Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Washington @ Seattle (-3½)
For the third straight year, the Seahawks face an NFC East opponent in the playoffs, and, so far, that has been good luck for Seattle. In 2005, the Seahawks beat the Redskins on their way to the NFC title; last year, Seattle beat Dallas 21-20 to advance to the divisional round.
"Whereas the NFC East used to mean a sure Super Bowl win, particularly if they were playing Buffalo," says Matt Hasselbeck, "now they're simply a stepping stone to playoff advancement. Sure, we've had our share of luck, though. If not for a slippery Tony Romo finger, we would have lost last year. But enough about Romo and his index finger; I shudder to think where he or it's been. We're concerned solely about the Redskins, and we will surely welcome the D.C. natives to Qwest Field. Heck, if President Bush and Vice President Vader, I mean Cheney, want to join them, we won't even arrest them for war crimes, like the patriotic folks of Brattleboro, Vermont have threatened to do should Cheney and his sidekick show their faces in that fine city. I have no idea why Bush and Cheney would care to visit such a place, lest they want to be united in holy matrimony. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
The Redskins season has seen more ups and downs than a lava lamp, or a Minnesota Vikings cruise ship in choppy waters. The 'Skins survived a four-game losing streak from Weeks 10 through 13 before a four-game winning streak salvaged their season. Unlike his high-scoring teams of old, Joe Gibbs has shown that this version of the 'Skins can win in gritty, down-and-dirty, and unspectacular fashion.
"Unspectacular fashion?" says Gibbs. "I guess you're not talking about Clinton Portis' clothing essentials. Somebody tell that cat that he's not a member of Parliament-Funkadelic. Then you should also explain to him that Parliament-Funkadelic is not the legislative body of the United Kingdom. Anyway, Portis provides the backbone for this team, along with our defense and my leadership, described by some as 'quiet,' and by others as 'clueless.' If we get down 10-0, we don't panic. Sure, we're not going to win 42-10, but with our style of play, we know we can come back from such a deficit, with or without Doug Williams, Gary Clark, or an unknown running back who's now serving time for cocaine possession. That's assuming I can remember that consecutive timeouts are not allowed. I guess this isn't college basketball. Timeout miscues or not, we're one of the hottest teams in the playoffs. I guess we're what you'd call this year's 'dangerous' playoff team. Three weeks ago, there was a name for that 'dangerous' team. They were called the Minnesota Vikings."
Washington's running game and defense will keep them in the game, but the arm of Hasselbeck, the foot of Josh Brown, and the collective body parts of Seattle's vaunted "12th Man" cheering section, with newest member Shaun Alexander, will lead the Seahawks to victory. Seahawks win, 22-19.
Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh (-1½)
It would seem the Jaguars have a decided mental edge over the Steelers, with the knowledge that they've already gone to Pittsburgh once this year and won. In Week 15, the Jags and charismatic frontman Jack Del Rio went to Heinz Field and ran for 224 yards in a 29-22 defeat of the Steelers. This time, Pittsburgh will be without leading rusher Willie Parker, who broke his leg in Week 16 and is out for the season. But revenge will be on the mind of the 10-6 Steelers, who have lost three of their last four.
"I'm expecting nothing less than a turf war," says Del Rio. "And, since the game is in Pittsburgh, I expect nothing less than a lopsided win, with that shabby turf on the losing end. Even running back Fred Taylor has said that the Steelers should invest in new turf. Hey man, that's bulletin board material, but not for the Steelers. For us. It's advantageous for us to play on a field that even a bulldozer would have trouble navigating. Playing in quicksand plays perfectly into our gameplan, which calls for at least 40 rushes and as few passes to our wide receivers as possible. 'Deep Threat' is not in my vocabulary, although it is in my video collection.
"As far as the Steelers wanting revenge, well, revenge is something only losers desire. But I'm not one to start a war of words. I'm Jack Del Rio, a man known for his charm, style, and calm demeanor, in the locker room as well as the with the ladies, with whom my panache and ability to rap in hybrid English and Spanish, known as 'Spanglish,' has earned me the nickname 'Rio Suave.' As for the home-standing Steelers, we're going to eat them raw like sushi."
The Steelers rested several starters, including quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, in their 27-21 loss to the Ravens last week. It was a game that meant little to Pittsburgh, who could have jumped one seed in the AFC standings had San Diego lost to Denver. The Chargers won, so Pittsburgh kept the No. 4 seed.
"Look, we gave the Ravens a win," says Roethlisberger, "with the hopes that a victory over their hated rivals, us, would have saved Brian Billick his job. As you know, having Billick as an opposing coach in our division is a good thing. Apparently, Ravens' ownership had other ideas, specifically winning, so they tossed Billick and his grandfatherly reading glasses out like yesterday's news. Now, the Jaguars are well-coached, and Del Rio and his Jack-booted thugs always come ready to play. I have to admit that the Jags probably don't get the respect they deserve. With an 11-5 record and the league's third-highest rated passer, you'd think they'd command more respect. But that respect will come. As soon as Peyton Manning retires and the Jaguars win an AFC South title, they'll get it. And, it wouldn't hurt to win a playoff game under Del Rio."
The Heinz Field turf has had three weeks off since the Jags ran it ragged in Week 15. That should have given it sufficient time to grow roots and withstand a few hard cuts. Jacksonville wore down the Steelers then, and that's in the game plan for Saturday. Pittsburgh has big play capabilities through the air, but with Parker out, expect the Jags to stop the Steeler running game early and double-team the deep routes. David Garrard throws for a touchdown, and Josh Scobee kicks three field goals. Jacksonville wins, 23-20.
NY Giants @ Tampa Bay (-2½)
The Giants, who have lost three straight playoff games, head to Tampa Bay to face the Buccaneers, who have not won a playoff game since 2002, their Super Bowl year. That run of futility would partially explain the sour and pained expressions often seen on the faces of New York head coach Tom Coughlin and his Tampa counterpart, John Gruden. Even on bright sunny days with visions of job security in front of them, each man has been known to slam a rolled-up play sheet to the ground and curse the name of Tiki Barber, Keyshawn Johnson, or some other hated former player, with the look of a man passing a kidney stone etched upon his visage.
"Believe it or not," says Gruden, "I'm a fairly happy guy. You give me a solid but aging defense, depth at running back, a wiley veteran quarterback, and two opposing cheerleaders provocatively intertwined in a local bar's bathroom stall, and I'm as happy as a lark. Sure, my expression may lead you to believe that I should be chanting 'nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea' while auditioning for a Pepto Bismol commercial, but facial expressions can be misleading. Look at Bill Belichick. Does he look like a man whose team is 16-0? No, he looks like a man who went 1-15 and has his future hanging on the decisions of Bill Parcells, the man who wears a belt not to hold his pants up, but as a gentle reminder of where his belly ends and his booty begins. Anyway, Belichick is a happy man, happy face or not. And so am I.
"This may be the finest coaching job in Tampa since Monte Kiffin coached the Bucs to the Super Bowl back in the 2002 season. I took the credit for that, but Monte received an Old Spice gift set for his troubles. As far as the Giants go, job No. 1 will be ensuring protection for Jeff Garcia against the fearsome four in red and blue. No, not from American Gladiators Gemini, Thunder, Nitro, and Lace, with your host, Mike Adamle, but Michael Strahan and company. But Garcia's been there before. He whipped these very Giants as an Eagle last year. He's one cool customer, and if I were ever stuck on a pirate ship at sea, or in the end zone of Raymond James Stadium, I'd want him there to shiver my timbers for a good jolly rogering."
The Giants are brimming with the confidence that comes to the loser of a 38-35 game to the invincible Patriots, armed with the knowledge that a Manning will lead them into battle. Unfortunately, that Manning is Eli, not Peyton. Eli is 0-3 as a starter in the playoffs, and, as always, will have weighty expectations on his shoulders.
"Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, was it?" asks Manning. "I'm sure while they were building that place, they ran into their share of problems and delays, some of which may have been caused by costly interceptions. And I'm sure Rome didn't have the unreasonable expectations of living up to an older and much more successful city pressuring its every move. You know, I love Peyton like a brother, but it took him a few tries before he achieved glory. Look, all I need is one playoff victory to move out of a last-place tie with my father, Archie Manning, and mother, Olivia, on the Manning family all-time list of playoff victories."
Prior to the game, Tiki Barber's twin brother, Ronde, poses as Tiki in an interview and questions Manning's leadership and manhood. Later, Ronde, as himself, picks off Manning once and suitably harasses Plaxico Burress. Garcia employs his guile, savvy, craftiness, and nimble feet long enough to hit Joey Galloway with a 50-yard touchdown bomb somewhere along the way. Buccaneers win, 21-17.
Tennessee @ San Diego (-8½)
Like the Jacksonville/Pittsburgh matchup, Sunday's Tennessee/San Diego throwdown is a rematch of a regular-season game won by the visiting team, a 23-17 Chargers win in overtime. In that game, San Diego linebacker Shawne Merriman suffered a knee injury on a hit he claimed was intentional, and possibly ordered by Titans head coach Jeff Fisher.
"Hey, it makes for great television, doesn't it?" says Fisher. "Why do you think this is the Sunday's late game? Fans want to see carnage, and with Merriman 'roid-raging for revenge, and Albert Haynesworth always a threat to get footloose, they're likely to see it, and maybe a few gang initiation brawls could break out. Merriman's ingested more illicit drugs than Velvet Revolver, and god forbid Albert hears a Kenny Loggins' song, or Patrick Swayze singing 'She's Like the Wind.' Actually, I ordered a cheap hit on Swayze years ago for singing that buttery silliness, but that dad gum Swayze is a slippery fellow, especially when wearing a wet suit and a Richard Nixon mask. If Gary Busey and Johnny Utah have a hard time catching Swayze, then how can I expect my hired guns to catch him? But Swayze's status is secondary to my quarterback situation.
"Is Vince Young's injured quadriceps serious enough to keep him out of the lineup? It will be a game-time decision. I guess I'll ask Vince on Sunday if he's ready to go. That's a simple 'yes-no' question, so I expect a correct answer. With Vince, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? is not a television show; it's a legitimate question. Obviously, Vince gives us the best chance at victory, but Kerry Collins is certainly capable, and should Washington quarterback Todd Collins lead the 'Skins to victory, Kerry would be motivated to become the second Collins to lead a road team to a wild card win. I think Kerry would call that a 'double.'"
The Chargers enter the playoffs with six straight wins, second only to the Patriots' 16. It was a streak that took the Bolts from a 5-5 record and demands for Norv Turner's firing to an 11-5 record and the AFC West title.
"Six straight wins?" says Turner. "That's something. I guess you could call that 'Norv Turner Overdrive.' Now, 'NTO' probably never reached the Holy Grail of rock immortality by having its image on an 74-ounce plastic cup of Slurpee from 7-11, like BTO, Bachman-Turner Overdrive. But let me tell you. We're hot and ready to make a run. It you think we were playing well, then you ain't seen nothing yet. Once we beat the Titans, we'll head to Indianapolis, where we'll be takin' care of business. That is, assuming Peyton Manning throws six interceptions and Adam Vinatieri misses two field goals, including the game-winner. One playoff win should keep my job safe. But you never know, not with A.J. Smith's itchy trigger finger. He just signed a five-year extension, which, by my interpretation, sounds like San Diego management thinks his firing of Marty Schottenheimer after last year's 14-2 season was the right thing to do. I believe it was. Marty lost a playoff home game. He should have been canned. I guarantee we won't lose a playoff home game."
Both coaches will play it close to the vest initially, relying on their respective running attacks to at least get them in field goal range. Mistakes made by quarterbacks Vince Young and Philip Rivers will be costly and regrettable, much like their teams' decisions to draft them. Tennessee will keep it close, but if LaDainian Tomlinson gets the ball 20-25 times, he'll eventually be the deciding factor, no matter how well Haynesworth and the Titans' rush defense perform. San Diego wins, 26-19.
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