After re-reading this, I guess I'm a curmudgeon. I don't care, though. I'm ticked off, and it's not even because the Giants are 1-4.
You see, October has always been a favorite month of mine. The leaves change colors as the high humidity from the summer months turns to sweatshirt and fire-pit weather. College and NFL football are in full swing, with the NBA and college basketball seasons on the horizon. Fall TV schedules up their game, while Halloween caps off the month with too-short costumes and too much candy. What's not to love?
Though, these past few years, October just hasn't been doing it for me. The weather has been bipolar and seemingly forever rainy on the weekends. Girls, and guys, for that matter, are ordering pumpkin-spiced everything while dressing as exact clones and talking about that test they "so failed" even though they'll get a B-. And I keep seeing Halloween pop-up stores around town, whatever that is. Why haven't I ever seen a pop-up strip club (but more on that later)?
Worst of all, I just heard about this thing called the Halloween Switch Witch. I don't have children, so I'm sure some experienced parents have heard of this in the past, but it's a relatively new concept for me. For those who don't know, this is an imaginary Witch that takes your hard-earned candy and exchanges it for something stupid. I'm out here risking it all for Butterfingers and Milk Duds, and this lazy-ass Witch comes and throws me a toy car. If I wanted a toy car, I'll write a note to Santa in a few months. Give me back my candy and my food pyramid that at least included a fats, sugar, and salt section.
I'm sick of it. I guess I could have saved my displease for October until later in the month, but it just felt like the right time. And, again, it's not just because the Giants are 1-4. Okay, it's because the Giants are 1-4. If Danny McGrath were a Giants fan, Graham Gano would have just made his list.
Here are your Week 5 power rankings.
1. Los Angeles Rams (5-0) — The Rams narrowly stayed undefeated after sneaking past their division foe, though the trainer's room will be crowded on Monday. Injures are starting to pile up for Los Angeles, most notably with Brandin Cooks and Cooper Kupp both exiting the game with concussions. Where's Will Smith and his terrible Nigerian accent when we need him?
2. Kansas City Chiefs (5-0) — The defense stepped up to the plate on Sunday, and even though Patrick Mahomes threw his first two picks of the year, the offense exploited mismatches against the Jaguar's linebackers and secondary. Chris Jones apparently has a nose for the end zone and an early visit to the showers after throwing flying elbows like the Macho Man.
3. New Orleans Saints (4-1) — Mark Ingram didn't miss a beat, and Drew Brees just became the NFL's all-time leading passer in yardage. What a way to break the record for Brees with a 62-yard touchdown pass at the end of the first half. And thank god David Baker had his Michael Jackson gloves on before he touched the ball. He looks like an extra from "The Sopranos." This one is about Brees, though. Absolutely incredible.
4. New England Patriots (3-2) — With Julian Edelman back, Rob Gronkowski healthy, both backs in the mix, and Josh Gordon making an impact, this Patriots team is starting to come together. I love how they were trying to make this Patriots/Colts game a huge rivalry. That's like calling Kmart and Wal-Mart a rivalry. Kmart parking lots were better served for touch football games.
5. Carolina Panthers (3-1) — The Panthers tried their best to lose this game, but the refs and Graham Gano weren't having any of it. Sixty-three yards is unreal! Cam Newton, dressed as Captain Crunch in his post-game interview, said that a great quarterback is only as good as his kicker. You'll get that one on the ride home. Either way, I'm looking forward to seeing the results of Gano's random drug test this week.
6. Cincinnati Bengals (4-1) — The Bengals maintained their division lead, even after going down 17-0 early. Cincinnati looks like a playoff team through five weeks, and suddenly, resigning Marvin Lewis seems kind of smart. 250 yards, a touchdown and a pick is classic Andy Dalton. Two defensive touchdowns for the Bengals was the difference.
7. Chicago Bears (3-1) — The Bears hope Anthony Miller will be ready to go after their bye this week, and the surprising NFC North leaders have a bunch of winnable games upcoming. Their game in two weeks against New England will be a litmus test. Khalil Mack somehow had 2 sacks and a forced fumble against the bye.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2) — The Jaguars got down early to a better team, and weren't able to recover. Bad things happen when Blake Bortles has to be more than a game manager, but at least Jalen Ramsey was still proud of himself after the game.
9. Los Angeles Chargers (3-2) — This game wasn't in question from the jump. A balanced offense and smart play calling equates to a dub for the Chargers, who are starting to find their groove. If only they could play the Raiders every week.
10. Baltimore Ravens (3-2) — The Ravens fooled me again. It seems like every time I get hyped about Baltimore, they kick three field goals and lose to the Browns. Michael Crabtree should snatch his own chain after that potentially game winning touchdown drop. He has the most drops in the league through Week 5.
11. Minnesota Vikings (2-2-1) — The Vikings are back on track after a much-needed win, and got a little revenge from last year's NFC Championship Game in the process. Death, taxes, overused Kirk Cousins "you like that" impersonations, and Adam Thielen totaling100 yards receiving every week. Put it on the board.
12. Green Bay Packers (2-2-1) — It's upsetting enough that Mason Crosby has to live his life looking like a member of the Lollipop Guild, but after missing four field goals and an extra point, he may have trouble staying employed. I doubt they give up on him, but we can only hope that this doesn't become a trend. Stay tuned for some Aaron Rodgers drama with Green Bay management.
13. Pittsburgh Steelers- (2-2-1) — Antonio Brown's WiFi metaphor was pretty on point when discussing his connection to Ben Roethlisberger, and it was certainly lit in Pittsburgh on Sunday. Once you've exhausted the unplug-replug method and computer restart, my IT guy has absolutely no clue. After this one, I think Pittsburgh starts to turn the corner.
14. Tennessee Titans (3-2) — Beating the Super Bowl champs and then losing to the Bills in consecutive weeks really makes everything come full circle for the Titans. That's what I'd call the complete NFL experience. Marcus Mariotta is more confusing than Shutter Island on LSD.
15. Miami Dolphins (3-2) — After going up 17, the Dolphins fell apart like a Chipotle burrito two bites in. How about you get some sturdier wraps or practice your roll game before I'm stuck with a handful of pinto beans on my lap. And yes, I know that guacamole is extra, but I appreciate you whispering it to me with zero confidence. This is a game Miami should have run away with.
16. Denver Broncos (2-3) — A let-down game for Denver after a heartbreaker on Monday night. The Broncos defense was not so long ago considered the best in the league by a mile. Now, they're giving up 219 yards on the ground to Isaiah Crowell. A fall from grace is an understatement. Elway has his trigger-finger ready on Vance Joseph's future. And he doesn't use Twitter that much so I don't think we have to worry about another Meek situation.
17. Washington Redskins (2-2) — The 'Skins reached in their bag of mediocrity on Monday night in an underwhelming showing against the Saints. Is the NFC East the worst division in football?
18. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3) — There will be no free coffee tomorrow, and I am perfectly fine with that. The Eagles are struggling to find their footing early in the season, though they have enough weapons to turn it around. For now, Jalen Mills deserves a seat on the bench. Unfortunately, Jay Ajayi will be there, as well.
19. Cleveland Browns (2-2-1) — The Browns are a tie waiting to happen. However, Baker Mayfield stepped up when he needed to in overtime, and Greg Joseph did his best Tim Wakefield impression with the game winning knuckleball field goal. Aside from the Raiders game, this defense has actually looked really solid.
20. Seattle Seahawks (2-3) — The Hawks finally got it going on offense, and they would have won the game if not for a fourth quarter collapse. Pete Carroll brought enough gum to share with the class, but that doesn't mean he's going to. You know what I haven't had in awhile? Big League Chew.
21. Detroit Lions (2-3) - Kenny G, the saxophonist, has a Grammy, an American Music Award, and a Guinness World Record. Kenny G, the football player, is also pretty good. Did you see that stiff arm? Aside from their Week 1 blowout, the Lions have been competitive in every game. Keep an eye on this team.
22. Atlanta Falcons (1-4) — The Falcons absolutely needed this win, but came up short. And there's a simple explanation. I'm like 94% sure I saw Dan Quinn at the strip club on Saturday at 3:00 AM giving quite a few dollar bill high-fives. I mean, I wasn't at the strip club on Saturday at 3 AM. What were we talking about again?
23. Houston Texans (2-3) — That's two in a row for the momentum building Texans after an impressive overtime win against their in-state rivals. DeAndre Hopkins continuous use of the B button (or the O button for those who haven't realized Xbox is better) saved us from another tie. Dude was out there looking like Tonya Harding, pre-police baton conspiracy.
24. Dallas Cowboys (2-3) — If you punt it on 4th-and-1, you are too conservative. If they would have went for it and came up short, people would be coming for Jason Garrett's head. It's really a lose-lose situation. Nonetheless, the Cowboys offense just doesn't have enough weapons and Ezekiel Elliot looks like he's Paul Crewe's biggest fan.
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2) — Jameis Winston will take over the starting job after the bye week, and they need him to be a leader. The 2-0 start was an anomaly, though the Bucs still have enough firepower on offense to compete in games. They could legitimately end the Falcons' season next week. We'll see who eats that W.
26. New York Jets (2-3) — An offensive explosion for the Jets in Jersey, as they ran for 300+ yards against a once-praised Bronco run defense. My buddy Eric was at the game, but judging by the amount of Snapchat selifes he took with his wife, he probably didn't see much. His filter game was weak, too. Hey, Eric.
27. Buffalo Bills (2-3) — Even when the Bills win, it feels like they lose. Josh Allen threw for a whopping 82 yards in the win, though it was good to see LeSean McCoy actually given consistent touches. I guess the Bills are better than we thought they were, but that's just because we all thought the Bills are really bad. Turns out, they are only just pretty bad.
28. New York Giants (1-4) — I seem to remember something similar happening last year. The Giants lose an absolute heartbreaker on a near-impossible field goal, and I'll try my best to not blame the refs. Odell Beckham caught a touchdown, threw a touchdown, and threw his team and organization under the bus. A Beckham/Lil' Wayne joint interview was given the green light for some reason. At least bring back "Jacked Up" if you're going to make me sit through that terribleness.
29. Indianapolis Colts (1-4) — The Colts are too one-dimensional on offense, and too inexperienced on defense. Somehow, they stayed in the game and had a chance to win. Eric Ebron's breakout game is uplifting until you realize he was drafted ahead of both Odell Beckham and Aaron Donald.
30. San Francisco 49ers (1-4) — YouTube wouldn't even let me skip that terrible Tai Lopez get rich quick advertisement to watch highlights of this game so I could write my Niners blurb. I felt like I was sitting in morning traffic on the way to work. At least I have a 45-minute dump scheduled to kick off the day.
31. Oakland Raiders (1-4) — Fresh off Jon Gruden's first win since you still had to use "is" in your Facebook status, the Raiders responded by getting absolutely manhandled the Chargers. Trusting the Raiders is like trusting a barber who has a terrible haircut. You had to have known what you were getting into.
32. Arizona Cardinals (1-4) — And the last horse finally crosses the finish line. A rookie-to-rookie connection sparked the Cardinals, leading them to their first win of the young season. Bruce Arians's commitment to his Gatsby hat and DeAndre Ayton's wingspan is still about the only thing to be excited about in Arizona. You're going to need more than a win against a backup quarterback to escape the bottom of the power rankings.
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