NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 5

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Arizona @ St. Louis (+3)

It's not looking good in St. Louis. Injuries continue to decimate the Rams, particularly the offensive line, the team can't score (averaging less than 10 points per game), Marc Bulger is playing with two broken ribs, and Steven Jackson's groin is still sore.

"Just to clarify," says Scott Linehan, "the St. Louis Blues are a hockey team and not our state of mind. Even with the broken ribs, Marc will play. Steven, however, will not. And I can't blame him. I mean, a man's got what, 17, 18 ribs? What's two broken ones? Steven's got only one groin."

The quarterback situation is different in Arizona, where the Cardinals have two healthy players at that position, Matt Leinart and Kurt Warner. The two passed for a combined 337 yards in last week's win over Pittsburgh.

"There are no rib issues with us," says Leinart. "I can't speak for Kurt, but the only ribs I'm concerned with are those utilized for 'her' pleasure. As far as this platoon situation at quarterback, I'm all for it as long as it works. We've had to convince Kurt, though. He believes that another man should not covet another man's center. I just told him that threesomes are pretty sweet as long as no one gets hurt. So, it looks like Kurt will keep playing odd-numbered downs and I'll get even-numbered downs."

Under normal circumstances, a team like the Rams would be solid to break their winless streak at home. But their injury situation is dire, and Arizona's "Heaven and Hell" quarterback tandem is working. Cardinals win, 30-20.

Atlanta @ Tennessee (-8)

It's too bad that Michael Vick's legal troubles deprived us of the matchup that would have featured Vick against Tennessee's Vince Young. The former quarterback of the future whose troubles started with marijuana and middle fingers to the fans, then escalated to dog-fighting, versus today's quarterback of the future who is pretty well-behaved but for an occasional slugging of a teammate in practice. But that probably won't lead to dog-fighting, one would think.

"The thought of dog-fighting appalls me," says Young, who maintains legendary status in the dark, mysterious underworld of Wonderlic scores, where he is known as 'The One.' "Even before the Vick dog-fighting scandal, I was fiercely protective of my offensive coordinator, Norm Chow. Now, I'm even more protective."

Instead of Vick, Young and the Titans will face Joey Harrington, who quarterbacked the Falcons to their first win, which happened to be over the Titans' division rival Houston. Harrington and Young couldn't be more different. When Young runs, it's with a purpose. When Harrington runs, it's simply a means of escape. Young will be with the Titans for years. Harrington has been with three teams in his seven-year career. Young has street credibility; Harrington has little or none, although he's a founding member of a "gang" called the "Baby Grands," whose idea of gang-banging is four guys playing one piano.

"The Bloods and the Crips might have a finger on the trigger," says Harrington, "but I've got a finger on a key and a foot on a pedal. Mad props to Liberace. Anyway, enough with the ghetto talk. I'm well-prepared for this contest, as Vince is too, I'm sure. The Titans have had two weeks to prepare for us, and Vince has slept in his own bed for two weeks."

Young and the Titans rush for 175 yards as a team, and Young passes for one score and rushes for another. Tennessee wins, 28-17.

Carolina @ New Orleans (-3)

After the Panthers rolled over to the Bucs, exposing their undersides in an act of submission, losing 20-7 at home, defensive lineman Kris Jenkins accused his teammates of having "no heart." After none of Jenkin's teammates came to their own defense, it was determined that Jenkin's statement was anatomically inaccurate, and the Panthers do, in fact, have heart, but don't have "balls."

"Hey, it's not often one of your own teammates provides you with bulletin board material," says Jake Delhomme, soaking his ailing elbow in a bucket of Bojangles chicken. "I have to beg to differ with what Kris says. I know for a fact that several members of this team have heart. If they're anything like me, they have heart. I've got most of their albums, from Dog and Butterfly to Bebe Le Strange. In fact, I'm listening to one of their songs right now. It's called 'Heartless.'"

Like the Panthers, one could accuse the Saints of lacking certain body parts, like a heart, or guts, or a spine. But those oddsmakers in Las Vegas must see something in the winless Saints, for New Orleans opened as a three-point favorite. If that doesn't raise the hackles of the 2-2 Panthers, what will, short of questioning their manhood, or asking for their dress sizes? The Panthers usually play well after losses. This year, they've started win-loss-win-loss. Football is a game of trends, and since the Saints have started loss-loss-loss, I look for both trends to continue. David Carr gets the start, shows he has a heart, and a brain, by recognizing that Steve Smith has had no touchdowns in the last two weeks. Carolina wins, 27-21.

Cleveland @ New England (-16 ½)

A lot of people had their doubts about Randy Moss in New England, particularly Mike Ditka, but it sure looks like Moss is a happy camper. After two more touchdown catches against the Bengals, Moss leads the league with seven scoring grabs, and Tom Brady is thrilled.

"And for a guy dating a Brazilian supermodel, being thrilled is saying something," says Brady. "Randy is a misunderstood guy. His attitude and work ethic has been impeccable. He's just one of the guys. There's a lot of things people don't know about this guy. For one, the Raiders obviously didn't know he still has madd skillz. And, I haven't seen Randy take off one play. Now, I don't want to say Randy's never sandbagged. He has, otherwise he wouldn't be here. But he's gone all out while a Patriot. Also, Randy's a heck of a cook. He's only been in Massachusetts for a few months and already he's put his variation on a regional favorite, New England clam chowder. His is called 'Randy Moss' Shazzam Chowder,' made with chit'lins instead of clam meat and flavored with pork rinds and bacon bits. It's delicious, if you don't mind eating pig viscera. I did have to remind Randy that 'shittake,' as in the mushroom, is a three-syllable word, not two."

After the NFL destroyed Bill Belichick's favorite video collection, he had to start a new one. Lately, he's been watching video of the Patriots' four wins this season, which have come by an average margin of 25 points.

"Do you think the NFL will confiscate those videos if I call them 'snuff films?'" asks Belichick. "Anyway, I don't think it will be hard to steal Romeo Crennel's signals. I think he's still using the same signs he used when he was our defensive coordinator."

Does Belichick seem like the type of man to take it easy on a former coach on his staff? Heck no. The man is all-out, full-bore, insanely competitive, and shows no mercy. He's even tried to outdo Brady by dating a super model, but the best he could do was RuPaul. Brady wins that one, and completes the usual 79% of his passes. Moss goes for two scores and the Pats defense dominates. New England wins, 34-13.

Detroit @ Washington (-3 ½)

The Lions set an NFL record, one they can be proud of, when they scored 34 points in the fourth quarter against the Bears last Sunday. Detroit entered the fourth quarter trailing 13-3, but exploded for 5 touchdowns to shock the Bears, 37-27.

"I think you can say that signifies a changing of the guard," says Jon Kitna, on pace to throw for 4,908 yards this year, well short of the 11,000 he predicted earlier this year. "This team is the laughing stock of the NFC North no more. If you guys still want a laugh, take a gander in our front office. Matt Millen is still there. But anyway, in the words of marginally-talented Detroit native Kid Rock, we're 'So Hott.' Detroit is the birthplace of soul, and this team has soul. Personally, I register on the soul meter somewhere between Mike Tirico and Colonel Harland Sanders. We plan on taking this team somewhere it hasn't been since 1991? That's the year the Lions last made it to the NFC Championship."

Yeah, isn't that the year they lost to the Redskins 45-0 in Washington?

"You got it, brother," replies Joe Gibbs, fondly recalling the preparation it took to devise a game plan to defeat the master strategy that Wayne Fontes had concocted. "I think I wrote that on a napkin, in crayon, in language a fifth-grader could understand."

The 2-1 Redskins have had an extra week to prepare for the Lions. Jon Kitna has had six days to rest his arm for the 42 passes he'll be throwing this Sunday. That's plenty of time. Lions win, 31-27.

Jacksonville @ Kansas City (+2 ½)

Chances are, when Jack Del Rio and Herman Edwards get together, there will be no talk of flea flickers, double reverses, or fake punts. With these two, it's strictly conservative, and the play-calling will be "close to the vest." Edwards likes to employ the "three yards and a cloud of charismatic Herman anecdotes" offense, while Del Rio's never met a 9-0 lead he couldn't milk for three quarters.

"Hey, I'm not ashamed that we butter out toast with running and defense," says Del Rio, no relation to Vanessa. "Those two things get us where we're going. I won't change that philosophy for anything, not even if that means the best we can hope for is a wild card berth and a first-round exit from the playoffs. When you put on a Jacksonville uniform, you agree to play under the terms and principles of a former linebacker who liked to physically pound the opposition, at least those I could catch. My guys like to hit. I know Herman and myself will engage in some friendly chatter before the game, then try to ram the ball down each others' throats during the game."

Arrowhead Stadium is usually not too kind to intruders, but the Jaguars are a pretty good road team. In Week 3, they went to Denver and pummeled the Broncos. AFC West teams are ripe for the picking right now. The division is a collective 7-9, and those seven wins have come against teams with a combined 8-20 record. The Jags load up the box and dare the Kansas City quarterback to beat them. The Kansas City quarterback, in turn, dares the Jacksonville defense to identify him by name. They can't, and he can't. David Garrard throws for one score and rushes for another. Jags win, 20-16.

Miami @ Houston (-5 ½)

Should the Dolphins feel bad that Daunte Culpepper torched them for 5 touchdowns, then taunted the crowd by pointing to his knee and flashing the "okay" sign?

"Hey, if Daunte wants to play charades, that's his prerogative," says Miami coach Cam Cameron. "He can do what he wants to do. It's his prerogative. It's the way that he wants to live. It's his prerogative. No one can tell him what to do."

Nice segue, Cam. You just quoted some Bobby Brown lyrics, probably unintentionally, and how can you mention Brown without then mentioning Whitney Houston, whose greatest love of all is crack? And 'crack' rhymes with 'track,' and the Texans are 'off track,' having lost two straight after starting the season 2-0. The Texans fell to the Falcons, who were previously winless, and now Houston must face another team looking for its first victory.

"Those doggone schedule makers didn't do us any favors," says a steamed Gary Kubiak. "Playing winless teams does nothing but diminish our strength of schedule, which may come in handy down the road as a tiebreaker for 13th place in the AFC. And losing to winless teams is even more of a detriment."

It's time for the Texans to decide whether they are pretenders or contenders. Beating Miami doesn't necessarily make you a contender, but losing to them definitely makes you a pretender. Matt Schaub throws for 205 yards and a score, and Trent Green throws a costly fourth quarter interception, then points to his head and gives the "not okay" sign. Houston wins, 27-20.

NY Jets @ NY Giants (-3)

The Giants sacked Donovan McNabb 12 times last Sunday night in their 16-3 win over the Eagles. Osi Umenyiora recorded six of those, a franchise record, while Mathias Kiwanuka had three, Justin Tuck two, and Michael Strahan one. The Giants tied the NFL record held by five other teams.

"We were so close to that record," said Strahan. "If Brett Favre would have been here, I guarantee we'd have that record. And if I were a Minnesota cornerback, I guarantee I'd have let Brett get 421 easier than he did."

The Giants will face the Jets, who, at their current rate, will have their 12th sack sometime around Week 5, next year. The Jets' inability to pressure the quarterback and create turnovers has Eric Mangini in a tizzy about how to intensify the Jets' pass rush.

"If we could bottle the harassment ability of Knicks coach Isiah Thomas," says Mangini, "and douse our defense with it, then maybe we could get some pressure. Then again, that may just make our defense harass the Giants offensive line with unwanted hugs and suggestive language. But hey, if that results in a sack, I'm all for it."

The bottom line is this: Chad Pennington won't have time to pass against the Giants rush, and he surely can't run from it. Eli Manning will have all day to find an open receiver, and if Manning has time, he'll find one. Manning and Plaxico Burress hook up for 123 yards and a score, and Pennington tastes the Giants Stadium five times, then remarks at how much it reminds him of the Jets' home field. Giants win, 29-19.

Seattle @ Pittsburgh (-6)

The Steelers fell from the ranks of the unbeaten, losing 21-14 in Arizona as the Cards shut down the Pittsburgh running game. Previously categorized with the Patriots and Colts in the AFC's top tier, the Steelers now must regroup and deal with their status in the lower tier of AFC teams, along with thirteen other teams.

"Look, I'm not going to panic over one loss," says Mike Tomlin. "It's my first loss, and that one loss puts me well ahead of Chuck Noll and Bill Cowher on the all-time list of fewest losses among all Steeler coaches. It's simple: we have to play our game to win. If we rush for only 77 yards, throw two interceptions, and give up a punt return touchdown, we'll lose every time. Maybe the Cardinals did expose a chink in our armor, but no team is bulletproof."

But for Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander's bumbling idiot routine in Week 2's loss to the Cardinals, the Seahawks could be one of the NFL's remaining undefeated teams. Instead, they're 3-1, on top of the NFC West, and ready to make a statement for the NFC.

"I have a prepared statement on behalf of the NFC," says Hasselbeck. "This is addressed to all AFC teams, and New England and Indianapolis in particular, and details the conditions and terms of NFC surrender in the Super Bowl. The Dallas Cowboys have chosen to secede from their NFC affiliation and go it alone."

Both the Steelers and Seahawks play a similar style of football in which they would ideally like to take a 7- to 10-point lead, then run the ball 33 times for a 3.2 yard average. But don't expect either team to jump to much of a lead. The 'Hawks are coming off a big division win on the road, while the Steelers return to the cozy confines of Heinz Field, where Terrible Towels can be waved like a pom-pom, or loaded with a roll of quarters for a knockout blow to an obnoxious drunk. This one stays close, but the Steelers prevail on a Jeff Reed field goal. Pittsburgh wins, 19-17.

Tampa Bay @ Indianapolis (-10)

Tony Dungy and John Gruden each have Super Bowl rings, but their similarities don't end there.

"Yeah, we also have this in common," says Dungy. "Gruden won a Super Bowl with my players, too."

You're right, Tony. But at least Gruden knew that you can't win a Super Bowl with Shaun King at quarterback.

"And Tony knew that he couldn't win a Super Bowl without Peyton Manning," says Gruden. "Any coach would be lucky to coach Manning. He is such a student of the game. I can picture Manning in elementary school, wearing a schoolboy outfit somewhere between that of Eddie Munster and that of Angus Young, calling out the answers to questions before the teacher even asks them. He's that good."

Injuries took their toll on both teams last week. For the Colts, Marvin Harrison, Bob Sanders, and Joseph Addai were all banged up, and linebacker Rob Morris was lost for the year. For the Bucs, Cadillac Williams and offensive lineman Luke Pettigout were both lost for the year due to knee injuries. The Bucs defense may be able to somewhat contain Manning and the Colts, but how many bootlegs can Jeff Garcia run against the fast Indy defense before they figure it out? Seven? Eight? Who knows? And who cares? Adam Vinatieri kicks three field goals, and the Colts win, 26-17. Gruden lets slip the last of 287 "F-bombs" uttered during the game, and faces a humiliating admonishment from Dungy after the game at midfield.

Baltimore @ San Francisco (+3 ½)

As defensive coordinator in Baltimore before his hire as the 49ers coach, Mike Nolan probably knows exactly what the Ravens' defense plans to do on Sunday against San Francisco. That's the easy part. The hard part is: what is he going to do about it?

"Look, I've coached circles around Brian Billick while I was working for him," says Nolan. "Why shouldn't I be able to do it now? We'll have to attack the Ravens with our biggest strength."

What's that? The fact that the 49ers have five Super Bowls to the Ravens one?

"No," replies Nolan. "Our running game is our strength, even though the numbers don't show that. We have to run the ball against the Ravens. That's why you can expect at least 20 carries for Frank (How Do You Like It? How Do You Like It?) Gore (Gore! Gore!) and a conservative game from Trent Dilfer, who's in for Alex Smith. Trent knows the Ravens defense very well. He's the QB who lead the Ravens Super Bowl-winning team's offense to a number of drives that either went nowhere or resulted in a field goal. We're hoping Trent can lead us to six or seven field goals."

Baltimore is stinging from last week's loss to the Browns, which left them 2-2 and 0-2 against AFC North teams. It's a must win situation, and the gangsters that comprise the rough and tumble Ravens have no other option but to declare "G-had" on the 49ers.

Baltimore wins,, 20-9.

San Diego @ Denver (-1)

After jumping on the Colts 10-0 last week, the Broncos were outscored 38-10 the rest of the way, even surrendering the dreaded "Peyton Manning one-yard touchdown run." The loss taught Denver a hard lesson: if they're not tied or trailing by less than three points with Jason Elam setting up for a field goal with less than four seconds remaining, then they have no chance to win. Even so, the Broncos are still tied for first in the AFC West with the Chiefs and Raiders, with the Chargers bringing up the rear.

"Obviously, our red zone percentage leaves a lot to be desired," says Mike Shanahan. "Obviously, teams are daring us to throw the ball in the red zone. And with Javon Walker hurt, who are we going to throw it to? Rick Upchurch? Haven Moses? One of the Three Amigos?"

San Diego fell to the Chiefs in San Diego 30-16 to drop to 1-3, and the screams for Norv Turner's and/or general manager A.J. Smith's heads have intensified, while Marty Schottenheimer is enjoying a smug sense of satisfaction, much like the one coaches feel when they win a playoff game. So, it's a new feeling for Schottenheimer. Unlike the loud chants of "We want Marty!" that reverberate from the voices of San Diego fans across the land, players have remained respectful of Turner, but scream silently for their old coach. Luckily, fans and players alike have an unlikely ally in the Beastie Boys, who urge all concerned parties that "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (to Marty)."

"That's good to know," says LaDainian Tomlinson. "And so is this: there is a posse in effect to find A.J. Smith and bring him to justice."

It's simple for the Chargers. Lose, and you're 1-4. Win, and you could be a half-game out of the AFC West lead by Sunday evening. I suggest you give the ball to Tomlinson and ride the lightning. Otherwise, it's fade to black. San Diego wins, 21-20.

Chicago @ Green Bay (-3)

Brett Favre's 16-yard touchdown pass to Greg Jennings in the first quarter gave Favre the NFL record for touchdown passes, breaking Dan Marino's number of 421. Then, just in case Marino decides to come out of retirement to quarterback the Bears, Dolphins, or Panthers, Favre tossed number 422.

"So let it be written; so let it be done," says Favre proudly. "But I couldn't have done it without all these guys, an amazing collection of talent. This offense is gelling, and the defense is young and hungry. It smells like team spirit around here."

In their 37-27 loss to Detroit, the Bears found out that applying Griese to their offense does not necessarily make it a well-oiled machine. Brian Griese, who got the start over Rex Grossman, threw 3 interceptions as the Bears fell to 1-3.

"Three interceptions?" says Lovie Smith. "Well, I guess that entitles Brian to remain the starter, according to the 'Lovie Rules,' my new book. Plus, check out my new reality show on VH1 called The Flavor of Lovie. This is do or die for us. Since the Packers can't run the ball, that leaves us only one option: blitz the daylights out of Favre, and pray for a record-setting day from Devin Hester."

Lovie's right. Green Bay does have trouble running, but Favre has no trouble running to congratulate his receivers after touchdown catches. And the Bear defensive backfield is still an injured lot. Hester's magic keeps the Bears close, but Favre engineers a late drive for the winning score. Packers win, 29-21.

Dallas @ Buffalo (+10)

Dallas has always been a thorn in the side of Buffalo. Of course, there's the two Super Bowl blowouts, but there's also the 1999 Stanley Cup, in which Brett Hull scored the Cup-winning goal with his skate planted firmly in the crease as the Stars beat the Sabres in six.

"We owe the city of Dallas for a lifetime of hurt," says Bills running back Marshawn Lynch. "Not only for the Super Bowls and the Stanley Cup, but for the time when Charlie waters smoked O.J. Simpson on a 10-speed bike to win the 1975 Superstars title. It's Monday night, we're at home, and we're pumped up. We'll be ready to play, with the bitter taste of revenge in our mouths. Now, where's my helmet?"

Tony Romo continues to play like a quarterback seeking a $30 million guaranteed contract. After three passing scores and a rushing touchdown against St. Louis, Romo now has 13 total touchdowns on the year.

"I'm really relaxed out there," says Romo. "I'm letting it all hang out. Without the tremendous burden of having to field a snap from center, place one end of the ball on the turf and my index finger on the other end, and turn the ball so the laces face away from our kicker, I'm free to do what I do best: quarterback. And flash my cute grin whenever possible. Of course I deserve a giant contract extension. I look, I feel, I smell like money."

Terrell Owens watched Randy Moss dominate last Monday against the Bengals. T.O. didn't have a touchdown catch last week, so expect T.O. to demand the ball. And Romo keeps everybody happy. Dallas wins, 31-17.

Last week: 7-7 (straight up); 8-6 (against the spread)
Overall: 36-26 (straight up); 26-31-5 (against the spread)