I was walking through the newsroom the other day when I noticed a co-worker looking at an ad for the new Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson film "Gridiron Gang" on her computer monitor.
"You have to see that movie," I said to her.
"Why?" she replied.
"Well, you know what'll happen if you don't."
"No, what?"
"The Rock will layeth the smack down on your candy ass, that's what."
"No, he won't," she said, defiantly.
"Why?"
"Because I can smell what he's cooking."
The Rock's last match for World Wrestling Entertainment was at Wrestlemania XX in March 2004. His legacy as the last crossover, touchstone performer for Vince McMahon's flying circus is undeniable; like Hulk Hogan before him, The Rock's cadre of catchphrases and signature moves are know to the wrestling smarts and ignorants alike. In less than a decade on the circuit, he added more to the pop culture lexicon than Dane Cook and "Family Guy" could if given 50 years.
Like Hogan, The Rock left professional wrestling for Hollywood. Unlike Hogan — and I cover all of the Hulkster's string of cinematic abortions in my book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" — The Rock has found a modicum of success. His cameo in "The Mummy Returns" helped at the box office, and he headlined "The Scorpion King" to over $90 million in gross receipts. "The Rundown" was a surprise hit, and his remake of "Walking Tall" nearly matched it. "Be Cool" and "Doom" failed, but hopes are high for his based-on-a-true-story football drama "Gridiron Gang."
I won't be seeing "Gridiron Gang" because I didn't see "Invincible" or "Coach Carter" or "Friday Night Lights" or any of the other 10,000 "inspirational" sports movies cut from the same mold. They do nothing for me. I'll gladly pay $10 to see the worst sports comedy — come to think of it, I did ante up to see "Necessary Roughness" in the theater — than some piffle about a coach helping some shy kid learn how to believe in himself or the star player how to read or the principal/team owner/local politician how to realize what a Caucasian douchebag he's being. The last one of these films I did pay to see was "Miracle," and that's only because I wanted to find out if liberal Hollywood would still allow the Commies to lose the big game.
I also won't be seeing this film because it stars The Rock. Because it's beneath him. Because he's one of the most naturally charismatic entertainers in the industry, and I don't believe a half-baked football film does that justice — like most of his other movie roles haven't.
It's time accept the fact that The Rock's best acting performances may be behind him — in the squared circle of the WWE.
There comes a time in every young man's life when he realizes wrestling is fake. It begins when you start to question the little things, like how championship belts never seem to change hands without a television camera present. Then you begin to notice how the punches never seem to land, or how the ring seems to bounce like a trampoline, or how the dropkick makes no sense as a practical offensive maneuver. Then you actually see the wrestlers whispering instructions to each other as they prepare to bounce off the ropes. The final straw for me was when devout American hero "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan was pulled over in New Jersey in the same car as (gasp!) his enemy The Iron Sheik and (double gasp!) a bag of weed.
(It occurs to me that I may have just pissed in the Cheerios of some of my younger readers, who may still hold out hope that professional wrestling isn't phonier than The Tooth Fairy.)
(I would encourage my younger readers to disregard that last part about the Tooth Fairy. I'm sure she's real ... unlike, say, the existence of funny female comedians and many sections of the Old Testament.)
(I'm going to stop now.)
So if their sport is bogus, what are professional wrestlers? Athletes? Actors? I've seen them described as stunt men. I prefer to think of them as dancers with occasional monologues — half the time, they tell a story with actions rather than words, and the other half they spend trying to get you to emotionally invest in their character through bellowing taunts and rambling rants.
Wrestling is stereotypically linked with having to cater to the lowest common denominator — the scantily-clad women wrestling in lingerie doesn't exactly provide a stellar counterpoint — but in reality it's no different than any other serialized fiction on television. Its success depends on scriptwriting that maintains interest in plotlines from week-to-week, while also pressing the requisite hot buttons to have guys cheering while sitting on their couches. Its success depends on performers who are able to tell that story in and out of the ring, no matter what their predetermined role was in a given week.
To that end, The Rock may be the greatest actor of our generation.
He used to claim to his WWE persona was his own, with "the volume turned way up." Which is basically Mel Gibson in "Mad Max" or "Lethal Weapon," or any other actor praised for his "raw" intensity. In reality, The Rock was able to pull off an impressive feat unequalled by many current Hollywood actors: he was as compelling as a villain as he was a hero.
I'm not talking about being an anti-hero here. That's easy. That's Jack Nicholson in "Batman" easy. Tom Cruise was praised for his turn in "Collateral," but I never found myself actually rooting against him. I'm talking about making people loathe you, which they did at first when The Rock turned heel and joined a WWE version of the Nation of Islam (don't ask). Gradually, his role changed from the guy you hate to love to the guy you love to hate to a flat-out fan favorite. Wrestling used to be made of "heels" and "faces"; The Rock helped usher in an era of shades of gray, simply because the fans reacted to his performances with such passion.
He never won an Emmy, because I'm pretty sure the Academy would have to disband if a professional wrestler ever received as much as a nomination, no matter how much better Ric Flair is than that hack Kiefer Sutherland. But The Rock might have deserved to win one — the performances he created in the WWE were nothing less than revolutionary, and he managed to pull them off without a second take from the director.
In fact, The Rock's greatest virtue as an actor might be his ability to work a live room, without a net. There's something electric about it that doesn't translate to film — like a stage actor whose move to the screen eliminates a certain ferocity in his performance.
The other major issue with his movie career has been an inability for film makers to play to his strengths. That's different than playing to his strength, like in the "Mummy" films and "Walking Tall." It's using his charisma, using his natural swagger, using his ability to outshine anyone in his orbit. Forget the hackneyed sports movies — The Rock would absolutely kill as the rival lover in a romantic comedy. He'd kill as the mark in a con artist movie. The only film to attempt something like this was "Be Cool," and whatever success he had was swallowed up by the cesspool in that John Travolta suckfest.
Then again, maybe it doesn't get any better than professional wrestling for Dwayne Johnson. He's like Eddie Murphy — sure, there have been some great movies and some not-as-great movies (and something called "The Adventures of Pluto Nash,") but has he ever been better than he was on "Saturday Night Live?" Not by a long-shot. Actors will always thrive in situations that accentuate their talents.
For The Rock, his greatest acting may have been done under the lights at WrestleMania or SummerSlam. It's a shame that because of the medium, those performances will never truly be appreciated outside of the wrestling community. He's never going to be that good again.
Or perhaps I'm just a jabroni who needs to know his role and shut his mouth. If you smell what The Rock is cooking...
Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington, DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book is "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History." His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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