NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 8

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Tampa Bay @ Buffalo (-8½)

The Patriots stunned the Bills 29-25 at Gillette Stadium, handing the Bills their second loss in their last three games. Josh Allen was outplayed by Mac Jones, who had 2 TD passes and no turnovers.

"You never ever want your name used in the same sentence with 'outplayed by Mac Jones,'" Sean McDermott said. "So that's something Josh will have to live with. And this is Buffalo. You have to learn to live with some things, often four times over.

"But Josh has never met a problem he couldn't handle, or hurdle. And that includes playing for me."

The Buccaneers lost 16-13 to the visiting Falcons, who won on Younghoe Koo's 51-yard field goal as time expired.

"Baker Mayfield has really inspired his teammates," Todd Bowles said. "Heck, he might be the greatest motivator of all time. He talked the Browns into making him the No. 1 overall pick, even over Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson. I can only imagine what he could talk Mike Ditka into doing in a draft."

Bills win, 27-20.

L.A. Rams @ Dallas (-6½)

The Cowboys return from a Week 7 bye with a 4-2 record, 1-½ games behind the division-leading Eagles.

"I think we all enjoy the bye week immensely," Mike McCarthy said. "It's the one week of the season in which Jerry Jones can keep his big mouth shut. Of course, the trade deadline is approaching, so hell, I might wake up on Halloween and find out we've thrown away some draft picks for a player Jerry's, for some reason, taken a shine to. I mean, it's not completely out of the question that I'll wake up and find out Jerry's named himself head coach."

The Rams lost 24-17 to the visiting Steelers at SoFi Stadium. Pittsburgh owned the fourth quarter, scoring 2 touchdowns while holding the Rams to just 20 total yards.

"It doesn't take a genius to see that I'm not always an offensive genius," Sean McVay said. "On the other side, the Steelers dumbed down their offense enough so that even Kenny Pickett could make it work. But let's face it, if the Steelers' second half defense was a human face, it would be Mike Tomlin's mean mug. If our second half offense was a face, it would be my fancy boy visage. I trim my beard more in a day than Mike does in a month.

"As for the Cowboys, I've forgotten more offense than Mike McCarthy knows. And I have a fantastic memory."

Dallas wins, 26-23.

Minnesota @ Green Bay (even)

The Packers came up just short in Denver, losing 19-17 to the Broncos at Empower Field at Mile High. Green Bay went scoreless in the first half, and couldn't quite recover.

"We've been outscored 63-6 in the first half of our last four games," Matt LeFleur said. "I think we should nix the 'Gravedigger' celebration, because we're digging enough holes on our own.

"Nineteen years ago this season, Randy Moss pretended to moon the Green Bay crowd. Also, 19 years ago, we learned that Joe Buck was an f'n baby."

Packers win, 22-20.

Atlanta @ Tennessee (+2)

The Falcons beat the Bucs 16-13 in Tampa. Atlanta rushed for 156 yards as a team and overcame 3 Desmond Ridder fumbles.

"If you're wondering where Bijan Robinson was," Arthur Smith said, "he had a headache. I can promise you this: he didn't develop that headache learning my offense. It's so simple, even a third-grader could learn it. Desmond Ridder can certainly grasp an offense better than he can a football.

"Desmond is on a short leash. I should probably bench him, but I'm very loyal to Desmond. He's what you call my 'ride or die.' Except when he throws an interception that loses us the game. Oh, I'm still loyal. Desmond just becomes my 'ride and die.'"

The Titans had a Week 7 bye and look to turn their season around after a 2-4 start.

"We're not giving up on the season just yet," Mike Vrabel said. "I don't believe in throwing in the towel, and like my fellow former Patriot Zeke Mowatt, I don't believe in throwing on a towel either. So, moving forward, we're gonna let it all hang out."

Titans win, 24-19.

New Orleans @ Indianapolis (-1)

The Colts lost 39-38 to the visiting Browns, who scored a touchdown with 15 seconds left to steal the win. Gardner Minshew had 4 total touchdowns, but also had 4 turnovers.

"Gardner Minshew looks like the kind of quarterback," Shane Steichen said, "who actually would have 2 passing touchdowns, 2 rushing touchdowns, and 4 turnovers. In addition, Gardner Minshew looks like the type of person who would dump an old mattress on the side of the highway.

"Gardner was a little loose with the ball. That's something he needs to work on. Luckily, he's developing a product called the 'Full Body Jock Strap,' which also happens to be his nickname.

"Jonathan Taylor looks like he's back in form. We all think Jonathan is well worth the $42 million the team has invested in him. Jim Irsay is so wealthy, he won't even notice that $42 million disappeared from his bank account, just as he didn't notice when $42 million disappeared up his nose."

The Saints lost 31-24 to the visiting Jaguars on Thursday night. New Orleans had some communication issues between Derek Carr and his receivers that contributed to the loss.

"I was visibly frustrated," Derek Carr said. "As you know, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and give press conferences that can make a grown man cry.

"We're all frustrated. Nobody likes to lose. I hate losing. And I'm sure my teammates hate losing, too. I think it's safe to say my teammates hate losing even more than they hate me."

Saints win, 27-24.

New England @ Miami (-9½)

The Eagles slowed down Miami's high-octane offense in a 31-17 Philly win on Sunday night at Lincoln Financial Field. The Eagles defense held the Dolphins to only 261 yards of total offense, and only one offensive touchdown.

"We were kind of playing at a disadvantage," Mike McDaniel said. "We were down three offensive linemen, and eight unbiased officials. The Eagles were wearing Kelly Green; the officials were receiving money green.

"We are loaded with offensive weapons. Almost too many. We have an embarrassment of riches. On the other hand, the Patriots, offensively, have riches of embarrassment."

The Patriots upset the Bills 29-25, giving Bill Belichick his 300th win. Mac Jones played his best game of the year, with 272 yards passing and 2 touchdowns.

"Mac just needed a little tough love," Belichick said. "Did I yell at him? Yes. Did I tell him to 'Get a grip?' Yes, to which he responded, 'On the nut sack of a New York Jet?' To which I replied, 'What?'

"That '300 Club' doesn't matter at all to me. The only '300 Club' I want to join is the one Vince Wilfork is in. Always remember the club motto: 'If you're food, Vince will 'fork' you up."

Dolphins win, 28-23.

NY Jets @ N.Y. Giants (+3)

The Jets had a Week 7 bye and are 3-3, third in the AFC East.

"We're pumped for the rest of the season," Robert Saleh said. "3-3 might not sound great, but we're happy with that. If you would have told me before the season that we'd be 3-2 with Zack Wilson as the starter, I would have said, 'Uh oh!'

"Aaron Rodgers may be injured, but he's contributing in other ways. I think it's beneficial having Aaron on the sideline. We value his input and his opinions, but only as they relate to football."

The Giants beat the visiting Commanders 14-7 in a defensive battle at MetLife Stadium. Tyrod Taylor had 2 touchdown passes, and the Giants defense sacked Sam Howell 6 times.

"Wink Martindale really had our defense prepared to play," Brian Daboll said. "When the defense held at the goal line to preserve the win, it was 'Game, set, match.' Or, as Wink likes to say in those instances, 'Game, show, host.'

"Tyrod is really playing well. I would seriously consider starting him over Daniel Jones, if Tyrod made $35 million more per year than Daniel."

Jets win, 19-17.

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh (+2½)

The Jaguars started fast and held on to defeat the Saints 31-24 at the Superdome on Thursday. Travis Etienne led the way with 2 rushing scores as the Jags improved to 5-2.

"We call Travis and Trevor Lawrence our 'Clemson Connection,'" Doug Pederson said. "I mean, I hate Dabo Sweeney and his dumb sprint onto the field just as much as everyone else, but I appreciate the NFL players he produces."

The Steelers beat the Rams 24-17 at SoFi Stadium, as Pittsburgh used a dominating fourth quarter to secure the win.

"T.J. Watt had a big interception early in the second half that was crucial to our comeback," Mike Tomlin said. "T.J. is a game-wrecker. He is arguably the best pass rusher in the NFL, as well as arguably the best Old El Paso spokesman. Possibly the only Old El Paso spokesman."

Jaguars win, 25-20.

Philadelphia @ Washington (+6½)

The Eagles beat the Dolphins 31-17 on Sunday night at Lincoln Financial Field.

"There was a lot of talk about how the Dolphins had built their 5-1 record by beating up on mediocre teams," Nick Sirianni said. "I think now we can now say we know what it's like to walk in their shoes.

"We just made a trade with the Titans. We're getting safety Kevin Byard, and, at the behest of the 76ers, we're sending James Harden to Nashville."

The Giants beat the Commanders 14-7 at MetLife Stadium. Sam Howell threw an interception and was sacked 6 times as the Washington offense failed to generate much offense.

"Our offense did generate a lot of defense," Ron Rivera said. "For the Giants and us.

"Sam Howell's favorite holiday is Halloween. Luckily for him, everyday Sunday is Halloween for him, because it's downright terrifying playing behind our offensive line. 'Hogs' they are not. Nor are they any farm animal. Our offensive line is more like what comes out of a farm animal."

Eagles win, 28-24.

Houston @ Carolina (+3)

The Texans return from a Week 7 bye with a 3-3 record, behind the 5-2 Jaguars in the AFC South.

"This will be a battle of rookie QB's C.J. Stroud and Bryce Young," Demeco Ryans said. "Only one is playing like a rookie."

The 0-6 Panthers return from a bye week looking for answers.

"It's frustrating," Frank Reich said. "I mean, who wouldn't feel defeated in our situation?

"I'm confident in Bryce Young's ability to develop. And I think he's confident in my ability to get him there. I have a wealth of experience and knowledge. I may be best known as the guy who led the Bills back from a 35-3 deficit to beat the Oilers 38-35 in the 1992 playoffs. So, I guess my sage advice to Bryce is 'With me by your side. you're likely going to face a lot of 32-point deficits."

Texans win, 27-21.

Cleveland @ Seattle (-3)

The Browns edged the Colts 39-38 at Lucas Oil Stadium. Cleveland's defense surrendered 456 yards of total offense, but forced 4 turnovers, recorded 4 sacks, and blocked a field goal attempt.

"Kudos to our defense," Kevin Stefanski said. "They really came to play ... possibly their worst game so far this year.

"Deshaun started the game, but had to leave early after his helmet hit the turf after a hit. I think this just confirms what we've known for quite a while — Deshaun Watson is broken."

The Seahawks beat the Cardinals 20-10 at Lumen Field to run their record to 4-2, just a game-and-a-half behind the 49ers in the NFC West. With D.K. Metcalf out, young receivers Jaxon Smith-Njigba and Jake Bobo stepped up with touchdown receptions.

"Those two youngsters are blossoming before our very eyes," Pete Carroll said. "Why don't we just call them the 'Legion Of Bloom.' Those guys don't just see me as their coach; they also see me as their mentor, or grandfather, or that man in a fiber advertisement."

Seattle wins, 20-17.

Kansas City @ Denver (+8)

The Chiefs beat the Chargers 31-17 as Patrick Mahomes cut loose for 424 yards passing and 4 touchdowns. One of those TDs went to Travis Kelce, Mahomes' and Kelce's 50th career TD connection.

"Let me just say this," Mahomes said. "Taylor Swift must be quite a gal, because she spent at least four hours with mi idiot brother Jackson in a suite at the game and didn't throw him out of the window.

"Steve Spagnola really has our defense playing well. Andy Reid thinks Steve will again be a head coach in the NFL. And nobody knows 'head coach material' better than Andy Reid. Have you seen how much they use to make his clothes? It's a lot."

Chiefs win, 28-22.

Baltimore @ Arizona (+8½)

The Cardinals lost 20-10 to the Seahawks in Seattle as Arizona lost its fourth consecutive game.

"Kyler Murray is now practicing with the team," Jonathan Gannon said. "As for when he'll take the field as our starting quarterback, I have no clue. And speaking of 'Clue,' if Kyler Murray was a character in the board game 'Clue,' he would never commit any crime in the 'study.'"

The Ravens blasted the visiting Lions 38-6, powered by Lamar Jackson, who accounted for 393 total yards and 3 touchdowns. On defense, Baltimore sacked Jared Goff 5 times and intercepted him once.

"That was a complete and total victory," John Harbaugh said. "It's like we knew exactly what the Lions were doing, almost like we'd used a network of spies to scout them and report their findings back to us.

"On that note, in case you didn't already know, my little brother Jim is an idiot, and a cheater. Michigan is currently being investigated for an elaborate sign-stealing operation. If you ask me, I think Jim is totally innocent ... of having any integrity whatsoever."

Ravens win, 27-20.

Cincinnati @ San Francisco (-5½)

The Bengals enjoyed a Week 7 bye and now face their toughest game of the season against the 49ers at Levi's Stadium.

"Joe is completely healthy," Zac Taylor said. "Earlier in the season, his calf injury was so bad, he couldn't even run an offense."

The 49ers lost their second straight, falling 22-17 to the Vikings in a lackluster performance at US Bank Stadium. San Fran never got their rush attack going, and 3 turnovers sealed their fate.

"Sure," Kyle Shanahan said, "we've lost two in a row. But the sky is not falling, although it feels like it is since we just lost to Kirk Cousins in prime time. I don't like that."

San Fran wins, 23-20.

Chicago @ L.A. Chargers (-8½)

The Bears smashed the visiting Raiders 30-12, led by D'Onta Foreman's three total touchdowns and a defense that stifled the Las Vegas attack.

"One more," Matt Eberflus said, "and D'Onta could have said 'Four man.'

"Tyson Bagent was the first Division II quarterback to start a game in the NFL since 1950. Don't let his boyish looks deceive you. Tyson has that killer instinct. Supposedly, he was named after Mike Tyson, and much like the former champ, he won't hesitate to threaten to eat your children."

The Chargers couldn't stop Patrick Mahomes in a 31-17 loss to the Chiefs at GEHA Field. Mahomes passed for 424 yards and 4 touchdowns as Los Angeles fell to 2-4, 3½ behind the Chiefs in the AFC West.

"I have no doubt that we can turn this season around," Brandon Staley said. "I do have doubts as to whether I'll be here to see it."

Chargers win, 31-20.

Las Vegas @ Detroit (-8)

The Lions suffered a 38-6 beatdown to the Ravens at M&T Bank Stadium. Detroit's defense surrendered 503 yards of total offense, including 393 from Lamar Jackson.

"The Ravens 'murdered' the Lions 'pride,'" Jared Goff said. "I don't think Edgar Allan Poe could have written a more terrifying and gruesome tale, even if he was wasted on absinthe. It's a good thing we're heading back to Detroit. There's lots of assembly lines there; they'll come in handy, because we got totally dismantled.

"I have no doubt Dan Campbell will have us ready to play against the Raiders. In his playing days, Dan Campbell slept with his shoulder pads on. He also slept with his shoulder pads."

The Bears stomped the Raiders 30-12 at Soldier Field. Chicago shut down the Vegas rushing attack, putting the game in the hands of their quarterbacks, who struggled.

"We got beat by a Division II quarterback," Josh McDaniels said. "And he's at least a division better than either of the quarterbacks we played.

"The Bears ran the ball right down our throats. Much like Ja'Marr Chase, I guess, our defense is 'always open.'"

Lions win, 26-14.

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