Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jeff Gordon — Gordon completed the sweep of Talladega by laying low for the majority of the race and charging late to make a final lap pass on Jimmie Johnson. It was Gordon's 12th restrictor plate win, and pushed him back into the points lead, where he holds a nine-point cushion on Johnson.
"I moved to the front faster than Jacques Villeneuve moved to the back," says Gordon. "And to think, some of these NASCAR drivers, myself included, had the audacity to question Villeneuve's competency at superspeedway speeds. I guess we forgot that not only is Jacques a Formula 1 champion, but so was his father. And he's won the Indianapolis 500. So maybe we need to just do what Rihanna says and 'Shut Up and Drive.'"
2. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson positioned himself in a dangerous spot at Talladega with one lap remaining: in the lead. After lagging at the back for most of the day, Johnson bolted to the lead on lap 182 and held it until his teammate Jeff Gordon made the race-winning pass midway through the final lap.
"I know Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s fans refrained from tossing beer cans at Jeff," says Johnson, "but I was hoping my Lowe's fans would pick up the slack and sling some hardware at the No. 24 car. We've got a rivalry brewing, and there may be an incident in the future of this Chase to put that rivalry over the top."
3. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer avoided the troubles that plagued his Richard Childress teammates and finished 11th at Talladega to remain within shouting distance of Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson. Bowyer is in third, 63 points out of first.
"Don't call me the 'third man' in a 'two-man race,'" pleads Bowyer. "Any man who drives the Jack Daniels car always has a 'shot' at the Nextel Cup."
4. Tony Stewart — Stewart found out who his friends were when he pulled out of line late in the race, hoping to get some help. He didn't, but fought his way back and pushed Jeff Gordon to the lead and finished ninth. Stewart remains fourth in the points, 154 out of first.
"Two weeks ago at Kansas, I found out I didn't have any friends among NASCAR officials," says Stewart. "At Talladega, I found out I didn't have any friends among drivers. I guess 'found out' is not the right set of words. I think it was 'confirmed' that I didn't have any friends anywhere."
5. Carl Edwards — Edwards finished 14th in the UAW-Ford 500, the best finish among Roush Fenway drivers. He moves up one spot to sixth in the points, but is a distant 205 points out of the lead.
"What an improbable day in Alabama," says Edwards. "First, Michael Waltrip wins the pole, which is practically a miracle. Then, Jacques Villeneuve survives the entire race, which we NASCAR snobs thought was a miracle. Then, Jeff Gordon wins the race, and only has one beer can thrown at him. That's a miracle. I think that's attributable to confusion among Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fans about what they should actually throw. And when Junior fans think, they usually run out of time."
6. Kurt Busch — Busch wasn't victimized by any of Sunday's crashes and finished seventh at Talladega, but still lost 38 points to the lead despite gaining two places. He is is ninth, 215 out.
"I haven't seen such orderly, single-file lines since kindergarten," says Busch. "And, despite my boyish looks and lack of facial hair, it's been about 25 years since I was in kindergarten. Trust me when I say the rest of my body had to grow in to my ears."
7. Kevin Harvick — Harvick lost a cylinder, just one of the many engine problems that affected DEI and RCR cars at Talladega. Harvick stayed on the lead lap and finished 20th, and is 202 out of first in the points.
"The DEI-RCR engine collaborative had a rough day," says Harvick. "I think our cars left more parts on the track than those involved in all the wrecks."
8. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin recorded his first top-10 finish of the Chase, leading the most laps and finishing fourth at Talladega. The result moved him from last to ninth in the points, where he trails Jeff Gordon by 262 points.
"A couple of DNF's for Gordon," says Hamlin, "and four or five failed inspections by Jimmie Johnson, and we're right back in this."
9. Kyle Busch — Busch's No. 5 Chevrolet was destroyed in a lap 44 crash triggered by a mechanical failure on the No. 43 car of Bobby Labonte, a pileup that also demolished the car of Matt Kenseth. Busch finished 36th, and fell 260 behind points leader Jeff Gordon.
"I really feel I could have been a factor at the end," says Busch, "or at least made it interesting. With me on the track, I give the other drivers choices. Do they want to work with a current teammate, a former teammate, someone they dislike, or their brother. With my brother Kurt, the latter two apply."
10. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex suffered engine problems and finished 42nd, falling 300 points out of the Chase lead.
"And all this time I thought Teresa Earnhardt was sabotaging only Dale, Jr.'s engines," laments Truex. "I guess she's treating me like a stepchild, too."
Leave a Comment