* Celibate, good times, come on!: — Tiger Woods lost in the first round of the World Match Play championship after hitting his tee shot on the first extra hole into a desert bush. He eventually bogeyed the hole and lost to his good friend, Denmark's Thomas Bjorn, who whispered some private words to Woods on the green after Woods conceded. Reportedly, Bjorn repeated those unfortunate words Woods was forced to say not long ago: "stop sucking."
* Cam-Uppance — Cam Newton told Sports Illustrated's Peter King that he sees himself "not only as a football player, but an entertainer and icon." The quotes stirred some current NFL players, such as Green Bay's A.J. Hawk, and many hinted that Newton would be a marked man. Not to be out-shined, Newton announced his newest endorsement deal, with Target.
Hüsker Dön't's — Connecticut basketball coach Jim Calhoun was suspended for three games in the 2011-2012 season for recruiting violations committed under his watch. The NCAA spared the Huskies a postseason ban, a ruling which, under the circumstances, is called a "no-look pass."
* Boy Wunder — 20-year-old rookie Trevor Bayne won the Daytona 500 on Sunday, becoming the youngest driver to win NASCAR's biggest race. Bayne is so young, he calls the Gillette Young Guns "Sir," and calls Mark Martin "Thou."
* Manhattan Transfer — The Nuggets traded Carmelo Anthony to the Knicks on Monday, finally completed a deal that had been discussed as far back as last summer. In the trade, the Knicks also received Chauncey Billups, Shelden Williams, Anthony Carter, Renaldo Balkman, inflated expectations, and the unwanted attention of Isiah Thomas.
* Sloan of Contention — All-star guard Deron Williams was traded from Utah to the Nets for Derrick Favors, Devin Harris, two first-round draft picks, and cash considerations. The addition of Williams gives the Nets something they lacked before: a player whom Jerry Sloan hates.
* Let Off (Big) Easy — The New Orleans Saints cut tight end Jeremy Shockey on Tuesday. Ironically, when leaving, Shockey demanded a rookie carry his bags.
* Half-White Men Can Jump — Blake Griffin jumped over a car for the winning dunk in Saturday's Slam Dunk Contest, catching a pass from teammate Baron Davis, who was stationed in the car's sunroof, while the Crenshaw Select Choir sang "I Believe I Can Fly." Upon hitting the ground, Griffin realized he had landed right smack dab in the middle of a Tyler Perry movie set. After accepting the winner's trophy, Griffin was penalized 45 yards and fined $25,000 by the NFL for using three too many props for his dunk.
* Mánage a Trente — Chicago White Sox general manager Ken Williams commented that $30 million for one player was "asinine" when asked about St. Louis slugger Albert Pujols becoming MLB's highest-paid player when he becomes a free agent after this season. It's odd that Williams would decline to engage in a bidding war for Pujols, because he's likely the one player who could put the White Sox "over the top."
* Charging and Blocking — The NCAA says Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl and former football coach Lane Kiffin committed recruiting violations and were non-compliant in the NCAA investigations. The university has until May 21 to respond, and/or change their names from "Volunteers."
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