NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 11

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Cincinnati @ Baltimore (-3½)

The Ravens blew a 24-9 lead in the third quarter and lost to the Browns 33-31 at M&T Bank Stadium. Cleveland outrushed Baltimore 178 to 106 in handing the Ravens their second home loss of the season.

The Browns made plays when it counted most," John Harbaugh said. "Deshaun Watson made some big plays in the fourth quarter to steal the win. You could say he 'pulled it out,' and you damn sure wouldn't be the first person to say that.

"We had won our previous four games by a combined 130-49 margin. I thought we were playing incredible football. Suffice it to say, I'm surprised by our performance. Michael Oher isn't the only Raven to know what it's like to be blindsided."

The Bengals, without Tee Higgins, lost 30-27 to the visiting Texans. The loss leaves the Bengals in last place in the AFC North, and if the season ended today, Cincy would miss the playoffs.

"The sky is not falling," Joe Burrow said. "If it was, Tyler Boyd would probably not catch it.

"The important thing is this: the season does not end today. Now, if the NFL owners had their way, the season would end in April. And players would be called 'indentured servants.' And there would be no guaranteed money. And Jerry Jones still wouldn't be able to shut up."

Bengals win, 23-22.

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland (-4)

The Steelers beat the visiting Packers 23-19 in a hard-fought battle at Accrisure Stadium. Pittsburgh rushed for 205 yards and 2 touchdowns, and the Steelers defense intercepted Jordan Love twice.

"Our defense brings it every single game," Mike Tomlin said. "By 'it,' I mean 'any chance of winning.'

"Now, if we can run the ball like that every week, then we become maybe the only team in the NFL that can win with a quarterback stat line of 13-for-22 for 127 yards and no touchdowns. Those aren't Kenny Pickett's stats exactly, but they're always in that neighborhood. And it's a crappy neighborhood.

"When people mention the Steelers 'O,' it has to be clarified whether than 'O' is a letter, or a zero. We're the only team in the league that has been outgained in every game this season. That's Matt Canada football for you. His last name is the only thing north of any border."

Deshaun Watson engineered a furious fourth quarter comeback that culminated in Dustin Hopkins's 40-yard field goal as time expired, giving the Browns a 33-31 win over the Ravens in Baltimore.

"Deshaun was magical," Kevin Stefanski said. "I don't know if he's ever pulled a rabbit out of a hat, but if 'rabbit' meant 'penis' and 'hat' meant 'pants,' then yes, he has done that.

"But kudos also to our defense. Jim Schwartz and his squad epitomize the working class spirit of the city of Cleveland. Our offense epitomizes low wages, inflation, and economic uncertainty, or all the things that make our defense have to work harder."

Browns win, 19-16.

Chicago @ Detroit (-10)

The Bears vanquished the visiting Panthers 16-13 on Thursday, powered by a defense that held Carolina to just 213 yards of total offense.

"It's no '46 D,'" Matt Eberflus said, "but I think Buddy Ryan would be proud of our defense. And he would also try to punch our offensive coordinator.

"Justin Fields is set to return against the Lions. That means we'll hear less about Tyson Bagent, and more importantly, nothing about his father, the arm wrestler. I didn't think you could get CTE from arm wrestling, but Travis Bagent proves otherwise."

The Lions beat the Chargers 41-38 in a shootout at SoFi Stadium. Detroit piled up over 500 yards of total offense, and Riley Patterson's 41-yard field goal as time expired won it.

"I love the way we're running the ball," Dan Campbell said. "Our offensive line is dominating. You wanna talk about 'gaping holes,' well, Detroit is the place to do it. Just make sure you specify it's within the context of football. Otherwise, you may be subject to some very disturbing images.

"We appreciate all the support from the Lions fans who made the trip out to Los Angeles. The cool thing is you can fly out first and worry about a ticket to the game later. SoFi may be the only stadium in the league that displays a blinking neon 'Vacancy' sign outside."

Lions win, 31-17.

L.A. Chargers @ Green Bay (+3)

The Chargers came up short in an offensive battle against the visiting Lions, who kicked a field goal as time expired to win 41-38. Justin Herbert passed for 323 yards and 4 touchdowns, with 2 scores going to Keenan Allen.

"It really came down to who had the ball last," Brandon Staley said. "And our defense made sure we didn't.

"Justin has all the talent in the world, and all the charisma of a six-inch plain turkey sub. That's still twice the charisma that I have."

The Packers lost 23-19 to the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Jordan Love passed for 2 scores, but also threw 2 interceptions, both in the red zone.

"Jordan just can't make those throws," Matt Lafleur said. "By that, I mean he shouldn't make those throws, and I also mean he doesn't have the talent to make those throws. He's no Aaron Rodgers. His parents are happy that's true, but I'm not.

"I'm still 100% behind Jordan. And he's 100% standing on the edge of a cliff. And I'm 100% planning on pushing him."

Chargers win, 27-24.

Las Vegas @ Miami (-11½)

The Dolphins return from a bye week hoping to erase the memory of their Week 8 loss to the Chiefs in London.

"In this business," Mike McDaniel said, "you've got to have a short memory. And if you're my quarterback, you probably also have other symptoms of CTE.

"But we're ready to get back to what we like to call 'Miami Dolphins football,' and that's making us look awesome by beating teams that suck. And the Raiders fall into that category. I mean, what's so impressive about beating two bad teams in consecutive weeks? Heck, we've done it twice this season, when we beat the Patriots and Broncos in consecutive weeks, then the Giants and Panthers."

The Raiders held on the beat the visiting Jets 16-12 to win their second straight game under interim coach Antonio Pierce.

"I'm straight outta Compton," Pierce said. "Josh McDaniels is straight outta here. Josh is less 'hood,' and more 'hoodie.'

"Maxx Crosby is making a good case to win the NFL Defensive Player Of The Year award. Maxx is a freak of nature, and that is the only thing he has in common with Mark Davis."

Miami wins, 34-16.

NY Giants @ Washington (-4½)

The Giants, with third-string quarterback Tommy DeVito under center, fell 49-17 to the Cowboys at AT&T Stadium. DeVito was sacked 5 times, while Dak Prescott torched the Giants defense for 404 yards and 4 touchdowns.

"Tommy's swam in the Jersey Shore," Brian Daboll said, "so he has faced something as fearsome as the Dallas defense. Whether you're swimming in the Jersey Shore or battling the Dallas D, you're gonna come away exhausted. Anyone who takes a dip in the Shore comes out saying 'I'm pooped,' but mostly because they have a fecal bacterial infection.

"I've got some hard decisions to make. Like, who is my quarterback going forward? And, should I return my 2022 NFL Coach of the Year award now, or wait until it's revoked later?"

The Commanders lost 29-26 to the Seahawks in Seattle and fell to 4-6, third in the NFC East. Sam Howell's 3 touchdowns weren't enough as the Washington defense couldn't stop Geno Smith and the Seattle offense.

"We only sacked Geno once," Ron Rivera said. "And that shouldn't be a surprise, because we traded away our two best pass rushers. We did them a favor, but not us.

"As lame duck coaches go. I may be the lamest. They call me 'Riverboat,' and I'm still not sure why, because the biggest risk I take is wearing white after Labor Day."

Giants win, 23-20.

Dallas @ Carolina (+11)

The Panthers offense was virtually non-existent in a 16-13 loss to the Bears at Soldier Field on Thursday night. Carolina posted only 213 yards of total offense and scored no touchdowns.

"It was quite a struggle," Frank Reich said, "for viewers of this game to keep watching. But we really don't have a legitimate downfield threat. The next time we'll be able to 'go deep' is in the 2024 NFL Draft, when we make our first pick.

"But our struggles aren't all Bryce's fault. He was thrust into a no-win situation, almost literally. But I take my share of blame for our problems. And I will take my share of that blame, and pin it on our offensive coordinator if it's necessary to save my job."

The Cowboys demolished the Giants 49-17 at AT&T Stadium, adding another lopsided win over the Giants to go along with their 40-0 Week 1 win.

"It's wins like these that cost people their jobs," Mike McCarthy said. "But obviously not the scoreboard operators.

"When the Panthers and Cowboys meet, that can mean only one thing: an update on Greg Hardy. Well, here it is: he's either being submitted in jail, or in the octagon."

Dallas wins, 27-11.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville (-6½)

The 49ers blew out the Jaguars 34-3 in Jacksonville, snapping the Jags' five-game winning streak in embarrassing fashion. Trevor Lawrence was sacked 5 times and had three of the Jags' 4 turnovers.

"We were playing like we were Super Bowl contenders," Doug Pederson said. "Then, we just got served a large helping of humble pie. And choked on it.

"Trevor had one of his worst performances as a pro. I think he can be expecting some insulting phone calls to radio shows from disgruntled fans. Those fans, theoretically, could be 'Doug from Jacksonville,' or 'Shad From Pakistan,' or 'Tyler from Spartanburg.'

"Tom Coughlin will be inducted into the Jaguars Ring of Honor. It's gonna be a great day for this organization, one that could only be topped by Shad Khan's mustache going into the Ring of Honor. I wonder if Tom will crack a smile during the ceremony. 'Crack' and 'smile' are two words that pretty much help sum up how people feel about Coughlin, because he's an asshole, and never smiles."

The Titans lost 20-6 to the Buccaneers, who totally shut down Tennessee's offense. Will Levis struggled in his second start, completing only 19-of-39 passes for 199 yards and 1 interception.

"Will is going to experience some growing pains," Mike Vrabel said. "You don't just come into the NFL and find immediate success as a quarterback. Or at least not the ones we draft.

"Will has some serious arm talent. That's the same thing Josh Norman says about Derrick Henry."

Jaguars win, 27-18.

Arizona @ Houston (-4)

The Cardinals beat the Falcons 25-23 in Kyler Murray's first game this season. Murray looked like his old self, and rushed for 33 yards and a touchdown in addition to 249 yards passing.

"Kyler's got skills and moves that no other quarterback has," Jonathan Gannon said. "I think the saying goes 'He plays like a video game' is appropriate. Or is it 'He likes to play video games?'"

The Texans upset the Bengals 30-27 in Cincinnati, as C.J. Stroud continued his impressive rookie campaign. Stroud passed for 356 yards and a touchdown and added a rushing score.

"C.J. has a high football IQ," DeMeco Ryans said, "and is fearless in the face of any defense. Here in Texas, you can say he could fill two 10-gallon hats — one with his head, and another with his nuts."

Texans win, 26-23.

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco (-11)

The 49ers snapped a 3-game losing streak with a resounding 34-3 win over the Jaguars in Jacksonville at EverBank Stadium. Brock Purdy passed for 296 yards and 3 touchdowns.

"After three straight losses," Kyle Shanahan said, "I think our win in Jacksonville was a statement win. And given the name of the Jags home stadium, you could call it a bank statement win. The Jags seemed to have no 'interest' in playing hard. I give them absolutely no 'credit' for their performance."

Baker Mayfield passed for 278 yards and 2 touchdowns to lead the Buccaneers to a 20-6 home win over the Titans. Tampa is now 4-5, just a ½-game behind the 5-5 Saints in the NFC South.

"There is something to be said," Mayfield said, "for being the second-best team in the NFL's worst division. That would be the NFC South, whose winner's location is by far the favorite destination for NFC playoff teams in early January."

49ers win, 27-21.

NY Jets @ Buffalo (-7)

Zach Wilson's interception at the Raiders 15-yard line with 1:22 left in the fourth doomed the Jets in a 16-12 loss at Allegiant Stadium. Eight penalties didn't help the Jets cause, either, as they dropped to 4-5, two games behind the 6-3 Dolphins in the AFC East.

"We've gone 11 straight quarters without a touchdown," Robert Saleh said. "And nearly as many games without a quarterback. Some say our offense is barely worth 11 quarters.

"But I'm sticking with Zach. There's a number of people blaming Zach for much of our troubles. That number is '11,' and it just happens to coincide with the number of players on our defense.

"When I see what Joshua Dobbs is doing in Minnesota, it gives me hope that Zach Wilson could someday be replaced by Joshua Dobbs."

Josh Allen had 4 turnovers, as the Bills stumbled in a 24-22 last-second loss to the visiting Broncos. On Tuesday, Buffalo fired offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey, and quarterbacks coach Joe Brady was named interim OC.

"It's not personal," Sean McDermott said. "It's personnel. I hear in the world of illicit street drugs in Erie County, this would be called a 'quick fix.' And everybody knows that a quick fix always works out in the end. So, see you at the Super Bowl ... as a spectator."

Bills win, 20-16.

Seattle @ L.A. Rams (-2½)

The Rams return from a bye week with a 3-6 record and a healthier Matthew Stafford.

"Matthew's thumb is improving daily," Sean McVay said. "It's all about grip strength, and I think Matthew has it. Heck, his grip's strong enough to yank his wife Kelly out of an online feud with a rapper. So, I think he can hold a football.

"We signed Carson Wentz to backup Matthew Stafford, and give us one more body between Brett Rypien and the field."

Geno Smith's 369 yards passing and 2 touchdowns led the Seahawks to a 29-26 win over the visiting Commanders.

"Playing in Los Angeles is always an emotional event," Pete Carroll said. "That's where I really made a name for myself in the NCAA record books, which the NCAA then threw at me."

Rams win, 27-24.

Minnesota @ Denver (-1½)

The Vikings beat the visiting Saints 27-19, led by another heroic performance from Joshua Dobbs. Dobbs passed for 1 score and rushed for another as Minnesota improved to 6-4.

"Don't let Joshua's extreme intellect hide the fact that he has a killer instinct," Kevin O'Connell said. "Here in Minnesota, we'd call him the 'Whiz-inator' if that nickname wasn't already taken.

"Joshua has a degree in aerospace engineering, but I doubt the fans in Denver care much about outer space. They do care about a space that is even more vast and infinite than outer space, and that's the space from Peyton Manning's eyebrows to his hairline."

The Broncos defense forced four turnovers and Will Lutz kicked a 36-yard field goal as time expired to give Denver a 24-22 win over the Bills on Monday night.

"Since losing 70-20 to the Dolphins in Week 3," Sean Payton said, "we're 4-2. That's pretty impressive if you ask me. A lot of teams can say they're 4-2 in their last six games, but none can say they've done it after a 70-20 loss."

Broncos win, 24-20.

Philadelphia @ Kansas City (-3)

The Chiefs return from a Week 10 bye to face the Eagles in a rematch of Super Bowl LVII, won by the Chiefs, 38-35.

"This game will likely be the regular season's hottest ticket," Andy Reid said. "Everybody who is somebody will be there. And that includes the nation's hottest and most talked about couple: Jake from State Farm and Flo from Progressive.

"To the people who love prime time games featuring the NFL's two best teams, I say 'Feast your eyes on this.' And I love saying any sentence with the word 'feast' in it."

The Eagles are 8-1 and currently hold the NFC's top seed.

"These are two teams with rabid fan bases," Nick Sirianni said. "Ours, however, haven't had their shots. Let me rephrase that. Our fans haven't had their vaccinations; they have had their 'shots,' usually 8-10 apiece the morning of a game. Philly fans favorite Beatles' song is, exclusively, 'Get BAC.'"

Chiefs win, 26-23.

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