NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 12 (Pt. 2)

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

Baltimore's Brian Billick pulled off what's known in the coaching business as a "Mike Tice."

"What's that?" asks Billick. "Is that allowing your players to get freaky on a boat and do nothing about it? Then I'm guilty as charged. Deion Sanders has a boat called the S.S. Prime Time that puts the 'naughty' in 'nautical.'"

Actually, a "Mike Tice" is winning a game just when it looks as though you'll be fired if you don't win. Tice does it three or four times a season, therefore it is named after him.

The Ravens stunned the Steelers with a 16-13 overtime win, handing the Steelers their first loss on the road. The Steelers still lead the NFC North over the Bengals by virtue of a win over Cincinnati, who lost at home 45-37 to the Colts.

"Why did we lose that game, you may ask?" says Bengals coach Marvin Lewis. "Okay, besides our defense's total inability to stop the Colts from gaining many yards on every play? We scored seven times, just like the Colts. Unfortunately, three of our scores were field goals, and the Colts only kicked one. So, while on the surface, it looks like our defense was the problem, it was actually the offense."

Bengals receiver Chad Johnson backed up his guarantee of a huge game with an eight-catch, 189-yard day, including a 68-yard touchdown catch. Johnson then celebrated with a mock marriage proposal to a Bengals cheerleader.

"Oh, I didn't ask her to marry me," says Johnson. "She's not marriage material. She's damaged goods. I did ask her to join me on a summer cruise hosted by the Minnesota Vikings team and the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, where each room is outfitted with a bathroom stall furnished with several gymnastics apparatus."

This time, Johnson guarantees a win and a big game. He delivers, as do the Bengals. Johnson serves the same cheerleader with divorce papers after a second-quarter touchdown.

Cincinnati wins, 27-16.

Carolina @ Buffalo

Carolina had its six-game winning streak snapped like a pretzel as the Bears delivered a Chi-town beat-down, whipping the Panthers, 13-3. Jake Delhomme was sacked eight times and threw two interceptions.

"I haven't spent that much time on my back since I lost a wrestling match to a 'gator in the Bayou," says Delhomme. "You haven't been pinned until you've been pinned by a reptile. At least, I believed that until the Bears turned the back of my jersey green."

The loss dropped the Panthers from the second seed to the fourth seed in the tentative playoff seedings. So, the loss could cost the Panthers a first-round bye.

The Bills had their hides handed to them by Drew Brees and the Chargers, 48-10. Bills running back Willis McGahee gained only 39 yards on 10 carries, and lately has been outplayed by Lamont Jordan, Larry Johnson, and the Chargers' LaDainian Tomlinson.

"This time," says McGahee, "I'm issuing a challenge to Stephen Davis, the master of the one-yard touchdown run. It seems as though last Sunday against the Bears, he was master of the one-yard run, without the touchdown. Four carries, six yards. My 3.9 yards-per-carry average against the Chargers easily tops that."

McGahee out-gains Davis, but the Panthers out-gain the Bills, particularly on the scoreboard. Steve Smith grabs a touchdown catch, and the Carolina defense gets some support from the offense.

Panthers win, 24-19.

Chicago @ Tampa Bay

After manhandling the Panthers, a team many experts thought was the NFC's best team, the Bears may have convinced many of their doubters that they are better than expected.

"Is this when I hear such crappy clichés like 'the Bears are for real,' or 'the Bears have to be taken seriously?'" asks Chicago head coach Lovie Smith.

I'm afraid so, Lovie. But if it bothers you that much, just lose.

The Bucs have won two straight, averaging 33 points, to reclaim a first-place tie in the NFC South.

"So, once again, the Bears face a NFC North leader," says the Bucs John Gruden. "We're playing at home, so we know exactly where the stadium is, so we'll show up, unlike the Panthers. And I've analyzed hours and hours of tape, and I've come to the conclusion that to beat the Bears, you can't play from behind. If you play from behind, then it's almost impossible for a quarterback, such as Chris Simms, to make the plays necessary to win."

Gruden asks just one thing of Simms.

"Don't screw up."

Simms obliges, and makes several nice handoffs to Cadillac Williams and Mike Alstott. The Bucs get a lead, then pound the running game and milk the clock. Matt Bryant kicks three field goals, and the Bucs end Chicago's six-game winning streak, 16-14.

Cleveland @ Minnesota

The Browns waxed the Dolphins last week with a 22-0 shutout, thanks in part to running back Reuben Droughn's 166 yards rushing, including a 75-yard touchdown run on the game's first play from scrimmage. It was the longest TD run of Droughns' career, although afterwards, a winded Droughns was unable to stand on one foot, touch his nose with his index finger, and recite the alphabet backwards.

The Browns held the Miami passing attack to 55 yards, as neither starter Sage Rosenfels nor backup Gus Frerotte could find their rhythm, much less a receiver.

"Suffice it to say that we will address the need for a quarterback in the 2006 NFL draft," says Dolphins coach Nick Saban.

The Vikings have won three-straight to even their record at 5-5, two games behind the Bears. Two of those wins came against the Packers, including Monday night's 20-17 win. On both occasions, kicker Paul Edinger nailed game-winning field goals as time expired.

"I guess that new employee handbook is paying immediate dividends," explains Minnesota coach Mike Tice. "My favorite chapter is the one I authored, 'Just Say No to Scalping Your Super Bowl Tickets.' I also like the centerfold. She is hot, and that's a nice cruise ship she's on."

The Vikings stay hot, and keep an eye on the scoreboard for the Chicago/Tampa score, as they defeat the Browns, 17-16.

New England @ Kansas City

The Patriots have won two-straight for the first time this year, and have taken control of the paltry AFC East, opening up a two game lead on the Bills. Last week, Tom Brady threw for three touchdowns as New England turned back the Saints 24-17.

"We are definitely the most resilient team in the NFL," says Brady. "We have most heart, the most guts, two types of fortitude, intestinal and testicular, plus more entrails and viscera than any team in the league. Like Ric Flair, we're not afraid to bleed, sweat, and pay the price. And that's the bottom line. Belichick 3:16 says 'I just put another guy on injured reserve.'"

The Chiefs are 3-1 at home, and face a key two-game stretch, hosting the Patriots and the Broncos next week. At 6-4, K.C. is likely to be scrapping for the final wildcard spot, likely with AFC West opponent San Diego.

"It's like those juiced-up freaks in those Under Armor sports apparel commercials say," says Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil. "'We must protect this house.' I'm not sure what that means, and those Under Armor guys really seem to be totally against houseguests, but we absulutely need to win these two home games."

Trent Green throws three touchdown passes, and a Lawrence Tynes' fourth-quarter field goal seals the win.

Kansas City wins, 26-23.

San Diego @ Washington

Last week, San Diego continued its dominance of the AFC East, whipping the Bills 48-10 as Drew Brees torched the usually-good Bills pass defense for 339 yards and four touchdowns.

"The AFC East is our personal whipping boy," says Brees. "We're averaging 30 points a game overall, but 40 against East competition. We've been taking the East out to the woodshed for a West Coast beating. I see the fear in their eyes when I flash this West Coast gang signal. We can't wait to see the Dolphins in Week 14."

Joe Gibbs and the Redskins dropped to 5-5 with a painful loss at home to the Raiders, 16-13.

"We were driving for the game-tying field goal," says Gibbs, "but we just came up short. Which wasn't such a bad thing because I was able to get home to see my driver, Tony Stewart, win the NASCAR Nextel Cup title. Now, I can fully devote myself to coaching the Redskins. Is it too late to make the playoffs?"

Not for the Chargers. San Diego has won three in a row, and needs to continue that run to position themselves for their final three games (at Indy, at Kansas City, and Denver).

Drew Brees throws two touchdowns, and LaDainian Tomlinson rushes for a score.

Chargers win, 24-17.

San Francisco @ Tennessee

The 49ers took the heavily-favored Seahawks to the limit last Sunday, finally losing 27-25 when their two-point conversion attempt failed to tie the game. The Seahawks almost blew a fifteen point fourth quarter lead, a near-collapse that is bound to affect their standing in the latest BCS polls.

"BCS? Man, what are you talking about?" says Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander, the NFL's leading rusher. "This is the NFL. We don't need no stinking computers and idiotic pollsters to tell us who should play for the title. We have something called the 'playoffs' that year in and year out always seems to put the two best teams in the Super Bowl. Look into it, NCAA."

Thank you, Shaun. Now, get back into your own team's write-up.

Anyway, the 49ers seem to be a particularly tough team at home, having already beaten the Buccaneers and the Rams. Away from home, they're not so tough, surrendering an average of 35 points per game in four losses. And Tennessee is not home. Of course, the Titans are only 1-4 at home, giving up 32 a game in those four losses.

"It's not what you'd call a home-field advantage," says Titans' coach Jeff Fisher. "This isn't much of a football town. It's a country music town. Whereas Eagles fans may through eggs at the Cowboys bus, fan here are likely to throw tickets to the Grand Ole Opry at the opposing team. However, we do have the advantage of the player with the coolest nickname: Adam 'Pac Man' Jones. Isn't that cool? I've made Adam promise that is he ever has a son, that he's aware of, he has to name him 'Game Boy.' Or, if the kid is half-Italian, then 'Super Mario.'"

Steve McNair throws two touchdowns, and the Titans defense forces three turnovers as Tennessee wins, 24-10.

St. Louis @ Houston

If Mike Martz isn't calling plays for the Rams, then why did the Rams only run the ball 12 times in their loss to the Cardinals last week?

"Well, if you had to relay plays via smoke signals, sign language, and outer space satellites," says Martz, "then sweet-talk a Rams receptionist, then the plays are bound to get mixed up along the way. I called thirteen runs, dad gummit."

The Texans were run over by the Chiefs and running back Larry Johnson, who rushed for a team record 221 yards. The Texans are now 1-9, and all eyes point to a Week 17 matchup with the 49ers, which could determine who gets the first pick in the 2006 draft.

"If there's one thing for which I could take responsibility," says Texans coach Dom Capers, "it's getting this team the number one pick in the draft. I'm very proud of my accomplishment."

The Rams will be without starting quarterback Marc Bulger, who re-injured his shoulder against the Cardinals and is out for at least three weeks. Jamie Martin is a capable replacement whose greatest contribution could be reminding the Rams coaching staff of the presence of a running back named Steven Jackson.

Jackson gets the ball 25 times, and rushes for 131 yards. Martin throws one touchdown, and St. Louis prevails, 27-20.

Jacksonville @ Arizona

After going 58 games without scoring 30 points, the Jags have now broken 30 in two-straight games, the latest in their 31-28 win over the Titans.

"Approximately three weeks ago," says Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio, "I challenged my team with a question. I asked them, 'Are you ready to throw down?' They eagerly replied, 'Yes we are!' I repeated my query. 'I say, are you ready to throw down?' Again, they responded, 'Yes we are!' That meant only one thing: it was time to turn this mother out."

Jacksonville quarterback Byron Leftwich started the game one for nine for minus nine yards before finishing 22-for-38 for 258 yards and three touchdowns.

"Sure, it was a slow start," says Leftwich. "But we made the proper adjustments. Actually, I made one adjustment, and that was to complete passes across the line of scrimmage."

The Cardinals will counter with Kurt Warner and his duo of big time receivers Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. Boldin plays receiver like a fullback, and Fitzgerald is an expert at the end zone, jump ball touchdown catch, and he could easily pass for one of Bob Marley's sons.

"I love throwing to those guys," says Warner. "It reminds me of my days in St. Louis with Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce, except Larry and Anquan aren't afraid to punish defenders as opposed to just sliding to the turf after a catch."

Warner will find his targets a little harder to find this Sunday, as Jacksonville certainly won't give the Arizona rushing attack much respect and drop more defenders into coverage. And Warner will see plenty of blitzes.

Jacksonville sacks Warner five times and forces three turnovers. Leftwich throws for two touchdowns, and Jacksonville wins, 23-13.

Miami @ Oakland

What should you do if Ricky Williams, Randy Moss, and Sebastian Janikowski are in the same place at the same time?

"Uh, hide your stash and your girlfriend?" answers Raiders quarterback Kerry Collins.

That's right, Kerry. And you should probably make sure you don't fall asleep, lest ye might wake up missing a kidney or some other vital organ.

"Good advice," replies Collins. "So, how do we beat the Dolphins?"

Play them.

The Raiders ended a two-game skid with a 16-13 win over the Redskins, thanks to 142 yards receiving from Jerry Porter, including a 49-yard TD pass from Collins.

"There were two Moss' in that game," says Porter, "Randy and Santana. And I easily had more yardage than both of them combined. I think Randy makes a better decoy than receiver."

The Raiders should find success against a Miami defense that gave up 181 yards rushing to Cleveland. The Dolphins are also without middle linebacker Zach Thomas. And the Raiders wear silver and black, which is much more intimidating than orange and teal.

Lamont Jordan rushes for 110 yards and Collins throws for 275.

Raiders win, 30-14.

Green Bay @ Philadelphia

In their first game without both Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens, the Eagles lost anyway, succumbing to the Giants 27-17 to fall to 4-6, and 0-4 in the division. It wasn't all bad, though, because they 'lost as a team.'

And they should get used to life without McNabb and T.O. McNabb will have season-ending hernia surgery, and an arbitrator ruled Wednesday that the Eagles are perfectly within their rights to suspend Owens.

"I haven't seen such mistreatment for a Philadelphia sports icon since Greg Anthony chose Doc of the Seven Dwarfs over the real 'Doc,' Dr. J, Julius Erving for a game of pick-up basketball at Disney World," a dejected Owens explains. "I will see the Eagles next year as a member of the Dallas Cowboys. In the meantime, I'm dispatching my boys, Philly guinea goons Vinny and Joey to booby trap Andy Reid's car."

"Okay, T.O., it's wired," Vinny says in a cell phone call to Owens. "When Reid turns the key to the ignition, kaboom!"

"Wait! I don't want to kill him!" a nervous Owens replies.

"Kill him? We've never killed anyone in our life. Wait, yes we have. Anyway, we're not blowing up his car. We he starts his car, the driver's side airbag will deploy. We've replaced the airbag with a giant, inflatable replica of your head."

In all this Owen's drama, I forgot there's a game to be played. Mike McMahon, no relation to Jim, Ed, or Vince, replaced McNabb last week versus the Giants, and threw for 298 yards. In his second start of the year, he will try to outgun Brett Favre. Favre throws for 300 yards, but McMahon's two TD passes lead the Eagles to a 27-21 win.

N.Y. Giants @ Seattle

"You may not know this, Eli," says Matt Hasselbeck, "but I have a brother in the NFL, as well."

"Yeah, I think I know him," says Manning. "He's almost as famous as my brother, Peyton, and maybe more famous in Germany. You must be talking about David Hasselhoff."

"No, I'm not," replies Hasselbeck, liberally applying Rogaine to his balding dome. "My name's Hasselbeck, not Hasselhoff. The same applies to my brother, Tim, who plays for the Giants. He's your teammate."

"Yeah, he was great in Baywatch, but even better in Knight Rider," says Manning.

The Hasselbeck's don't have the pedigree of the Mannings, but Hasselbeck has one thing Manning doesn't: an 8-2 record. And Shaun Alexander.

The Seahawks can strengthen their grip on home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Seattle already has a victory over Dallas, who has the same 7-3 record as the Giants. A win over the Giants would give Seattle the tiebreaker edge over both teams should they end up with the same record.

Alexander rushes for one touchdown and catches a pass for another. The Seattle defense stifles a late New York drive, and the Seahawks hold on for a 28-24 win.

New Orleans @ N.Y. Jets

In their last two games, the Jets have averaged 1.5 points per game on their way to consecutive demolitions at the hands of the Panthers and the Broncos, who shut out New York, 27-0.

"We're struggling on offense, and it's very difficult to win in this league if you can't score," Jets coach Herman Edwards said after the game.

What? It's difficult to win in this league if you can't score? If possible, I'd like to make an even more obvious statement, Herman. You can't win in any league if you can't score. Your statement implies that it is possible to win without scoring. Well, it's not, Herman. Have you ever thought of a career in politics? There's a name for people like you: spin-doctors.

"Oh, I love that band," says Edwards.

Against the Broncos, Jets starter Brooks Bollinger was knocked out of the game with a concussion, which left him vomiting on the sideline. Vinny Testaverde replaced him, and threw two interceptions and lost two fumbles before injuring his ankle. He was replaced by third-stringer Kliff Kingsbury, who was dragged kicking and screaming onto the field.

"I did overhear Coach Edwards tell Brooks before the game 'not to be afraid to let it fly,'" says Kingsbury. "He certainly gave it a hurl."

Saints quarterback Aaron Brooks didn't throw up, but he did throw two TD passes against the Patriots to give him 116 for his career, which broke Archie Manning's record.

"Next up is Manning's career interception record," says Brooks. "That one has my name written all over it."

Brooks gets closer by throwing two interceptions, but the Saints defense puts the offense in position for some easy scores.

New Orleans wins, 20-9.

Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis

Will the Steelers be the team to blemish the Colts' perfect 10-0 record?

"There's only one way that can happen," says Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. "And that's if Tommy Maddox suits up as quarterback of the Colts. Then we're sure to lose. You know how home field is worth about three points in the point spread? Well, Maddox is like that, except he's worth about six, for the opposition. So, if the Steelers want to deal Maddox, I'm sure we'd be willing to give up 33rd and 35th picks in 2076, some loose change, and a player to be named never. That seems fair."

"I'd have to veto that trade," replies Pittsburgh coach Bill Cowher. "You guys just take him as my gift to you. And I'll throw in this 45-piece cutlery set and a Terry Bradshaw bobblehead doll."

Manning and the Colts outscored the Bengals 45-37 to repel Cincinnati's bid to knock off the NFL's only undefeated team. As a testament to the offensive theme of the game, the Colts and Bengals combined for only three punts, and a whopping 15 kickoffs.

"I spent Monday with my right arm in ice," says Manning, who threw for 365 yards and three touchdowns. "Not because it was sore. The darn thing was still smoking."

Ben Roethlisberger starts, and keeps the Steelers close, while the Pitt defense, unlike Cincinnati's, makes a few stops. Manning throws two touchdowns, and the Colts win, 29-24.