Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Arizona @ Miami
"I am proud to say that, once again, Florida played the role of ground zero in this year's presidential election," announces Miami coach Dave Wannstedt.
Whoa, Dave. Florida meant nothing this year. I think the ground zero they were referring to is Pro Player Stadium. "Ground Zero" meaning your running game is pathetic. By the way, the Dolphins are last in the league in rushing, and you're pretty close to the bottom in passing, as well.
"Tell me something I don't know, brother" adds Wannstedt, "but I bet we're first in the league at things we're last at. If Jay Fiedler would commit himself full-time to quarterbacking, he could move up those passer rankings. But as long as he's moonlighting as Ernie the Keebler Elf, then he won't see the improvement we desire. But he makes an awesome fudge cookie, and he's got the cutest little elfin ears. Next time you see him without a helmet, look at those ears."
Okay, Dave, consider it done.
Arizona quarterback Josh McCown also occupies a position near the bottom in passing yardage. McCown also occupies a position, along with his brother Luke of the Cleveland Browns, in the brothers' rap tribute band, the Insane McCown Posse.
"It's very liberating from the rigors of professional quarterbacking to apply silly clown make-up and then make some of the most god-awful rap music ever heard," explains Josh. "We've got an album coming out this Tuesday. It's called Insane McCown Posse: Unmasked, Unplugged, and Unlistenable. Look for it in the 'These CDs Are Free, Please Take Them' bin at your nearest record store."
And even then they would be hard to give away, equally as hard as it will be to watch this game. Although you wouldn't have known it by their performance last Monday versus the Jets, the Dolphins' defense is good. Their problem is they are on the same team as the offense. But the Cardinal offense is not the Jets'. Fiedler should do just enough to win; McCown should do just enough to lose.
Miami wins, 20-14.
Dallas @ Cincinnati
If you blinked, you probably missed it. It happened so fast. Vinny Testaverde scored on a three-yard touchdown run.
"No, wait. It didn't happen that fast at all," explains Dallas head coach Bill Parcells. "If you check the stats sheet, you'll see that Vinny's score was at the end of a two-play drive. Now, since Vinny's so slow that it takes him about eight minutes to cover three yards, we ended up consuming about 9:31 in that drive. That's the kind of ball control I love to see."
But the biggest stories of this game involve the Johnson's, Keyshawn of Dallas and Chad of Cincinnati. Keyshawn is currently embroiled in a disagreement with FOX sideline reporter and ghetto babe Pam Oliver, who claims Johnson yelled at his receivers' coach Sean Payton two weeks ago. Johnson, of course, denies it, and says Oliver deserves to be "spanked." Now, we all know Keyshawn's a liar and a crybaby, but I've got to hand it to him; it's a crafty way of trying to treat yourself to a spanking of Pam Oliver. She is certainly naughty, and deserves a firm hand on her behind. Keyshawn just needs to be beaten with a stick.
When Cincinnati's Chad is not catching passes, guaranteeing victories, or sending Pepto Bismol to opposing defensive backs, he's, well, that's pretty much all he does.
"But, doggone it," Johnson comments, "I'd really like to be spanking Pam Oliver. And CBS' Jill Arrington could use my hand on her butt, as well. And FOX weather girl Jillian Barberie, woo wee, she needs some serious corporal punishment. You know, forget the Pepto. I'm going to send Roy Williams and Terrence Newman some ping-pong paddles. I'm sure they know some women that need a spanking."
Well, since no one is talking football, I guess I will. Chad scores one TD, and the other Bengal Johnson, Rudi, adds another. Testaverde only finds the end zone through the air, but throws two costly interceptions.
Cincinnati wins, 25-22.
Kansas City @ Tampa Bay
"It's official," says Priest Holmes, "and I've got this notarized certificate to prove it. I am the greatest running back in the game today. I can do it all. I can break off the long gainer. I can power it in from the three. I can catch the pass and score. And I am the master of the lost art of the Walter Payton one-yard dive over the pile for the touchdown."
Who can argue with Holmes? He is the best, as his 14 touchdowns will attest. Holmes owes much of his success to the Chiefs' offensive line, which is clearly the best in the NFL, with apologies to the Miami Dolphin running game. And with defenses forced to respect the run, Trent Green is free to pick apart opposing pass defenses at his whim.
"You're right," says Green. "But I think a more appropriate cliché than 'forced to respect the run' is 'our running game is keeping defenses honest.' Just a suggestion. Anyway, right now, we are the most feared 3-4 team in the NFL, maybe in NFL history. Tampa Bay may very well be the most feared 2-5 team in the league, but with the way we are playing, we fear no one. No, if you're talking fear-inducing 1-6 teams, we have to raise our hackles to the Carolina Panthers, who have already whipped us."
Trent, it's those tiny, little hints of cowardice that may eventually spell Kansas City's downfall. And speaking of downfall, the Bucs are familiar with downfall -- their own. Two years after winning it all, the Bucs are struggling to stay out of the NFC South cellar. And the Bucs' defense is surrendering well over 100 yards rushing per game.
"Hot dog!" yells Holmes. "That means about 140 yards and two TDs for me. Hey, Broncos! Hey, Chargers! We're baaaaack."
Holmes closes with the sinister cackle of a man who knows he will win the 2004 MVP.
Chiefs beat the Bucs, 27-17.
N.Y. Jets @ Buffalo
First, the good news, Drew Bledsoe. Last week versus the Cardinals, you threw two touchdown passes, no interceptions, and suffered zero sacks. Now, the bad news: you were 8-for-17 for 81 yards. That's weak.
"That's not weak," counters Bledsoe. "That's efficiency. My passer rating for that game was 100.4."
Passer rating? Damn, Drew, what does an auto-racing statistic have to do with football? I think passer rating is calculated by number of positions gained by passing on the track (as opposed to in the pits) divided by total laps. I think Jeff Gordon leads NASCAR with a .15 passer rating.
"What does all that have to do with me?" asks Bledsoe.
Nothing really, Drew. It's just that a .15 passer rating is more of what I'd expect from you, not 100.4. Come on. 8-for-17 for 81 yards. Those are pretty good numbers if you were running the wishbone for Barry Switzer 20 years ago at Oklahoma.
The Jets have a quarterback, Chad Pennington, who can put up the yardage as well as the rating.
"Or I can just hand it off to Curtis Martin or Lamont Jordan," adds Pennington, "both of whom rushed for over 100 yards against Miami last Monday. Now, I know we can't expect that kind of output against a tough Bills defense, so we'll probably come out passing, get the lead, and force Bledsoe to pass. Our defense will then blister him with sacks, hurries, knockdowns, interceptions, and general mayhem."
"Well, go ahead and cancel Sunday morning's team meeting," quips Jet coach Herman Edwards. "Chad just gave you our game plan right there. That son of a gun is coaching material!"
Edwards is right. Pennington will be coaching the Jets in 16 years. And Pennington is right; NFL sack-leader John Abraham and the rest of the Jets' defense pulverize Bledsoe.
Jets win, 24-13.
Oakland @ Carolina
"Take a look at this number: minus 14," says Raider head coach Norv Turner. "That's fourteen under par. That'll win you pretty much any event on any golf tour, which, in turn, will open the door to a number of sponsor deals and exemptions."
I hate to burst your bubble, Norv, but your minus 14 isn't a golf score; it's your turnover differential.
That means you have 14 more turnovers than your opponents. Minus 14 is also the expletive differential between you and Warren Sapp after Sapp's tirade against you last Sunday after the Chargers lit you up for 42 points. That means Warren cursed 14 times to your zero.
"Yeah, Warren was letting them fly," Turner explains. "Curse words seem to have a lot more meaning when they are uttered by a 300-pound, angry black man whose breath reeks of Copenhagen dip. Warren's just lucky I bit my tongue, otherwise, he would have been the unhappy recipient of a Norv Turner beat down. If he would have just wore the 'Put Ray Guy in the Hall Of Fame' t-shirt like I asked, we never would have had that disagreement."
In Charlotte, North Carolina, the idle chatter on citizens' band radio of a Panthers' dynasty has ended and has been replaced by talk of the word "fluke." Carolina is 1-6 and the list of goals in the locker room has gone from "Win Super Bowl" to "Win NFC" to "Win Division" to "Make Playoffs" to "Have Winning Record" to it's current status, "Merry Christmas." In the Panthers' defense, though, injuries have, from the start, undermined any chance they had of defending anything. The latest injured key player is middle linebacker Dan Morgan, who suffered another concussion last Sunday against Seattle. It is Morgan's third concussion in two years, earning him the nickname of "The Eric Lindros of the NFL."
"You know," Panther coach John Fox comments, "I'm sick and tired of filing these injury reports every cotton picking week. Therefore, I've listed myself as 'questionable' for Sunday's game. I will re-evaluate myself and most likely make a decision later in the week."
Fox makes a game-time decision to play, and plays hurt, as do many of the Panthers, except Stephen Davis. Jake Delhomme connects with Keary Colbert and Muhsin Muhammad for scores, and the Panthers' defense grabs two Kerry Collins interceptions.
Carolina wins, 26-17.
Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh
The hottest new collector craze is currently sweeping through Pittsburgh and all of the Steel City is abuzz.
"Yeah, check these out!" yells a giddy Bill Cowher. "Look, there's whole milk, skim milk, 2%, chocolate, soy. Collect them all. It's awesome!"
Settle down, Bill. What's so damn collectible about milk cartons?
"Well, they all have a picture of this missing man on all of them. The name's Tommy Maddox, white male, age 33, says he just vanished from somewhere near Heinz Field. The face is vaguely familiar to me."
Never heard of him.
"Speaking of milk," says Eagle receiver Terrell Owens, "I bet all you milk drinkers had the white stuff coming out of your noses after y'all cracked up at my touchdown dance last Sunday against Baltimore. Give it up for me. That was the best ever. I worked on that one all week. I didn't really master it until Friday when I had some Mexican food backfire on me and had to wait for a stall to open in the bathroom. I never knew convulsions could be so helpful, but I got Ray's dance down. I call it 'Convulsing Raven, Irritable Bowel.'"
Yes, T.O., that was classic, better than the "Pom Pom" dance of two years ago. Just watch your back, my friend, watch your back.
But enough about T.O. The Steelers have laid claim to the title of best team in the AFC, and Big Ben Roethlisberger is the hottest quarterback in the league.
"I'd like to give a shout out to my rookie classmates, Eli Manning and Philip Rivers," says Roethlisberger. "Two words: bench and warmers. Two more words: you and suck. Still two more words: over and paid. And here are four more words: baseball and cap, and clip and board. I think that's self-explanatory. And I'll close with two more: jock and strap, mine of which Manning and Rivers couldn't carry. Oh, yeah, I'd like to holler at my go-to guy, Burress."
"Burress? Man, forget that corn-rowed fool," Owens interrupts. "What kind of parent would name their kid after a gas station?"
Uh, Terrell, it's Plaxico, not Texaco.
"Okay, then. What kind of parent would name their kid 'Plaxico'?"
Anyway, if last week were the Steelers' AFC Championship, then this week is their Super Bowl. Pittsburgh has something the Eagles lack, and that is a consistent running game with former Eagle Duce Staley. Look for the Steelers to run early, then open up the passing game to Burress and Hines Ward. Philly will be in the unfamiliar position of playing from behind, which is fine for them, since they pass all the time anyway. What does it all mean? Shoot out. The Steelers complete their two-week run of knocking off the two best teams in the league.
Pittsburgh wins, 34-31.
Washington @ Detroit
"America had a choice to make on Tuesday," Joe Gibbs preaches, "and it was imperative that all eligible voters made their decision count. I was extremely pleased with the voter turnout, but I can't express to you the disappointment I felt with the result."
What, Joe? Are you a Democrat?
"No, I'm very disappointed that the NASCAR referendum didn't even make the ballot. All Americans need to be given the choice of keeping the Nextel NASCAR Championship points scoring system as it is now, or return it to its original format."
Good point, Joe. And were that on the ballot, I'd choose neither and write in my vote: NASCAR should score as Formula 1 does. Ten for first, eight for second, six, five, four, three, two, one. No points for anything below eighth.
Anyway, back to football. The Redskins sport the worst scoring offense in the league, and are the only team yet to break 100 points.
"Damn!" says Clinton Portis. "We can't even break 100 after seven games? I bet Wilt Chamberlain had already scored with 100 chicks after seven games of his rookie season."
In Detroit, the Lions stand at 4-3, one game behind the Vikings.
"I'm pleased with our results so far," explains Lion coach Steve Mariucci. "We are a young team, so, often, it's a case of two steps forward, one step back, two steps sideways, one step back, and repeat. Before you know it, we're doing the 'Achy Breaky', or some other cheesy country line dance. I hate country music. My Italian heritage makes me partial to 'Doo Wop.'"
The Lions take a step forward. Joey Harrington throws two touchdown passes, and Kevin Jones scores one.
Lions win, 24-17.
Chicago @ N.Y. Giants
Chicago head coach Lovie Smith loves the holidays, especially Christmas. That must be why his current starting quarterback is jolly old Saint Nick himself, Kris Kringle.
"No, man," corrects Smith, "his name in 'Craig Krenzel.'"
Who? Santa Claus?
"No, my starting quarterbacked is named Craig Krenzel. Not Kris Kringle. And I hate Christmas. Right now, I'm not at all into the Christmas spirit, although a gallon of eggnog could quickly change my outlook. You've got to understand. Baseball season is over; the Cubs did nothing. There's no hockey. Basketball season starts soon and the Bulls will suck. So, basically, the Bears are the only game in town. All the pressure is on me to produce."
It's no wonder Smith is not in the holiday spirit. Despite last week's win over the 49ers, the Bears are 2-5, and with running back Thomas Jones nursing a sprained big toe, the future is not too bright.
On the other hand, the Giants are 5-2 and firmly in second place in the NFC East. Tiki Barber is fourth in the league in rushing, and first in teeth. Have you seen the smile on this guy? It will blind you.
"And you too can have a smile like me," quips Barber. "Just four weeks on my 'Fluoride Margarita and Milk Bone Dog Biscuit' diet, and you can dazzle your friends with your pearly white smile."
"Thank goodness Tiki is having such a great year," Giant coach Tom Coughlin says, "because that's taken the pressure off of Kurt Warner. If Kurt's playing well, then his crazy wife Brenda is happy, and she's not calling my radio show making demands. That crap may fly in St. Louis, but not in New York. Luckily, she's keeping herself under the rock she lives, or maybe it's the sewer. You know, she does look an awful lot like that Gollum fellow from The Lord of the Rings movies."
Yes, she is frightening.
Warner and Barber continue to carry the Giants. Krenzel gets pounded by the Giants defense, then announces that Christmas is canceled.
G-men roll, 31-10.
New Orleans @ San Diego
On a day when Indy's Peyton Manning threw for five touchdowns and Denver's Jake Plummer threw for 499 yards, San Diego's Drew Brees did them one better.
"Yeah, I threw for five TD's," adds Brees, "and we won the game. That's more than those suckers Manning and Plummer can say. They're has-beens and also-rans; Drew Brees is the new world order."
Easy, Drew. You're still Drew Brees and you still have an acorn stuck to your right cheek, so, until you lead the Chargers to the playoffs and/or have that potential oak tree removed from your face, you're still a nobody. But it is cool to call yourself the New World Order. That gives you a cool theme song by the industrial metal band Ministry and I'm sure you can pick up some old wrestling t-shirts with "N.W.O." emblazoned on the front.
"That's just too sweet!" adds Brees.
If Brees can succeed in relative anonymity, then that can only set a positive example for the entire Chargers organization. Football fans may think the Colts or the Chiefs are the highest scoring team in the NFL; in fact, it is the Chargers. Go ahead, besides Brees, Ladainian Tomlinson, and tight end Antonio Gates, name another San Diego player.
"I'm thinking," says Charger coach Marty Schottenheimer. "Ahhh ... Lance Alworth?"
Well, Marty, I was hoping for a current player, but I'll accept that answer. Add seven points to your score.
"Wow, that was easy."
And it should be even easier against the Saints, who boast the second-worst scoring defense in the league, right behind the Raiders, the team you just blasted, 42-14. Scoring may be slightly tougher, so don't expect six touchdowns. The Saints have a fairly good offense themselves, so they may keep your offense off the field some. Four touchdowns and two field goals sound reasonable.
Chargers win, 34-24.
Seattle @ San Francisco
Seattle's record stand at 4-3, and those four wins have come at the expense of teams with a combined 7-21 record. Seattle has lost to some good teams (New England, St. Louis) and one bad (Arizona).
"I don't know who you can blame for the losses," comments running back Shaun Alexander, "but you can credit me for the four wins. Most running backs are susceptible to leg injuries, but, in my case, my back is the vulnerable body part. Why? Because I've carried this team on my back all year. And they are heavy."
One player in particular who likes a good piggyback ride is quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, who was poised for a break-out year. Instead, Hasselbeck has responded with only 8 touchdown passes and only the 25th-best passer rating in the game.
"My point exactly," adds Alexander. "Three of those touchdown passes were to me. Take those away and you've got five. And those five were probably the result of play action set up by my awesome running. That leaves zero. If not for me, you'd have no touchdown passes. That's the same number of TD passes your sister-in-law, Elisabeth Hasselbeck of ABC's The View has. Maybe she should be our quarterback."
"Gee, Shaun, you don't have to get snippy about it," is the only defense Matt Hasselbeck can come up with.
Luckily for Seattle, San Francisco fits right into the categories of teams they beat: they suck and they are 1-6. Chalk up another quality win for the Seahawks. Alexander carries the load once again, with 110 yards rushing and two touchdowns.
Seattle wins, 23-16.
Houston @ Denver
Could the Texans have enjoyed a better Sunday than last week, when they beat the division-leading Jaguars and second-place Indianapolis lost to the Chiefs, moving Houston into a virtual tie for first with both teams?
"Well, it could have been February 1st and we had just won the Super Bowl," answers Dom Capers, "but we'll take this. This was a 'statement' game for us, the statement being: we belong at the top of the division with the Jags and Colts, as well as the Titans, who will probably be in the mix again, but, when all is said and done, we'll be sitting at home come playoff time."
Indeed, it was the Texans' second-straight win, with both victories coming against division opponents. The Broncos, however, are headed in the opposite direction, having dropped two-straight after seemingly having a firm grip on the AFC West. And speaking of firm grips, Denver coach Mike Shanahan has an extremely tight one on his play book as he psychotically vents about his team's losing streak.
"Damnit, I'm so mad I could explode!" screams Shanahan. "No team of mine should lose a home game, nor should we lose to the Bengals, anywhere!"
Wow, Mike, that's a cool effect the way you get the smoke to come out of your ears.
"That's no effect, friend, that's real smoke. If I don't vent through my ears, my head will explode. And while I have our play book out, I think I'll go to the 'Blocking Schemes' chapter and add a few more entries to the 'How to Snap Your Opponent's Ankle With a Controversially Legal Block' section."
I hear that's a pretty thick section, dirtbag.
How ironic, then, that Denver's John Lynch, who suffered an injured tailbone by a block from Atlanta receiver Brian Finneran, claimed the hit was illegal. Sorry, John, even Shanahan said the hit was legal, so, since it looked illegal yet was legal, coach will be adding that block to the offensive lineman playbook.
"Yes," says Shanahan, "we have plenty of blocks to break legs but none to cripple tailbones. This will fit in nicely."
Lynch is just lucky he wasn't injured earlier in the game, when he was steam rolled by Falcon running back T.J. Duckett. John Lynch, you got jacked up!
The Broncos will face a test from the youthful Texans, but Shanahan will not allow two-straight home loses.
"Unacceptable! We'll not allow ourselves to be pulled into a high-scoring affair with Houston," Shanahan preaches. "We will establish the run; I don't want Jake Plummer throwing touchdown passes on offense or defense. We're going to pound Rueben Droughns into the middle and live or die by that."
I guess Denver plans to run. Watch your ankles, Texan linemen. Droughns gets back on the 100-yard trail with a 30-carry effort. Plummer throws one touchdown pass to Rod Smith.
Denver wins, 24-20.
New England @ St. Louis
Hey, listen. Do you hear it? The chant that goes "O-ver-rat-ed" followed by rhythmic clapping? "O-ver-rat-ed, clap-clap-clap-clap-clap."
"Yes, I do hear it", replies Ram coach Mike Martz. "It must be in reference to the Patriots, this Sunday's opponent whose 21-game winning streak came crashing to a halt. I agree; they're not that good."
No, Mike, I think the chant applies to you. You're the only coach I would refer to as a punk and one who never acknowledges his mistakes.
"Look, I just tell the players what to do," Martz explains. "I can't go out there and do it for them. Can I help it that our best player, Torry Holt, has only one catch for four yards in his last two weeks?"
"Ah, Coach," replies Holt, "we had a bye one of those two weeks."
"See what I mean?" Martz continues. "They always want to make excuses. I don't know about you, but I've never lost a game to bye in my entire career. For Torry not to manage any catches against bye is unacceptable."
Look, Mike, give bye a break. They have to play four games every Sunday. I'm sure they're exhausted. But still, Torry should have had at least two catches.
Holt should be able to pad his statistics Sunday against the Patriots. The Patriot defensive backfield will be without cornerback Ty Law, and Tyrone Poole may also miss time, which should open up seams for Holt and Isaac Bruce.
Nearly all edges go to the Rams: they are at home and fully rested and healthy after a week off. New England's biggest edge is in coaching. Bill Bellichick easily outsmarted Martz three years ago in the Super Bowl. When working with his full complement of players, Bellichick would easily devise a game plan that would make Martz dizzy. However, the injury to Law is too much for the Pats to overcome. Holt, Bruce, and quarterback Marc Bulger come through for the Rams.
St. Louis wins, 27-23.
Cleveland @ Baltimore
Hey, Ray Lewis, did I see you on MTV last Sunday night, because you got Punk'd? Or did I see you in that break dancing movie starring Steve Harvey and B2K's Omari, because You Got Served?
"The answers are 'no' and 'no'", Lewis replies. "If you ever catch me watching MTV, then shoot me ASAP. It's only BET and UPN for me, you SOB. I do eat at BK, I wear RBK, and no, you did not see me in You Got Served, although you may have seen me in 1984's Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. I was Shabba-Doo's little brother."
Don't avoid the real issue, Ray Ray: what are you going to do about Terrell Owens, since you can't exact your revenge on the field, unless Philly meets Baltimore in the Super Bowl, which won't happen? And please, be a little more creative than imitating one of T.O.'s touchdown celebrations. Although, laying a massive hit on someone and then signing their helmet with a Sharpie would be pretty cool. If you do that, make sure you give me credit.
"I'll tell you what I'm gonna do," adds Lewis. "I'm going to imitate Owens by questioning Jeff Garcia's manhood. That'll show him!"
"Man, how did I get dragged into this one?" complains Garcia. "I'm just here minding my own business and I get pulled into this mess. It's frustrating. But I think I'd rather be harassed by Owens than Lewis. Therefore, I'll be wearing this green and white 'I Love T.O.' t-shirt, just like the one he wore on ESPN's Monday Night Countdown. Mine will be sleeveless and cut-off to accentuate my navel ring. Ha! Just kidding. Please don't tell him I'm wearing it."
The Owens-Lewis shenanigans are overshadowing the return of Baltimore running back Jamal Lewis, who is coming back after a two-game drug suspension.
"Man," says Lewis, "I am stoned, I mean stoked, to get back on the field. I have learned my lesson from this ordeal, and that is: if you know someone who wants to buy cocaine, make sure he or she is not a fed before you call him or her on your cell phone. I really hate snitches."
Lewis gets back in the groove, with a touchdown run. Ray Lewis takes out his T.O. frustration on any Brown who dares cross the middle.
Ravens win, 24-7.
Minnesota @ Indianapolis
Monday night's marquee match-up features the two most prolific passers to this point in the NFL: Daunte Culpepper and Peyton Manning. Culpepper has a slight edge over Manning in passing yardage, and Manning's 22 TD passes are tops in the league, followed by Culpepper's 20. Culpepper may be without his top weapon Randy Moss, who may sit out Monday's game to speed the healing on his injured hamstring.
"Not so fast, player," says the All-Pro Vikings wide out. "There's a chance I may play. I've been working out on my Gazelle by Tony Little. I know I look like a fool riding this thing, but it really loosens my hammy and it truly does make me feel like I'm walking on air, which I didn't think was possible without pharmaceutical assistance. If this doesn't work, I'm set to appear on Extreme Makeover: Hamstring Edition to have my right hamstring surgically replaced with the elastic band in my Under Armour skullcap. If that don't do the trick, I'll just chill on the sidelines."
"Randy's a gamer," adds Viking coach Mike Tice. "If he can give us just 50-percent, he'll play. If not, we may just try to run the ball against the Colts. Onterrio Smith is back from drug suspension, Michael Bennett is healthy, and we still have Mewelde Moore, and Moe Williams. If we so choose, we'll play ball control and keep the Colts' defense on the field for more than the three plays it normally takes to score against them."
"Look," says Peyton Manning, "nobody's running in this game. It's all about the pass. Why take four or five yards with a run when you can take 50 with a pass? I know we can pass, and even without Randy Moss, I know the Vikes can pass. Hell, our defense can't cover supermodel Kate Moss, or peat moss for that matter. I'm going out there with the intention of scoring in the mid-50s, and still I wonder if that will be enough."
Manning is exactly right. After some half-hearted attempts at rushing the ball, both teams resort to the air. The result: a 37-31 Colts victory. Manning throws for 4 TDs and Culpepper cashes in for 3, despite the absence of Moss.
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