NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 12

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jeff Gordon — Gordon's bad luck continued at Charlotte when he was nudged by the loose car of Tony Raines on lap 61. Gordon nearly went airborne before the car of A.J. Allmendinger slammed him, and the No. 24 car hit the wall head-on. Gordon's 231-point lead dwindled to 132 heading into Sunday's event at Dover.

"So this is what it feels like to be Lindsay Lohan?" says Gordon. "Me, I'm totally sober, casually doing about 180 miles per hour, and I get taken out by someone else. Lohan's coked up and drunk and she can't even park straight. At least she kept her panties on. My point is this: I think Lohan needs a NASCAR-trained driver to chauffeur her around, as well as a NASCAR-trained refueler to feed her alcohol."

2. Jimmie Johnson — Tire issues were the story of the race for Johnson. On lap 53, the left rear tire of the No. 48 Chevy fell off, triggering a pileup involving 13 cars. Johnson escaped with minor damage, and was leading on lap 436 before a loose lug nut on his next-to-last pit stop cost him nine spots. He finished 10th, but made up 97 points on leader Jeff Gordon.

"Did I get stuck with Denny Hamlin's tire changers somehow?" asks Johnson. "Did lug nuts all of a sudden become slicker than Michael Waltrip explaining to his sponsors why they're never seen on television? Anyway, I'd like to apologize to everyone taken out by that wheel of mine rolling down the track. It's funny. We're penalized when that happens on pit road, but not when it happens on the track."

3. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin scored his seventh top-10 finish of the year with a ninth in the Coca-Cola 600 at Lowe's Motor Speedway. He holds on to fourth in the points, 239 out of first.

"Tell me again," says Hamlin. "What does the '600' in Coca-Cola 600 stand for? Is it minutes? I could have sworn we were out there for at least 10 hours. I think NASCAR should mandate a break halfway through, for napping, eating, manicures, or bitch-sessions with your crew. You know, normal, everyday things."

4. Tony Stewart — Stewart lead 55 laps in Charlotte, but had to pit with seven laps left for 1.1 seconds of fuel (that's about $8 worth for you and me). Stewart finished sixth, but knew he had the car to beat.

"I always get a little misty-eyed on Memorial Day weekend," says Stewart. "I love racing in Charlotte, but I'll always have a soft spot for Indianapolis, especially when women drivers are making such great strides. Danica Patrick, Milka Duno, and Sarah Fisher were the first trio of women to compete in a major American race. But Indy won't be truly sexually integrated until they start letting ugly chicks race there."

5. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth started fifth and was strong early, but the handling on the No. 17 Roush Fenway Ford faded late. He still managed a strong 12th-place finish to maintain a solid hold on third in the points, where he is 207 behind Jeff Gordon.

"On a the greatest day of racing of the year," says Kenseth, "with world-class racing in Charlotte, Indianapolis, and Monte Carlo, I was disappointed by only one thing: that Indy got the Chris Daughtry pre-race concert. We get stuck with Kelly Clarkson's awful concert at Daytona. It's just not fair. Luckily, while she was singing, I had my earplugs in, tuned to the latest Clay Aiken release."

6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr — Earnhardt, sporting the special Budweiser Desert Camouflage paint scheme, had a solid drive in Charlotte, qualifying fourth and finishing eighth.

"Hey, if you're in the desert, and you want a Budweiser, and you don't want anyone to see you drink it," says Earnhardt, "then the Budweiser Desert Camou can is for you. What's that? They don't make actual beer cans in that paint scheme? Well, they should, because DEI should take advantage of every marketing gimmick possible while they still have a relationship with Budweiser."

7. Jeff Burton — Burton had moved up his No. 31 AT&T Chevy from 25th to 6th when he was collected in the crash that wiped out Jeff Gordon. Later, a blown rear tire sent him into the wall, and after seven laps in the garage, Burton returned to the track and finished 24th, an acceptable result considering he was 15 laps down.

"You can't win 'em all," says Burton. "Just ask Nextel. They tried to keep me from displaying the AT&T logo on my car, but the courts said otherwise. Now, should I win the points championship, you can best believe I'll be accepting congratulatory phone calls on my rotary phone and not on a Nextel cell phone."

8. Casey Mears — Mears took a gamble on fuel mileage and was dealt a pair of aces — he won the race and ran out of fuel just after crossing the finish. It was Mears' first Nextel Cup victory and somewhat validated the high hopes cast upon him when he joined Hendrick Motorsports and eased the critics who labeled him the weak link at HMS.

"If you would have told me before the race that a Hendrick driver would win the Coca-Cola 600," says Mears, "I would have responded with a popular expression that comments on your skills or deduction while calling you 'Sherlock.' If you would have told me that the winner would be me, I would have told you that you were 'full of shift.' But it's great to get my first win. It really takes a load off, and the other Hendrick drivers finally let me on to the secret handshake."

9. Kurt Busch — Busch started alongside teammate and pole sitter Ryan Newman on the Charlotte front row and led the most laps, 107, before an accident on lap 298 knocked him out of the race. He falls two places in the points to ninth, 519 out of first.

"I guess my brother Kyle, the punk, was right when he said I didn't need help to crash," says Busch. "Don't we make great brothers? We'd make even better teammates. Here's a little scenario I worked out: Ryan Newman to DEI, Dale, Jr. to Hendrick, and Kyle to Penske. If you think Newman and Rusty Wallace had a great relationship at Penske, wait until you see me and Kyle on the same team. Sure, we'll trade information like we trade insults."

10. Kyle Petty — What is Kyle Petty doing in the power rankings? Well, for a number of reasons. Okay, for one. He recorded his first top-five finish in 10 years with a third in the Coca-Cola 600, while driving the Petty Enterprises Dodge sponsored by Coke Zero, which, when mixed with Jack Daniels, creates the popular drink known as the "Jackie O."

"And, by drinking Coke," says Petty, "you can win a tire signed by me. What fireplace mantle is complete without that? Anyway, I'm really excited about our finish in Charlotte, and so is my dad. King Richard still doesn't dig the ponytail, though."