Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Indianapolis @ Baltimore
What's this? Peyton Manning throwing interceptions to Ty Law? That can mean only one thing: it must be January. Manning was 30-of-38 for 268 yards and one touchdown pass, but his three interceptions, two by Law, gave the stagnant Kansas City offense a glimmer of hope. That hope that was quashed again and again by an unlikely source — the Colts defense.
"Darn that Ty Law," says Manning. "He's my Waterloo. I guess that makes me Napoleon Bonaparte, or ABBA. Luckily, Law plays for the Chiefs and not the Patriots. But none of those interceptions were my fault. Have you noticed that whenever I throw a pick, I always make that hand motion indicating the receiver broke in the wrong direction? Marvin Harrison hates when I do that. He gets so mad, he actually talks. I know I'll have to play better against the Baltimorons and their No. 1-ranked defense, the Raven Lunatics. And, they're coming off a bye. That's like having drinks with Vladimir Putin, then going hunting with Dick Cheney. Not nearly as frightening as the thought of a playoff game at New England in the snow. Oops! I just soiled myself. Normally a tragic situation, but for me, an opportunity — to start the 'De-Pends! De-Pends!' chant and endorse yet another product."
Baltimore's defense will try to implement schemes that Manning can not recognize, including blitzes from all angles, zone blitzes, disguised coverages, and gentle reminders that it's the playoffs, he's on the road, and he's a Manning.
"We aim to confuse Manning," says Brian Billick. "If not with our coverages and schemes, then with a history of professional football in Baltimore. Now, the Colts used to play in Baltimore until they moved to Indianapolis. The Cleveland franchise moved to Baltimore in 1996. Then, the 'new' Cleveland Browns franchise returned to the NFL in 1999. That's three current teams in the league with ties to Baltimore. Ponder that, Manning. If that doesn't make your head spin, then maybe the possibility of this will: Brian Billick, two-time Super Bowl champion coach."
This is a classic matchup of a great offense versus a great defense. Don't be fooled. The NFL has entered a new era — offense wins championships, defense gets those felony charges reduced to misdemeanors. The Ravens, of course, will try to slow the pace of the game down with their running game and Jamal Lewis. At least, that's what everyone thinks. If Brian Billick is half the genius he thinks he is, he'll come out throwing. This will be a close game; there's always time for the running game.
The Colts can pay slowdown, too, with their short passing game. Manning won't force the deep throws; he'll take what the defense gives him. Of course, if he throws three interceptions, the defense will give him his fifth road playoff loss, and the ever-growing legacy of playoff shortcomings. Here's the secret, Peyton: you don't have to win this game yourself. Just keep it close, pray that those imposters masquerading as your defense show up again, and make a diving tag to Adam Vinatieri for the game-winning kick.
Colts win, 23-21.
Philadelphia @ New Orleans
The Eagles put the Giants out of their misery on David Akers 38-yard field goal as time expired, giving Philly a 23-20 and a ticket to New Orleans for Saturday's divisional playoff. Mobbed by his teammates after the kick, Akers later thanked Jesus Christ, his family, his dietician, his masseuse, his nanny, the Easter Bunny, Dean Witter, and holder Koy Detmer, in that order.
"Hey, I feel bad for Tony Romo," says Akers, "but his misfortune has brought a new appreciation for the holder, and a great opportunity for Romo to endorse Texas Hold 'em Poker. I hear Romo's even holding on tee shots for Bill Parcells and Jerry Jones at Jones' championship-caliber, 18-hole golf course, 'Jerry Built No. 3.' As for Detmer, the Eagles organization has shown its appreciation for his flawless holds with a contract extension through next week, with an option for the following week, and a $200 dollar roster bonus."
While 10-6 would have only earned you a road trip to New England in the AFC, in the NFC it gets you a first-round bye in the playoffs. And, if your team was 3-13 in 2005, it gets your coach, Sean Payton, the Associated Press Coach of the Year award. And, if you're the quarterback of that team and you're named Drew Brees, it gets you voted to the first team on the AP All-Pro team.
"That's right," says Brees. "I edged Peyton for that spot by one vote, 25 to 24, and Eli Manning by 25 votes. And I ran a red light and did doughnuts on the Archie Manning Causeway in the Big Easy. Brees 3, Manning's 0. But enough about the Manning's; let's talk about the Garcia's, Jeff in particular. How many more times are we going to have to see that injured hand of his? Big deal! He lost some skin. I practically had my shoulder ripped out of socket last year, and I made the All-Pro team. Even Wiley E. Coyote can't recover that fast from such an injury. We all know who still calls the shots on that Eagles team — Momma McNabb."
The Saints were 3-1 against the NFC East this year, including a 27-24 win over the Eagles in Week 6, a game won by John Carney's field goal as time expired. This one may not go down to the wire, but it promises to be a close contest. The Saints will try to exploit cornerback Roderick Hood, who replaces the injured Lito Sheppard, with big receivers Marques Colston and Devery Henderson. If successful, this should open up space underneath for Reggie Bush and holes in the middle for Deuce McAllister. The Eagles will counter by moving Garcia in the pocket while looking for mismatches with Bryan Westbrook. And Philly is always good for a bomb or two; don't forget, the Saints corners are often vulnerable to double moves. Actually, I just made all that analysis up, but I bet if Mark Schlereth, the man with the most meticulously-groomed goatee in the history of facial hair, said it, you'd believe it.
Saints win, 30-24.
New England @ San Diego
New England pulled away from the Jets in the fourth quarter for a convincing 37-16 win over Eric Mangini and the Jets, earning the Patriots a shot at No. 1 seed San Diego on Sunday. Bill Belichick's game plan centered on protecting Tom Brady, and the Pats' quarterback suffered only one sack while picking apart the Jets secondary for 212 yards and two touchdowns.
"I know protection against the Chargers will be much tougher," says Brady. "I know Shawne Merriman's rush is ferocious, but nowhere near as fierce as Coach Belichick's burst through a bunch of cameramen to plant a hug on Mangini. And I thought those handshakes were awkward. I've seen disastrous blind dates end with more feeling. I'm actually comforted by the fact that Merriman will be trying to take my head off and not hug me."
Marty Schottenheimer and the Chargers will put their 14-2 record on the line in an attempt to advance to the AFC title game. He'll also put his 5-12 payoff record as a head coach on the line, a bet that is sure to be called and raised heavily by Belichick, who sports an 11-1 playoff record as coach of the Patriots.
"Kenny Rogers once said, 'Damn! I thought I mistreated cameramen. Bill Belichick should be charged with assault,'" says Schottenheimer. "That was Kenny Rogers the baseball player. Now, Kenny Rogers the country singer and fried chicken connoisseur once said, 'Gosh Dolly! Those are huge!' right after he saw her two bodyguards. Kenny also said, 'You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.' In this case, I'll hold 'em. I've got an ace high, LaDainian Tomlinson, and the King of Clubs, Shawne Merriman. If we flop, I'll be the first coach to go 14-2 and get fired."
Belichick and the Patriots aren't going to make Philip Rivers beat them; they're going to dare him to. Here's what you do, Marty. Sit Rivers down, look him straight in the eye, and say, "I have no idea how to win a big playoff game. Kid, you're on your own."
"Honesty is always the best policy," agrees former Dolphins coach Nick Saban.
This is Tomlinson's game to win or lose. He's been unstoppable all year, but does the cold, calculating, and extremely underdressed Belichick have a plan? Ask any analyst, and they'll say the Chargers need to get Tomlinson the ball "in space." Really? That's brilliant. I was thinking they should get him the ball with seven to eleven defenders around. Actually, the best way to get L.T. the ball is to throw it to him, "in space." Heck, let him take a few direct snaps and throw the ball, and I bet he's one hell of a pooch punter.
After the Chargers easily drive 65 yards to the New England 15-yard line, resulting in a Nate Kaeding field goal, Schottenheimer feels confident to go conservative. Then, on cue, rapper Kurtis Blow's new single, "Martyball," begins to play over the public address system. Not surprisingly, Schottenheimer knows all the lyrics, including verse eight, which calls for "two straight fullback dives and a draw play on third and 25."
Patriots win, 24-23.
Seattle @ Chicago
While the Cowboys are kicking themselves (or at least trying to) that they're not in Chicago, the Seahawks are thrilled at the thought of heading to the Windy City for another shot at the Bears. In Week 4, Chicago whipped Seattle 37-6 behind 100% effort from quarterback Rex Grossman. Not much went right for the Seahawks, who were playing without injured running back Shaun Alexander, but they still found some positives in the loss.
"We did? Oh, we did," says Mike Holmgren. "You know, most teams, after a loss like that, would have folded and given up on the season. But no, we sucked it up, and, like true champions, went 6-6 the rest of the way to qualify for the playoffs. Then again, like true champions, we advance on nothing short of a miracle when Tony Romo bungles the snap on a field goal. We're living a charmed life. It would just be our luck if Grossman posts a passer rating in the 0 to 1.3 range and we advance to the NFC championship."
Bears coach Lovie Smith prepared for the divisional round game with the same kind of conviction Grossman displayed in preparing for the regular-season finale versus Green Bay. Smith spent last Saturday in the stands enjoying the Kansas City/Indianapolis game.
"Hey, Tank Johnson is a flight risk," says Smith, "but I'm not. Somebody's got to move those firearms across state lines. Seriously, though, I had to get out of Chicago and the media circus surrounding the Rex Grossman situation. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Rex Grossman is our quarterback. All those in favor, say 'nay.' All those opposed, say 'yay.' Good. It's very difficult tho switch quarterbacks so late in the season. As supergroup Chicago once said, Rex is a 'Hard Habit to Break.' Look, I know Griese can win a Super Bowl. But Bob Griese is cozied up with Brad Nessler is a booth somewhere discussing the pros and cons of the BCS system. If Rex's quarterback rating in the first half is less than his jersey number, then Brian Griese gets his shot."
If the Bears don't want to blow a home game to get to the NFC final, again, then they should throw the ball on the depleted Seattle secondary, something the Cowboys failed to do. Grossman is at his best (which still isn't very good) when he can toss the ball randomly 40 yards downfield and let Muhsin Muhammad and Bernard Berrian go get it. You know, get that rating out of the 60s, get a lead, and let the defense and special teams take over.
Chicago wins, 22-19.
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