NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 7

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

NY Giants @ Philadelphia (-3½)

The Giants nipped Washington, 20-19, foiling Kyle Allen's two-point conversion pass to secure the win. It was New York's first win of the season, and they are 1-5 in the NFC East.

"Daniel Jones only had one turnover," Joe Judge said. "That's a small victory. We're thinking about trademarking the 'Danny Dimes' nickname. That way, people will see ™ and not necessarily associate it with 'Turnover Machine.'

"We're 1-5, and try not to snicker when I say this, firmly in the NFC East race. It's not entirely impossible for us to win the NFC East. It is entirely possible that a NFC East team qualifies for the playoffs as a wild card."

The Eagles rallied late at Baltimore, but failed to convert a late two-point conversion and lost, 30-28.

"I give my guys an 'A' for effort," Doug Pederson said, "and a 'D-minus' for result.

"We were a playoff team last year. Now, we're 1-4-1. It's like we fell off a cliff and landed on Zach Ertz. Suffice it to say in contract negotiations, Zach's agent and our management are not on the same page. They differ on a lot of things, like the number of zeros."

Eagles win, 27-24.

Detroit @ Atlanta (-2½)

The Falcons throttled the Vikings 40-23 for their first win of the season. Matt Ryan passed for 371 yards and 4 touchdowns, two to Julio Jones.

"We embarrassed the Vikings," Ryan said, "and almost became the first team to get a coach fired two weeks in a row.

"This was our first game without Dan Quinn. We all wish Dan the best, in life and in his search for another job. He's got a good resume, so I hear he has some good 'leads.' But I'm sure he'll blow every last one of them."

The Lions beat the Jaguars 34-16 in Jacksonville, led by a rushing attack that accumulated 180 yards and 3 touchdowns.

"That's a win we really needed," Matt Patricia said. "And one I really needed. It probably saved my job. So, everything has consequences."

Falcons win, 30-27.

Cleveland @ Cincinnati (+3½)

The Bengals blew a 21-0 lead at Indianapolis and eventually lost, 31-27. Cincy fell to 1-4-1, last in the AFC North.

"Obviously," Zac Taylor said, "we're not used to playing with a lead. That's because we're not used to having a lead. And those we do have, we don't keep long enough to garner enough experience of having. It's a vicious cycle."

The Browns were smoked 38-7 by the Steelers in Pittsburgh.

"We just got physically manhandled," Kevin Stefanski said. "And I hesitate to use the word 'manhandled,' because it contains the word 'man.'

"We got down early, and soon after had to go to a different game plan. So, you could say the Steelers 'tore us a new one.'"

Browns win, 31-24.

Pittsburgh @ Tennessee (+1½)

The Steelers crushed the visiting Browns, 38-7, holding Cleveland to just 220 total yards.

"No helmets were forcefully removed during the game," Mike Tomlin said. "Just souls. And dignity. And hearts. And confidence. And any remaining belief that Baker Mayfield is a franchise quarterback.

"But moving on, our first order of business against the Titans is stopping Derrick Henry. Our second order of business is not getting stiff-armed into oblivion in the process. Trust me, no one wants to be the next Josh Norman."

The Titans beat the Texans 42-36 in overtime, led by 212 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns from Derrick Henry, including the game-winner in overtime.

"Derrick has redefined the stiff arm," Mike Vrabel said. "And redefined Josh Norman's reputation as a tackler.

"We expect to be fined by the NFL for breaking some of the league's COVID-19 protocols. So be it. We're 5-0, so when all is said and done, we just might be Super Bowl champions, despite our issues. And, we could also be voted by our peers as the NFL's 'Outbreak Performer of the Year.'"

Titans win the battle of undefeated, 27-24.

Carolina @ New Orleans (-7½)

The Saints had a Week 6 bye and are 3-2 with NFC South rival Carolina due up. Michael Thomas is expected to play for the first time since suffering an opening day ankle injury.

"Michael's ankle is fine," Sean Payton said, "but he just needs to remember that the team comes before himself. We've made Michael an appointment with not a chiropractor, but a 'Me, Myself, and I-ropractor," for an 'attitude adjustment.'

"Now, our next order of business is to get Taysom Hill an appointment with a urologist, so we can find out why he's been so 'impotent' this year."

Saints win, 28-24.

Buffalo @ NY Jets (+12½)

The Jets began the post-Le'Veon Bell era with a 24-0 loss to the Dolphins in Miami. New York is 0-6, last in the AFC East.

"Believe what you will," Adam Gase said, "but I think I'm the right coach to take this team to where it needs to go. And that's to the 2021 NFL Draft with an 0-16 record.

"We released Le'Veon, but we still have to pay him. I'm not sure how much, but I hear we're calling Le'Veon the '$6 Million Man-child.'

"There's some beef between me and defensive coordinator Gregg Williams. We don't agree on anything. One thing we can agree on is that the other is the biggest douchebag."

The Bills lost their second straight, falling 26-17 at home to the Chiefs on Monday. Buffalo surrendered 245 rushing yards, less than a week after giving up 139 in a loss to the Titans.

"That was a big loss," Josh Allen said. "But the biggest 'L' went to Josh Norman in the Titans game. He got stiff-armed into orbit by Derrick Henry. Josh got hang time that would make Ray Guy jealous. Josh is still floating. In fact, we sent him to a methadone clinic, because he still hasn't 'come down.'

"I have a feeling we'll get our rush defense issues figured out. After all, we're playing the Jets, the most dysfunctional organization in professional sports history. So, we're going to stack the box and force the Jets to throw games so they can get the No. 1 pick in the draft."

Bills win, 29-13.

Dallas @ Washington (+3)

With Andy Dalton running the show, the Cowboys offense struggled mightily in a lopsided 38-10 loss to the visiting Cardinals.

"If there's a 'new sheriff in town,'" Mike McCarthy said, "he should have Andy Dalton arrested for failure to appear. We signed Andy to be the 'Red Rifle.' What we got was the 'Red Badge of Discourage.'"

Washington lost 20-19 to the Giants at MetLife Stadium. Kyle Allen's 22-yard TD pass to Cam Sims cut the lead to one, but Allen's two-point conversion pass for the win fell incomplete.

"There's a reason they call me 'Riverboat Ron,'" Ron Rivera said, "and it's not because I was conceived on one. That was Ken Stabler. They call me 'Riverboat' because I'm not afraid to take chances. Like, taking the head coaching job of a team owned by Daniel Snyder.

"I certainly don't take full blame for all of our struggles. Jay Gruden left me a mess here in Washington. I know it's a hot-button topic in this year's election, but the 'pre-existing condition' is a big deal for me, too."

Dallas win, 27-18.

Green Bay @ Houston (+3½)

The Buccaneers blasted the visiting Packers, 38-10, as Tampa's defense got the best of Aaron Rodgers, with 4 sacks and 2 interceptions.

"Aaron really took a beating in Tampa," Matt LaFleur said. "He was sore, but he's doing much better now. So, he just wants to say to all the Packers fans out there: '(Muscle) R-E-L-A-X-ers.'

"I can promise you'll see a different Rodgers in Houston. Aaron will be in the zone. He'll be locked in. He'll be laser-focused. And he won't be stopped, especially by fans seeking autographs."

DeShaun Watson's 4 passing TDs weren't enough, as the Texans fell 42-36 in overtime to the Titans.

"I'm not sure what Romeo Crenel has against an 8-point lead," Watson said. "Has he ever heard of win probabilities? All I can say is, 'Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou analytics?'"

Rodgers throws 4 touchdown passes, out-duels Watson, and the Packers bounce back with a 42-35 win.

Jacksonville @ LA Chargers (-8)

The Chargers had a Week 6 bye and while last in the AFC West, the teams appears to have found its quarterback of the future in Justin Herbert.

"We're so pleased that drafting Justin in the first round worked out," Anthony Lynn said. "If you listen closely, you can even hear the sighs of relief. Or, that may just be the sound of a lung deflating."

The Lions pounded the Jaguars, 34-16, in Jacksonville. The Jags rushed for only 44 yards, while Detroit racked up 180 yards on the ground.

"We obviously have some defensive issues," Doug Marrone said. "And that falls on our defensive coordinator Todd Wash. If you'd need to reach Todd for comment, try looking 'under the bus.' I'll say this: it helps to have a last name of 'Wash' when you know you'll soon be 'done dirty.'

"Offensively, we're also not in a good place. Gardner Minshew has struggled with consistency. We still don't know if he's our quarterback of the future. All we can say for certain about him is that his parents were Lynyrd Skynyrd fans."

Chargers win, 30-17.

Seattle @ Arizona (+4)

The Seahawks emerge from their Week 6 bye with a two-game lead over the Rams and Cardinals in the NFC West.

"We spent our bye week addressing some issues on defense," Pete Carroll said. "Because it took us 14 days to cover them all.

"As long as we have Russell Wilson, we can get by. I've said for years, 'The best defense is an offense that scores more than your actual defense surrenders.'"

The Cardinals pummeled the Cowboys, 38-10, at AT&T Stadium, led by Kyler Murray's 3 total touchdowns.

"I'm still undefeated when playing at AT&T Stadium," Murray said. "What does that tell you? That I'm not a Cowboy."

Seattle wins, 27-24.

Kansas City @ Denver (+9½)

The Broncos shocked the Patriots 18-12 in Foxboro, powered by Brandon McManus' 6 field goals.

"Brandon is clearly our most valuable player," Vic Fangio said. "But you hardly ever read about him. It's the epitome of a player 'out-kicking his coverage.'

"You've probably heard about Melvin Gordon III's DUI a couple of weeks ago . Here in Denver, they're calling Melvin's DUI incident 'The Drive II.'"

The Chiefs beat the Bills 26-17 on Monday. Patrick Mahomes passed for 2 touchdowns, and the Chiefs rushed for 245 yards, including 161 from rookie Clyde Edwards-Helaire.

"This team is more than just Patrick," Andy Reid said. "Patrick is the shiny object that everyone notices, but we have an offensive line and running backs who aren't afraid to get filthy. If Patrick does commercials with 'Jake From State Farm,' our OL and RB's hobnob with 'Jake The Snake From State Farm.'

"We signed Le'Veon Bell after the Jets released him. I see that less of an acquisition and more of a rescue. I hear Le'Veon had an $8 million injury guarantee that the Jets didn't want to risk. We didn't have to offer Le'Veon anything like that. All we had to say was, 'You'll be playing on natural 'grass.'"

Chiefs win, 28-16.

San Francisco @ New England (-3)

The 49ers beat the visiting Rams 24-16 on Sunday night. Jimmy Garoppolo passed for 268 yards and 3 touchdowns.

"Jimmy is headed back to New England for the first time since the Pats traded him," Kyle Shanahan said. "And he wants nothing more than to go into Gillette Stadium and leave with a win. Of all the notches in his bedpost, and there are many, that's one he doesn't have."

Three costly turnovers doomed the Patriots in an 18-12 loss to the visiting Broncos. New England dropped to 2-3, the first time the team has had a losing record in October since 2002.

"You don't win championships in October," Bill Belichick said, "except for the NBA, NHL, and MLB this year.

"Like Cam Newton said, we're not pressing the panic button. This is New England; we don't have a panic button. We did have an eject button, which Tom Brady used when he felt threatened."

Patriots win, 24-21.

Tampa Bay @ Las Vegas (+3)

The Bucs hounded Aaron Rodgers into a miserable day on their way to a dominating 38-10 win over the Packers. Tampa improved to 4-2 and leads the NFC South by a half-game over the Saints.

"Our defense was really pumped up to face Rodgers," Brady said. "Especially Ndamukong Suh. Suh certainly made his presence known. Trust me, Rodgers heard footsteps. Heck, Suh sometimes makes you feel footsteps.

"I'm looking forward to playing in Allegiant Stadium and facing Derek Carr. Derek's a good quarterback, but he has problems with consistency. I can relate, because, at 43 years of age, I have my own problems with irregularity."

The Raiders had a Week 6 bye and trail the Chiefs by just one game in the loss column in the AFC West.

"We took down Drew Brees and the Saints," Carr said. "And I fully expect us to take down Brady and the Bucs. Those would be my two biggest wins as an NFL quarterback. Notice they didn't come in the playoffs."

Bucs win, 28-21.

Chicago @ LA Rams (-5½)

The Rams lost 24-19 to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium and fell to 4-2 and remain a game behind the Seahawks in the NFC West.

"Kyle Shanahan had a brilliant game plan," Sean McVay said. "When applied at Levi's Stadium, it was downright 'jean-ius.'

"My offense isn't the quick strike offense that people often associate with the Rams. Believe it or not, we're actually among the league leaders in time of possession. Call it the 'Slo Cal' offense."

The Bears beat the Panthers 23-16 in Charlotte, led by a defense that sacked Teddy Bridgewater 4 times and forced 3 turnovers.

"After a slow start," Matt Nagy said, "our defense is coming together. They really look strong. Heck, even Buddy Ryan is sitting up and taking notice, and he's dead.

"Nick Foles is proving his worth as a leader. How do I know Nick is a leader? Because he's putting up stats comparable to those of Mitch Trubisky, and we're still winning."

Rams win, 28-20.

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