Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Chicago @ Washington (-3)
Is it me, or is it suddenly not that big of a deal if you don't have the NFL Network? After last Thursday's huge contest between the Packers and Cowboys, both 10-1 at the time, this Thursday's game pitting the 5-7 Bears at the 5-7 Redskins seems quite anticlimactic, much unlike the dramatic conclusion of Thursday's Crime Scene Investigation, viewable on CBS by anyone with a 1972 Sylvania and rabbit-ears. And, for those lucky few of you with the NFL Network, you can easily flip over to CSI after a scoreless first quarter in Washington.
"Gil Grissom always makes the right calls," said Joe Gibbs in a post-game press conference after last Sunday's 17-16 loss to the Bills, "in the lab and in the field, even when he's hooking up with a subordinate. I'm sure he's even aware that calling back-to-back timeouts results in a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty. If icing a kicker means giving him a 15-yard shorter field goal, then I'm guilty. Thanks, Mike Shanahan, for giving impressionable old men like me the idea that the timeout ploy works. It doesn't. I feel terrible. If I were Charles Barkley, I'd feel 'turble.' And I'd have the worst golf swing in the history of mankind. I take full responsibility for the loss. I'm inconsolable. Not even a phone call from fellow timeout blunderer Chris Webber could make me feel better. Now, I'd like to open up the floor to questions, but I absolutely refuse to answer any concerning Coors Light."
Like the Redskins, Chicago suffered a playoff hope-damaging home defeat, surrendering 14 points to the Giants in the fourth quarter to lose, 21-16. It was an strange game for the Bears, as Rex Grossman had no turnovers and Devin Hester had no touchdowns.
"We usually get one or the other," says Lovie Smith, "often in bunches. It's not often our defense creates more turnovers than Rex and we still lose. But what can we do about that? And it's not often that Devin has less than 50 return yards. That's a result of teams showing their cowardice and not kicking to him. But if we allow enough touchdowns, the opposition will have to kick to him. We want to get the most out of Devin while he's at his peak. The last thing we want is for him to get bored, retire, and chase a childhood dream of playing minor league baseball, badly, I might add."
If you do have the NFL Network and want to add a little excitement to an otherwise meaningless game, then play the NFL Network drinking game. The rules are simple: every time Bryant Gumbel flubs a call, you must drink one swallow. If Chris Collinsworth actually corrects Gumbel, then you must drink an entire six pack. Cheers!
Chicago wins, 23-21.
Carolina @ Jacksonville (-10½)
Carolina snapped a five-game losing streak and improved to 5-7 with a 31-17 win over the 49ers. John Fox avoided a "false start" penalty and started Vinny Testaverde instead of David Carr, and Fox generally made the right calls, guiding the Panthers to their first home win in over a year.
"Hey, in a season like this," says Fox, "it's not much of a milestone, but we'll take it. Now, it's on to our next milestone: achieving mathematical elimination from the playoffs. I'm no mathematician, but I know our magic number can be no more than two. And my magic number as a coach can't be more than four. And David Carr's magic number is 86. And speaking of magic numbers, this one is less than 70 and greater than 68, and our cheerleaders have an affinity for doing it in bathroom stalls in the state of Florida. It's that kind of blanket coverage that we're looking for from our secondary. I don't know what it is about this organization, but every major occurrence takes place in a very small space. If it's not a bathroom stall, it's a car trunk. If it's not a car trunk, it's inside of David Carr's head."
Jacksonville's already strong defensive unit will receive a boost with the return of defensive tackle Marcus Stroud, back after serving a four-game suspension. It's a particular blessing to the Jaguar defensive front, which hopes to record more than the one sack they registered against Peyton Manning.
"Manning's not known for his speed," says Stroud, "unless he's racing Vinny Testaverde. Vinny runs the 100-meter dash and needs a support vehicle. His seven-step drop is slower than some 12-step programs. In his defense, Vinny's a very smart quarterback, which is a trait that's attributable to his age. This guy's seen it all: stone, bronze, ice, all the ages. It will take some getting used to, but I guess I'll be respectful and say 'sir' before I sack him."
Jacksonville knows they have to stop only one player — Steve Smith. Against Carolina, you can triple-team him and still have safety help. Jaguars win, 30-13.
Dallas @ Detroit (+10½)
With their NFC superiority firmly established and a long, 10-day rest under their belts, the Cowboys are loose and re-energized, a direct reflection of the personality of their quarterback, Tony Romo, who's destined for the Cowboy Hall of Fame, or, at the very least, earning a moderate wage on the autograph circuit when his playing days are done. Now, the Cowboys head to Ford Field to take on the sputtering Lions, who will be without star wideout Roy Williams.
"Well, it looks like Jon Kitna's 10-win guarantee is likely to come true," says Romo, who spent the Thanksgiving weekend with the family of his dimwitted starlet of a girlfriend, Jessica Simpson. "Detroit's opponents will probably win 10 games this year. Kitna's preseason guarantee is looking rather foolish. But it's still not as foolish as charging $100,000 for a seat license in our $1 billion stadium in Arlington. Who pays that much for the right to buy a seat? I know Michael Irvin once paid $100,000 for a seat license, but he got to keep her for eight hours."
The Lions have gone from sitting pretty four weeks ago, when they were 6-2, to sitting ducks, after their fourth-straight loss to fall to 6-6.
"No need to fret," says Rod Marinelli. "We're bowl eligible, and we're set to host the Motor City Bowl, likely against a lower-tier bowl qualifier, against whom we should be favored. Things are looking great for us. But the news gets even better. Matt Millen's been invited on a bird-hunting trip with Dick Cheney and Bobby Knight, and he's been instructed to wear feathers."
Dallas wins, 34-14.
Miami @ Buffalo (-7)
At 6-6, the Bills are on the cusp on the playoff race, one game behind the frontrunners for that final spot, the Titans and the Browns. Buffalo will likely need to win all of their remaining four games, and even then may need some help from the opponents of Tennessee and Cleveland.
"The hardest part may not be actually winning those four games," says Dick Jauron, "but convincing my players they can win those last four. But my guys are a pretty gullible bunch, just like jurors in an O.J. Simpson trial. However, I think it will take more than just a pair of black leather gloves to convince my guys that they can do this."
For the 0-12 Dolphins, their destiny as the only 0-16 team in NFL history is fast approaching, as is a Week 16 matchup that's likely to pit the 0-14 Dolphins against the 14-0 Patriots (assuming both teams reach those points). That game would draw comparisons to Miami's 1985 upset win over the Bears, which ended Chicago's bid for an undefeated season.
"We're prepped for a breakthrough," says Cam Cameron, who, by comparison, would be about 0-121 were he a Major League Baseball manager. "Oh, I'm not talking about winning a game. Scientists are on the verge of a breakthrough — to fuel automobiles with suckiness. We've been selected as official provider of fuel. Plus, we've received some noble words of encouragement from members of the 1976 Buccaneers. Not encouragement to win, mind you, but to continue losing."
Bills win, 23-7.
NY Giants @ Philadelphia (-2½)
What do the Giants and Eagles have in common? Inconsistent quarterback play. How do they differ? The Giants get there inconsistent quarterback play from a single source, Eli Manning, while the Eagles get it from two, Donovan McNabb and A.J. Feeley.
"Some have questioned whether Eli has the necessary mentality to succeed under the scrutiny of the cavalcade of New York media and fans," says Tom Coughlin. "I'm here to say, definitively, that he might. The naked city never closes it eyes. It's like a jungle out there. Sometimes I wonder how he keeps from going under. The words of Grandmaster Flash and Kurtis Blow are always prophetic, and dope. It's tough being the brother of Peyton Manning. Critics question Eli's football smarts and decision-making ability under pressure. Well, they must understand that Eli has been compared all his life to Peyton, who is probably the smartest quarterback and best decision-maker under pressure of all time. I'm not saying Eli is dumb, but the is a large discrepancy between Peyton's intelligence and that of Eli, probably equal to that of Charlie and Raymond Babbitt from Rain Man."
After last week's Feeley mistake-fest, in which he threw three interceptions to Seahawks linebacker Lofa Tatupu, normally composed Eagle head coach Andy Reid is miffed, and ready to bust a move, preferably to a quarterback that doesn't get hurt every week or throw costly interceptions.
"Don't push me, 'cause I'm close to the edge," says Reid. "I'm trying not to lose my head. And Phat Farm is not just my clothier, it's a destination. Anyway, I'd like to send a message to whomever may be starting at quarterback for us this Sunday: it's called survival. Either play well, or you'll end up on the street, with the pimps, the pushers, the sharks, and vultures. Now, I know McNabb's capable of growing an afro and fitting in on the street, but Feeley's well-equipped to push a shopping cart full of aluminum cans, as long as there's not a linebacker of Samoan descent competing for those same cans."
Giants win, 21-20.
Oakland @ Green Bay (-10)
Despite injuries to his right elbow and left shoulder that knocked him out of last week's game at Dallas, Brett Favre will make his 250th consecutive start on Sunday against the Raiders. It's just another in a long list of heroic efforts in the career of the Packer great, who deals with pain like mortal men deal with blinking their eyes — involuntarily.
"I wouldn't miss a game against the Raiders for anything," says Favre, whose acting is so bad he failed a screen test to play himself in the sequel to There's Something About Mary, tentatively titled Beans and (Bubba) Franks (the Packer tight end got the part). "Green Bay and Oakland have a long tradition of tough-as-nails players and chubby, Super Bowl-winning coaches who have shrines dedicated to me. I'm just tickled to be a part of that tradition. I don't consider myself a hero, although I do play one in the Japanese sci-fi flick Brett Favre Versus Lester Hayes. In that picture, I vanquish Hayes with my fiery tobacco spit, which I launch from my mouth with supersonic speed before he can neutralize me with his radioactive stickum, which he secrets from a gland in his jeri-curled hair. As for winning Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year, I'm flattered to the point of ambivalence. I hope they send me a free copy, because I damn sure can't afford a subscription."
Raiders owner Al Davis is not a fan of the late-fall weather in Green Bay, but that won't stop him from making the trip to Lambeau.
"This may be my last chance to see Brett Favre play," says Davis, "so I'm not going to let something like the weather keep me from doing what I want to do. Heck, I don't even let things like garlic and crucifixes keep me from roaming the night air in search of the secrets to my prolonged vitality: prune juice, jet-black hair dye, and leather Raiders jackets. Obviously, Favre has found secrets of his own to maintain his health. I haven't seen that much of a pain threshold since Cactus Jack and Terry Funk engaged in a 'Bed of Nails' match, which just happened to be the entertainment at my 70th birthday bash. Or so they tell me. Anyway, I'm looking for my Raiders to throw a kink into the Packers' plans for an easy win."
It won't happen, Count. Favre throws for two scores, and Charles Woodson sacks Josh McCown, forcing a fumble. Woodson picks up the fumble, quickly checks around to make sure the NFL hasn't suddenly invented some crazy new variation of the 'tuck rule,' and takes off for the end zone, where he flashes the 'Heisman pose' after scoring. Green Bay wins, 31-17.
Pittsburgh @ New England (-13)
After two tough, hard-fought wins, have the Patriots been suitably softened up for an upset? New England has won their last two games by three points each, sending their margin of victory average plummeting.
"We like keeping the fans excited," says Tom Brady, who's taken more hits in the last two weeks than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown did on their honeymoon. "And I like keeping the 1972 Dolphins on the edges of their seats, but just close enough that they don't fall out and break a hip. It was mighty gracious of Don Shula to visit the booth and say that he would gladly call Coach Belichick if we were to break the 1972 Dolphins' record. Hey, I'm no fool. I know phones have an asterisk button. Hey Shula, Belichick's got two words for you: '**** ***!' And I've got two words for the Baltimore Ravens: 'yeah, boy!' You really think the NFL is doing us favors with favorable officiating? On the contrary. They made us play three straight night games. Everybody knows artificial lighting makes it harder to film coaches' signals. So all you conspiracy theorists cool your jets. There is no conspiracy. Incidentally, Oliver Stone is directing our 2007 highlight reel."
The Steelers welcome the opportunity to ruin New England's quest for the perfect season, and they also welcome the chance to play on solid footing. After two games on the sloppy and saturated Heinz Field turf, the Steelers and their blitz-from-anywhere defense will look to slow the Patriot offense at Gillette Stadium.
"I've seen better playing conditions at Woodstock '69 in the rain," says defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau. "And I know. I was there. Guitar tech and roadie for Jimi Hendrix. He didn't burn guitars for the spectacle; they sounded like crap. I didn't know the whammy bar from the cash bar. Jimi kept me around though, mostly because I designed the defenses that kept us undefeated in pickup football games on tour. Santana's band couldn't touch us, but Mama Cass was a one-lady wrecking crew on the Mamas and the Papas' offensive line. But she was susceptible to the 'swim' move, and sandwiches."
This would appear to be the last legitimate shot for a team to beat the Patriots. Let's face it. If the Pats are still undefeated against the Giants in the season's final week, there's no way they'll lose to the G-Men. The Steelers have been gearing up for this game for weeks. Hmmm. Do you think Troy Polamalu could have played against the Dolphins or Bengals? Of course he could, but why waste him? Now, he'll be ready to go in Pittsburgh's biggest game of the year. Will he be a factor? You bet. Brady best not take his eyes off of Polamalu, lest he lose his chance to secure a lock of the wild Samoan's immense head of hair, which he plans to present to Giselle Bundchen, who has always been envious of Polamalu's body.
Patriots win, 28-20.
San Diego @ Tennessee (Pick 'em)
The Chargers could very well be facing a Tennessee squad that they'll see again in the playoffs, assuming Tennessee can capture the second wild card spot. That's also assuming the Chargers can maintain their lead in the AFC West and take the division crown. Of course, those are two fairly large assumptions.
"Hey, that's exactly the same line I used to pick up my wife," says Jeff Fisher. "A slap in the face and 18 months later, we were married. But enough about monstrous assumptions with perky insinuations. There's the old cliche about assuming: when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. Whomever said that first should be shot, but I sure would like their residuals on tacky poster and refrigerator magnet sales."
Like the Titans, the Chargers like their running game to dictate their offensive flow. If LaDainian Tomlinson finds room to run, then the pressure falls off of quarterback Philip Rivers to make things happen. If LenDale White and Chris Brown can find success against the Chargers' defense, then Vince Young doesn't have to waste his time dropping back to pass, and, upon finding no open receivers, taking off on a scramble and making idiotic defenders bite on pump fakes that take place five yards past the line of scrimmage.
"I love seeing guys fall for that," says Norv Turner, "almost as much as I love seeing Brian Bosworth chasing Bo Jackson. Anyway, we're certainly concerned about the Titans rushing capabilities. And Young is much more dangerous on the loose out of the pocket with a ball in his hand than he is confined to a desk with a No. 2 pencil. But we're more concerned with the Titans rushing defense now that Albert Haynesworth has returned to the lineup. Anytime Haynesworth steps onto the field, you got to be aware of him, especially if you're lying face-up on the ground, helmetless."
Sounds like you're afraid of him, Norv. I would be, too. You can't go through him. You definitely don't want to go under him. Just go around him. Avoid him altogether.
Tomlinson's yardage is limited, but he does score on a short run, and Nate Kaeding kicks two field goals. Chargers win, 20-17.
St. Louis @ Cincinnati (-6½)
What happens when two of the NFL's worst scoring defenses hook up for a battle in Cincinnati's Paul Brown Stadium?
"Besides Pete Rose taking the 'over?'" says Scott Linehan, whose Rams have won three of their last four, which is impressive, except when preceded by an eight-game losing streak. "You know, they called Paul Brown 'the father of the modern offense.' I think he'd be amazed if he could see the advances offenses have made since his time. He'd also be amazed at the job offers he'd likely receive. I'm not sure if there's a 'father of the modern defense,' but I'm sure if he were alive today, he'd soon be dead when once he saw the Bengals and Rams defenses play."
One thing's for sure: neither of these two offenses will be idling like a drunk Tony LaRussa at a stoplight.
Bengals win, 33-30.
Tampa Bay @ Houston (+3)
The Bucs practically sealed the NFC South title with a 27-23 win over the Saints when Luke McCown hit Jerammy Stevens with a four-yard touchdown pass with four seconds left. The win gave Tampa a three-game lead in the division with four games to go. In the South, that's a lead comparable to Secretariat's 31-length margin of victory in the 1973 Belmont Stakes, the result of the other four horses in the race pitting while Secretariat stayed out.
"Hey, guess what Secretariat and I have in common?" asks John Gruden. "We both wear jockeys. And, we've both been ridden by Ron Turcotte. But, in my defense, that was the result of a Super Bowl celebration gone terribly wrong. I could have done without the riding crop, although I guess when wearing a saddle, you have to expect it. It left me hollering 'yay' and 'neigh.'"
The Bucs will face the Texans minus starting quarterback Matt Schaub, who separated his left shoulder early in Houston's loss to the Titans last week. Key injuries have undermined Gary Kubiak's attempts to make the Texans a challenger in the tough AFC South. Schaub is questionable, which means if the Texans are to beat Tampa, they'll have to do it under the direction of backup quarterback Sage Rosenfels.
"Hey, for the last time," pleads Kubiak, "I'm not Dom Capers. I've made good decisions for this team. Now people are beginning to understand why we passed on Reggie Bush. And, it was my idea to unload David Carr. Now, we have a large cast of unknowns playing for us, so fans have a hard time recognizing some of our players. I can't tell you the number of times my players have identified themselves as 'Texans' to people on the street, only to have those people reply 'So am I.' If I could change our nickname, I would. Maybe to something a little more specific, like the 'Houston Houstonians.'"
Tampa wins, 26-17.
Arizona @ Seattle (-7)
Revenge will be on the mind of the Seahawks on Sunday. Their only NFC West loss this year came at the hands of the Cardinals in Week 2. In that game, Matt Leinart passed for 299 yards and Neil Rackers kicked the game-winner, giving Arizona a 23-20 win. Should Seattle fail in their bid for vengeance, the race in the West tightens considerably, as the Cardinals would then trail Seattle by one game, and would hold the tiebreaker advantage.
"You've really got to hand it to Kurt Warner," says Hasselbeck. "After Leinart went down, Warner stepped right in and resurrected himself as a legitimate, big-time veteran quarterback. Warner's rise to stardom, from a simple grocer to Super Bowl champion, reminds me a lot of the life of Jesus Christ, who was a carpenter before steadily working his way up to a Pro Bowl-caliber saviour. Warner is an inspiration to everyone, especially to me and others like me, more talented quarterbacks who have never won a Super Bowl."
Warner may be without his two big wide receivers, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, both of whom are nursing leg injuries. And, with oft-injured running back Shaun (of the Dead) Alexander back from the dead, coupled with Maurice Morris, the Seahawks have an efficient, if not spectacular, ground game.
The Seahawks defend their turf and clinch the NFC West title with a 28-20 win.
Minnesota @ San Francisco (+7)
It's clear, that on one leg or two, Minnesota's Adrian Peterson is the best running back in the NFL. So good, in fact, that the Chicago Bears named one of their own running backs after the Vikings star. So, San Francisco's Frank Gore, from "da U," will experience first hand the power and speed of Peterson, and will reluctantly face the "da inconvenient truth," that Peterson is the future of the NFL.
"Sometimes I amaze even myself," says Peterson. "As you may have heard, I developed my skills and speed running from rabid possums and East Coast college recruiters in my formative years in Palestine, Texas. And I sometimes had to navigate the occasional Holy War between the native Palestinians and the Israelites. I got plunked with a few stones, but I survived. Now, I get to use those skills on the 49ers. You know, if you gave Brad Childress a pick, and old hat, and a mining pan, plus knocked a few of his teeth out, he'd look like a gold rusher. And if you gave him a helmet and some pads, plus a quick glance at the playbook, he could play quarterback for San Francisco."
Do you get the feeling this could be one of those games in which the Vikes hold the 49ers to negative rushing yards, or something in the single digits? Then, realizing they can't run the ball, the 49ers take to the air and throw three or four interceptions, a couple of which are returned for touchdowns. Meanwhile, Peterson and Chester Taylor are piling up the yards, and Peterson is dropping moves on the field that leaves the 49er defenders grasping for air. Minnesota could be that late qualifier for the playoffs that no one wants to play.
Vikings win, 30-13.
Cleveland @ NY Jets (+3½)
Rest assured the NFL's competition committee will by reviewing the league's "force out" rule this offseason, probably at the behest of Cleveland coach Romeo Crenel. Trailing the Cardinals 27-21 last week in Glendale with time expiring, Derek Anderson found Kellen Winslow with a long pass in the front corner of the end zone. Winslow made the catch, but was clearly forced out of bounds. The official on duty called Winslow 'out,' and Arizona held on.
"To err is human," says Crenel. "To forgive is not in my vocabulary. Dost thou revel in my agony, you foolish zebra? As well, you taunt my receiver with your wicked chants of 'Soldier boy! Soldier boy!'"
In an official statement from the NFL, a league spokesman said Crenel "doth protest too much" and advised him to "get thee to a nunnery."
The Jets 40-13 drubbing of the winless Dolphins was a bright spot in a season of dark. Two of New York's wins have come against Miami, and Eric Mangini is still mystified how a playoff team from 2006 could fall so far. Mystified to the point of anger.
"If you only knew how often I've wanted to use my Motorola Razr as a weapon," says Mangini. "There have been several occasions this year that I've wanted to emasculate Chad Pennington, but I realized they were just empty threats. Not that I couldn't do it, but that it was anatomically impossible to do so."
The Browns are only 3½-point favorites? Cleveland can't get respect anywhere, not even in the corner of the end zone. Maybe that's because they have the worst defense in the NFL. And that defense will cost them dearly. Not this week, but in the race for that final wild card spot, or against the No. 3 seed when the playoffs begin.
Browns win, 26-20.
Kansas City @ Denver (-6 ½)
Okay, Mike Shanahan. What do you want first, the good news or the bad news?
"Well, before I make a decision, I think I'll call a meaningless timeout, and force you to think about it," says the Bronco head coach, whose blood runs Denver orange, which also happens to be his skin tone.
Wait a minute, coach. You're the one with the decision to make. Not me.
"See, I've rattled you already. And I thought only Sebastian Janikowski fell for that trick. Okay, give me the good news."
Travis Henry won his appeal with the NFL and won't face a drug suspension.
"Yeah, I heard," replies Shanahan. "It couldn't have come at a better time. The new crop is in. And Travis is hosting a harvest festival under the fluorescent lights in his 8,000-square foot basement. So, the bad news?"
John Elway has no plans to come out of retirement. Shanny? You okay? Shanny, are you okay? Are you okay, Shanny? Shanny, are you okay? Are you okay, Shanny?
Like Shanahan, Herman Edwards has been frustrated by inconsistent quarterback play. In last Sunday's loss to the Chargers, Edwards had to call on third-stringer Tyler Thigpen to clean up after starter Damon Huard was hurt late in the game.
"It was a tough situation for Thigpen to be in," says Edwards, "but I liked the way he handled himself, despite what the statistics say. And I especially like the way a cloud of dust follows him wherever he goes. That's Herman Edwards football right there. And this is Herman Edwards truthfulness right here: I still can't say for sure whether Larry Johnson's ankle injury is season-ending or much less severe. For some reason, I think it somehow gives us an advantage when I don't give straight answers."
Here's a straight answer: both these teams suck. Denver's given up more points than every team except for Cleveland. Kansas City has scored fewer than all but two teams.
Broncos win, 22-17.
Indianapolis @ Baltimore (-9½)
Peyton Manning relishes a challenge. Whether that's identifying a coverage on third and eight with the shot clock dwindling and a safety showing blitz, then changing the play to find Dallas Clark for a 14-yard gain, or ad-libbing a clever line to make that Gatorade commercial just a tad funnier, then Manning is golden.
"Is picking apart the Raven secondary more satisfying than using my face and my perfect comic timing to lure naive consumers into purchases based solely on a subliminal need to be like me?" asks Manning. "I'd say it's about equal, although getting Ed Reed to bite on purchasing an overpriced Sony HD flat-screen monitor with the 18-year service plan was quite pleasing. Sucker. But the highlight of my career so far has been producing such a high number of ads that I've obviously influenced the normally reclusive Joe Montana into doing spots for the NFL Network. I'm sure he was heavily compensated. Any player who demanded cash to appear along with all the living Super Bowl MVPs would obviously demand high dollar to appear as a cook in the ad."
The Ravens gave the Patriots a serious scare on Monday, losing 27-24 on Tom Brady's touchdown pass to Jabar Gaffney with under a minute remaining. Baltimore's defense had Brady's quarterback sneak stopped on fourth down, but, in yet another instance of irresponsible time out calling, defensive coordinator Rex Ryan had signaled for a time out well before Brady's sneak. Apparently, Ryan called the timeout because, after extensive and exhaustive study of the Patriot offense, he recognized that, in similar situations, New England likes to call the sneak. So, to ensure that his defense knew what was coming, he called the time out to inform them. But it looked like they already knew what was coming. Players study film, too, you know.
Not surprisingly, the Ravens' defenders were irate, as were most of the fans in attendance, which included Rex's father Buddy, who later took a swing at his son. Linebacker Bart Scott was especially peeved, picking up two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties, one for tossing an official's yellow flag into the stands. Yellow is also the color of the receipt he gets to keep as proof that he paid the fine that is soon to be levied. It all amounts to the look of resignation you saw on Brian Billick's face after the game. All he needs to do now is sign his resignation, and if he wants to hum the theme to The Fall Guy while he does it, then more power to him.
Colts win, 24-13.
New Orleans @ Atlanta (+5)
Who's that chubby man dressed in red and black with a sack full of goodies for Falcons coach Bobby Petrino? No, it's not Santa Claus with a bag of gifts. Why, I think that's Grady Jackson in his old Atlanta uniform, ready to deliver holiday blessings to Petrino with a few swings of his pillow case full of oranges. And speaking of orange, Michael Vick was in his bright orange holiday best when he donated $1 million to the care of pit bulls confiscated on his property. Now that's the Christmas spirit.
"Unlike Santa Claus," says DeAngelo Hall, "Reggie Bush will never reach the iconic status of the greatest gift-giver the world has ever known. But Reggie's got gifts aplenty, and it's things that kids really want, like rent money, and bad tosses to wide receivers on reverses."
The Saints probably blew any chance of the playoffs with last week's loss to the Bucs. The Falcons are playing for next year, and a tasty selection in the April draft.
New Orleans win, 24-20.
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