It's the time of the year when members of the opposite sex become utterly confused while shopping for their counterparts on their Christmas lists.
I was perusing a sporting goods store the other day (not doing any Christmas shopping, all of that waits until three days before Christmas) and I saw a mildly confused woman attempting to buy some male on her list a football jersey. She did a fine job purchasing the jersey, unfortunately for the guy, it was a Corey Dillon jersey. A Cincinnati Bengals Corey Dillon jersey.
Now, before some ill-mannered FemmeFan.com writer feels the need to rip this apart, let me say that most women, including my engaging, overwhelmingly attractive, funny, smart, and just all around great girlfriend (I have a birthday coming up), know what they are doing when shopping for sports apparel. However, for the women who need to do some last-minute shopping, I have decided to lend a helping hand by generating a few ideas for the sports fan with everything.
1. Ron Artest's CD
Unlike CDs by Allen Iverson and Kobe Bryant (whose albums never made it to retail), this CD is just simply amazing. I can sit here and talk about it all night, but since I haven't listened to more than 30 seconds of one song, I will leave the comments to those who have purchased this CD.
"This record is terrible in every way imaginable. I was so excited to get this record today because I'm a huge Allure fan from back in the day. But man, this thing sucks. Starting with the packaging which is beyond cheesy ... There is absolutely zero soul both in the lyrics and the music. The production is third-rate, at best." - Comment from a buyer at Amazon.com.
It is extremely difficult to do anything in every way imaginable, which is why this CD will go down in history as a classic. Third-rate production? It literally doesn't get much better than that (only second-rate and first-rate, this is only two rates away from perfection!).
This could be perhaps the greatest thing for any basketball fan on your list, with the possible exception being 1a.
1a. "Ronopoly"
This is the rapper-turned-baller's version of the cult-family classic, Monopoly. Use such game pieces as Kobe Bryant, where the Community Chest belongs to a hotel worker in Colorado, and where the object isn't to gain the most money, but to drive away any pieces who try to befriend you.
There is also the Jayson Williams piece, which is driven around the board until a random chance card results in an unfortunate incident, which leaves him minus one limo driver. Remember, he is a professional athlete, so he always has a "get out of jail free" card.
The only other notable piece is the Barry Bonds piece, which continually tips over due to an enlarged head. The only downside to this game is that I cannot verify if it actually exists. If it does, it automatically assumes the one slot, and would make a perfect combination gift with the Artest album.
2. Ricky Williams Throwback
If the person you are shopping for is a coward, a quitter, a pothead, or just a loser, this is the jersey for them! They will appreciate a player who stands up for what they believe in and will proudly wear this throwback.
3. NHL Season Ticket Package
This is for someone who you like, but not too much, and who you don't want to spend a great deal on. You can get really great ticket packages now at a very reduced rate. I bet those players will be coming around soon and the season will start in a week or so.
This gift is a little more generous than that guy who always promises to buy the Browns tickets to the Super Bowl, because that is just a mean prank, we all know the Browns will never make a Super Bowl, but the NHL can play hockey again.
4. Stephen A. Smith Pullstring Action Figure
This poorly-crafted action figure was originally intended to have a pull-string to make the figure talk, but, in an effort to make the figure more realistic, the string was removed and now Stephen A. talks nonstop about anything and everything. Do you know a special someone who can use a sidekick who criticizes everything they do? Do you know a lucky lad who could use an action figure that fights with words, instead of the traditional gun or sword? Do you know some little lady that would enjoy someone to talk to about feelings (note: action figure is not made to listen)? Then this is for them. You can buy this somewhere, or maybe not. It's worth a shot.
5. Backordered Copies of SportsFan Magazine
On a serious note, you cannot find any better commentary on the world of sports than in SportsFan Magazine. Any real sports fan would love any or all past issues of the infamous magazine. Details can be found SportsFanMagazine.com.
I hope this list helps. If not, well, you made a serious error. The person you were shopping for was obviously not a sports fan. So get them a Corey Dillon Bengals jersey.
Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].
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