Recently, I tried to think of several ways to become a better columnist. I started by examining other successful columnists and tried to emulate some of the things they do. Needless to say, ESPN.com's Bill Simmons is one of the most popular columnists around and his mailbag column is one of his biggest features. I figured, if I'm going to be a big-shot columnist, I need to have a mailbag column. So I opened my e-mail inbox and answered some of the e-mails I've received over the past few weeks (part two will come a few weeks from now).
Perhaps it's time for the players to think about creating their own league and abandoning the NHL, even if that means losing hockey here in South Florida.
Perhaps the fans should boycott the NHL next year, unless the players form their on league. Both sides need to remember who's ultimately paying their bills and who they're losing as this continues.
Allen in Tampa
Allen,
I had the host of ESPN's "NHL 2NIGHT," John Buccigross, on my show a few weeks back and he made a great point — if the players were to start their own league, the first thing they would do is implement a salary cap because that is the smartest way to operate. I can't blindly absolve the players in this; they should've accepted a cap long ago. I don't even care who is at fault anymore, I am just furious at everyone for ruining such a great game. Hockey history will forever remember everyone involved as the worst people to ever touch the game, as their overwhelming incompetence and arrogance stole a game that means so much to so many. I have more respect for Todd Bertuzzi than for Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow. Hell, I have more respect for a folding chair than I do for those two.
Im Sara 15 just wonderin have u ever seen Dee Brown with his
mouthguards in before in fact have u ever interviewed him when he was
wearin his mouthguards just wonderin i just like mouthguards for some
strange reason ok then if u have seen mouthguard before on any person
which person was it plus what and where on the mouthguard was the most
spit at.Then tell me what that persons spit look like on there
mouthguard was it wet shiny sticky please explain a true long mouthguard
teeth story email me back at ___ ok please
Sara in Cleveland
Sara,
Most people would scoff at you, but no e-mail goes unanswered, so here is the best I can do. I once played basketball with Michael Jordan to 10 (we played by 1s and 2s). It was make it, take it, and I had ball first. After I scored five straight twos Kyle Korver-style, I chastised MJ for letting his arrogance draw him into a game with me. I did my best to calm his agitation by running around the court hollering, "I walked all over Air Jordan." He then proceeded to throw his mouth guard at me (Sara, a little forewarning, this response is similar to a Reggie Fowler resume in that it has a "level of truth to it," which means I am fairly certain I have spelled the names right).
Dear Infone User,
You may have received one or more communications from us on Saturday February 5 or Sunday February 6, referencing invoices or your Infone activity in past months. Please disregard all of these communications, if any, as they were sent as a result of a software error. These communications are not invoices and this error has been fixed.
Sincerely,
Infone LLC
I am not an Infone user nor have I received any communications, but consider it done.
i agree with Archie. Goodenow and Bettman are skunks.
Alan in the Bronx
Don't lump skunks in with people like Goodenow and Bettman. The closest thing I can think that compares to those two is Skeletor from Masters of the Universe, who tried to kill the sorceress and enslave all of Eternia, and he would've succeeded if it wasn't for He-Man and Courtney Cox.
I've been reading this sports gospel of yours and you seem to touch on random topics so I have a few more for you to ponder, contemplate and pontificate. I played a little racquetball last quarter and developed tennis elbow, how does one contract this injury outside of the sport of tennis? Also, I am thinking about changing my image, I am thinking of getting a monocle, kazoo and bubble pipe, any thoughts?
That's all I've got, I rule all because I just beat Oregon Trail for the third time on my computer (20 bison and grueling speed is where its at, you fly through that map)
Signed:
The walking injury
The biggest baseball fan around
The man trying to break history's grip on reality
Super Dan
Sergeant Dan
Dan Griffin
Well, you touch on a number of interesting topics. I have to say that you contract tennis elbow by playing sports similar to tennis, or in your case, by lusting after female tennis stars. Also, the image change could be good for you, at this stage of the game, it can't get any worse. I am not impressed by your Oregon Trail victory, because frankly, the two Oregon State players could've forded the Snake River and paid the Indian guide in marijuana (they have to be the two stupidest players in Oregon, how can you attempt to pay a cab bill with pot?), instead of the wagon wheel you gave him.
FROM: THE LOTTERY COORDINATOR,
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
Dear Winner,
This e-mail was included only because it starts off the way any e-mail addressed to me should. If you want your e-mail in a mailbag, just start it with "Dear Winner," as it is the best word that can describe me.
Our records show that you might be in need for temporary financial assistance. We all need some help every now and then- that's why we are here. To help. We can deposit up to $1000 into your account within 24 hours. All you need to qualify is a previous paycheck and a bank account into which we will deposit the funds.
Jason
Thanks for the kind sentiment, Jason. I love it when readers have my back. Evidently, though, I've won some sort of international lottery, so I'm set. Appreciate the gesture, though.
DEAR MARK,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR REASON TO MY EMAIL AND ALSO YOUR SERIOUSNESS TOWARD THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION..
I WILL REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WILL BE ABLE TO VISIT THE UK AFTER WE MIGHT HAVE CONCLUDED THIS TRANSACTION SO THAT BOTH OF US CAN LEAVE FOR THE STATE TOGETHER. I WILL BE EXPECTING YOUR MAIL AS SOON AS YOU GET THIS MAIL SO THAT THE TRANSFER CAN BE DONE IMMEDIATELY. I AM WRITTING YOU FROM MY PRIVATE EMAIL ([email protected]) PLEASE DO NOT GIVE THIS EMAIL ADDRESS TO ANYBODY YOU CAN NOW REACH ME ON THE EMAIL FOR SECURITY REASONS . I WAIT UPON YOUR REPLY AND THE INFORMATION I ASKED.
REGARDS,
JOYCE
You seem like a genuine person who really is in control of several million dollars in a dead person's overseas bank account. My question is, why me? Not that I'm complaining, because this plan is foolproof. And by the way, your private e-mail is safe with me.
Soccer is such a wonderful sport. Watching well played soccer is like watching the best art. The greatness revealed by an unfolding sequence of passing and the beauty of individual dribbling (or a combination of the two) is one of the most marvelous sights that exists in this world. I get chills watching it. The sport is fluid and magnificent. The excitement of a wonderful goal (such as Ronaldinho's game winner against AC Milan in the first round of the 2004-2005 Champions League) is unmatched by any other sport, in my opinion.
This leads me to my next point. Firearms are awesome. I think the beauty of firearms is grossly unappreciated by a great deal of people. Some weapons are gorgeous. Not only that, but few things can match the joy experienced by discharging a firearm. I own an AK 47 and I love it. I experience satisfaction every time i pull the trigger and feel the recoil press against my shoulder and the bolt carrier sliding back and forward again loading another 7.62x39 round.
I love Jesus. Jesus is Lord. He rocks.
DJ from the Nati
You've touched on a number of solid topics. Let me start by saying Jesus is good, people, especially after He healed Terrell Owens in time for the Super Bowl. Soccer is definitely a great sport, but many overseas take it way too seriously. That being said, I can respect the great athletes in soccer and the competition in the game. As far as the firearms go — be safe and it's all good, live up that second amendment. Also, props for being the only e-mailer to mention Jesus, firearms, and soccer without stating a desire to harm Jesus for creating soccer.
Mark,
I read in your mini-bio on Sports Fan Magazine that you're a Queen City product. I lived there from 2000-2003, but then moved back to D.C.
Bijan
Sweet.
Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].
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