Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jeff Gordon — On lap 190, Gordon was cruising, unable to catch leader Kurt Busch, but with a sure top-10 in hand when he was spun by Matt Kenseth. Gordon ended up in the infield, soaked by two days of rain, and was briefly stuck before working his way out of the quagmire. Gordon finished 27th, and had his insurmountable 344-point lead trimmed to a still insurmountable lead of 276.
"Unlike last week at Watkins Glen," says Gordon, "I actually have someone to blame for this spin. Her name is Matt Kenseth. Yeah, I know. I had tire going down, but you would think a one-time champ like Kenseth would give a four-time champ a little more time to get out of the way. The last time Kenseth spun me, he got a shove for his efforts. That took place in Bristol, and what do you know? Bristol is next on the schedule. I've got a new nickname. Call me the 'Washing Machine,' 'cause I'm on spin cycle. And Matt thought his confrontation last week with a rogue autograph seeker was unpleasant."
2. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin scored his 10th top-five finish of the year with a fifth in the rain-delayed 3M Performance 400 in Michigan. Hamlin is now 276 points behind Nextel Cup points leader Jeff Gordon, and has officially clinched a spot in the Chase.
"There's nothing more boring than sitting around for two days waiting for the rain to stop," says Hamlin. "Check that. There's one thing more boring: a Kevin Harvick/Juan Montoya standoff. Anyway, some of the monotony was broken up when Robbie Gordon declared himself the winner on Monday."
3. Tony Stewart — Stewart finished a solid 10th in Michigan, but was unable to challenge for the win. Stewart and crew just couldn't get the Home Depot dialed in correctly, despite several adjustments, and settled for Stewart's 15th top-10 finish of the year. The result inched Stewart closer to clinching a spot in the Chase. With a 512-point lead over 13th in the points, Stewart simply needs to leave Bristol with a 391-point cushion.
"In other words," says Stewart, "I just need to leave Bristol. That sounds so easy, I think a caveman could do it. And cavemen shouldn't take that as an affront to their intelligence. I'd say cavemen are pretty darn smart if they can convince television executives to give them their own show based on a few popular car insurance commercials. But just to be safe and not offend cavemen, I'll revise my original statement. Leaving Bristol with a 391-point lead: so easy, a Ray Evernham driver could do it."
4. Matt Kenseth — Trailing Jeff Gordon on lap 190, Kenseth nudged the slower No. 24 car, sending Gordon's Chevrolet spinning into the muddy infield. Upon righting his car, Gordon communicated on his radio that he was "letting Kenseth pass" and "Kenseth lost patience."
"Gordon's right on that account," says Kenseth. "I didn't have the patience — to wait for Gordon to take the lead and spin with two laps remaining. But you've got to love my timing. There's nothing like a feud heading to Bristol, where relationships are as strained as racing lanes. You know, they call the track at Bristol the 'Hemorrhoid'; expect flare-ups."
5. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson welcomed back crew chief Chad Knaus from suspension with a strong third-place result in Michigan. Knaus was suspended six races for rules infractions back in June at Sonoma. Johnson now stands sixth in the points, 512 out of first.
"It's great to have Chad back for the stretch run," says Johnson, examining the title to some swampland in Florida, just sold to him by Knaus. "I trust Chad's ability to make the tough calls, like convincing the team that 3/8 of an inch is actually ¼ inch."
6. Kurt Busch — Busch won for the second time in three races, taking the 3M Performance 400 by leading 92 of 203 laps. Busch remained in the 12th spot in the points, but increased his lead over 13th from 96 to 163.
"It was a great week for the Busch brothers," says Busch. "First, Kyle signs with Joe Gibbs Racing, then I give Roger Penske Racing its second win of the season. That's two legends right there, and Gibbs and Penske are no slouches, either. More importantly, that was my second win, behind only Gordon, Johnson, and Stewart. So, should I make the Chase, I'll be right up top with the big boys."
7. Kyle Busch — With the hoopla of the announcement to join Joe Gibbs Racing next year behind him, Busch finished 13th at Michigan, which held his points position of eighth. He is likely to join current teammates Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson, and future teammates Tony Stewart and Denny Hamlin, when the Chase starts in three weeks in New Hampshire.
"Now, there's only one major ride up in the air," says Busch. "Who will DEI sign to fill the position vacated by Dale Earnhardt, Jr.? I hear Teresa Earnhardt isn't too picky about that. She has only one criteria: the new driver can't be a stepson."
8. Carl Edwards — With two days of rain washing away rubber buildup on the track, Edwards struggled with the grip and handling of the No. 99 Ford, but forged a top-10 finish anyway, coming home seventh.
"Pretty impressive," says Edwards, "considering I have a dislocated left thumb. Maybe with another dislocated thumb, and a broken ankle to boot, those Busch Series drivers would have a chance catching me and my 700-point lead. Luckily, Kevin Harvick's raced in seven fewer races. He's a busy man, what with all the Cup races and Montoya-bashing."
9. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex solidified his Chase position with a second in Michigan, which held his spot of 11th in the points. His lead over 13th place is a relatively safe 196 points, and he should easily qualify for the Chase, barring a disaster.
"Hey, disasters happen," says Truex, "especially to DEI engines. It's a crying shame that Teresa Earnhardt won't let Dale, Jr. take the No. 8 with him to Hendrick. Soon, there will be no more 'D' and 'E' in DEI, but there will always be an '8' in 'hate.'"
10. Jeff Burton — Burton finished 14th in Michigan, the highest among his Richard Childress Racing teammates. He dropped one spot in the points to seventh, a week after dropping two place after his 40th at Watkins Glen.
"I know it looks like I'm going through a cold spell," says Burton, "but don't count me out of the title chase just yet. I'm fully focused on the Chase, as are most of my teammates. Now, if I could just get Kevin Harvick to drop his fixation on criticizing Juan Montoya's driving, them we'd all be on the same page."
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