Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
San Francisco vs. Kansas City (-1½)
The 49ers hammered the Packers, 37-20, powered by a rushing attack that bullied the Packers defense for 285 yards on the ground. Raheem Mostert led the charge with 220 yards and 4 touchdowns, becoming the first player to rush for 200 yards and 4 TDs in a playoff game.
"As they say," Kyle Shanahan said, "the road to the Super Bowl goes through San Francisco. Apparently, it also goes through the Green Bay defense, and it's a four-lane highway. And Raheem made it 'the road Most' traveled.'
"And on that highway, there were lots of 'No Passing' signs. Those were for Jimmy Garoppolo. Jimmy carried out our game plan to perfection. He only threw 8 passes, which is 8 more than all but one other NFC quarterback.
"And speaking of other NFC quarterbacks, I hear Aaron Rodgers doesn't believe in God. I also hear he believes he is God. Well, he's not God; he's not even Jesus. Rodgers is 1-3 in NFC championship games; at least Jesus had a 'second coming.'
"The Patriots aren't in the Super Bowl, but Robert Kraft's favorite day spa is in the news. The Orchids of Asia Spa in Jupiter, Florida has a few Super Bowl-themed specials, and what do you know, I'm on the menu. For example, if you're a second-generation football coach, then you qualify for the 'Shanahan-dy.' And very affordable at only $28.03 for a half-hour.
"Like a few beers while being serviced? Inspired by Chiefs offensive lineman Eric Fisher, the 'Double Fister' comes with two beers, as well as a smooth finish.
"Looking for an encounter that concludes with you losing your job and filing for bankruptcy? Then you're looking for the 'Sapp-y Ending.'
"Does hearing a former New Edition crooner put you in the mood? Then the 'Johnny Gill Special' will definitely 'Rub You the Right Way.'
"I know we didn't throw the ball a lot in the NFC title game, but don't think for a second that I lack confidence in Jimmy's ability. I can assure you, if it comes down to a 'Hail Mary' situation against the Chiefs, I would definitely consider letting him throw it."
The Chiefs quickly erased an early 10-0 deficit to the Titans and cruised to a 35-24 win to advance to their first Super Bowl in 50 years. Patrick Mahomes passed for 3 touchdowns and rushed for 53 yards, including a 27-yard TD scramble and the end of the first half that gave K.C. its first lead at 21-17.
"Patrick is an underrated runner," Andy Reid said. "He's actually very elusive. He's been known to make people miss, such as linemen, linebackers, defensive backs, and Chicago Bears quarterback talent scouts.
"We held Derrick Henry to just 69 yards rushing. I guess Frank Clark was right; Henry is 'tackle eligible.' He, and our defense, did an awesome job. If Henry is the 'King,' then he got 'D-throned.'
"We know the San Fran running game is their strength, so first and foremost, we've got to make sure we stop the run. I can promise we won't give up 285 yards on the ground. If we do, then I'll tear defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo a near one. Then I'll hire myself a new one."
For the opening coin toss, Richard Sherman brings out his buddy Antonio Cromartie, who is charged with making the coin toss selection for the 49ers. Cromartie correctly calls "tails," and then elects to "conceive" before Sherman corrects to "receive."
San Fran comes out throwing, and Garoppolo tosses four consecutive passes before calling a timeout to rest his fatigued arm. He then finds George Kittle in the end zone to give the 49ers a 7-0 lead.
Mahomes brings the Chiefs right back, finding Tyreek Hill from 37 yards out for a score. Hill celebrates in the end zone by humping the goal post, and continues the offensive dog-themed celebrations by biting Mahomes right hand. That's right, the one that feeds him.
The Chiefs head to the locker room at halftime with a 20-17 lead.
Shakira and Jennifer Lopez arrive for the halftime show in a limousine chauffeured by Johnny Manziel, who sneaks in some cheap air time for his employer, Direct Auto Insurance, who, ironically, refuses to insure Manziel.
The show begins as Shakira takes center stage, where she is joined by Bill Belichick, and the duet rips through a number entitled "(At Least) My Hips Don't Lie."
Lopez then welcomes Odell Beckham, Jr. to the stage, where Beckham gives her a firm pat on the ass, and while Beckham grinds, Lopez rips into "Jenny From the Back."
Lopez then brings out Progressive spokesperson Flo, and "Hustler and Flo" knock out a quick 30 second promo for Lopez's hit movie "Hustlers."
Shakira and Lopez finish with a rousing medley, covering "Bootylicious," "Baby Got Back," "Rumpshaker," "Fat Bottomed Girls," Milkshake," "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk," "My Humps," "Booty," "All About That Bass," "Shake Your Rump," and "Da Butt."
The game remains close in the second half, and Mahomes ties in at 30 with a shovel pass to Danien Williams with under two minutes left in the fourth quarter.
The 49ers methodically drive into field goal range, and Robbie Gould drills a 49-yard field goal to give San Fran a 33-30 win. Gould is mobbed by his teammates and ceremoniously drenched with lemon-lime Gatorade, experiencing a true "Gould-en Shower."
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