Sports Q&A: Daly in the Hole

Tony from Lodi, NJ writes, "Professional golfer John Daly claims to have lost $50 to $60 million during a 12-year period of heavy gambling, and is still paying off the debts. If Daly weren't such a public figure, would he be floating in a large body of water right about now?"

That's assuming Daly floats in water, which he does, when he's on an inner-tube in the Mandalay Bay pool in Vegas, sipping a Cosmopolitan to celebrate winning $300 in quarters in the slots. When not aided by a flotation device, Daly sinks right to the bottom.

Daly should consider himself lucky to still be alive. Not everyone can lose $50 to $60 million and live to pay it off, much less write about it in a soon-to-be-released book in which he explains his problem, including the part in which he says he doesn't plan on quitting. With Daly amassing that much in gambling losses, when did he even have time to write? Is the Russian mob publishing the book? Is the foreword written by Pete Rose? Can somebody get Daly a cigarette and an IOU note?

Daly is such an engaging fellow. Everyone likes him, even his creditors, or at least those he repays regularly. If I could tell a casino head a story about how I played the final round of the 1995 British Open hung over after destroying a hotel room and still managed to win, I would expect that casino head to grant me $500,000 in credit on the spot, and comp me a room. Daly is smart. He's using his celebrity to acquire all this credit, as well as extend the terms of repayment, but he must be the worst gambler in history. What's he doing? Betting large sums of money that he can kick his gambling habit? He's losing, but I bet he's getting great odds.

Daly has been in rehab before, but not for gambling. He previously kicked an alcohol addiction, and spent time in a Tucson, Arizona rehabilitation facility, where former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson was also a patient. While there, Henderson told Daly that Daly would likely find something else he loves as much as drinking, and he should be careful.

You know you've hit bottom when you're in rehab with "Hollywood" Henderson. You know you've hit rock bottom when you're taking advice from Henderson. Rock bottom gets even lower when it turns out that Henderson was right. Incidentally, while in that same facility, Daly allowed Courtney Love to balance his check book, and also let Scott Weiland manage his medication. And they shared several smokes and chatted about good memories and liver deterioration.

They say the first step in kicking an addiction is realizing you have a problem. Well, Daly has nailed that first step. He's realized his condition for about 10 years. Now, it's time to move on to the next step. In Daly's mind, that step is gambling more to pay off his gambling debts so he can stop gambling. If that works, expect Daly's next book to be titled Beat Your Gambling Problem in Three Easy Steps: 1) Slot Machines, 2) Roulette, 3) Blackjack.

All proceeds from the sale of the book would, of course, go towards paying Daly's creditors, and/or financing more gambling. Book deals may be Daly's way out of the 75-foot deep pot bunker that is his debt. He could call his follow-up book Drive For Show, Putt For Interest Payments On Your Massive Debt.

Daly should get a $2 million dollar advance for that, which, at his rate of success, should last about 45 minutes at a casino.

Seriously, Daly has a problem, but at least, as a professional golfer, celebrity, and guy with a lot of stories to tell, he still has huge earning potential. But the only way he can get out of his level of debt is to kick the habit completely. Obviously, Daly can't operate without some sort of addiction. Apparently, golf alone doesn't fill that need. I'm not advocating drinking, but alcoholism is a much cheaper addiction. At least Daly admits his problems and is willing to air them publicly. Give him credit for being a straight-shooter — just don't give him credit at the casino.

Jonathan from Nutley, NJ writes, "Los Angeles Clippers center Chris Kaman was issued a flagrant foul after shoving Denver Nuggets forward Reggie Evans, who had just grabbed Kaman's crotch. If this were baseball, Evans surely would see a fast-ball near his head. Is there comparable retribution in the NBA, and if so, what?"

Isn't it appropriate that Evans plays for the Nuggets? You see a lot of loose balls in the game of basketball, but Evans took it a bit too far. Understandably, Kaman got a little "teste." For such a disgraceful act, Evans should be black-balled. But since he already is, it will be up to the Clippers to seek true vengeance next year, since Los Angeles was in the midst of closing out the Nuggets when Kaman should have exacted his revenge. Evans' comeuppance will come next year, when Kaman will give him a hard foul bordering on flagrant, and all will be settled.

The league, however, has already fined Evans $10,000 for his act, which goes to show that you can buy five packs of Raman noodles for a dollar, but just one handful of Kaman's noodle will cost you much more. In addition, FIFA, soccer's governing body, issued Evans a yellow card for handball. Also, the World Wrestling Entertainment official assigned to Game 4 of the series was mysteriously looking the other way when Evans crotched Kaman, as were the NBA officials on duty. But what WWE official has ever seen a low-blow? Evans' assertion that it was a simple hand check has fallen on deaf ears.

If Evans pulled a similar stunt in the game of baseball, he could immediately expect a bean ball upside the head, and he could do nothing about it but take his base. The Bible, as well as the Major League Baseball rule book, states "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth," or something to that effect. In essence, if you hit my player with a pitch, I'll hit yours. There may be ejections involved, but the league usually lets incidences of retribution sort themselves out. The players are allowed to police themselves in that manner. The same applies to hockey. Fighting is not approved of nor discouraged, but if players fight, they are penalized equally, in most cases.

How does this apply to the Kaman/Evans' situation? Forget about Kaman's shove of Evans immediately after the incident. That's not true revenge. And Evans' fine of $10 grand isn't sufficient punishment. That's only $5,000 per testicle, and the physical and emotional trauma suffered by Kaman could render him sterile. Come to think of it, that may not be such a bad thing — the offspring of Chris Kaman are a frightening thought. However, Kaman chooses to get satisfaction, it won't equal his suffering, unless, of course, he tugs on Evans' shorts.

Let's say Kaman chooses to do unto Evans what was done unto him, and Kaman yanks on Evans' manhood when the Clippers and Nuggets first meet next season. Kaman will surely face a stiffer penalty than Evans, since everyone, including the officials and the league, will be looking for Kaman's reaction. Premeditation will be charged, and Kaman will face a more severe fine that Evans for the same offense. That's not fair. We all know Kaman won't go that route, because it's not cool to grab another man's testicles under any circumstances, unless your doctor is doing it. Well, even that's not cool, but if you don't like it, you don't vent your displeasure by grabbing your doctor's package. Ironically, you pay him for doing it.

So, what can Kaman do to vindicate himself? He should refrain from acts of revenge on the court. Psychological warfare is the name of the game now. Kaman should play with Evans' head. Even if Kaman has no intention of slapping Evans with a crotch shot, he should make Evans think he is. There's nothing worse than having your jewels grabbed except spending an entire offseason thinking you'll have the favor returned.

Kaman could start by mailing Evans a daily shipment of Kung Fu Grip G.I. Joe's. Ouch! Then he could send Evans a billiards rack with two matching eight balls. Rack 'em up! Finally, Kaman could have rapper Snoop Dogg call Evans and ask him, "Hey Reggie, did you get up with Deez?" When Evans replies "Deez who?" Snoop can respond with his famous line, "Deez nuts!" Upon hearing that, Evans will go limp with fear. It will be the worst offseason of Evans' life. Don't be surprised if he shows up for the season-opener in a Kevlar jock strap.

So, Evans will face retribution, but it won't be as immediate and absolute as it would have been had a comparable offense occurred in the sports of baseball or hockey. In addition, Evans will have to face the ignominy of being known as "that guy who grabbed that other guy's testicles."

Do you have a question or a comment? Want to tell me I'm an idiot? Need help with your homework? Need bail money? Want to know next week's Powerball numbers? Then send me your questions/comments/insults with your name and hometown to [email protected]. You may get the answer you're looking for in the next column on Friday, May 19th.