Children are the future. Recently, a select group of today's tomorrows were given a firsthand experience of what professional sports are like in the form of a cash drop after a minor league baseball game in Michigan. One thing was clear even before the last dollar came floating down from the helicopter hovering over the hordes of children — they failed their first reality test.
Everything about the promotion made sense. Upon conclusion of the West Michigan Whitecaps game, kids between the ages of 5 and 12 gathered behind the outfield fence as a helicopter dropped about $1,000 in cash. It was almost like a dumbed-down version of professional sports. Every man for himself, monetary compensation based on performance in the ruthless, no-holds-barred competition. There would be no participation ribbons to make everyone feel good and those who were exposed as unfit to compete were simply reduced to penniless losers.
As soon as the cash left the chopper, the participants got to show what they were made of. However, what should have been considered good, fair competition became public outrage after two 7-year-olds were injured in the fray, with one of the toddlers being sent to the hospital after being trampled.
It's unfortunate, but the future looks weaker than an Alex Rodriguez slap. I'm pretty sure that Tiger Woods could drive a golf ball 250 yards when he was 7. LeBron James could dunk by age 7, and Lance Armstrong rode his bike from a speaking engagement in Oregon to his home in Plano, Texas, in time for his 7th birthday party later that day. I even think future Duke lacrosse players were forcibly spreading cooties to neighborhood girls by age 7. But today's 7-year-olds can't even catch a dollar bill out of the sky without messing it up.
That being said, all great athletes have a common trait — they learn from their mistakes. There will be another cash drop, somewhere, someday — it's inevitable. If any of the participants from the last one are involved, they should be the heavy favorites. And why not? There were plenty of lessons to take away from this debacle.
Lesson 1 — It's not all "fun and games." After the incident, Whitecaps spokeswoman Katie Kroft said, "It's for fun and games. This is why we have everybody sign a waiver." The kids should know better next time. Anyone who really believed that now has a footprint-sized reminder on their back that it is NOT all fun and games. Any fun and games is just a delightful fluke, as it's really all about the money. You have to get yours and let no one stand in the way of your success.
Lesson 1A — Don't sign any waivers without your agent looking it over. Everyone is out to get you, whether on the field or off. This may be tough for 7-year-olds to accept, but the sooner they do, the better off they will be.
Lesson 2 — A finger grabs more than the hand. Call this the Detroit Pistons lesson. The problem was that all these kids were just going crazy, trying to grab as much cash as they could. If the little tikes had any smarts, they would have banded together in order to bring home as much cash as possible. If every man plays their role, they all end up as champions and with as much cash as they possibly can carry.
You need to have some grabbers, basically just members of the team out grabbing the money, but you need the chasers to really succeed. The rest of the kids won't be able to spend much time grabbing money if they are being chased around by maniacal 10-year-olds. The grabbers are the showboating play-makers — they get the glory of bringing in the money. It's defense that wins championships though (or in this case, large sums of money), and there are no better defenders than the "chasers," who measure success by the tears and blood of their opponents.
Lesson 3 — Win with your head. Similar to number two, the strong kids survive, but the mentally strong kids manipulate the strong kids into doing the work for them. Every team needs a coach/captain and if any of the little dorks would've been smart enough to team up with three or four big kids, then this would've been no contest.
Also, a little trash-talking can serve you well on the field. Some of sports greatest stars have been huge on the mental games and trash talking, so if telling a 8-year-old girl that she was adopted or that Santa Claus isn't real will help you win, do it. She'll get over it and if not, that's what therapy is for. I can tell you what therapy isn't for — winners, and that's what you would be if you were smart enough to use your head.
Lesson 4 — People will get hurt, grow a pair, and don't be a wuss. Two children were injured during the cash drop, with one going to the hospital. The grandfather of that child was surprised that children as young as 5 were allowed to compete with kids as old as 12.
"It was tiny kids against big kids," he told an AP reporter. "It's like playing football. You can't put a 12-year-old versus a 7-year-old."
I'm sorry, but I don't remember Carson Palmer's grandparents checking in with their opinions after he was knocked out of the NFL playoffs with a gruesome injury. I don't know that anyone cared what Eric Gagne's extended family had to say after he went down with an injury. Injuries are part of the game, they suck, but that's life. You just have to adapt and move on. And seriously, is anyone going to respect a kid in the next cash grab he's in if his mommy complains every time he gets hurt? He's between 5 and 12, cut the umbilical cord already.
Lesson 5 — There are varying levels of success. Should you find yourself in the middle of a cash grab and on the wrong side of an expertly-formed team (who followed rules 2-4), know that you can still be successful even if you don't pull in the most money. In situations like this, where no one expects you to win as a one-man team, the real key is in how you play the game.
It's true that there's a finite amount of money floating down from the helicopter, but that doesn't mean you can't parlay your experience into some endorsement deals. Style becomes more important than substance and you've got to do whatever necessary to get recognized. Catching money with your mouth or celebrating obnoxiously after every George Washington you snag, you could be well on your way. You may never be a champion, but you can carve out a nice little niche for yourself.
Lesson 6 — It's not cheating unless there are explicit rules prohibiting certain actions. This is the "Barry Bonds rule." Take advantage of every loophole in the system to make yourself a better cash grab participant. It may feel wrong, but you will be justified in the end as you will be a superior competitor. To my knowledge, there are no explicit rules in cash grabs, so feel free to utilize brass knuckles, mace (either the spray kind or the medieval kind), long metal claws, stilts, pogo sticks, or any other performance-enhancers.
Someday, there could come a time when people will try to make you seem like a bad person for doing so, but you'll have piles of money to console you. Some people say cheaters never win, but that's garbage, there have been many cheaters throughout history that have earned multi-million dollar contracts and had a number of lavish awards and titles thrown their way. Most importantly, remember, it's not cheating unless they specifically tell you not to do it.
The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. BetOnSports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on. Wager on football, cricket, boxing, rugby, horse racing, and more. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].
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