We begin with a brief interlude inside the mind of "The Jester's Quart" columnist and well-reviewed (at least in the one newspaper that actually did review "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History") author Greg Wyshynski, as his logic and sports fanaticism collide:
Logic — So, what will it be this week? An essay about why Babe Ruth's home run record is as deserving of an asterisk as Barry Bonds'? A diatribe about the evils of college sports recruiting? Isn't it time to take Gary Bettman to the woodshed again?
Sports Fan — No one cares about that nonsense today, man. It's all about the S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G B-E-A!
Logic — Ah, how cute. You spelled it out. Incorrectly.
Sports Fan — What'evs ... you S-U-C-K, by the way.
Logic — Great. Can you explain to me why Wyshynski should waste valuable column inches on the National Spelling Bee? Which, last time I checked, was never going to be confused with the decathlon when it comes to testing athletic aptitude?
Sports Fan — It was on ESPN. That makes it a sport.
Logic — Like poker and billiards.
Sports Fan — Right. If ESPN broadcasts the thing, then the thing's a sport.
Logic — So by that thinking, hockey would not be...
Sports Fan — (Grunts in absolute rage) Hey, Poindexter, here are another two words I just learned how to spell: F-U-C...
Logic — ...Back to my studies. I'm in the midst obliterating 95% of the plot from "X-Men: The Last Stand."
***
I remember the first time I opened up the sports section and found coverage of the Westminster Dog Show. I felt this jarring disorientation, like coming home from work and finding out your wife has replaced your 12-pack of Sam Adams with soy enemas.
Why was it covered in the sports section? Isn't a dog show basically the canine version of the Miss America pageant, at least in the sense that a significant amount of time is dedicated to celebrating good breeding, healthy teeth, and strong hind quarters?
What's even more amazing about the Kennel-Club-as-sport concept is that the Westminster event is shown on the USA Network, which means it doesn't even have the ultimate stamp of legitimacy for a sport: an ESPN logo in the top corner of the screen.
We've talked about the ESPN effect before, and it's staggering to see how its tentacles spread throughout every facet of sports, hobbies, entertainment, and general leisure activities. High stakes, no-limit Texas Hold'em is now a sport — before ESPN got on the poker bandwagon, I'm pretty sure you couldn't buy a starter set at the local Sports Authority. Bowling has long been categorized as a sport, but ESPN is the one that put pro bowling news on its sports ticker at the bottom of the screen. Billiards might not be widely thought of as a sport, but watching it on ESPN could convince you otherwise. Heck, even golf is now considered a sport thanks to ESPN...
And so is the National Spelling Bee. I watched the primetime coverage of the event on ABC, and as usual, it was compelling, enthralling, and ultimately heartbreaking — not from watching these children fall short of their dream, but because of the harsh reality that I'd be working at a Wendy's right now if it weren't for spell check. I don't want to say I'm a poor speller, but you really should have seen what this sentence looked like before Microsoft Word saved my ass (again).
The argument over whether the National Spelling Bee is or is not a sport is a non-starter. The fact that ESPN raised this baby means that it's been nurtured as a sporting event. The broadcast has the same bells and whistles applied to a golf tournament or to the Summer Olympics:
- Little character vignettes in which we learn the back-story and the quirks of each player.
- Camera angles that bring family members front-and-center as their children or siblings compete.
- Sideline reporters; in this case, former MTV movie maven Chris Connelly.
- A little piece of broadcasting heaven I like to call Robin Roberts.
And you can also bet on it. A sports wagering website, for the first time, offered several different gambling options on the National Spelling Bee this year: picking a male or female winner; betting on "home-schooled" vs. public-schooled; wagering on the geography of the winner's hometown; even betting on the size of the winning word. And I'm sure all of it was still easier than trying to bet on baseball.
That said, there's no way the National Spelling Bee could be considered a sport. The event is just too different from the realities of modern-day athletics that they're nearly opposing forces.
What do I mean? I mean there are...
Why the National Spelling Bee is Nothing Like Pro Sports
The only performance-enhancing drugs found in the competitors' systems are hay fever medication and Laffy Taffy...
The competitors have to take a written test which weeds out those who aren't intelligent enough to compete in prime time. In other words, it's the antithesis of the NBA Draft...
The complete lack of counterfeit scalped tickets and merchandise for sale outside the arena...
Despite the significant percentage of non-Caucasians in the event, no one's crying about "all those damn foreigners ruining America's game"...
Chris Berman has yet to discover a way to make the event all about him. (I'm guessing finding a stupid nickname for a kid named "Kavya Shivashankar" might have something to do with it)...
When a competitor is told his or her spelling of the word is incorrect, their immediate response isn't to raise their hands in the air, curse out of the referee, and act like every mistake they make is somebody else's fault. (And their parents don't run out to bump chests to argue with the bell-ringing lady, either...)
There's no such thing as EA Sports Scripps Bee 2007 ... yet...
The official polo shirts the competitors wear prevent any of them from making some additional coin by writing "GoldenPalace.com" on their backs in black paint...
The female competitors receive the same attention as the male competitors — and unlike in professional basketball, they aren't automatically considered to be lesbians...
There's no fighting...
It's a championship event, yet there's not a single performance from the Black-Eyed Peas or a reunited Destiny's Child during breaks in the action...
And finally, Pete Rose is, as of this writing, still eligible for the National Spelling Hall of Fame...
T-H-E E-N-D
Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington, DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" will be published in spring 2006. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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