hamlin for his fifth win of the year. Johnson is now only 41 out of the lead and charging.
"Here's Jimmie!" yells Johnson, doing his best Jack Nicholson impression and re-introducing himself to Cup contention by maniacally taking an axe to a random door. "All wrecks and no wins makes Jimmie very angry!"
3. Kevin Harvick — Harvick was involved in several incidents that required multiple pit stops and lots of yanking on his fenders, and he was forced to switch to a backup ignition system late in the race. Despite all that, Harvick still pulled out a ninth-place finish and moved to second in the points, 36 out of first.
"When life gives you lemons," says Harvick, "you've got to make lemonade. If that doesn't work, then you've got to make do with hard lemonade, namely a couple of six packs' worth."
4. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin dueled with Jimmie Johnson down the stretch and almost completed a daring, late pass of Johnson for the lead. He settled for second, which was good enough to improve his points position two spots from sixth to fourth, and also pleased fans of the Virginia native.
"Homeboy Hamlin almost pulled it out," says Hamlin. "I can only imagine how I would have felt had I wrecked Jimmie and taken the win. Actually, I don't have to imagine. I could just ask Brian Vickers."
5. Jeff Burton — Burton finally tasted bad luck in his quest for the Cup. Tape used to hold his hood down caused his engine to overheat, then a failed valve spring stopped him cold. He completed only 217 laps, finished 42nd, and dropped from the points lead to fifth, but only 48 behind new leader Matt Kenseth.
"I know where the bad luck's coming from," says Burton. "In the first five races of the Chase, everything went hunky dory. Then, my brother Ward shows up in the sixth race, and it all falls apart. Ward has always been a jinx in my life. I would have been an only child if Ward was never born."
6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt was well on his way to a top-five finish until he locked up his brakes 23 laps from the finish and spun, and ended up in 22nd. It cost him a spot in the standings, as he fell to sixth, 94 out of first.
"A simple lack of concentration on my part," says Earnhardt. "For some reason, I thought I was riding in a car with Jay-Z and chasing Danica Patrick. I don't know where I got that crazy idea in my head."
7. Kasey Kahne — Kahne followed up his win in Charlotte with a seventh in Martinsville, and gained ground on six of his fellow Chase competitors. Kahne now sits in eighth, but his deficit to the leader is under 100 points.
"I propose a change to the Chase format," says Kahne. "I say all Chase competitors should be allowed one 'mulligan' race to throw out, and only count your best nine finishes. If that won't work, then let's just crown the driver with the most wins Nextel Cup champion."
8. Mark Martin — Martin's No. 6 AAA Ford suffered a hole in its radiator, but Martin was able to remain on the lead lap. He finished 24th, which was better than only one other Chase competitor, Jeff Burton, who finished 42nd. Martin fell three places in the points to seventh.
"I guess I'm not going out like Formula 1 great Michael Schumacher," says Martin, "with seven world championships. I guess I lacked his killer instinct, which to Schumacher meant running any and everyone off the road in order to win. Who knows, if this deal with MB2 Motorsports goes well, maybe Ferrari will offer me a ride."
9. Jeff Gordon — After three-straight DNF's, Gordon's Chase fortunes finally took a turn for the better with a fifth in Martinsville. Starting second, Gordon led the first 144 laps, but a sun-warmed track disrupted the handling on the DuPont Chevy and he settled for his 13th top-five of the year.
"I've never been a big fan of the sun," says Gordon. "It's bright and sunny all the time, like Michael Waltrip."
10. Kyle Busch — Busch finished 18th in Martinsville and fell to last in the points. He is now 10th, 171 behind points leader Matt Kenseth.
"I finished dead last among Hendrick Motorsports drivers," says Busch, "and also last among Hendrick Motorsports drivers who are allowed in driver meetings."
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