In a less-than-clever spin off of the Miller Lite man laws commercials, I spent a segment of my radio show a few weeks back debating fan laws with the other people that work on the program. We came to some conclusions, agreed on some rules that all serious fans should abide by, and generally felt proud of ourselves for our effort. Talking to Carson Palmer changed everything.
It seemed like an easy enough topic, the commercials are fairly popular, and a way to determine the true devotion of a fan seemed like a sure winner. It just wasn't that easy. We settled on a few easy ones — you can't bring your glove to the ballpark if you are older than 12 unless it's for protection (a caveat I added to cover someone I used to do radio with, he actually broke his nose doing play-by-play so he needs protection whenever he's around athletic games), no cheering for a t-shirt if you are over 12, no keeping of foul balls if there are any kids around, etc.
Then things got harder. We struggled with how often fans had to tailgate at football games, how many times a week they had to watch SportsCenter, and with how many sporting events they needed to attend every month. It seemed so simple when my co-host suggested the idea. He couldn't stand American Idol and how many sports radio hosts were discussing the show and wanted to take a firm stance against it and those who love it. The segment after that, we talked with Bengals Pro Bowl quarterback Carson Palmer, and that changed my whole perspective on the fan laws.
It was the day after the American Idol finale, and Carson was pretty upset at the outcome. He openly admitted having the McPheever and thought Katherine McPhee was a lock to win (she lost to a young guy posing as an old guy). He said he took a lot of flack from guys in the locker room for claiming the show, but that didn't stop him from claiming the show. All of a sudden, making fun of guys for watching American Idol just didn't seem right anymore.
It's one thing for his teammates to give him garbage, but how could I ever feel right giving someone trash for watching the show when one of the top players in the NFL openly claims the show? It's not like I'm going to try and revoke Carson Palmer's man-card, so I was in a tough spot. What if he secretly enjoys drinking Zima, but we just didn't get to that in the interview? What if Jerome Bettis reveals that he owns a Clay Aiken album? This is a slippery slope, one that certainly changes any hope to pin down fan laws, let alone man laws.
It's easy to reach a consensus about things like tailgating and wearing customized jerseys with your own name on it, but everything changes if one of your favorite athletes admits to committing one of those acts. I've realized that from here on out Carson Palmer will be my standard for future fan laws. It cannot become official unless it's something I'd openly give Carson Palmer crap for if he did it.
With that in mind, I'm going to have to start from scratch with all fan laws. For me, there's no better place to start than with the wave. Real sports fans should never, under any circumstances, do the wave at a major sporting event. The fact that people get excited and pumped up for this is one of the most perplexing questions I've had to deal with during my time on this planet.
What the hell is the point of the wave? Perhaps the wave meant more during the era of its inception (the early-'80s at an NHL game or a MLB game) because it was new, but now it's beyond useless. While it rarely affects the crowd, when it does it only hurts the atmosphere. Instead of watching the game and cheering on their team, people keep their heads on a swivel to marvel in thousands of people being able to stand up at slightly synchronized times.
I've never seen any team get a big boost from their crowd doing the wave and I've never seen it fire up any fans. When talking about home-field advantage, players and analysts use things like decibel level to describe their fans. No one says "our fans are very adept at performing a coordinated sequence of actions." Then again, if you can't get motivated by transverse waves going at a rate of 22 seats per second, well, then you just can't get motivated period.
I never really began to hate the wave until I was at a Reds game recently. Two fans in my section, who weren't at the game together, tried to rally the crowd by encouraging everyone to start doing the wave. They failed miserably, and I'm assuming their fate in life was no different if that was their idea of a good time. I simply don't understand people like this. If they had pulled it off, would these fans have basked in their glory at a local watering hole after the game? Would they then recall the best waves they've been a part of? Would they put this sort of information on their resume?
There are plenty of ways to get fans involved in the game and it's still possible to get that special feeling of doing something thousands of other people are doing simultaneously by actually cheering wildly for your team (or by booing injured athletes in Philadelphia, or trying to be seen on TV if you're in L.A.). The wave is a waste of time, politically incorrect (why not just rename it the Tsunami?), and something that any real sports fan needs to avoid.
Consider it official, if you do the wave, I think less of you. This goes for you, too, Carson.
The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. All readers get a 10% signup bonus at BetOnSports by entering "Sports Gospel Promo" as the promo code. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on SC. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].
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