Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kurt Busch — Busch avoided the three big wrecks at Talladega, and survived a skid through the infield after losing control on lap 60, to post a sixth-place finish and jump to the top of the Sprint Cup point standings. Busch passed Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson in the points, both of whom fell victim in separate crashes in the Aaron's 499.
"I think Roger Penske would agree with me," says Busch, "that this is something to yell about. And believe me, that radio chatter would be safe for virgin ears. But who am I to speak on the subject of virgin ears?"
"If you've noticed, it was mostly the drivers who wrecked that are calling for NASCAR to amend some of the rules of restrictor plate racing in the name of safety. Me? I'm all for restrictor plates. That is, restrictor plates on the opinions of drivers opposed to restrictor plate racing."
2. Jeff Gordon — Gordon's Talladega hopes were squelched early on Sunday in the wreckage of the early "Big One," a 13-car pile-up that sent Gordon to the garage for lengthy and major repairs. On lap 7, Gordon's No. 24 Chevrolet, sporting Darrel Waltrip's classic 1983 Pepsi Challenger paint scheme, was clipped by Matt Kenseth, sent into the wall, and into the path of nearly the entire field. Gordon completed 128 laps and finished 37th, and lost the points lead. He is now in second, 5 behind Kurt Busch.
"I guess Kenseth took the 'Pepsi Challenge," says Gordon. "And won."
"Kenseth and I have had our share of run-ins, and usually, I find myself on the short end. Bristol 2006. Talladega 2009. I think, instead of the Pepsi Challenger retro paint scheme, it would have made more sense had my car displayed a paint scheme of the new Zac Efron movie, because after my accident, I found myself saying '17 Again?'"
3. Jimmie Johnson — With nine laps to go, Johnson was lurking, in position to challenge for the win, when Denny Hamlin bumped Juan Montoya, sparking another multi-car pileup that collected the Lowe's No. 48 Chevrolet. Johnson finished 30th, and was clearly unhappy with the driving that abruptly ended his day.
"I'm not one to name names," says Johnson, "unless I running down the list of my sponsors whenever there's a camera thrust in front of me."
"If it's incredible speeds, spectacular crashes, and exciting finishes, Talladega Superspeedway delivers. If it's impatient driving leading to an accident that spoils my chances, then Fed Ex delivers."
4. Tony Stewart — On the race's final restart, Stewart lost a cylinder and fell considerably back, foiling an opportunity to hook up with Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Ryan Newman, who led at the time and eventually finished third. Stewart hobbled across the line in 23rd, the last car on the lead lap.
"For me," says Stewart, "the 'Big One' wasn't a massive accident, but a single engine cylinder."
I really thought I could have got in line with Ryan and run a train to possible victory, but it was not to be. My engine soured, and Ryan was caught in one of the 'Big One's.'"
"But really, talk of 'running trains' and 'big ones' segued nicely to talk of my next hauler party, which took place in the lovely Talladega infield. As long as my hauler's in the infield, then the infield 'fly' rule is in effect. And just like the race on Sunday, my party featured 'three-wide' action, fire, spectator injuries, visits to the infield care center, and a surprise visit from Brad Keselowski."
5. Carl Edwards — In the lead, and with the finish line in sight, Edwards' plan to hang back and make a late dash in the Aaron's 499 nearly came to fruition. Edwards teamed up with the No. 09 car of Brad Keselowski in the closing laps, and the two easily rumbled past the inside line led by Ryan Newman and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. But, as Edwards went to block Keselowski's pass attempt on the low line, the No. 99 was nudged by Keselowski directly into the path of Newman's No. 39, the force of which sent Edward's Ford crashing into the catch fence. Keselowski went on to victory, while Edwards' car came to rest within feet of the finish line. Edwards exited his wrecked machine and jogged to the finish line, symbolically completing his final lap.
"It's incredibly disappointing to come so close to my first Talladega victory," say Edwards, "only to have it ripped away at the last moment." "However, on a positive note, I did accomplish another first — completing a backflip while still in the car."
"You know, while I was airborne, I had lots of time to think. And I came to the conclusion that NASCAR needs to review restrictor plate racing and makes some changes so what happened late Sunday is never repeated. Or, maybe the simplest solution is for drivers, like myself, not to try to block a pass at 200 miles per hour."
6. Kyle Busch — Busch led a race-high 42 laps, and was in the front with 17 laps to go when a spin initiated by contact from Jeff Burton ended his reign out front. Then, Busch was unable to refire the engine of the No. 18 Pedigree Toyota, and after a push from a safety vehicle, he found himself a lap down. He finished 25th, and dropped one slot to sixth in the point standings.
"With the Pedigree paint scheme on my car," says Busch, "it was unfortunately fitting that I experienced a 'dog-day afternoon.' And, as I idly sat in my car as the field roared by, along with my chances at victory, all I could say was dog 'gone.' Well, that and countless references to the male offspring of a female canine."
"As for all the talk about the inherent danger in racing at superspeedways, there is no simple solution that will restrictor 'placate' everyone. In NASCAR's defense, I think they are reluctant to make changes that may deny fans the action, however dangerous, that they want to see. NASCAR fans are a resilient bunch; if outrageous ticket prices won't drive them away, then I doubt the threat of physical harm will either."
"Besides, what can possibly make a better souvenir than a piece of a race car? You know, there are lot of things you can buy at NASCAR merchandise stands. Shrapnel isn't one of them."
7. Denny Hamlin — Within a span of three laps, Hamlin experienced the agony and the ecstasy of racing at Talladega, with the end result being a wrecked race car and the ire of his contemporaries. On lap 177, Hamlin linked up with Ryan Newman, and the two sailed past the leaders. Then, just as quickly, Hamlin lost the draft and fell back, and on lap 181, tapped Juan Montoya, causing the second "Big One," which collected several cars. Hamlin finished the day 22nd.
"I'm sure a lot of the guys are calling my driving 'Ham'-fisted," says Hamlin. "They can 'den'-igrate my ability all they want. Their request for an apology — 'Den-ny'-ed."
"Now, in a restrictor plate race, traffic is always an issue. And if you're bumper-to-bumper with a Colombian, it becomes an even more serious issue — cocaine trafficking."
8. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer was a casualty of the lap 7 "Big One," his No. 33 BB&T Chevrolet a crumpled heap after the crash that collected thirteen cars. While the accident sent four cars involved to the garage for good, Bowyer's crew worked feverishly to get him back on the track. Eventually, he returned to the race and completed the final lap, finishing 39th. Bowyer dropped two places in the Sprint Cup point standings to eighth.
"What's important is we kept my streak of not having a 'DNF' alive," says Bowyer. "I've got to hand it to the BB&T team. They spent over three hours repairing the car to get my back out there. They showed a lot of spirit and hard work. That's what this team is all about. No, not spirit and hard work. But setting and achieving goals, albeit senseless ones."
"Was there any rhyme or reason to wasting resources repairing a totaled car just to complete the final lap and keep a silly DNF streak alive? No, it was an illogical and unreasonable proposition. We really had nothing to gain, or lose. So, call it a 'catch-33.'"
9. Greg Biffle — Biffle was one of the few to remain unscathed on a chaotic day at Talladega, as he kept his car out of harm's way in three big crashes, including a narrow miss of teammate Carl Edward's wrecked Ford Fusion during a crash-filled finish. Biffle finished seventh, his third-straight top-10 result, and is now tenth in the point standings after advancing four places.
"Wow, what a wild finish," says Biffle. "Carl nearly ran the perfect race, except for the part where people were nearly killed."
"But it's quite a testament to Carl's fitness and stamina that he was able to emerge from a violently-wrecked race car and make it to the finish line. Only a workout freak like Carl could drive nearly 500 miles, then finish with a light jog."
10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt posted his first top-five finish of the year with a runner-up result in the Aaron's 499, as his protégé, Brad Keselowski, capped a wild day with an even wilder finish in scoring the victory. Earnhardt led for 20 laps on the day, and was anticipating a last lap move on Ryan Newman until Keselowski and Carl Edwards rolled to the lead on the high side.
"Congratulations to Brad," says Earnhardt, "for the biggest win in his career. It all downhill from here. He's in the record books for the most exciting win in Talladega history, as well as the dorkiest post-race interview."
"As you know, Brad drives for my Nationwide JR Motorsports team. So I got quite a bit of satisfaction from seeing an employee win a race. It's a lesson Teresa Earnhardt never quite learned."
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