I've screamed, "This team is killing me," many more times than I care to admit.
Sadly, I've also sworn to kill someone if a game's outcome doesn't go the way me or my Proline ticket wants it to on at least a couple of occasions.
But never would I wish, not for myself or any of the ones I've threatened, to be buried in a casket emblazoned with a Philadelphia Phillies logo.
And yet it's an option.
A company, cleverly named (gulp) Eternal Image, has partnered with Major League Baseball to release a line of afterlife comfort products (i.e. coffins, urns) that will allow fans to take their passion for their team with them to the grave.
I'm going to give it a minute while this sinks in.
Dooo do do do do. La la la. Sigh. Okay, time's up.
WHAT THE F&%* IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!?!?!
I though when we got past the Spiderman 2 bases incident, we were clear of ridiculous MLB promotions for a while. Clearly, that was wishful thinking.
So I ask: do people really want to be lowered to their final resting place in a lacquered box with a Boston Red Sox logo? Are there really people that desire to sit in a Los Angeles Dodgers jar on someone's mantle for eternity? And who are the people that would let grandma Dodgers Freak sit there like that anyway?
I still have trouble believing these people exist, but they do.
"Our clubs receive these requests with some frequency. We have really passionate fans," said Major League Baseball spokesperson Susan Goodenow.
Look, Sue, not all passion is good passion. When Carl Everett passionately insisted that dinosaurs were fake — not good. When Mark Foley passionately pursued pubescent pages — definitely not good.
What? Too soon?
But I guess people should have the right to any kind of send off they want. And if that involves the Boston Red Sox, Detroit Tigers, KISS, or a charcoal sketch of Oprah, it should all be fair game.
Hey, you should be able to have a picture of Mark Foley if you want to. Or maybe George Allen in a warm embrace with an East Indian gentleman.
You could have it all, but God, why would you want to?
What if you get to heaven and find out Jesus is a Pittsburgh Pirates fan? And here you are in an Atlanta Braves coffin like a schmuck.
And where does it stop? I mean what if you don't have a favorite team? What if you want your urn to look like one of those jackets with the logos of every NBA organization on them? Or what if you don't like any club and just want the face of a player — say, Albert Pujols — to be the image family see as you're lowered into the ground?
Thankfully, at least that last one will never happen because MLB would actually have to pay someone.
But aside from the restrictions that come from personal likeness fees, it's only a matter of time for the rest of it, and I'm not going to give you examples because anything you can think of probably applies.
Although maybe it's not such huge a deal. Perhaps all my worrying is for nothing. After all, as Goodenow insists, MLB always has control over the tastefulness of the products it licenses.
Wow, I almost typed that out with a straight face. Man, I kill myself.
Yankees, please.
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