NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 15

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Denver @ Houston (-2)

It's playoff elimination time again on the NFL Network, as the 6-7 Texans host the 6-7 Broncos, or, as Bryant Gumbel will call them, the "6-17 Oilers and the 7-6 Bingos." The loser of this contest is eliminated at that very moment, while the winner faces elimination in three days when a winner emerges in the battle between legitimate playoff contenders, the 7-6 Bills and 8-5 Browns.

"I guess all we can do is to win our game and hope for a tie in the Bills/Browns game," says the high-strung sociopath Mike Shanahan, who plans his day down to the very minute, on both MST (Mountain Standard Time) and EST. (Elway Standard Time). "I guess that's more likely than the NFL Network pairing Chris Collinsworth with a competent announcer. It must be unnerving for Collinsworth to give analysis while Gumbel stands there in a robotic daze, with very little to add that is factually correct and/or interesting. It would appear that Gumbel is an idiot. And, it would appear that Collinsworth could benefit from a more dynamic play-by-play man, like Don Criqui, Pat Summerall, or someone in the Caray family. And, by the way, my face is red not because I'm angry, but because of a medical condition. I'm hot-blooded. Check it and see."

Houston coach Gary Kubiak served 11 years as offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach to Shanahan before accepting the Houston job.

"It's no coincidence that the Broncos haven't won a Super Bowl since I left," says Kubiak. "While Shanahan was hiding behind his play sheet, I was the one making all the brilliant offensive calls. And John Elway was taking all the punishment and stealing all the glory. He was one tough son of a gun, though. You have to be to share a huddle with Shannon Sharpe. I swear I think Shannon just played football to finance his addiction to his church deacon/ghetto pimp wardrobe. Personally, I like my coattails just past the hip, not dragging the floor. And speaking of coattails, I don't think we'll ride into the playoffs on the coattails of Matt Schaub. He's had more MRIs lately than Travis Henry's had urine tests. And more negatives at that. Shanahan may consider me a young apprentice, but I will call him to his a face a 'bastard,' when he finds his servant is his master. Feel the sting of defeat, Shanny!"

Houston wins, 24-21.

Cincinnati @ San Francisco (+9½)

Times have changed in San Francisco. There was a time when the defining moment of the city was a Joe Montana touchdown completion to Dwight Clark, or a Dirty Harry Callahan bazooka-blast to wipe out a yet-to-be-proven-guilty suspect in a guard tower at Alcatraz. Now, big news in San Francisco is whether or not Alex Smith will have season-ending surgery on his injured shoulder.

"I'm not sure what's better for this franchise," says Mike Nolan, No. 1 on Mr. Blackwell's 'Best Dressed, Worst Coaches' year-end list. "Smith having season-ending surgery, or a career-ending accidental tumble down a stairway. I vote for the latter, 'cause that would make my day. It used to be that playing the 49ers in San Fran was an intimidating prospect, much like the fear shown by a perpetrator tasting the cold steel of the barrel of Dirty Harry's .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, able to blow you're his head clean off, without a team of human rights lawyers around, punk. Now, playing the 49ers in 'Frisco is like being apprehended by Deputy Barney Fife: you know you'll escape, and we'll probably shoot ourselves in the foot. I just wish Andy Griffith were here to correct our mistakes while offering a gentle lesson in life."

Believe it or not, the Bengals still lead the NFL in one-game winning streaks with five. Their latest conquest was holding the Rams to 10 points while lighting up the scoreboard for 19 points of their own.

"This team could learn a lot from the exploits of Clint Eastwood," says Carson Palmer. "Trust me, I'd love to see Dirty Harry whip out a hand-cannon on some of these thugs who like to wave guns in the air like they just don't care. Eastwood exudes discipline. He's directed Academy Award-winning movies and actors, he's been mayor of a city in California, and he can get an orangutan to do exactly what he says. Marvin Lewis can't direct, he can't supervise, and his ability with primates is limited to his successful training of a spider monkey to fetch things when Marvin was on crutches."

Palmer throws for two touchdowns, and the Bengals win the Saturday night special, 30-17. The airing of Eastwood's The Gauntlet on TBS outdraws the audience for the game, and the NFL begins talks to allow the NFL Network a flex scheduling option for games on next year's schedule.

Arizona @ New Orleans (-4)

Luckily for the Saints and their playoff hopes, two 6-6 teams in the NFC lost last week. The Saints are still in the playoff race, and now face one of those 6-6 teams that lost, the Cardinals. If the Saints are to make a concerted run at the playoffs, which would probably require three wins, some help from other teams, and the blood of a virgin spilled into an active volcano, they'll have to do it without Reggie Bush, who is done for the year with a torn posterior cruciate ligament.

"We've practically played without Reggie all season," says Drew Brees. "I've seen much better use of overall No. 2 picks: Ryan Leaf by San Diego in 1998, Rick Mirer by Seattle in 1993, Tony Manderich by Green Bay in 1989, and Lenny Kravitz in 2004 by the Jewish delegation in Dave Chappelle's 2004 Racial Draft. Frankly, Reggie's been a distraction all year. If it hasn't been a reporter asking about his knee, it's been a family member asking for rent. And that Fathead photographer with the giant camera has really been a nuisance. Reggie's just as easy to tackle as he is to peel off a wall."

New Orleans wins, 30-24.

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay (-12)

The Falcons' descent from NFC South contender to a franchise in trouble has been as sudden as Michael Vick's switch from a vertical pinstripe suit to a horizontal one. Vick was sentenced Monday afternoon, hours before the Falcons were shanked 34-14 by the Saints in Atlanta, darkening an already tragic day for the team. Vick received a harsher sentence than the others involved, mainly due to his less than truthful statements about the level of his involvement in the dogfighting operation.

"I've always been upfront and honest as to my involvement in dog-fighting and the use of recreational drugs," says John Gruden. "I won't lie. Nothing pleases me more than smoking a bone while watching two Chihuahua's in a Greco-Roman wrestling free-for-all. I've done it, and I'm only moderately ashamed. Now, if you want the truth about Jeff Garcia's back injury, then you won't get a straight answer from me. Nor from Jeff. Garcia's given a lifetime's worth of straight answers, most in response to questions of sexuality posed by Terrell Owens. I will say this about Garcia: his spleen is still with him. As for Mike Vick, no one should feel sorry for him. Sure, he'll have a tough time serving 23 months, but with his background with dogs, I doubt he'll have any trouble becoming somebody's bitch. And judging by the number of Vick jerseys worn by shameless fans at Monday's game and the imminent sales of 'Free Mike Vick' apparel, then Vick should have nice wad of cash waiting upon release to finance whatever kind of unsavory operation that tickles his fancy. And a reality show is sure to follow, and I wouldn't be surprised to find Vick guesting on The Dog Whisperer."

Tuesday finally brought some good news to the Falcons — head coach Bobby Petrino resigned to take the job at Arkansas. No one was happier in the Falcon locker room than DeAngelo Hall, who smelled a rat from the start and clashed with Petrino on occasion. No one was happier outside the locker room than Louisiana State coach Les Miles, who now is only the second-most deceptive coach in the land.

"I guess Santa Claus got my letter," beams a proud Hall.

Tampa wins, 27-10.

Baltimore @ Miami (+3)

There's always a sentimental feeling whenever former Miami Hurricanes Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, and Willis McGahee play in Miami. Just as it was in their college days, they'll be favored, they'll get paid, and a win won't get them anywhere near the NFL playoffs. It's been a dreadful year for the Ravens, and although they're not ones to complain, they're going to anyway, because that's what they do, to the tune of $70,000 levied against Bart Scott, Samari Rolle, Chris McAlister, and Derrick Mason for criticizing the officiating in their loss to the Patriots.

"As for beating the Patriots, the Ravens should know that you never send a boy to do a man's job," says Cam Cameron, whose Dolphins will face the Patriots next week. "Those Ravens complain more than John McEnroe in France. Of course, any time a player criticizes an NFL officials, the player has to pay. If I could apply that principle to players criticizing coaches, I'd be a rich man. But I'd still be a rich man without a win. We've already got one of those, Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga. Anyway, I'm sure the Ravens will be motivated to win. They don't want to be one of the teams to lose to an eventual 19-0 team, and the only team to lose to a team that could have gone 0-16."

Always a man of tact, Brian Billick picked the most opportune time (following the Patriot meltdown and the blowout loss to Indy, both at home), to announce that he will be back next year as Baltimore coach. Then, quarterback Steve McNair announced that he will represent the AFC in the Pro Bowl. And Ed Reed announced that he is not overrated.

At least for this Sunday in Miami, everything is fined and dandy for the Ravens. Baltimore wins, 23-15.

Buffalo @ Cleveland (-5½)

It's odd to be talking about a game with playoff implications that involves the Bills and Browns, especially in Week 15 of the season, but the implications of Sunday's matchup are huge, almost as huge as the implications of an Earnest Byner fumble at the three-yard line, or the implications of a misplaced Thurman Thomas helmet. Right now, Cleveland holds the final wild card spot. Buffalo would take over that spot with a win.

"Yeah, the wild card would be very nice," says Romeo Crenel. "But there's much more at stake here. Buffalo lies on the northern end of Lake Erie. The metropolis of Cleveland sits at the southern end. The winner of this game lays claim to bragging rights of 9,940 vast square miles of water, home to thousands of species of marine life, and as many industrial pollutants, just begging for a team to call their own. There's even some Atlantic dolphins in there whose previous allegiances have been tested. If that's not enough to get both teams, and both cities, excited, then Erie just isn't a football lake, now is it?"

After an 0-3 start, the Bills are 6-3 since then, and rueing a 15-14 loss to the Broncos, the Bills only loss to a losing team, in Week 1. If Jason Elam somehow misses that game-winning field goal, and the Bills don't collapse on Monday night against the Cowboys, then they'd be 9-4 and in better position for the postseason.

"I think we've finally found our quarterback of the future," says Dick Jauron. "By 'future,' I mean this Sunday. Trent Edwards played great for us against the Dolphins. It's not often a player grades out at over 100%, but how often do you get to play the Dolphins? He completed passes of all distances. More importantly, he connected with Lee Evans on a plus-65 yard touchdown score. Previously, I thought only J.P. Losman was capable of making that pass. In fact, that was about the only pass J.P. could complete. They don't call him 'The Sniper' for nothing. And he doesn't have a kill ratio of 3% for nothing."

If the Bills can control the clock with their running game and keep the high-powered Cleveland offense off the field, then Buffalo can win this game. I defy the NFL Network's Sterling Sharpe and Brian Baldinger to surpass the painstaking research I did to reach that conclusion. Hey, is Baldinger wearing mascara?

Buffalo grinds out a gritty 24-22 win.

Green Bay @ St. Louis (+10½)

Brett Favre is like alcohol content — even at 80%, he still gets the job done. He recovers from injuries faster than video game characters. Say what you want about his gunslinger mentality, Favre has been a picture of vitality and longevity over the length of his glorious career.

"Vitality? Longevity? Length? Glorious? Gunslinger?" says oft-injured Rams quarterback Marc Bulger. "Those are words one wouldn't use to describe me, but if this is an advertisement for some new erectile dysfunction medication, then I'll take a trunk full, brother! I've been looking for a cure for my 'St. Louis Arch' for years now. This may be the answer. As for Favre, his toughness is legendary, and an inspiration to me, except when I'm injured. What he calls 'mild discomfort,' I call 'injured reserve.' Me? I wouldn't think of playing with broken bones. Favre? He's roasted marshmallows on compound fractures before. Concussions? Favre calls 'em 'pop knots.' Ambulances? Favre doesn't use them. I have my own pillows in the local fleets."

Favre prepares with his usual pre-game ritual, a nap, a performance of Carly Simon's "Haven't Got Time For the Pain," another nap, a dip, and a quick bath in the whirlpool. Then, he throws three touchdown passes. Green Bay wins, 34-14.

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh (-4)

You can best believe Steelers safety Anthony Smith won't be making any ill-advised guarantees after Pittsburgh failed to backup Smith's guarantee of victory over the Patriots. Pittsburgh lost 34-13, and Smith was beat for two long touchdown passes. Smith is currently under a Mike Tomlin-advised vow of silence, and, in his haste not to give Jacksonville any unnecessary motivation, Tomlin has placed a "Jag" order on Smith.

"As a Pittsburgh Steeler," says Tomlin, "there's two tenets you have live and die by: 1) Dallas tight end Jackie Smith will always be an honorary Steeler and 2) Don't write a check your ass can't cash. Anthony abided by tenet No. 1; he gave mad props to Jackie. I think they're distantly related. But he broke tenet No. 2. Therefore, I had to make like a Black Crow and 'shake my guarantee-maker.' Now, Anthony's on the questionable list with 'shaken safety syndrome.'"

"That's tragic," says Jack Del Rio. "I wish Anthony a full and speedy recovery. If he's back for the game on Sunday, great. If he guarantees victory, even better. We welcome guarantees, especially from players he just got toasted twice the previous week. What's of even more concern is the status of safety Troy Polamalu. Will he play? Or will he continue his quest to look like Rip Van Winkle? I've heard of playoff beards, but injured list beards? Come on, Troy. Get out there. There's balding men that need to be reminded of their inadequacies."

Okay, here's what I think Mike Tomlin is thinking. The Steelers need Polamalu for the playoffs. His health is a priority, and so is maintaining the No. 3 seed in the AFC, which would mean the Steelers would face the Patriots in the AFC final, and not a week earlier. Pittsburgh finishes at St. Louis and at Baltimore. And, they definitely don't need Polamalu to win those two. We might not see him until the playoffs.

Jacksonville tries to burn the Steelers with the double-lateral bomb that the Patriots ran to perfection last Sunday. It fails when former college quarterback Matt Jones, who, in addition to his limited receiving skills, has lost nearly all of his quarterbacking abilities, throws the ball right to linebacker Larry Foote, who takes it in for the score. Steelers win, 23-13.

NY Jets @ New England (-24)

It's clear Eric Mangini has a sense of humor. Any coach who chooses to kick a field goal, down 17-12, with 1:48 left to play in the game obviously likes to be laughed at. That's exactly what Mangini did last Sunday. Now, in his defense, Mangini and the Jets had their full allotment of timeouts, and everybody knows that 1:48 and three timeouts is plenty of time to score a game-tying safety. This Sunday in New England, game-tying safeties and useless field goals won't do the Jets any good, as Mangini and his squad will face the wrath of Bill Belichick, a man hell-bent on raining vengeance, as well as 50-plus points, down upon the heads of the team that blew the whistle on the "Spygate" affair.

"Look at that massive spread," says Tom Brady, browsing through the Kama Sutra secreted away between the ample pages of his playbook. "Ha! Made you look. And no, by massive spread, I don't mean the distance between Anthony Smith and one of our receivers last week. I'm referring to the 24 points by which Vegas has us favored. Let me tell you it's not enough. Let's just say the Jets will see some 'double coverage' on Sunday. Mangini's got about as good of a chance getting an honest and sincere handshake from Bill Belichick as the Jets do of beating us. And we won't be taking any knees, at least on offense. It's a mismatch, much like a linebacker on Wes Welker, the Don Beebe of our time. I'm sure we'll be criticized for running up the score, but so be it. I'm used to all the criticisms. You can't let it affect you. Giselle may bitch and moan about the 40-second play clock, but I can't let that bother me. I don't complain when people don't buy Stetson cologne, even though seeing me in a print ad with three-day stubble, a few coat, and a skinny waif by my side should be enough to convince a man to buy a mid-level fragrance. You win some, you lose some. We'll, we win them all, and other teams lose some."

Brady throws for 345 yards and four touchdowns, including a 2-yard strike to Welker, known in Patriots lingo as a "rushing score." New England wins, 48-14. Suitably humiliated, Mangini, the "Pride Piper," leads his team dejectedly to their locker room.

Seattle @ Carolina (+7)

With the NFC West division clinched, the Seahawks now face the 5-8 Panthers in a rematch of the 2005 NFC Championship Game, won by the Seahawks 34-14. The Seahawks just blasted the Cardinals 42-21 to extend their winning streak to five, and are gaining confidence for a playoff push that may lead them to a date with the Packers in January.

"We want the ball and we're going to score!" yells captain Matt Hasselbeck, seconds after winning the coin toss at midfield.

In his excitement, Hasselbeck doesn't realize that those were his exact words back in January 2004, when the Seahawks won the coin toss in overtime of their playoff game in Green Bay. Moments later, Al Harris intercepted a Hasselbeck pass and returned it 52 yards for the game-winning touchdown.

"Thanks for the reminder," says Hasselbeck. "But this isn't Green Bay in January. It's Carolina in December, and the Panthers can't even win a coin toss at home. And they couldn't even break 100 yards rushing or receiving last week in Jacksonville. Don't rain on my parade. If I want to act like a giddy schoolgirl and elect to receive the opening kickoff , then let me."

Tickets are so abundant in Charlotte that scalpers are offering a free ticket just for inquiring about the price. On this day, supply beats demand, and the Seahawks beat Carolina, 27-9.

Tennessee @ Kansas City (+4)

The Titans felt the pain of a devastating 23-17 overtime loss to the Chargers in a physical game that saw quarterbacks Vince Young and Philip Rivers temporarily knocked out of the game. LaDainian Tomlinson provided the knockout blow, with a 16-yard touchdown run in overtime that completed the Chargers rally from a 17-3 deficit. Charger linebacker Shawne Merriman was also knocked out of the game with a knee injury on a hit he claimed was called by Titans head coach Jeff Fisher.

"I'll admit," says Fisher, "that there was more carnage in that game than an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. But to accuse me of asking one of my players to injure another is just ludicrous. It's ludicrous that I would have to ask. Do I look like a 'Vito?' What is this? Sicily, 1975? The only hits I've ever ordered were back in 1982, when you got 13 for one penny from Columbia House. No one's ever mistaken me for Thomas 'The Hit Man' Hearns, although I did go toe-to-toe with Marvelous Marvin Hagler in a back alley in Newark as Al Michaels and Al Bernstein excitedly called the action. Marvelous and I fought to a draw, then we pummeled Michaels and Bernstein and took their lunch money. Anyway, it's never an easy task winning in Arrowhead. We know they'll be motivated. This is about the time of year the Kansas City coach uses tears to light a fire under his team. We'll be ready."

Win or lose, the Titans will trail either the Bills or Brown for the final wild card spot. In their favor, Tennessee has a Week 17 date with the Colts, who will probably be resting most of their starters. The Titans must have a win in Kansas City, and a win by the Bills would work in their favor.

LenDale Whites gobbles up 119 yards on the ground, and Vince Young tosses a touchdown pass to a wide receiver he has never met. Titans win, 24-13.

Indianapolis @ Oakland (+10 ½)

While his NBA city-mates are dodging bullets, Peyton Manning is still throwing them. Manning tossed four touchdown passes, including the 300th of his career, in the Colts 44-20 rout of the Ravens. With thoughts of inching closer to securing the AFC's No. 2 seed, Manning and the Colts will head to the Black Hole in Oakland.

"Hey, what offense do the Pacers run?" ask Manning. "It's called the 'gun and run.' Hey, Jamaal Tinsley, here's an assist: duck! Tinsley is a master of running the 'fast break,' and his shot clock management is impeccable. Do you think Larry Bird packs heat when he addresses the team? When a Pacers coach is dismissed, is he 'fired,' or 'fired at?' Dang, I kill me. I should be on television. Anyway, it's always nice playing in Oakland around Christmas. Nothing gets me in the spirit like seeing some fool dressed in a black and silver Santa suit with a brass belt, and brass knuckles to match. Raider fans are easily excited. Well, they should be excited. After last week's loss in Green Bay, and Sunday's game featuring me, Raiders fans will have seen two great quarterbacks in the last two weeks. That's more than they've seen in the last three decades. I'm not even sure Kenny Stabler should be considered great, but he could hold his liquor. At least, that's what Dad says. I'm excited myself to see JaMarcus Russell. I'd really like to analyze his skills and advise him. I think he could be great. I think my first words of advice would be 'Get out of Oakland.'"

Manning throws for 238 yards and two scores, then later lets himself into a stranger's house, casually plops down on the couch, asks for chips, and compliments the stranger on his 'nice Sony.' Colts win, 31-13.

Detroit @ San Diego (-10½)

After eight games this season, the Lions were 6-2, the Chargers were 4-4, and both teams seemed to be headed in the opposite direction of their 2006 campaigns. 3-13 in 2006, the Lions appeared headed for the playoffs and reaching, if not surpassing, Jon Kitna's guarantee of 10 wins. The Chargers finished 14-2 last year and after a much-maligned coaching change, their high expectations were modified. Since that pivotal week, the Lions have dropped five in a row, while the Chargers have won four of five.

"Well, it looks like both teams are headed for the same conclusion they had last year," says Norv Turner. "We'll be losing in the second-round of the playoffs, and the Lions will have a high pick in the draft. That might cost me my job, but I bet it gets Matt Millen an extension. I can see what's in store for the Lions next year: a wide receiver drafted in the top 10, and a guarantee of 12 wins from Kitna. And, I'll be offensive coordinator for the Falcons and their next franchise quarterback."

A self-important Shawne Merriman watches from the sidelines in a knee brace and a bulletproof vest as the Chargers take a 34-20 win. Philip Rivers has a turnover-free game, and LaDainian Tomlinson allows him to sit beside of him on the bench, as long as they don't touch.

Philadelphia @ Dallas (-10)

Another heroic effort by Tony Romo led the Cowboys back from a 27-14 fourth quarter deficit, and the possible ignominy of being part of a successful Jon Kitna guarantee, for a stunning win over the Lions. Earlier this year, Kitna had guaranteed 10 Detroit wins; Dallas' 28-27 win officially made Kitna's promise unreachable.

"I believe in making guarantees," says Romo, "but only those I know I can accomplish. Like, for example, guaranteeing that I'll hook up with a mentally-challenged songbird who looks great in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Jessica was great in The Dukes of Hazard, and she was kind enough to introduce me to Cooter."

At 5-8 and with very little to play for, the Eagles can still temporarily derail Dallas' plans for homefield advantage throughout the playoffs by shocking the Cowboys. More importantly, the bounty placed on Terrell Owen's head three years ago has still gone uncollected, and, with interest, now sits at $21,457.98. If no one collects this week, McNabb plans to use the money to pay his skyrocketing medical bills.

"Hey, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times," says McNabb. "It's not a bounty, it's a gift card."

The bounty goes uncollected, as Owens tears up the Philly secondary for 120 yards and a touchdown. However, Owens is later jumped by Keyshawn Johnson and Bill Parcells, who give Owens a taste of their Super Bowl rings before rendering him helpless with a spiked piledriver.

Dallas wins, 31-20.

Washington @ NY Giants (-4½)

With their gutsy 16-13 win in Philadelphia last Sunday, the Giants solidified their position as the probable No. 5 seed in the NFC playoffs, with a full two-game cushion on their closest pursuer, the Vikings. The G-Persons also strengthened their hold on the title of "least intimidating NFC playoff team." The G-Guys are 9-4, and all nine of their wins have come at the expense of teams with losing records. Their four losses (two to Dallas, Minnesota, and Green Bay) were to their likely competition in the playoffs.

"Well, it's a good thing we're playing the 6-7 Redskins, then," says Tom Coughlin. "Once the playoffs start, you can throw the records aside, and it all comes down to how you perform in big games. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. It's all for one, and one for all. I've been feeding my team overused lines like this all year, and I've found that they perform better when I just shut my trap. It's going to take our best efforts to make a playoff run. Most importantly, we need Eli Manning's leadership to take us places. He's not the leader his brother is. Eli could start by getting a speaking role in a commercial. But he's making progress. He's just a few hours away from earning his leadership merit badge. But sewing a little patch on a uniform doesn't necessarily make you a good leader, nor does it necessarily make you a good captain. I think this game, as well as the remainder of our games, will answer the telling questions about Eli. And speaking of questions, can someone answer this one: Who's hairdo does Chris Cooley have? Thing No. 1 or Thing No. 2?"

New York wins, 23-16.

Chicago @ Minnesota (-9)

Adrian Peterson makes his Monday Night Football debut, and the stage will be all his. Well, maybe not all, his. There's that problem of making your highly anticipated MNF debut and having another player by the same name on the other team. There's an Adrian Peterson that plays for the Bears. Despite the long odds, it's not the first time two players with the same name on opposing teams have faced each other. There was that remarkable day during the 1984 season when the Dolphins faced the Giants. In that game, Dolphins kicker Uwe von Schamann faced his namesake, Giants defensive tackle Uwe von Schamann, while Giants kicker Ali Haji-Sheikh squared off against Miami special teamer Ali Haji-Sheikh on the other side.

"If you believe that," says Minnesota defensive tackle Kevin Williams, "then you'd believe that I take cruises on Lake Minnetonka for the fishing. I guess the Jets/Patriots spygate scandal will take most of the headlines this week, but let's not forget about truly interesting NFL scandals, like our 'Tailgate' incident on the water of 2005. It was also the year that Mike Tice scalped his Super Bowl tickets. That was a good year. I know Bill Belichick paid the NFL $500,000, but more money changed hands during our two incidents. And no one left unhappy. Anyway, as far as the Adrian Petersons go, you'll be able to tell them apart once they hit the field. The one that the MNF booth can't stop gushing about in our A.P. Adrian's been successfully indoctrinated into the Viking sex scandal brotherhood. We don't bother making rookies carry our bags and equipment. We order them to take us out on the lake in their boat and provide the entertainment. Let me tell ya, Adrian's Sooner Schooner was fully stocked that time."

Peterson and backfield mate Chester Taylor rush for 165 yards and two scores, and the Vikings make life miserable for another superstar making his first (and last) MNF start, Bear quarterback Kyle Orton. Minnesota wins, 27-10.