Continued from NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 1 (Pt. 1)
Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Philadelphia @ Green Bay
Week 1 in Green Bay begins Brett Favre's sold-out "Contemplating Retirement Tour III," sponsored by Prilosec, Wrangler Jeans, and Copenhagen smokeless tobacco. Favre will turn 38 in October, but still has one of the best arms in the game, and an unbending will that's allowed him to play in 237 consecutive games.
"Speaking of 'unbending,'" says Favre, "I just signed a new endorsement deal with Viagra. I am an iron man, but only on the field. Not only can I throw the pill, I can sling the pills, too. Honestly, I don't see myself retiring until management is comfortable with Aaron Rogers at quarterback, so it looks like I'll be around until Aaron's retirement."
The Eagles hope to make another playoff run, hopefully with a healthy Donovan McNabb for the duration of the year. After a sports hernia ended his 2005 season, McNabb suffered a season-ending knee injury last year. It's become an all too common occurence for Andy Reid.
"Absolutely," says Reid. "The words I most hate to hear, besides, 'Mr. Reid, this is the police. We have your sons,' are 'Ouch, that feels like a season-ending injury.' If Donovan stays healthy, I like our chances. If he gets hurt, I still like our chances. This is the NFC East, after all. 8-8 gets you places."
Before the game, McNabb and Favre chat at midfield, where McNabb asks the venerable Packer legend how he remains injury-free. Favre explains that pain is all in the head, then proceeds to describe the litany of injuries he's suffered, in great detail. McNabb vomits on the spot, but feels much better, and throws two touchdowns as the Eagles overcome the Packers, 27-21.
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
The Browns executed arguably the league's best draft, taking offensive tackle Joe Thomas with the third pick and selecting Notre Dame's Brady Quinn 22nd. Quinn had earlier been projected as a high first round pick, possibly No. 1, but slipped all the way to 22, which easily takes the cake as the cruelest rookie prank ever perpetrated.
"As an Ohio native, it's great to be in Cleveland no matter the circumstances," say Quinn. "The pressure doesn't bother me. I went from playing in the shadow of Touchdown Jesus to playing in the shadows of Charlie Frye and Derek Anderson. And, like fans who believe in a bright future for this franchise, I don't believe in Frye or Anderson. And I'm a little skeptical of Jesus, too. Not his existence or omnipotence, but his ability to go through his progressions in a timely manner. I'd says he's a pretty good quarterback, but no team's saviour."
The Steelers have a new coach, Mike Tomlin, who's first order a business was putting his troops through a grueling training camp. His second order of business was keeping quarterback Ben Rothlisberger away from motorcycles.
"Ben wasn't even allowed to look at motorcycles," says Tomlin. "And communication with Robbie Knievil and Kellen Winslow was strictly prohibited. In addition, he wasn't allowed to see the movie 'Wild Hogs,' although, on second thought, allowing him to see the film may have sent the right message: some white guys just shouldn't be on motorcycles."
Frye was named the starter, so I guess Quinn will have to wait his turn, which may come in Week 7, or as soon as the second quarter. Roethlisberger throws two touchdown passes, and the Steelers brown and serve Cleveland. Pittsburgh wins, 27-14.
Tennessee @ Jacksonville
History will be made in Jacksonville on Sunday. When the Titans hit the field against the Jaguars, it will be the first time that two black quarterbacks have squared off against each other this year. Madden '08 cover boy Vince Young will face David Garrard, who's got the Jaguar starting job all to himself in the absence of Byron Leftwich, who was reassigned to AA Peoria to work on his delivery, which was much too slow and allowed too many easy stolen bases.
"No, Byron was just released," says Jacksonville's Jack Del Rio, who has the burden of carrying the title of coolest coach never to have won a Super Bowl. "He never quite figured out that in football, you have to pitch from the stretch. And he was just lazy. I don't know how many times we told him that our offensive linemen would not carry him down the field after long completions, but he just didn't get it. We'll be fine with Garrard."
The Titans went 8-8 last year, with Young getting the save in six of those wins, often in heroic fashion. Young may be asked to do even more this year, with the loss of leading rusher Travis Henry and red zone threat Drew Bennett, both free-agent casualties.
"Look, I'll do anything for this team," says Young, "including, but not limited to, slugging my own players, as long as I'm allowed to sleep in my own bed. Plus, if my Wonderlic test scores are mentioned, they must first be multiplied by the speed of light. I also demand a fresh du-rag and a washtub full of green Skittles in the locker room before every game."
Young's demands are met, and his attempts at offense are, too, with a Jacksonville defender. Garrard goes an efficient 13-of-17, and Maurice Jones-Drew rushes for a score. Leftwich throws two innings of no-hit relief in Peoria. The Jaguars win, 26-13.
Chicago @ San Diego
Could this be a preview of Super Bowl XLII? It very well may. In fact, noted French seer of the future/drug dealer Nostramadus predicted that very matchup in his 2007 preview, War, Famine, Death, and the NFL, published sometime in the 1500s. And when has Nostramadus ever been wrong?
"Never," says Lovie Smith, still a little upset that his No. 1 most trusted source for news, The Weekly World News, ceased publication in August. "The man is always right. But if we make it to the Super Bowl and still lose, we'll be very disappointed. Second-best is never good enough. Do you think K2 likes being the second-highest mountain in the world to Mount Everest? Do you think Kay Tu likes being the second-best Asian masseuse in the world to Hap Pe Yndyng? I doubt it. We're in it to win it. Ultimately, the key to our season boils down to finding an answer to one question: was there a 'hummer' involved when Lance Briggs wrecked his Lamborghini?"
The Chargers season ended on an even more frustrating note, losing at home in the divisional playoffs to New England. The loss was particularly painful for coach Marty Schottenheimer, was was fired despite a 14-2 regular season record. Now, Norv Turner takes over one of the most talented teams in the league, and knows that anything short of a Super Bowl win will likely be his downfall.
"Look, I don't appreciate working with an unstated ultimatum hanging over my head," says Turner. "If the front office wants me to outdo what Schottenheimer did, then just tell me. I can't guarantee a 15-1 or 16-0 regular season record. However, if I could, I could also guarantee and early playoff exit."
Do you think the Chargers will dare Rex Grossman to beat them? Or at least knock a few batteries off their shoulders? Expect both teams to play it close to the vest, with Nate Kaeding's field goal giving the Chargers a tough 20-17 win.
Detroit @ Oakland
What did the Lions get in the offseason? Well, they drafted Georgia Tech wide receiver Calvin Johnson, physically the most gifted player in the draft, and not too shabby mentally, as well, as he has yet to be charged with a DWI, or a gun violation, or running with a trigger-happy posse, or assaulting a Bengal in a casino, or dogfighting, or late fees at the library, for that matter. But he is young.
The Lions also added a boatload of confidence, too. Quarterback Jon Kitna promised that Detroit would win 10 or more games, while wideout Mike Furrey (pronounce "fury," as in "fit of rage," and not "furry," like a cuddly teddy bear) said the team should win "10 to 12 games, easily." Hey, you've got to admire the kind of confidence that is based solely on, well, nothing. The Lions were 3-13 last year, not good enough to predict a berth in the Super Bowl, but plenty darn good enough to allow President and CEO Matt Millen to keep his job, again.
Millen's Lions will face the team he was lucky enough to be on when they won Super Bowls XV and XVIII (back when slow, white linebackers could find work in the NFL). That would be the Oakland Raiders, led by owner Al Davis, who, never fail, always seems to emerge from his crypt at about this time of year. Davis came out in a pleasant mood, rejuvenated after a six-month sleep and humming the Scorpions' "Winds of Change." Gone is Art Shell, replaced by new coach Lane Kiffin, former USC offensive coordinator and son of cover 2 guru Monte Kiffin. Gone is Randy Moss, replaced by some unknown fourth-string wideout who'll produce comparable numbers to those Moss posted in two years as a Raider.
"Change is in the air," says Davis. "Can you smell it? No? Well, maybe you smell smoke, the byproduct of me lighting this cigar with a handful of flaming $100 bills. I can afford to do that, you know, but I can't afford to sign the No. 1 overall pick in the draft, JaMarcus Russell."
Russell remains unsigned, and free-agent pickup Dominic Rhodes, apparently not quite down from his Super Bowl high, is out four games for violating the league's drug policy. But the Raiders have a secret weapon. No, it's not Daunte Culpepper. It's their defense, which kept the team in games last year they eventually lost. Expect the Oakland defense to score a touchdown and give Millen a generally unwelcome homecoming. Oakland wins, 27-21.
Tampa Bay @ Seattle
Choosing a starter at quarterback was one of the toughest decisions Jon Gruden has ever been faced with. Almost as tough as deciding to call off that hit on Keyshawn Johnson five years ago, or turning down a cameo in Child's Play VII: I Know What You Did With Your Spleen Last Year. The Bucs signed Jeff Garcia to join Chris Simms and Bruce Gradkowski to battle for the job, and tried to get former Denver QB Jake Plummer to join the fray. Gruden finally chose his starter in late August while tooling around the Gulf of Mexico in his yacht, The Hot Seat.
"Ahoy, mateys," says Gruden. "Permission to come aboard, you little swabbeys. Garcia is our quarterback. It was a tough choice, but it came down to a matter of heart. Jeff's got a lot of heart, and he also possesses a full complement of his other organs."
Seattle is only two years removed from a Super Bowl appearance, and narrowly missed a berth in the NFC championship last year. The Seahawks remain the favorite in the NFC West, either the NFL's most balanced division, or it's most mediocre. Shaun Alexander is healthy, and quarterback Matt Hasselbeck gives the team veteran leadership.
"We're not ready to give up this division just yet," says Hasselbeck. "And why would we? We've won it with a 9-7 record, and it may take even less than that this year."
Alexander rushes for 122 yards and a touchdown, and the Seattle defense holds the Bucs to under 200 yards of offense. Seahawks win, 23-14.
N.Y. Giants @ Dallas
What does a "New York minute" cost? If you're Giants defensive end Michael Strahan, it runs you about $9.92. That's what a minute costs when you're being fined $14,288 for each day of training camp missed. Strahan finally reported to camp on September 3rd, but much to his chagrin, he wasn't even the top story at Camp Coughlin.
"That's right," says Eli Manning. "Michael's second page news as long as Tiki Barber is practicing his critical thought. How dare Tiki question my leadership? That's just not true. I can't tell you the number of times I've led the Conga line at team functions. Okay, I've never even heard of the song 'Leader of the Pack,' neither the Shangri-Las' version nor that of Twisted Sister, although I do tend to overdo the makeup on occasion. All this controversy is ridiculous, anyway. We're playing Dallas. Shouldn't the controversy involve Terrell Owens, or maybe a certain quarterbacks coach who was suspended five games for using human growth hormone?"
"Dad gummit!" says head coach Wade Phillips. "I knew I never should have hired Leon Lett as quarterbacks coach. What's that? You're telling me Wade Wilson is on HGH? I guess now you're going to tell me that Michael Irvin did cocaine before. Hogwash! But, let's keep the talk of controversial Dallas receivers at a minimum. I don't need T.O. thinking no one's talking about him. I've never been a coach to coddle star players. I won't tuck T.O. in at night, unless, of course, he asks me to. I guess some warm milk wouldn't hurt, either."
Owens has been mysteriously quiet in the offseason, so he's got to be ready for an explosion. Owens has a touchdown, and Julius Jones rushes for a score, and gives Bill Parcells a shout-out. Dallas wins, 30-20. Afterwards, Barbers leads a hated-players-only meeting, in which he is the only attendee.
Baltimore @ Cincinnati
With all the previous bad publicity, isn't it good to see a Bengal do something positive? That was the case in June when Cincy wide receiver Chad Johnson raced a quarterhorse named Restrore The Roar, with proceeds going to charity. Johnson quickly raced to a 100-meter lead, mostly because he was given a 100-meter head start, an easily won, just as he predicted, in the 1/8-mile race. Later, teammate and Roger Goodell conduct-casualty charter member Chris Henry tried to return the horse to the paddock, but was stopped short and charged with "H.W.I."
"I'll be going for two straight in my next race," says Johnson, "against former Breeder's Cup winner Ocho Pinto."
There's a new set of fresh legs in Baltimore. No, I'm not talking about some new hires at "The Night Shift," Baltimore's No. 1 bring-your-own-beer, all-nude strip joint. I'm talking about the arrival of Willis McGahee, acquired for three draft picks in a trade with Buffalo. McGahee brings youth to the Ravens rushing game, which had somewhat stagnated behind Jamal Lewis. McGahee was admittedly unhappy in Buffalo, but found pleasure as the only resident of the city who could bend his knee in the opposite direction.
"I'll fit right into the Ravens rushing attack," says McGahee, "and I just love bring-your-own-beer, all-nude strip joints. By the way, there are several employees who can bend their knees in the opposite direction."
The winner gets a leg up in the AFC North. The Ravens have defense, but is McGahee the boost their offense needs? The Bengals can score, but defense has never been a priority in Cincinnati. The Bengals defense pleads guilty to sucking, but Palmer and Johnson bail them out, setting the stage for Johnson's "Giddy-Up" touchdown celebration, in which he mounts a Paul Brown Stadium employee for a ride across the end zone. Cincinnati wins, 28-23.
Arizona @ San Francisco
It's the second game of a special Monday Night Football doubleheader, two up-and-coming NFC West teams battle in San Fran's Monster Park, a stadium allegedly on steroids. But what is the real story here? Is it the novelty of the first non-hurricane related MNF double-header? Is it the fact that such an early-season game could go a long way in determining the NFC West division crown? Or is the anticipation in seeing how the Mike Greenburg/Mike Golic, Mike and Mike in the Morning schtick fares on such a stage?
"Hey, this ain't the Arena Football League," says 49er coach and 11th best-dressed man in the world, Mike Nolan. "This is the big time. The 'Golic is the overeating jock, Greeny is the effeminate pansy' routine is great on radio and the 'Deuce,' but will MNF fans buy it? I don't know. I'll need to see them step up their game. Come on, Golic. Man up. Unless I hear the exchange 'Hey, Greeny. Yes, Golic. Are you gay?' then I'll be very disappointed. Thank goodness Mike Ditka will be in the booth with them to keep the focus on football."
Both of these teams are trendy picks to win the division, but the trendier pick may be the trusty "oh, they're one year away" pick. You could make a case for any team in the West to win the division; you could just as easily refute that statement. But no one would argue that both of these teams are improved.
"If you want to crown us," says Cardinal coach Ken Whisenhunt, "then crown our asses."
"We're just as good a pick as anyone," says Matt Leinart. "So why not us? We've already cliched home-field advantage for the Super Bowl, I've infiltrated the Manning family, and I'm no threat to win Father of the Year, so all of my focus will be on football. We are so money."
Leinart comes out throwing, tossing two scores, and the Cardinals win, 31-27.
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