Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Washington @ Minnesota (-15)
Kirk Cousins faces his old team as the Vikings, coming off a 42-30 win over the Lions, host the Redskins on Thursday Night Football. Cousins passed for 337 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"The Redskins wouldn't give me a long-term contract," Cousins said. "And while my quarterbacking skills may not be impeccable, my short-term memory is. So, the writing was on the wall. Now, where the Vikings were concerned, the writing was on the check.
"Do I want some kind of revenge against the 'Skins? Maybe. I just hope they realize what they lost when I left. The bottom line is, they didn't think I was good enough to justify signing me to a long-term contract. But just look at my last three games. It proves that I'm 'guaranteed money.'"
The Redskins lost 9-0 to the 49ers, who held Washington to 154 total yards.
"It was chilly with a driving rain in Washington," Bill Callahan said. "So, the field was a cold mess. This team is a hot mess. Our front office? It's a room temperature mess.
"Daniel Snyder and Bruce Allen sit in their ivory tower, eat caviar, and stroke each other's egos, among other things. Can these guys make any wise decisions? They're just as useless at a table as John Riggins under a table."
Cousins' teammates show their solidarity to their quarterback and his desires to play well against his former team, and rally around the mantra, "Do It With Cousins."
Vikings win, 34-14.
Seattle @ Atlanta (+6)
The Ravens overpowered the Seahawks 30-16 to hand Seattle it's second defeat. The Ravens defense held Russell Wilson in check, and returned a fumble and an interception for touchdowns.
"That was just a good old fashioned butt-whipping," Pete Carroll said. "If I would have known it was gonna be that bad, I would have 'ran.'
"They're calling this the 'These Two Teams Are the Reason the Patriots Have 6 and Not 4 Super Bowls' Bowl. So, we're really both a part of the Patriots dynasty. I think we deserve some type of jewelry to commemorate that. Maybe not a ring, but a 'choker' seems appropriate."
The Rams whipped the Falcons, 37-10, at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, sending Atlanta to its fifth straight defeat.
"I don't believe I've 'lost the team,'" Dan Quinn said. "And at this point, I'll take any 'win' I can get. But it seems like the front office has given up on the season. We traded Mohammed Sanu to the Patriots, and we also threw in a towel.
"With this loss, we've reached a new low. On the bright side, Devonta Freeman reached a new high when Aaron Donald lifted him off the ground. Somewhere, Tom Jackson is saying, 'You got JACKED UP!'
"Rest assured Falcons fans will tailgate hard for this game. But they definitely won't be late for the kickoff. If nothing else, they are punctual. In addition, punctuation is important. That's why they've added a question mark to the end of their 'DEFENSE' posters."
Seattle wins, 31-21.
Philadelphia @ Buffalo (-1½)
The Bills beat the Dolphins, 31-21, in a surprisingly tough game and improved to 5-1.
"Maybe we underestimated the Dolphins," Josh Allen said. "We were expecting them to play like a fish out of water, and 'flop.' Now, I know a dolphin isn't a fish. It's a mammal. One thing that defines a mammal is the ability to breastfeed. So, the Dolphins also suck.
"The Eagles hold a special place in the hearts of Buffalo fans. Why? Because they're the only NFC East team not to have beat the Bills in a Super Bowl."
The Eagles lost 37-10 to the Cowboys at AT&T Stadium on Sunday night. Philly committed 4 turnovers and couldn't slow the Cowboys offense at all.
"All the talk was about all of the Cowboys wins came against bad teams," Doug Pederson said. "Now, we can confirm that.
"We know it won't be easy beating the Bills in Buffalo. The Bills bring a lot to the table. Their fans? They bring even more to the table, like choke slams, suplexes, body slams, frog splashes, and Goo Goo Dolls merchandise. One thing they don't bring to the table are foods low in cholesterol."
Eagles win, 22-20.
L.A. Chargers @ Chicago (-4½)
The Chargers are reeling after last week's 23-20 loss to the Titans. L.A. has now lost three in a row and are 2-5 in the AFC West.
"There were three replay reviews that went against us in the final minute," Anthony Lynn said. "That's unheard of. No, not three going against us, but the replay officials getting three right!
"We have to be better in Chicago. If Melvin Gordon wants more touches, he needs to stop being so susceptible to the defense's touches. He hasn't been good at negotiating so far this year, whether it's a contract, or the line of scrimmage."
The Saints eliminated the Bears' rushing attack on their way to a 36-25 win at Soldier Field. The Saints held the Bears to 17 yards on the ground, and Mitch Tribisky struggled trying to make a difference in the passing game.
"You've got to be able to run the ball in this league," Matt Nagy said. "They say a good running game is a quarterback's best friend. And let me tell you, right now, Mitch needs any friend he can get.
"Let me be clear. Mitch is our quarterback. His accuracy may not be the greatest, but neither was Jim McMahon's. Mitch also tried to moon a helicopter once, but missed."
Chargers win, 24-20.
N.Y. Giants @ Detroit (-6½)
The Cardinals beat the Giants 27-21, spoiling Saquon Barkley's return to the lineup. Daniel Jones struggled, with 3 turnovers, and was sacked 8 times.
"Danny certainly was not throwing 'dimes,'" Pat Shurmur said. "Heck, if you're talking accuracy in throwing money, I guess Pac Man Jones did it better in a strip club.
"We had the perfect treatment plan for Saquon's ankle. We call it 'Hot And Cold' treatment. We soaked his ankle in something cold, then followed that with something hot. The secret ingredients were ice, and Chunky Soup."
The Lions lost 42-30 to the visiting Vikings, as Kirk Cousins and Dalvin Cook had their way with the Detroit defense. Cousins passed for 4 touchdowns, while Cook added 2 scores on the ground.
"We can't blame the officiating for this loss," Matt Patricia said. "On the contrary, our defense officially screwed us.
"I'd like to lay to rest the officiating controversy from the Packers game once and for all. And I'd like to do it on this live broadcast on 'Hands to the FaceTime.'"
Lions win, 30-20.
Tampa Bay @ Tennessee (-2½)
The Buccaneers return from a bye week after a disastrous Week 6 effort in London against the Panthers. In that 37-26 loss, Jameis Winston committed 6 turnovers and was sacked 7 times.
"Jameis proved he can be an awful quarterback on two continents," Bruce Arians said. "But I prefer to look on the bright side. So, at least for a day, Jameis was the second best quarterback in the country.
"This is a game between two teams that will struggle to make the playoffs. It almost feels like a fruitless endeavor. I'm sure Mike Vrabel would echo my sentiments when I wonder what's the point of even making the playoffs. We can't win three games in a row in the regular season, much less the playoffs."
The Titans beat the Chargers 23-20, as Ryan Tannehill started for Tennessee. The Titans defense held on a goal-line stand, sealing the win with a recovery of a Melvin Gordon fumble.
"I commend our defense," Mike Vrabel said, "for 'holding out' Gordon from the end zone.
"I was pleased with Tannehill's performance. He's been in this league for eight years. In those eight years, he's earned his Bachelors, Masters, and Doctorate degrees in Game Management."
The Bucs gear up to stop the run, and force the correct quarterback, the opposing one and not their own, to beat them.
Tampa wins, 24-20.
Cincinnati vs L.A. Rams (-12½)
The Rams snapped a three-game losing streak with a convincing 37-10 win over the Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Jalen Ramsey made his Rams debut, and sparked the Rams defense to one of its best performances.
"Jalen didn't come at a small price," Sean McVay said. "We gave up a lot to get him. And Jalen 'gave up' a lot as well to get here. Just ask Doug Marrone. I'm sure Doug was sick of playing the 'back and forth' with Ramsey.
"In any case, Jalen passed his physical with flying colors. Our doctors saw no sign of a back injury, mostly because we've been kissing that 'back side.'"
The Bengals are still winless after losing 27-17 to the visiting Jaguars. Andy Dalton threw 3 interceptions, including a backbreaking pick-6 with the Bengals trailing by only 7 in the fourth quarter.
"Sure," Zac Taylor said, "Andy struggled. But keep in mind, he's playing behind an offensive line that's so bad, 'tackles for losses' is not only a big problem, it's also what we call two of the linemen. And 'guards' are what Andy needs just to walk around in public, because he's a threat to be sacked anywhere."
Rams win, 37-14.
Arizona @ New Orleans (-9½)
The Cardinals smacked the Giants 27-21 at MetLife Stadium for their third straight win. Chase Edmonds rushed for 126 yards and 3 touchdowns, and the Arizona defense forced 3 Daniel Jones turnovers and sacked him 8 times.
"We really got after Jones," Kliff Kingsbury said. "'Danny Dimes' was anything but 'cent-illating.' He was so bad, Pat Shurmur might have to make ''change.'
"Chase was amazing. He even puked in a trash can on the sideline in the first quarter. I think it was just nerves. Chase was so hyped to do well, it briefly got the better of him. He was bound and determined, and gagged."
The Saints dominated the Bears in a 36-25 win at Soldier Field. Teddy Bridgewater passed for 2 scores, while Latavius Murray rushed for 2 touchdowns.
"Teddy's 5-0 as a starter while Drew Brees has been out," Sean Payton said. "There are probably 18 teams that wish Teddy was their backup quarterback. The other 14 teams with he was their starter."
Saints win, 30-17.
N.Y. Jets @ Jacksonville (-6)
The Jaguars beat the Bengals 27-17, led by Leonard Fournette on the ground and a defense that forced 4 turnovers.
"We're now 1-0 without Jalen Ramsey on the roster," Doug Marrone said. "I'm sure Tom Coughlin feels very satisfied with himself. But let's face it, we got the short end of the stick just because Grandpa Coughlin got his cotton briefs in a wad.
"Let me follow that by dispelling a rumor. Gardner Minshew is not the grandson of Joe Namath. But Gardner is so confident, in his abilities and his sexuality, that he would probably let Namath kiss him on the sidelines."
The Patriots crushed the Jets 33-0 at MetLife Stadium, forcing Sam Darnold into a miserable night. Darnold had 5 turnovers and completed only 11-of-32 passes for 86 yards.
"The Patriots defense really confused me," Darnold said. "They made me think I was 'seeing ghosts.' But maybe that white sheet was just a surrender flag.
"Despite the loss, I feel like we're still gonna make some noise in this division. I feel like this is the point in our season in which we do a complete 180 and start a winning streak. To mark that moment, I sat in a car with Le'Veon Bell and we shared a 'turnaround J.' That could also be known as a 'LeShare-It Blunt.'"
Jets win, 20-17.
Oakland @ Houston (-6½)
The Raiders ran into a red-hot Aaron Rodgers and lost 42-34 to the Packers at Lambeau Field. Rodgers passed for 429 yards and 5 touchdowns, and added a rushing score.
"Rodgers identified a weakness in our defense," Jon Gruden said, "and then realized there were 10 more just like it. And the rest is historic.
"Paul Guenther said Vontaze Burfict was a victim of a 'witch hunt' by the NFL. I'd say he was the victim of a head hunt. I didn't think Paul could say something dumber than the game plan he devised for the Packers, but I was wrong."
The Texans lost 30-23 to the Colts in Indianapolis.
"Derek Carr's older brother David played for 5 seasons in Houston," Bill O'Brien said. "In 2002, David was sacked an NFL record 76 times. Ironically, that record 'still stands.'
"Why is that important? Well, I just want Deshaun Watson to understand that even though he's getting sacked an average of 3 times a game, he's got it good."
Texans win, 27-24.
Carolina @ San Francisco (-5)
The Panthers return from a bye week to a tough road game against the undefeated 49ers.
"Kyle Allen will start," Ron Rivera said. "Cam Newton will 'keep pounding.' Or should I say, 'Keep #-ing.' Which, from what I hear, is using hashtags on Twitter to give away fancy, overpriced hats."
The 49ers earned a surprisingly tough 9-0 win over the Redskins at FedEx Field to remain undefeated.
"It wasn't pretty," Kyle Shanahan said. "Of course I'm not talking about Jimmy Garoppolo. I heard a rumor that Jimmy's gonna be the cover model for GQB Magazine.
"But if you want to talk 'ugly,' then let's about our defense. Defensive coordinator Robert Saleh has created a monstrous defense. What he's done is turning heads in the NFL. He could very well be the next defensive coordinator to prematurely get a head coaching job."
San Francisco wins, 23-20.
Denver @ Indianapolis (-6)
The Broncos were trampled 30-6 at Empower Field At Mile High by the Chiefs, who sacked Joe Flacco 8 times.
"Joe's like a statue in the pocket," Vic Fangio said. "Just not as mobile. He couldn't escape a pocket even if he was a hand.
"We traded Emmanuel Sanders to the 49ers for draft picks. We're sad that we had to trade Emmanuel. But he seems to be handling it just fine. In fact, he threw us a going away party."
The Colts beat the Texans 30-23 in a crucial AFC South contest. Jacoby Brissett passed for 326 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"We're 4-2," Frank Reich said, "and Jacoby has passed for 14 touchdowns, which is top 5 in the league. So, Andrew Luck is enjoying his retirement, and so are we."
Colts win, 27-16.
Cleveland @ New England (-12½)
The Patriots embarrassed the Jets 33-0 on Monday Night Football. New England's defense forced 6 turnovers, 5 by Sam Darnold.
"I don't know if our defense can make people see ghosts," Tom Brady said. "I do know our offense can make people see 'GOATs.'
"Our defense is dominating. There are no superstars on that unit. Just a bunch of guys who know how to do their jobs. And speaking of 'jobs,' Robert Kraft has a man-servant named 'Odd Job.' He also has a woman-servant named 'Han Job.'
"I think we have a distinct coaching advantage over the Browns. Bill Belichick can coach circles around Freddie Kitchen. In a battle of 'X's and O's,' Coach Belichick is playing football; Kitchens is playing 'Tic-Tac-Toe.'"
Patriots win, 31-15.
Green Bay @ Kansas City (+5)
The Chiefs beat the Broncos 30-6 on Thursday night, but the thrill of victory was tempered by the news that Patrick Mahomes will miss three weeks with a dislocated kneecap.
"We'll certainly miss Patrick," Andy Reid said, "but I'm confident that with Matt Moore at the helm, we'll be in 'good hands.' And I apologize the Patrick for using an Allstate Insurance slogan."
The Packers beat the visiting Raiders 42-24. Aaron Rodgers dominated, with 429 yards passing and 5 touchdowns, as well as a rushing score.
"I'm 35-years-old," Rodgers said. "So I'm still carrying the torch for older quarterbacks. I'm also using that torch on defenses.
"I've been playing football for many years, and I've never seen a ghost. If I did, I'm guessing I could see right through it, much like I did with the Raiders defense."
Packers win, 30-23.
Miami @ Pittsburgh (-14½)
The Steelers return from a bye week to host the Dolphins, who are 0-6.
"It's Monday night," Mike Tomlin said. "That's means the 'Terrible Towels' will be waving. And for the few Dolphins fans in attendance, I hear their 'Terrible Towel' equivalent is a baby wipe.
"I haven't heard an update on how Antonio Brown GPA in college. Honestly, I don't give an 'F.'"
The Dolphins fought hard at Buffalo, but eventually went down 31-21 to the Bills.
"I was impressed by our effort," Brian Flores said. "Heck, we almost had too much of it.
"I don't want to hear any of that crap about a college team being able to beat us. It won't happen. Because I would never put us in a situation in which we might be able to win."
Steelers win, 27-10.
Leave a Comment