Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
New Orleans @ Carolina (-2½)
Thursday night's game, exclusively on the NFL Network, is for the outright lead in the NFC South. The home-standing Panthers lost 13-9 last week to the Seahawks, wasting their first solid defensive effort in weeks.
"Charlotte is home to a great deal of yuppies," Ron Rivera said. "Therefore, having an 'Under 30' day at Bank of America Field made sense not only for attendance, but for our defense, as well.
"The Saints are the hottest team in the NFC South, which is to say they have a one-game winning streak. And as always, protecting the quarterback is vital against the Saints, because they have a history of getting after the quarterback. Cam Newton may or may not have an 'S' on his chest; the Saints may or may not have a '$' on his head. In any case, it looks like the Saints finally got their 'S' together."
The Saints turned a 16-16 tie at the half with Green Bay into a 44-23 rout last Sunday night. The win moved the Saints to 3-4 and into a tie with the Panthers in the NFC South.
"The offense finally caught up with the defense," Sean Payton said, "because the offense just got very dangerous. Jimmy Graham is back, and even though his shoulder is still hurting, he's as impactful as he's ever been. So I'll go out on a limb and say he'll be a factor on Thursday.
"Defensively, we still have work to do. We gave up 491 yards of total offense for Christ's sake. Despite their troubles, our defense still achieved a high honor. They were awarded 'sainthood,' because they're so damn hole-y."
A sold out crowd of 65,000 pack BofA Stadium, with nearly all waving their version of the Steelers "Terrible Towel," the "Paper Towel." There's nothing the Saints can do about it, because they're not allowed to talk about "Bounty."
Carolina wins, 27-24.
Tampa Bay @ Cleveland (-6½)
The Browns bounced back from their 24-6 loss at Jacksonville with a commanding 23-13 win over the Raiders. Brian Hoyer threw for 275 yards and 1 score, while Billy Cundiff nailed 3 field goals.
"Hoyer solidified his role as the starter," Mike Pettine said. "Johnny Manziel will remain seated. He can plant his rear-end on a 'Tim Couch,' or, more fittingly in Ohio, a 'Johnny Bench.' The Browns mascot Swagger is more likely to squat under center than Johnny."
The Buccaneers lost an overtime heartbreaker 19-13 to the visiting Vikings. Tampa is now 1-6, last in the NFC South.
"They say the NFC South is the NFL's weakest division," Lovie Smith said. "Anyone that argues anything different is fighting a 'losing' battle.
"Seven games into the season, and I'm already on the hot seat. Luckily, it's the heated driver's seat of my customized 1993 Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight. It's got 48" rims, AM/FM cassette, and the back seats three people, or one Warren Sapp, comfortably. Best of all, it has an asbestos interior. Hopefully, that makes me fire proof."
Hoyer out-duels Mike Glennon is a battle of slim white quarterbacks, and the Browns rush for 145 yards as a team.
Cleveland wins, 24-12.
Arizona @ Dallas (-4)
The visiting Cardinals look to continue their dominance of NFC East teams. After last week's dramatic 24-20 win over the Eagles, Arizona is 3-0 versus the East. Carson Palmer's 75-yard TD strike to John Brown with 1:33 left in the fourth quarter was the game-winner.
"Carson also had an 80-yard TD strike to Larry Fitzgerald earlier in the game," Bruce Aryans said. "Carson also 'bombed' in Oakland, and went 'deep' in Cincinnati, into a holdout.
"We don't mind being the underdog in Dallas. In fact, we thrive on it. Plus, Tony Romo took a knee in a very sensitive area, and he's hurting. We smell blood in the water; Romo sees it in his toilet."
The visiting Redskins ended the Cowboys' six-game winning streak, topping Dallas 20-17 in overtime last Monday night. Tony Romo suffered an injured back in the third quarter, but returned in the fourth, and will play against the Cardinals.
"Tony will be okay," Jason Garrett said. "So Dallas fans, rest easy. To steal an idea from Aaron Rodgers, I'd like to spell a word for them: 'F-A-U-X.' That's what our playoff hopes are without Romo. Heck, even Jerry Jones just had a huge Halloween bash at his estate. Jerry had the best costume in the place — he was masquerading as a Super Bowl contender."
Cardinals win, 30-27.
Philadelphia @ Houston (+2)
Arian Foster exploded for 173 yards from scrimmage and 3 touchdowns in the Texans 30-16 win over the Titans last week. Houston is now 4-4, just one game behind the Colts in the AFC South.
"Arian touched the ball 24 times," Bill O'Brien said. "As long as we're feeding him the ball, he'll never go hungry, like he claimed he did at the University of Tennessee. Apparently, while Arian attended UT, eating was 'voluntary.'
"Foster is the heart and soul of our offense. J.J. Watt is the same for our defense. Watt was his usual dominant self last week against the Titans, with two sacks, a forced fumble, and a batted pass. Plus, he even mocked Zack Mettenberger after a sack by pretending to take a 'selfie,' as Mettenberger frequently does. Some people say he overreacted, but he's a defensive lineman; he doesn't throw 'screen passes.'"
The Eagles lost 24-20 at Arizona last week, suffering only their second loss of the year. Philly posted 521 yards of offense, but we're hurt by three turnovers.
"Offensively," Chip Kelly said, "we moved the ball well. Not going for it on fourth-and-one from the Arizona one yard line may have cost us. I'm an Eagle through and through, but in that situation, I was chicken.
"Defensively, our plan is to stop Foster and force Ryan Fitzpatrick beat us. Bill O'Brien's been trying to force Fitzpatrick to beat teams all season."
Watt sacks Nick Foles twice, but the Eagles notch five sacks of Fitzpatrick and force two turnovers.
Philadelphia wins, 29-21.
NY Jets @ Kansas City (-10)
The "Percy Harvin Experiment" began in the Meadowlands last week. Unfortunately, it crossed paths with the "Geno Smith Experiment," which may have reached its end in the Jets 43-23 loss to the Bills. Smith threw 3 interceptions in the first quarter and was benched for Michael Vick.
"I liken Geno to a Bills wide receiver," Rex Ryan said, "and me to a Jets cornerback, because he's burned me too many times.
"Vick will start against the Chiefs. Geno's status right now is 'N/A.' That means 'never again.' Vick and Smith are the only two quarterbacks on our roster. In case of an emergency, I have no idea what to do, which seems to be my coaching philosophy."
The Chiefs spotted the Rams a quick 7-0 last week at Arrowhead Stadium, then reeled off 34 unanswered points in a dominating victory. Jamaal Charles rushed for 73 yards and 2 scores, and the Chiefs sacked Austin Davis 7 times.
"Anytime Jamaal touches the ball," Andy Reid says, "it evokes nothing but good memories, as long as he doesn't get hit.
"It doesn't matter who the Jets line up with quarterback. Smith, Vick, Namath. We plan to come with our usual pressure. Everybody, especially Suzy Kolber, knows that Namath likes to get blitzed; we'll see how Vick likes it. We know that Jets quarterbacks can be chased from the pocket just as easily as they are from the lineup."
Can it get any uglier for the Jets? Yes, but only if we learn more about Rex Ryan's perverted sexual proclivities.
Kansas City wins, 30-13.
Jacksonville @ Cincinnati (-11½)
Andy Dalton's 1-yard quarterback sneak on fourth down with 57 seconds left gave the Bengals a 27-24 win over the Ravens last week, completing Cincy's season sweep of Baltimore. The win moved the Bengals back atop the AFC North, where they lead the Ravens and Steelers by a game.
"That was Andy's second 1-yard TD of the game," Marvin Lewis said. "He's apparently a running back trapped in a quarterback's body. Unfortunately, come playoff time, Andy's a quarterback trapped in my lineup. There's a reason they call Andy 'Mr. Name Any Month Except For January.' Hopefully, against the Jags, he'll just be 'Mr. November 2nd.'
"I plan to make my guys aware that they can't take the Jaguars lightly. And, as everyone knows, I don't take anything lightly. I know now that concussions are no joking matter. I know that Vontaze Burfict is likely to suffer ongoing effects from his reckless style of play. I know that more needs to be done to prevent, recognize, and treat concussions. Hopefully, someone else can manage to do all that, because it's one big headache to me."
The Jaguars were outclassed by the visiting Dolphins 27-13 last week. The Jags out-gained the Dolphins, but Blake Bortles tossed two costly interceptions, both of which were returned for touchdowns.
"Blake obviously made some mistakes," Gus Bradley said. "I just ask that he learn from his mistakes. With 12 interceptions and 4 of those returned for touchdowns, Blake is learning how to be Matt Schaub.
"I like the direction this team is headed. We're improving by the minute, and we have the cap space and draft picks to make an impact in the offseason. Our owner, Shad Khan, is looking forward to the 'Arab Spring.'"
Cincinnati wins, 31-13.
San Diego @ Miami (- 2½)
After last week's 35-21 loss at Denver, the Chargers have lost two in a row and desperately need a win in Miami.
"I haven't been happy with our play," Phillip Rivers said, "and I'm not afraid to let people know. Some people would classify me a Type 'A' personality. Others consider me a Type 'asshole' personality. I think I'm a little bit of both.
"We've got to run the ball better. We're averaging only 3.1 yards per carry. That's the worst in the NFL. I don't want to be associated with anything that's the worst, except our division rivals in Oakland. Two guaranteed wins a year. That's the best!"
Despite being out-gained by the Jaguars, the Dolphins used two defensive touchdowns to help turn back Jacksonville 27-13 at EverBank Field. Miami improved to 4-3in the AFC East.
"The offense struggled," Joe Philbin said, "but the defense picked up the slack. And our offense showed plenty of 'slack.'"
Down 14-0 with time dwindling in the first half, Tannehill finds Mike Wallace on an out pattern downfield. Wallace flips the ball to a streaking Lamar Miller, who races 20 yards for the score, completing the Dolphins first "Hook And Ladder" since their 1982 playoff loss to the Chargers. At the same time, former Dolphin Ricky Williams takes a break from cleaning his gutters to smoke a Persian water pipe, thus completing the first "Hooka and Ladder" in history.
Rivers and Antonio Gates hook up for a score, and the Chargers defense picks off Tannehill twice.
San Diego wins, 30-20.
Washington @ Minnesota (-2½)
In Colt McCoy's first start at quarterback, the Redskins stunned the Cowboy 20-17 in overtime at AT&T Stadium. McCoy passed fro 299 yards and rushed for 1 score. Washington is now 3-5 in the NFC East, three games behind the Cowboys.
"Colt was born in Texas," Jay Gruden said, "so this game meant a lot to him. And it's made him a cult hero in D.C. Now, I just have to convince myself that Colt should start in Minnesota over Robert Griffin III. RG3's association with a popular fast food chain notwithstanding, I've got to 'sell' myself a 'sub.'
"Griffin is a changed man, though. He's even got cornrows now. You know what else has cornrows? A cornfield? So, if anyone can give me a good reason why I should start Griffin over McCoy, I'm all ears."
The Vikings posted their second road win of the year with a 19-13 overtime win at Tampa Bay. Teddy Bridgewater passed for 241 yards and Jerick McKinnon rushed for 83 yards.
"Both of those guys are rookies," Mike Zimmer said. "I don't think anyone expected them to be in this role, much less play so well. The only thing they've beaten is the odds.
"Now, a Redskins/Vikings preview wouldn't be complete without a shout out to Fred Smoot, who played for both teams in his career. Smoot's best known, however, as the organizer of the infamous 2005 sex cruise scandal on Lake Minnetonka in 2005. Fred disputes the fact that he organized the excursion, claiming there was no captain, just a lot of privates."
Minnesota wins, 23-20.
St. Louis @ San Francisco (-10)
The 49ers, rested from a Week 8 bye, host the Rams at Levi's Stadium, just three weeks after their 31-14 win over the Rams in St. Louis.
"Jim Harbaugh loves playing at Levi's Stadium," Colin Kaepernick said. "Mostly because it's even another opportunity to joke that he 'wears the pants' in this organization. Who wears the shoes? That would be Joe Montana, who still endorses Skechers. He even wears them, but he used to get his kicks in Candlestick."
The Rams were pummeled at Arrowhead Stadium, losing 34-7 to the Chiefs. Austin Davis was sacked seven times, running his season total to 22.
"That's 16 more sacks than our defense has logged," Jeff Fisher said. "Couple that with our 25th-ranked rushing attack, and there's very little going on in any backfield.
"Halloween is here, so it's only fitting we pull out the 'tricks,' much like we did against the Seahawks. Apparently, they'll believe anything, particularly the hype."
Colin Kaepernick passes for 2 scores and runs for another, and the 49ers win, 27-14.
Denver @ New England (+3)
The Broncos are 6-1, atop the AFC West, and now head to New England to face the 5-2 Patriots. Denver is fresh off a 10-day rest after last Thursday's 35-21 win over the Chargers.
"Playing the Patriots, fresh off a 51-point day, just two days after Halloween?" Manning said. "That's a scary endeavor. If they score that many on us, I'll have to have a talk with their scoreboard operator."
"Hopefully, our defense can handle the Patriots tight ends. That's a priority. We've got a young linebacker whom I believe is up to the task. Last week, Brandon Marshall was in town; on Sunday, the Brandon Marshall comes to Foxboro. Like that other Brandon Marshall, he's got issues, but only of magazines. His favorite? 'Spittin' Image,' the magazine devoted exclusively to the original artwork of Bill Romanowski."
The Patriots annihilated the visiting Bears last week in Foxboro, sending them packing with a 51-23 loss. Tom Brady tossed 5 touchdown passes, including 3 to Rob Gronkowski.
"We made the Bears says 'uncle,'" Brady said, "while they made us say 'MOMMA': 'Monsters of the Midway My Ass.' After Sunday's game, there was sobbing in the Bears locker room. That's opposed to the week before, when there was 'SOB-ing.'"
Broncos 35, Patriots 34. Gisele Bündchen 34-25-35.
Oakland @ Seattle (-15)
The Raiders are 0-7 and now face the daunting task of facing the Seahawks at CenturyLink Field, where Seattle is nearly unbeatable.
"Here's the bad news," Tony Sparano said. "There's a zero in our win column. Here's the good news: you can't get any more 'win-less' than that. And our schedule doesn't get any easier. We've got five road games left this season, and get this, they're all 'homecoming' games for the home team.
"Now, by no means are we intimidated by the Seahawks. By game time, Halloween will be long gone. And guess what? The Seahawks don't scare anyone. Granted, we're not scary either. The only people the Raiders frighten are No. 1 draft picks."
The Seahawks snapped a two-game losing streak with a physical 13-9 win over the Panthers in Charlotte. Russell Wilson's 23-yard scoring strike to tight end Luke Wilson with 47 seconds left provided the winning points.
"No relation," Russell Wilson said. "Of course, I'm describing my kinship with all my teammates, not just Luke.
"Maybe we've been guilty of a Super Bowl hangover. And we're not clicking as a team. There may be a '12th Man' in our stadium, but the real issue is the elephant in the room."
Marshawn Lynch rushes for 122 yards and 2 scores, and Richard Sherman returns a Derek Carr interception for a score.
Seahawks win, 24-13.
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (even)
The AFC North's most heated rivalry continues at Heinz Field, where the Steelers look to avenge their 26-6 Week 2 loss at Baltimore. Last week, the Steelers offense exploded, piling up 639 yards of total offense in a 51-34 win over the Colts.
"Through film study," Roethlisberger said, "we knew the Colts' secondary was vulnerable. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that attacking a defense starts with a good background check."
Looking to avenge their Week 1 loss to the Bengals, the Ravens came up short, losing 27-24 on Andy Dalton's one-yard quarterback sneak.
"An offensive pass interference call on Steve Smith nullified what would have been a game-winning 80-yard TD pass from Joe Flacco," John Harbaugh said. "Replays clearly show Smith was the aggressor, but I absolutely refuse to publicly denounce his actions.
"And while we're on the subject of Steve Smith, who been known to punch a teammate, why not segue into this organization's public black eye, Ray Rice. Roger Goodell has to testify in the Rice case. What could be worse for the commissioner than being between a rock and a hard place? Well, 'under' oath."
Ravens win, 25-20.Indianapolis @ NY Giants (+3)
So much for the surprising Indianapolis defense. The Colts surrendered 639 yards of total offense in a 51-34 loss at Pittsburgh last week. Indy piled up 448 yards of their own, but it wasn't nearly enough against the hot Steelers.
"The Steelers marched the equivalent of the length of six football fields," Chuck Pagano said. "And all roads seemed to lead to the end zone. Pittsburgh seemed to cross more 'plains' than covered wagons."
The Giants had a week 8 bye, and used the time to address issues on both sides of the ball.
"We were blanked by the Eagles our last time out," Tom Coughlin said. "I was 'bleeped' the last time I spoke of it.
"Obviously, quarterbacks will likely decide this game. Luck already has one loss to a Manning this season. Of course, the last thing Peyton Manning wants to hear Eli say is, 'I think I'll make it two.'"
Indianapolis wins, 31-24.
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