Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Denver @ Kansas City (-10½)
The Chiefs picked up a tough road victory, beating the Vikings 27-20 at US Bank Stadium. Patrick Mahomes passed for 281 yards and 2 touchdowns, while the K.C. defense held Justin Jefferson in check.
"This is the first of two games against the Broncos in the next three weeks," Mahomes said. "So, you'll likely see the Broncos plummet dramatically in the AFC West standings. Also plummeting dramatically: our strength of schedule.
"Our offense has been a little sluggish at times this year. But I think that will change. Andy Reid is probably the most innovative coach in the league. Heck, he lets the players design plays all the time. And Andy's especially receptive to them when we explain the play using nuggies, or any food, for that matter."
The Broncos dropped to 1-4 after a 31-21 loss to the visiting Jets. Russell Wilson passed for two touchdowns, but the Jets controlled the game on the ground, rushing for 234 yards as a team.
"Please," Sean Payton said, "don't ask me any questions about Nathaniel Hackett. I'd rather face an NFL Bountygate tribunal in a dark, musty dungeon, which is actually where it took place back in 2012, than answer questions about Hackett.
"I have no plans to resign. I signed a five-year, approximately $90 million contract and I plan to honor that, or at least the dollar amount part of it."
Chiefs win, 28-19.
Baltimore @ Tennessee (+3)
Turnovers and missed opportunities spelled a 17-10 Ravens loss to the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Baltimore had a 10-0 lead in the second quarter, then allowed 17 Pittsburgh points in the fourth quarter.
"The Steelers really opened things up in the fourth quarter," Jim Harbaugh said. "One of the things they opened up was a noose, and we stupidly put our necks right inside of it.
"Lamar Jackson can't carry this team by himself. He certainly can't catch his own passes, but if he could, he would be doing things his receivers can't."
Ravens win, 22-16.
Washington @ Atlanta (-2½)
The Bears smashed the Commanders 40-20 at FedEx Field on Thursday night, falling down 27-3 at halftime and never mounting a serious comeback effort.
"I think saying the team quit is a little harsh," Ron Rivera said. "I think saying that 'Ron Rivera quit' would make a lot of Washington fans happy.
"Even Magic Johnson noticed our lack of effort. What does he know about football? That would be like Dr. J diagnosing a knee injury. Hell, just ask Robert Griffin III; he'll probably tell you Dr. J was a more qualified doctor than the one who advised him. Anyway, Magic said we played with 'no fire.' I think Magic needs to stay in his lane, or his court. Just look at our offensive performance in the first half. We couldn't even move the ball. Some people would call that a 'fireable offense.'"
Younghoe Koo's 37-yard field goal as time expired gave the Falcons a 21-19 win over the visiting Texans. Desmond Ridder passed for 329 yards and a touchdown, and added a rushing score.
"And speaking of 'time expired,'" Arthur Smith said, "Desmond's stint as starting quarterback might have had he not played as well as he did. Maybe that had something to do with Kyle Pitts, who, it seems, Desmond actually just met right before the game."
Washington wins, 24-21.
Minnesota @ Chicago (+3)
The Bears snapped a 14-game losing streak with a 40-20 demolition of the Commanders at FedEx Field on Thursday night. For the second straight game, Justin Fields threw 4 touchdown passes, with 3 going to D.J. Moore against Washington.
"Justin was on fire," Matt Eberflus said. "It's like he got rid of the dumpster, and kept the fire."
The Vikings lost 27-20 to the visiting Chiefs, who shut down Justin Jefferson, holding him to 39 yards on 3 receptions. Minnesota fell to 1-4 and are in last place in the NFC North.
"When you take away a quarterback's favorite weapon," Kirk Cousins said, "any quarterback worth his salt will find more weapons. And since we're playing in Chicago, that should be really easy.
"But let's not mince words — we're playing terribly. In fact, you could say we're playing like 'S.' And as this team's leader, I need to rally this team, and the applicable rallying cry for this situation, in true Kirk Cousins fashion, would be 'You smell that?!"
Vikings win, 26-24.
Seattle @ Cincinnati (-2½)
The Seahawks return from a Week 5 bye to face the 2-3 Bengals in Cincinnati.
"We're coming off a win over the Giants in Week 4," Geno Smith said. "And that guarantees that we won't be overconfident.
"I think we all trust Pete Carroll's vision as head coach. He's been doing it forever, I mean, he's been coaching for 50 years. Zac Taylor is 40-years-old. So, Pete's been coaching for longer than Zac's been alive. To put that difference in experience into terms anyone can understand, Taylor is just a baby, and Pete farts when he's walking and doesn't even know it."
The Bengals offense finally showed up in a 34-20 thrashing of the Cardinals at State Farm Stadium. Joe Burrow and Ja'Marr Chase connected for 3 touchdowns, powering the Bengals to their second win of the year.
"To everyone who was worried about this team," Zac Taylor said, "y'all need to just take a 'chill pill,' unless it came from Sebastian Janikowski. Then absolutely do not take it.
"I think Ja'Marr spoke volumes when he said he was 'always F'n open.' Antonio Cromartie, who has 14 children with eight different women, once said he was 'always F'n.'"
Bengals win, 28-23.
San Francisco @ Cleveland (+5)
The Browns return from a Week 5 bye to face their toughest test of the season as the 49ers come to town. Deshaun Watson, who missed Cleveland's last game with a shoulder injury, is likely to play.
"I think Deshaun can be the quarterback that dominated the league in 2020," Kevin Stefanski said. "What is that the kids say these days? 'I'm him?' Deshaun will be saying 'I'm him.' That's good, because I'd rather Deshaun be saying 'I'm him' than twenty or so women saying 'That's him.'"
The 49ers annihilated the Cowboys 42-10 at Levi's Stadium on Sunday night. San Fran's defense overwhelmed the Cowboys attack, forcing 4 turnovers, including 3 Dak Prescott interceptions.
"The Cowboys didn't put up much of a fight," Purdy said. "And we sent them home with their tails between their legs. And apparently, that's the only thing between their legs."
San Fran wins, 24-13.
Carolina @ Miami (-13½)
The Dolphins beat the pesky Giants 31-16 at Hard Rock Stadium. Miami overcame 3 turnovers and used two big plays to turn back the struggling Giants.
"We came out a little flat," Mike McDaniel said. "Which, if you think about it, is not that unusual in the state of Florida.
"We traded with the Bears for Chase Claypool. Most people think we're making a big mistake. I don't. It's like the saying goes: 'When life gives you locker room cancer, you make lemonade."
The Panthers lost 42-24 to the Lions in Detroit, as Bryce Young salvaged a tough day with 2 touchdown passes in garbage time. On the day, Young had 3 TD passes and 2 interceptions.
"We're the last winless team in the NFL," Frank Reich said, "and also the best winless team in the NFL.
"The Dolphins have a multitude of deep threats. That's a multitude more than we have. I'm not even sure we have a receiver who would even be considered a deep threat. In fact, I'm not even sure we have a receiver that could outrun Kevin Hart."
Miami wins, 34-16.
Detroit @ Tampa Bay (+3)
The Buccaneers return from their bye week with the outright lead in the NFC South. Tampa's success is due in part to the resurgent play of Baker Mayfield, who the Bucs signed to a one-year contract in March.
"Baker has found a new beginning here in Tampa," Todd Bowles said. "And he's reinvented himself in a dramatic way. He came into this league as the overall No. 1 pick from a Big 12 school; he's reinvented himself as an 8th-round pick from a Sun Belt school."
The Lions whipped the visiting Panthers 42-24 at Ford Field. Jared Goff had 3 TD passes, 2 to Sam Laporta, and David Montgomery rushed for 109 yards and a TD.
"Dan Campbell's attitude is contagious," Goff said. "When players say they would run through a brick wall for Dan, they probably don't remember saying that a few minutes later. That's because they're either stupid, or have CTE. Me? I would take a door through a brick wall for Dan Campbell."
Lions win, 22-21.
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville (-4)
The Jaguars upset the Bills 25-20 at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium in London. Travis Etienne rushed for 136 yards and 2 scores, and the Jacksonville defense held the Bills to just 29 yards on the ground.
"It's good to be back home," Doug Pederson said. "It's good to be back in a stadium, and in a climate, where fans can relax in a pool while enjoying the game. It's an infinity pool, and in this case, the 'infinity' means once you catch a disease from that pool, you've got it for life."
The Colts beat the visiting Titans 23-16, led by Zack Moss, who ran for 165 yards and 2 touchdowns. Anthony Richardson suffered a shoulder injury late in the first half and will miss Sunday's game.
"Anthony has what is known as a sprained AC joint," Shane Steichen said. "For all the idiots in Duval County, Florida, an 'AC Joint' is not a dive bar with a window unit.
"We're beyond pleased to have Jonathan back. We were smart to sign him to a new contract. Of course, we couldn't have done it without Jim Irsay's approval. As you know, Jim signs the checks around here, as well as prescription pads for himself."
Jaguars win, 28-20.
New Orleans @ Houston (+1½)
The Saints crushed the Patriots 34-0 in Foxboro, handing Bill Belichick the worst shutout loss of his career. Alvin Kamara had a rushing touchdown and became the Saints' career touchdown leader.
"Bill Belichick sucks," Kamara said, "might be what it takes to get Tom Brady back in a Patriots uniform."
Saints win, 23-16.
New England @ Las Vegas (-3)
Mac Jones was benched for the second straight week in an ugly 34-0 home loss to the Saints. Jones had 3 turnovers, one of which was returned for a touchdown.
"You could say he was 'yanked,'" Bill Belichick said. "Or, you could say he was 'pulled.' You could even say he was 'jerked.' I'm of course talking about Robert Kraft at the Orchids of Asia Day Spa qnd Massage in Jupiter, Florida back in 2019.
"I think Mac's athleticism might be more suited to a golf course, or a bowling alley, or a shuffleboard court. You know, the same places my coaching might currently be more suited to."
The Raiders beat the visiting Packers 17-13 on Monday night. The Las Vegas defense picked off Jordan Love three times, while Josh Jacobs' TD run early in the fourth quarter provided the winning points.
"I expect our defense to play just as well against the Patriots," Josh McDaniels said. "There's not a player on the Patriots offense that scares you. Unless you're the Patriots offensive coordinator; then they all scare you.
"Of all the things Bill Belichick misses about the glory days in New England, neither me nor Jimmy Garappolo are number one on that list."
Patriots win, 24-22.
Arizona @ L.A. Rams (-5½)
The Cardinals couldn't stop Ja'Marr Chase in a 34-20 loss to the Bengals at State Farm Stadium. Chase had 15 catches for 192 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Apparently," Jonathan Gannon said, "there was quite a bit of miscommunication amongst our defensive players. They were supposed to be playing a 'Cover 2 defense;' what they actually played was a 'Cover Who? defense.'
"Horrible defense aside, Joshua Dobbs is still carrying our offense. It looks like it may be a toss-up between Joshua and Kyler Murray ... as to who's the best at making Kyler irrelevant."
Rams win, 30-21.
Philadelphia @ NY Jets (6½)
The Eagles beat the Rams 23-14 at SoFi Stadium. Jalen Hurt passed for 303 yards and a touchdown, and added 72 yards and a TD on the ground, as Philly remained undefeated.
"So the NFL is talking about banning the 'Tush Push?'" Nick Sirianni said. "They want to shush the 'Tush Push?' That's 'Tush Push League.'"
The Jets beat Sean Payton and the Broncos 31-21 in Denver to improve to 2-3. The win was somewhat of a vindication for Nathaniel Hackett, whom Sean Payton criticized earlier this year for his disastrous stint as Broncos head coach last season.
"I guess Payton totally removed the 'success' from the word 'successor,'" Robert Saleh said.
Eagles win, 27-21.
NY Giants @ Buffalo (-10)
The Bills looked sluggish in a 25-20 loss to the Jaguars in London. Buffalo couldn't overcome a slow start and fell to 3-2 on the season.
"I felt like we were ready to play," Sean McDermott said. "I mean, I thought we were in the 'zone.' Unfortunately, it was the Eastern Standard Time zone."
The Giants lost 31-16 to the Dolphins in Miami. Daniel Jones was knocked out of the game early with a neck injury.
"Daniel is going to miss some time," Brian Daboll said. "But we have a capable backup in Tyrod Taylor. It's important that we do a better job on the offensive line for Tyrod than we did for Daniel. We have to protect Tyrod, not only from defensive players, but, most importantly, from the Chargers training staff."
Bills win, 31-18.
Dallas @ L.A. Chargers (-1)
The Cowboys barely showed up in an embarrassing 42-10 loss to the homesteading 49ers on Sunday night. Brock Purdy torched the Dallas defense for 4 touchdown passes, while Dak Prescott threw 3 picks.
"Sure, Dak struggled," Mike McCarthy said, "but Jerry Jones reaffirmed his confidence in Dak. And when Jerry Jones talks, people have to listen very closely, because Jerry speaks out of at least four sides of his mouth. I'm not even sure he believes what he's saying half the time."
Cowboys win, 31-27.
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