Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
N.Y. Jets @ Baltimore (-14½)
The Ravens earned a tough 24-17 win over the Bills in Buffalo to improve to 11-2 and remain the AFC's No. 1 seed. Lamar Jackson passes for 3 touchdowns, and the Ravens defense held the Bills to just 209 yards of offense.
"We clinched a playoff berth," John Harbaugh said. "But we're not celebrating, because I refuse to celebrate anything the Cowboys or Eagles could also accomplish.
"Lamar now needs 23 yards to surpass Michael Vick's record for rushing yards in a season by a quarterback. Don't feel bad for Vick; his name will still be in the record books elsewhere. In other words, he'll still have a 'record.'"
The Jets beat the Dolphins 22-21 at MetLife Stadium, winning on Sam Ficken's 44-yard field goal as time expired.
"Speaking of 'time expired,'" Adam Gase said, "many Jets fans wish mine had. But I have the support of CEO Christopher Johnson, who told me in November I'd be returning for 2020. That's a far cry from giving me the 'Win or Else' ultimatum. Instead, he gave me the 'Win or L's' ultimatum.
"Le'Veon Bell went bowling last Saturday, even though he had the flu. That probably wasn't the best idea. But I did hear Le'Veon rolled a 251. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing '251' is slang for a joint."
Ravens win, 34-13.
New England @ Cincinnati (+8½)
The Patriots fell to the Chiefs, 23-16, for the second consecutive loss. The loss dropped New England to 10-3, and the Patriots still lead the Bills by a game in the AFC East.
"We actually got boo'ed at home by some of our fans," Tom Brady said. "I totally understand. Our fans are so used to success, they can't deal with the alternative. But let's face it, if we don't make the Super Bowl, we will be able to attend Rob Gronkowski's Super Bowl beach party in Miami. Get this: there's no cover charge, unless you're a crappy defensive back, then there is a 'no cover' charge.
"I hate losing anything. That's includes good-natured bets. I lost a bet on the Ohio State/Michigan game, and I was forced to wear Ohio State colors. As team colors go, that was 'hue-'miliating.
"Defensively, we're doing just fine. Steve Belichick calls defensive plays for us. He's the son of Bill Belichick. How did Steve get that job. I don't know, but 'nepotism' is not the affliction that makes Steve look so weird."
The Bengals lost 27-19 to the Browns in Cleveland despite outplaying the home team. Joe Mixon rushed for 146 yards and a touchdown in a losing effort.
"Apparently," Zach Taylor said, "there was a Patriots video crew videotaping our coaching staff at the Cleveland game. What's the deal here? The Pats are really filming a 1-11 team? That settles it then — the Patriots are up to 'no good.'"
Patriots win, 27-14.
Tampa Bay @ Detroit (+4)
Jameis Winston passed for 456 yards and 4 touchdowns to lead the Bucs to a 38-35 win over the visiting Colts.
"Jameis also added a rushing score," Bruce Arians said, "as well as 3 interceptions. As is usually the case, turnovers were a problem. If Jameis isn't scoring a touchdown, he's usually losing the ball. I think I'll direct him to the 'loss prevention' department, and I'm certain that's not the first time he's heard that.
"I'm still non-committal on Jameis' future as our quarterback. But I've got the feeling that if I coach him longer, I will be 'committed.' On that note, a straight-jacket may be the only way to keep Jameis from throwing interceptions."
The Lions lost 20-7 to the Vikings, who sacked David Blough 5 times and effectively shut down the Lions offense. Detroit is 3-9-1 and mired in a six-game losing streak.
"This is a season we'd like to forget," Matt Patricia said. "Of course, that's easy for lifelong Lions fans to do, because they can't remember a season worth remembering."
Buccaneers win, 27-20.
Chicago @ Green Bay (-4½)
Mitch Trubisky passed for 3 touchdowns and ran for another as the Bears whipped the Cowboys 31-24 on Thursday night at Soldier Field.
"I think my rushing was the key to victory," Trubisky said. "Hopefully, Matt Nagy will take that knowledge and run with it. If he doesn't, his play calling will continue to be a running joke. Why did it take Coach Nagy 12 games to realize the obvious? Apparently, he was in no rush."
The Packers beat the pesky Redskins 20-15 at Lambeau Field, led by Aaron Jones, who rushed for 134 yards and a touchdown and also added 58 yards receiving.
"Aaron doing it on the ground and through the air," Matt Lafleur said. "He's been a TD machine this year. He owes a lot of his success this year to the work he's done with the 'Jugs Machine.' This is the NFL, so let me clarify — that's 'Jugs Machine' the football passing device, not 'Jugs Machine' the exotic dancer. She's a legend in Green Bay, and most famous for her 'cheese nips.'"
Packers win, 23-20.
Houston @ Tennessee (-2½)
The Broncos stomped the Texans 38-24 in Houston, as Bill O'Brien's crew suffered a huge letdown after their win over New England.
"Our effort was terrible," Bill O'Brien said. "So, I told my team, 'Houston, that is a problem.' Obviously, we didn't come to play. And, obviously, the Broncos weren't playing."
Texans win, 23-20.
Denver @ Kansas City (-11)
The Broncos crushed the Texans 38-24 in Houston, shocking a home crowd that just a week ago had witnessed the Texans whip the Patriots.
"That was a good, old fashioned butt-whipping," Vic Fangio said. "Sometimes, you can catch a team looking ahead; I think the Texans were looking behind.
"We think we may have found a franchise quarterback with Drew Lock. Now, that doesn't mean John Elway won't draft another quarterback. Around the league, John is known as the 'Quarterback Whisperer,' because when he decides on a quarterback, he whispers his name so his colleagues can't hear it, which prevents them from laughing at him."
The Chiefs beat the Patriots, 23-16, ending New England's 21-game home winning streak.
"That was a great win," Andy Reid said. "And we got more good news when we found that Patrick Mahomes' hand was not broken. That's the biggest 'hand-related' news to come out of New England since Robert Kraft's spa incident.
"Our gear was accidentally sent to New Jersey. Luckily, we got it back, which is amazing, because when football gear goes to New Jersey, home of the Jets and Giants, it's usually classified as 'lost.'
"In the end, we delivered, with a little bit of help from the officials, who appeared to decide to make up for those phantom tripping calls that benefited the Patriots a few weeks ago. What are the takeaways from this game? One, the Patriots probably won't be playing in the Super Bowl, and two, the officials from Patriots games won't be in the Super Bowl either."
Chiefs win, 25-21.
Miami @ N.Y. Giants (-3½)
The Giants raced to a 17-3 halftime lead at Philadelphia, led by the hot hand of Eli Manning, who hit Darius Slayton for 2 touchdowns in the second half. But the Giants went scoreless in the second half and lost 23-17 in overtime.
"I thought Eli looked like his 'old' self," Pat Shurmur said, "especially in the second half."
The Dolphins lost 22-21 at MetLife Stadium, as an overturned call led to Sam Ficken's game-winning field goal for the Jets as time expired.
"I got very angry at the officials," Brian Flores said. "Maybe I overreacted. I guess I should try to put myself in the shoes of the officials. That shouldn't be hard to do, because, like them, I have no idea what is and is not pass interference."
Dolphins win, 27-24.
Philadelphia @ Washington (+4½)
The Eagles beat the visiting Giants 23-17 in overtime on Monday Night Football to move into a tie with the Cowboys in the NFC East. Philly trailed 17-3 at the half, but stormed back and won on Carson Wentz's TD pass to Zach Ertz on the first possession of OT.
"The NFC East is still a toss up," Doug Pederson. "Could the division come down to a coin flip? That might be the only way to make people give a 'flip' about this division."
The Redskins hung tough in Green Bay before losing 20-15 to the Packers at Lambeau Field. Adrian Peterson rushed for 76 yards and a touchdown, and became the sixth player in NFL history to reach the 14,000 yard mark.
"Even at age 34," Bill Callahan said, "Adrian's still got it. Like his nickname states, he can go 'All Day.' In September, we went 'All Month' without a win. Daniel Snyder and Bruce Allen? Their decision-making is 'all weak.'"
Eagles win, 26-19.
Seattle @ Carolina (+6)
The Panthers lost 40-20 in Atlanta, as the Falcons turned a close halftime lead into a blowout win. Kyle Allen was sacked 5 times and suffered 3 turnovers.
"That was our first game without Ron Rivera as head coach," Luke Kuechley said. "We'll see if our owner David Tepper knows what he's doing in hiring a new coach. Like Jerry Richardson was, Tepper is a 'hands-on' manager. Whereas Richardson was literally hands-on, Tepper is just figuratively that. People remember Ron fondly. People remember Jerry fondler."
Seahawks win, 28-20.
Jacksonville @ Oakland (-6)
The Chargers handed the Jaguars their fifth consecutive loss with a lopsided 45-10 win in Jacksonville. The Jags defense surrendered over 500 yards of total offense and 6 touchdowns.
"Our performance sickened me," Tom Coughlin said. "But I didn't puke, because I have control of my 'Jag reflex.'
"Will Doug Marrone be our head coach next season? If he's not, then our theme song for 2020 will be 'Better Now' by Post Marrone."
The Raiders lost 42-21 at home to the Titans, who buried the Raiders with 3 second half touchdowns.
"We've been spanked in three consecutive games," Jon Gruden said. "And I'm afraid I don't have any answers. There was a time in my career when I had all the answers. That was when I was taking calls on the Corona Hotline."
Raiders win, 30-17.
Cleveland @ Arizona (+3)
The Cardinals lost 23-17 to the visiting Steelers, losing their sixth consecutive game. At 3-8-1, Arizona is last in the NFC West.
"There's no truth to the rumor that we've changed our bird-themed nickname from the 'Cardinals' to the 'Spread Eagles,'" Kliff Kingsbury said.
"I coached Baker Mayfield in college. He was just as outspoken then as he is now. But maybe he should stay out of the discussion involving Odell Beckham, Jr.'s health. Baker is not a doctor, but if he was, he would be an 'OBJYN.' If there's one thing for which he might have a remedy, it's Odell's impotence."
The Browns beat the Bengals, 27-19.
"Odell Beckham, Jr. is dealing with a sports hernia," Jarvis Landry said. "If a sports hernia could take human form, it would be Freddie Kitchens."
Cardinals win, 27-24.
L.A. Rams @ Dallas (+1)
The Cowboys lost their third consecutive game with a 31-24 loss to the Bears at Soldier Field.
"I've said again and again that I won't fire Jason Garrett during the season," Jerry Jones said. "So, it can wait, but I can't wait. You may have heard that defensive tackle Antwaun Woods was recently arrested for marijuana possession. What's my point? Well, where there's smoke, there's 'fire.'"
The Rams avenged a Week 5 loss in Seattle with a powerful 28-12 win over the Seahawks in Los Angeles on Sunday night. The Rams rushed for 162 yards, while Jared Goff tossed 2 touchdown passes.
"We're peaking at the right time," Sean McVay said. "We were 3-3 and struggling mightily at one point this season. But having a .500 record doesn't mean it's time to panic. In some cases, having a .500 record means it's time to prepare to host a playoff game.
"We can't wait to play in Dallas. This year, 'Big D' is a real 'S Show,' and it's no accident that 'implode' rhymes with 'commode.'"
Dallas wins, 26-24.
Atlanta @ San Francisco (-10½)
The 49ers outgunned the Saints 48-46 at the Superdome in a game that featured two lead changes in the final 53 second. The victory put the 49ers back in the driver's seat for the No. 1 seed in the NFC.
"Games don't get much closer than that," Kyle Shanahan said. "The margin was practically the distance between my thumb and forefinger, which is also known as 'Ronnie Lott' in 49er measurement parlance."
49ers win, 30-17.
Minnesota @ L.A. Chargers (+2½)
The Vikings defense shut down the Lions in a 20-7 home win. The Vikes are improve to 9-4.
"As you know," Mike Zimmer said, "I love defense. And I love offense like I love my bowel movements — slow and methodical."
The Chargers snapped a three-game slide with a commanding 45-10 win over the Jaguars in Jacksonville. Phillip Rivers passed for 314 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"And it was Phillip's 38th birthday," Anthony Lynn said. "He may be old, but he can still trash-talk like a young man. That makes his 'bark' worse than his bite. And speaking of 'bark,' if Phillip were a tree and you sawed him down, you'd find 'no rings.'"
Chargers win, 22-20.
Buffalo @ Pittsburgh (-3)
The Steelers beat the Cardinals 23-17 in Arizona, led by a defense that intercepted Kyler Murray 3 times and sacked him 5 times. The Steelers are 8-5 and host the 9-4 Bills on Sunday Night Football.
"This may be the finest coaching job of my career," Mike Tomlin said. "If you would have told me a year ago that I'd be without Ben Roethlisberger, Antonio Brown, and Le'Veon Bell, I would have said, 'Thanks.'"
Bills win, 23-20.
Indianapolis @ New Orleans (-9)
The Saints lost a 48-46 shootout to the visiting 49ers, who kicked the game-winning field goal as time expired. The two teams combined for 981 total yards.
"I'm sure our fans uttered the 'Defense!' chant early in the game," Sean Payton said, "but then they just quit. And apparently, that was the only thing that was 'stopped' on Sunday.
"Despite the loss, we'll still have a home game in the playoffs. But losing to the 49ers made us realize that home field means no guaranteed win. We're not stupid, we'll be wary of all visitors to the Superdome in the playoffs, especially the officiating crew."
Saints win, 31-20.
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