Lawrence from Little Rock, AR writes, "NFL Network covered 26 hours of the NFL Draft Combine in Indianapolis. Can a bunch of sprints and jumps really indicate a players potential quality?"
Wow! Twenty-six hours of video footage that's subject to limited viewership? Sounds like a collection from the New England Patriots underground video vault. But just as fastidiously as Bill Belichick watches the seemingly irrelevant movements of a St. Louis Rams walk-through, there are viewers watching with wide-eyed amazement as potential NFL draft picks are put through mental and physical tests that quantify their capacity to be athletes and/or good citizens.
Of course, good citizenship alone won't get you drafted, but as the NFL Combine, or the adult film industry, for that matter, has proved again and again, incredible physical feats always overrides even the most obvious absence of mental aptitude. So you could be the biggest dummy in the room, but if your clean and jerk is impressive enough, then you'll have a job in the NFL, or in the adult film industry, for that matter.
A lot of fans watch the combine just because it's on, not necessarily because they want to. But once you watch, you can't help but be sucked in to the drama and intrigue of measures of strength and speed, such as the 40-yard dash, the vertical jump, the broad jump, the bench press, the three-cone drill, the 20-yard shuttle, and the 60-yard shuttle. These are simply the physical measures of players' abilities.
But can these really give teams an accurate measure of how an athlete will perform as professionals? Truly beneficial tests would include the '200-yard dash from the cops,' or the '3-stripper drill,' or the '80-yard shuttle from the holding cell to the fingerprint station,' or the 'bouncer sucker-punch.' And everyone knows that a legitimate '40' measurement is the time it takes to down 40 ounces of liquor and toss the empty bottle at a road sign, all while maintaining a speed of 90 or above. For additional insight, the urine test offers great results, indicating how well a prospect can urinate in public without being seen. There is more to becoming a solid NFL player than just some token times, distances, and repetitions. A flawless recitation of the alphabet, backwards, with a flashlight shining in your eyes? That's when you know that your game is ready for the next level.
Unfortunately, player weigh-ins are no longer televised. This has to be upsetting to NFL purists, as well as boxing promoter and world-class buffoon Don King, who's never seen a weigh-in in which he couldn't stage a confrontation. Obviously, some chubby lineman complained that they felt embarrassed by the spectacle of being weighed in public. The names of these players should be red-flagged immediately by prospective drafters.
Part of being a successful offensive or defensive linemen in the NFL is the utter disregard for your physical appearance. If obese linemen were concerned with their disheveled and sloppy appearance, then Dan Dierdorf wouldn't be in the Hall of Fame, and Tony Siragussa wouldn't have the nerve to engulf NFL sidelines and spout cartoonish commentary. Personally, I think all players should wear two-piece bikinis to the weigh-in, and their personality tests should be administered then and there. Scouts would have their answers immediately about players' ability to maintain their composure under the most embarrassing of circumstances. I'm guessing Pacman Jones would have pulled a piece from his bikini top and fired off a few warning shots. And the Titans would have been impressed.
If the weigh-ins and height measurements do nothing else, at least they offer the truth. That was especially the case when California wide receiver DeSean Jackson, listed throughout his college career at a towering 6,' was revealed to be a mere 5'9". It had to be the most talked-about instance of a Jackson losing three inches off the top since Michael Jackson's jeri-curled 'do went up in flames back in 1984. Suddenly, Jackson's price tag went down, and suddenly, Danny DeVito doesn't seem so short.
Let's not forget the NFL Network's coverage is hosted by Rich Eisen, and who can pass up a chance to watch a show hosted by Eisen? I can't. On a network known for badly-announced regular-season games and exclusive features like "Put Up Your Dukes," 26 hours of the NFL Combine looks pretty inviting. How did Jamie Dukes get his own show? I believe, first, someone at the NFL Network came up with a clever title for a show, then they hired Dukes. Let's be thankful Andy Dick doesn't have his own show on the network.
But the best thing about the NFL Network's coverage of the Combine: no Mel Kiper, Jr. It must kill Kiper not to be able to voice his opinions and show off his Eddie Munster hairdo directly to the NFL Network viewers. But, as always, Kiper will have his say elsewhere, and his mock draft will continue to change by the minute. The NFL Network's Mike Mayock is just as capable of over-analysis as Kiper, and he's got a regular hairstyle.
When all is said and done, the Combine will be history, and the information gathered will raise the draft status of some, and lower it for others. But the real questions about a player's ability to handle the rigors of the pro game can't be answered until that player faces the tough situations inherent to football, like criminal charges. Until the Combine vastly changes its testing procedures, these answers will be clouded among useless numbers and statistics. In the meantime, Roger Goodell should have his appointment calendar readily available.
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March 1, 2008
Rajiv Bais:
Jamie Dukes has worked on NFL Network since 2006. Then he got his own show called “Put Up Your Dukes.”