Paris Hilton wants to prove to you that she's not a slut. Accordingly, she's decided to give up sex for an entire year. Sure, sex has played a pretty enormous role in why she is so famous, but her effort to better her image should be applauded. In fact, the sports world would be well served to take notice and follow suit.
The idea of a year-long abstinence in order to make the sports world a better place sounds like a fantastic idea. It's like a year-long Lent and the reward when Easter rolls around is a better world for all sports fans. Still, as history has proved countless times, one man cannot make a difference. Everyone needs to come together on this. These are the things that athletes need to give up for one year.
Floyd Landis: giving up riding his bike — Let's be honest, his career is finished if he's hit with that two-year ban, so he's got to focus all of his attention on fighting to clear his name. Watching him spin a new excuse everyday has been mildly amusing, but think of the material we would get from him working on a brand new excuse every week.
After a few months, I'm pretty sure he'd reveal that he's merely caught in the crossfire of a confrontation between a number of ninjas led by an angry man wearing metal shrapnel and a collection of mutated sewer inhabitants fueled by several large pepperoni pizzas.
Barry Bonds: giving up hating everyone — It's not that I don't enjoy Barry's overwhelming disdain of everyone not named Barry Bonds, but the sports world would be a better place without it. Now, don't think Barry has to turn down his aggression just because he's toning down the hate. He can still try to kill everyone, only now he has to do it with kindness. He needs to fight back against his critics using a brand new arsenal of compliments and random acts of kindness. At the very least it would make for a few new episodes of Bonds on Bonds.
Peyton Manning: giving up choking in the playoffs and then blaming the rest of the team — The best throw Manning made in the playoffs last year was when he sent his offensive line spiraling under the bus. Without the "it's not my fault" attitude, I'm curious to see what can happen. Is he really good enough to get the Colts to the Super Bowl? Can he really be a team leader? Or will he challenge Floyd Landis in a competition to find the most absurd excuses for failure?
Marcus Vick: giving up pulling guns on teenagers in the parking lot of McDonald's — I'm not saying I disagree with his actions, because I know teenagers these days are cruel and can say hurtful things. I know it hurts doubly for those meanie-heads to hurt Vick's feelings at McDonald's, a place closely associated with happiness. Pulling a gun on the kids probably seemed like a just recourse in Vick's mind.
Still, he's impressing people in Miami and can't afford to mess this up. The NFL needs another Vick. Not just for the excitement he could bring to the game, but the potential havoc the Mexico brothers could wreak off the field is too entertaining to throw away over some wise-cracking 17-year-olds taking the Happy out of your Meal.
Chris Henry: giving up wearing his jersey while he commits crimes — I know this would be like acting Batman to fight in his street clothes, but if Henry wants to keep up his streak of breaking laws in humiliating fashion, he needs to come up with a costume separate of his football garb. I would much rather have him jumping out of limos while wearing a mask, cape, and leotard than wearing his Bengals No. 84 jersey.
Brett Myers: giving up punching his wife in the face — There has to be a better way of handling aggression. The sports world will be a calmer place once Myers realized he married a woman, not a stress relief toy.
Zinedine Zidane's mother: giving up demanding the testicles of other player's on a platter — After it was revealed what was said to Zidane, his mother reportedly wanted the testicles of the trash talker on a platter. I'm not pretending that soccer moms aren't crazy, because they are, I just fear for the time she's returning a call to the AP while dining at a restaurant. If you're the waiter when she orders someone's testicles on a platter, what do you do? Do you inform her that your menu doesn't carry that at the risk of seeing which parent Zinedine gets his head butting from, or do you try to find alternate testicles to serve her in the hopes that she has no way of verifying them?
Shawn Kemp: giving up trying to return to the NBA without fathering another child — He's attempting to comeback with the Denver Nuggets, but something doesn't feel right. He was arrested and charged with drug possession a few weeks ago (so I can check that off my list), but he's yet to father a new child during this comeback. To some basketball fans, that's part of who Shawn Kemp is. His return will never be successful until that happens.
I'm sure there are people who will be against this, but where's the logic in that? Whose to say that Shawn Kemp's 15th child couldn't end up being the President? Are you willing to come out and protest the conception of the future leader of the free world? Let's just hope this child is a boy...
Adam Morrison: giving up crying like a little girl while maintaining the same hairstyle — It's not the crying like a girl that's the main problem, it's the crying like a girl while sporting a girl's haircut. Every time he starts shedding tears next season, the new fans will think that crazy lady on the court is crying because she can't grow an adequate mustache. This is really just a rule for the fans.
Vijay Singh: giving up having a personality — This is just so he can have a valid excuse for not having a personality.
Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on SC. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].
Leave a Comment