Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Green Bay @ Detroit (-7½)
The Lions erased a 26-14 fourth-quarter deficit to beat the Bears 31-26 at Ford Field. Jared Goff shook off 3 interceptions to lead two fourth quarter touchdown drives that secured the Lions win.
"Sure, Jared struggled," Dan Campbell said. "Those picks were pretty bad. But we all have days like this. A 'day like this' for me means I have a pretty good idea what Sean McVay was thinking back in 2021 when he traded Jared away.
"It's always a privilege for us to play on Thanksgiving. I think if the pilgrims could have seen what Thanksgiving has become, they probably would have blamed Satan."
The Packers beat the visiting Chargers 23-20 to improve to 4-6. Jordan Love passed for 322 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"Sometimes," Matt Lafleur said, "Jordan plays like the quarterback we thought could replace Aaron Rodgers. Most of the time, though, he's played like a quarterback who needs replacing.
"The Lions on Thanksgiving will be a tall task for us. They are a very physical team. And to say Dan Campbell is intimidating is an understatement. Dan Campbell looks like he might rip your head off and crap down your neck, but not before politely asking your permission first. Me? I look like a game show host."
Lions win, 28-24.
Washington @ Dallas (-11)
The Cowboys crushed the Panthers 33-10 at Bank of America Stadium. Dak Prescott had 2 TD passes, and the Dallas defense held Carolina to just 187 yards of total offense.
"We did what we were supposed to do," Mike McCarthy said, "and that's take care of business. Now if only a certain player who's out for the season could mind his own business.
"It's Thanksgiving, and that means two things: a football game in Dallas, and comparisons of a turkey's wattle to Jerry Jones' wrinkled scrotum. I'm sure Jerry would give whatever's left in that shriveled man-bag for another Cowboys Super Bowl. Let's be real: it's hard to make a deal with the devil when you are the devil."
The Commanders lost 31-19 to the lowly Giants. Sam Howell was outdueled by Tommy DeVito, who passed for 3 touchdowns, while Howell had 3 interceptions.
"Sam was outplayed by a dude from New Jersey," Ron Rivera said. "And speaking of 'new jersey,' two of our former players who might have been able to help stop DeVito got 'new jerseys' at the trade deadline.
"I realize my job is likely in jeopardy. A lot of people are telling me I must have a bladder problem, because they insist 'I gotta go.'"
Howell has been sacked 51 times this year. The Cowboys defense has 33 sacks this season. I would say both of those numbers are likely to increase significantly.
Dallas wins, 31-17.
San Francisco @ Seattle (+6½)
The 49ers beat the Buccaneers 27-14 at Levi's Stadium and are 7-3, one game ahead of the Seahawks in the NFC West. Brock Purdy passed for 333 yards and 3 TDs to lead San Fran.
"Brock had a perfect passer rating," Kyle Shanahan said. "His 158.3 rating was last achieved by a 49er in 1989 when Joe Montana did it. But let's cool it with the Montana comparisons. Joe won three Super Bowls. Brock couldn't hold Joe's jock strap, much less wear a pair of Skechers while sipping on a Guinness."
The Seahawks faded late and saw a winnable game turn into a 17-16 loss to the Rams at SoFi Stadium. Geno Smith left the game briefly with an elbow injury, while Kenneth Walker III suffered an oblique injury.
"Geno will play Thursday," Pete Carroll said, "but Walker is out. But that doesn't mean we have to abandon the run. I still might abandon the run, especially if it's in the most crucial point of the game."
49ers win 26-16.
Miami @ NY Jets (+9½)
The Dolphins beat the tough-minded Raiders 20-13 at Hard Rock Stadium. Tua Tagovailoa passed for 325 yards and 2 touchdowns, while the Miami defense forced 3 turnovers.
"It took awhile," Mike McDaniel said, "for Antonio Pierce to have his 'welcome to the NFL as a coach' moment. That's because he finally played a team that wasn't based out of New Jersey.
"But Pierce has his team playing like the Raiders of old, when Kenny 'The Snake' Stabler was the quarterback. But Aidan O'Connell is no Snake Stabler. It's one thing to have a quarterback who is an alcoholic; it's another thing to have a quarterback who makes you want to be an alcoholic.
"I hear the Jets are planning on pursuing Davante Adams in the offseason. I think everybody knows that the one thing that can put the Jets over the top is a useful former Green Bay Packers wide receiver."
The Jets lost a 32-6 debacle to the Bills at Highmark Stadium. An ineffective Zach Wilson was benched late in the third quarter for Tim Boyle, who was equally as ineffective.
"Our quarterback room is full of it," Robert Saleh said. "By 'it,' I kindly mean 'ineffectiveness.' That being said, I've named Tim the starter for Friday. Trevor Siemian will be his backup, and Zach will be the emergency quarterback. Let's be real, Zach has always been the emergency QB.
"You could liken our offense to a George Clinton concert tour, because it's in the midst of a three-month 'funk.'
"If Aaron Rodgers wants to return this year, who am I to stop him? The only people that have said 'No' to Aaron are whatever team he played in the playoffs as a Packer after 2010."
Miami wins, 23-17.
New Orleans @ Atlanta (even)
The Saints return from a bye week with a 5-5 record, one game up on the Buccaneers in the NFC South.
"The division race is still wide open," Dennis Allen said. "I don't think any team in the South is capable of running away with the division. We certainly have our limitations. We can't beat any team that is any good, which works out pretty well, because the NFC South has no teams that are any good.
"We've yet to determine if Derek Carr will be able to play on Sunday. I know a lot of people are pulling for him. None of those people are his teammates."
The Falcons also had a Week 11 bye and will face the Saints with Desmond Ridder back as the starting quarterback. Ridder was benched the last two weeks in favor of Taylor Heinicke.
"I hear it all the time," Arthur Smith said. "'Arthur Smith can't make up his mind about a quarterback.' 'Arthur Smith says one thing, and means another. 'Arthur Smith is a bald-faced liar.' 'If Arthur Smith was a shoe, he'd be a 'flip-flop.'"
Saints win, 23-20.
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati (-1)
The Bengals lost 34-20 to the Ravens in Baltimore as Joe Burrow missed the second half with a right wrist injury. Burrow was eventually out for the season with ligament damage.
"Was Joe already injured before Thursday's game," Zac Taylor said. "I can't answer that question, especially if I'm asked by the league.
"If Joe was, in fact, previously injured, then I gambled unsuccessfully on a 'wrist-reward' scenario. Now, our season lies on the shoulders of Jake Browning, who many people often glowingly describe in one word: 'functional.'"
The Steelers lost a 13-10 defensive struggle to the Browns in Cleveland. Pittsburgh again was outgained, with their lone touchdown coming on Jaylen Warren's 74-yard TD run in the third quarter. On Tuesday, the team fired offensive coordinator Matt Canada.
"I've challenged my offense," Mike Tomlin said, "to not be offensively challenged. Some people say Kenny Pickett is trash. They also say our offense is a dumpster. And they also say that Matt Canada was the match that makes it all a dumpster fire.
"I really feel for Zac Taylor and the Bengals. Losing your franchise quarterback is a big deal. Having one is an even bigger deal."
Bengals win, 20-17.
Carolina @ Tennessee (-3½)
The Cowboys slugged the Panthers 33-10 in Charlotte, sending Bryce Young and Carolina to their ninth loss in ten games. Young was battered by the Dallas defense, which sacked him seven times and forced two Young turnovers.
"Sure," Frank Reich said, "Bryce has struggled. But this organization is still behind him 100%. We've surrounded him with support, but not a supporting cast.
"A season like this can be very trying on everyone involved with the organization. I hear the front office is 'trying' to find a way to get rid of me. But I want to see this job through. I mean, you couldn't pay me to leave. You couldn't, but the team sure as heck can."
The Titans lost big in Jacksonville, falling 34-14 to the Jaguars. The Jags built a 27-0 lead midway through the third quarter and coasted to the victory.
"Have you seen Derrick Henry in his new State Farm commercial?" Mike Vrabel said. "Now, we're all being subjected to Derrick constantly discussing home and auto insurance. I'll say this though--those topics are exponentially more interesting than any aspect of Titans football."
Titans win, 23-16.
Tampa Bay @ Indianapolis (-2½)
The Colts return from a Week 11 bye two games back of the Jaguars in the AFC South. Jonathan Taylor is playing at full strength, and Gardner Minshew has proved himself as one of the most valuable backups in the league.
"Gardner looks like the type of guy that would record a spoof sports talk show called 'The Fat Manatee Show,'" Shane Steichen said. "Gardner looks like the kind of guy who would accept an endorsement deal that requires him to say 'Omaha Steaks' as an audible. Gardner looks like the type of guy who would participate in a 'Cannonball Run.' Gander looks like the type of guy who would get arrested and blame it on the smack he was shooting, and not blame it on his race and/or salary.
"Back in 2003, Peyton Manning and the Colts erased a 21-point fourth quarter deficit to beat the Buccaneers 38-35 on Monday night football. I surely don't see a repeat of that, because 1) Neither of these teams could score 35 or more points, 2) Neither of these teams could build a 21-point lead, and 3) Neither of these teams would appear on Monday Night Football."
The Buccaneers lost 27-14 to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium. Tampa moved the ball well, but their defense couldn't stop Brock Purdy, who passed for 333 yards and three touchdowns.
"Our defense has been lit up more than a bong in Ricky Williams' van down by the ocean in Miami," Baker Mayfield said.
"I was briefly a cult hero much like Gardner Minshew. Gardner Minshew looks like the kind of guy who would legally change his name to 'Johnny Football.'"
Colts win, 23-20.
New England @ NY Giants (+3)
The struggling Patriots return from a Week 11 bye hoping to build some late-season momentum. New England is 2-8, which is the worst record in the AFC.
"If there's one thing I've learned this year," Bill Belichick said, "it's humility. If there's another thing I've learned, it's how easily people forget about six Super Bowls.
"Tom Brady said today's NFL has 'a lot of mediocrity.' He's right, and just a little bit of that mediocrity would be a vast improvement to our current quarterback situation. It took me until Wednesday to name a starter at QB for the Giants game. Tragically, I had only three names from which to choose.
"The Patriots and Giants met in two of the most memorable Super Bowls of all time. This game will make it hard to believe those ever happened."
Rookie quarterback Tommy Devito passed for three touchdowns to lead the underdog Giants to a 31-19 win over the Commanders at FedEx Field.
"Am I surprised?" Brian Daboll said. "Not really. Tommy's initials are 'TD,' and that rhymes with 'VD,' which is something Tommy, or anyone from New Jersey, for that matter, has had to overcome.
"As far as our quarterback of the future goes, we find ourselves behind the '8-Ball. The '8' is Daniel Jones; the 'Ball' is his contract."
Patriots win, 23-11.
Jacksonville @ Houston (+1)
The Jaguars bounced back from their blowout loss to the 49ers with a 34-14 win over the visiting Titans. Trevor Lawrence and Calvin Ridley hooked up for two TD's to lead Jacksonville to their seventh win of the year.
"Calvin really showed up after a lengthy disappearance," Doug Pederson said. "And this time, it had nothing to do with a league-mandated suspension for gambling.
"The Texans beat us 37-17 at our place back in Week 3. I haven't let my players forget about that loss. I've stapled articles about that game to the bulletin board. In this case, 'bulletin board' means 'my players foreheads.'"
The Texans and rookie quarterback C.J. Stroud beat the Cardinals 21-16 at NRG Stadium. Stroud threw three interceptions, but more than made up for it with 336 yards passing and two touchdowns.
"C.J. has that Ohio State pedigree," DeMeco Ryans said. "And that's about as close to a 'degree' as football players get at OSU."
Jags win, 29-27.
Cleveland @ Denver (-2½)
The Browns rode their sturdy defense to a hard-fought 13-10 win over the visiting Steelers. Dorian Thompson-Robinson made just enough plays at quarterback as the Browns improved to 7-3, just a half game behind the Ravens in the AFC North.
"Dorian will be our starter in Denver," Kevin Stefanski said. "That will be his first road start this season. We call Dorian 'DTR,' and he is 'DTF,' which means 'down to fly' to an away game and start.
"Now, our defense is arguably the best unit in the league. Opposing offenses find it almost impossible to move the ball on them. That's why Jim Schwart's defense has earned the nickname 'Difficult Brown.' If that term has already been taken to mean something else, then I'm sure our defense wouldn't object to a different nickname."
The Broncos beat the Vikings 21-20 in Denver on Monday night for their fourth consecutive win.
"We've thrust ourselves into the playoff conversation," Sean Payton said. "But we're gonna need to continue thrusting, and I've told my guys that if they can keep thrusting, we will get to where we want to be. Our mantra going forward is 'Trust The Thrust.'"
Browns win, 18-14.
L.A. Rams @ Arizona (+1)
Matthew Stafford returned from a thumb injury to lead the Rams to a 17-16 upset of the Seahawks at SoFi Stadium. Los Angeles scored 10 fourth-quarter points, and survived Jason Myers' missed field goal from 55 yards to hang on to the win.
"Matthew has never met an injury he couldn't overcome," Sean McVay said. "And he's met a lot of injuries. He's basically the Evel Knievel of the NFL."
The Cardinal lost 21-16 to the Texans in Houston. Kyler Murray was solid in defeat, with a passing score and rushing score to keep Arizona close.
"Kyler has really turned things around 180 degrees," Jonathan Gannon said. "This year, he's leading by example. Last year, he was being made an example of.
"The stories of film study being mandated into Kyler's contract were totally overblown. Kyler had nothing against the playbook, but he did have something against Kliff Kingsbury's playbook. Kliff's playbook was about seven pages of actual plays, and 300 pages of 'I'm only here because I coached Patrick Mahomes in college' continually filling those pages."
Cardinals win, 27-24.
Kansas City @ Las Vegas (+9½)
The Chiefs lost 21-17 on Monday night in a rematch of Super Bowl LVII. Kansas City handily outgained the Eagles, but 2 turnovers and a number of dropped passes doomed Patrick Mahomes' best effort.
"To say that our receivers lost this game," Mahomes said, "would be, much like my passes, accurate.
"On the bright side, we've eliminated a lot of guys from ever serving on the onside kick 'hands' team."
The Raiders hung in with the Dolphins in Miami before falling 20-13. Aidan O'Connell threw 3 interceptions, but the Vegas defense kept the Raiders in the game.
"If Aidan would eliminate his turnovers," Antonio Pierce said, "he would be a better quarterback. If Aidan would eliminate his mustache, he would be a better human being.
"I don't even know why Mark Davis hired Josh McDaniels in the first place. Let's face it, Davis is as qualified to choose a head coach as he is to choose a barber."
Chiefs win, 32-17.
Buffalo @ Philadelphia (-3½)
Jalen Hurts scored 2 second half rushing touchdowns, and the Eagles defense shutout the Chiefs in the second half to win 21-17 at Kansas City on Monday night.
"All the credit goes to our defense," Hurts said. "They always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. You could say they got the 'drop' on the Chiefs.
"The 'Bills Mafia' has a reputation as possibly the NFL's craziest fan base. I guess they haven't heard of the 'Phil's Mafia.' They don't throw anything on tables, but they do throw dirt on coffins."
The Bills hammered the Jets 32-6 at MetLife Stadium in Joe Brady's first game as offensive coordinator.
"I'm sure Ken Dorsey must be wondering why he was fired," Josh Allen said. "He also must be wondering what it takes for Nathaniel Hackett to get fired. Let me put it this way: if Aaron Rodgers had a leash on Ken Dorsey, Ken would still be with the team."
Eagles win, 31-28.
Baltimore @ L.A. Chargers (+4)
The Ravens handled the Bengals 34-20 on Thursday night at M&T Bank Stadium, led by Lamar Jackson, who passed for 264 yards and 2 touchdowns, and added 54 yards rushing.
"I'm looking forward to the challenge that playing a Brandon Staley-coached team presents," John Harbaugh said. "I think we can win this game early, like at the opposing coaches' pre-game handshake, when I ask Staley if he's still calling the defense. He will 'lose' it, and so will his team."
The Chargers lost 23-20 to the Packers at Lambeau Field, as Los Angeles lost another close game, again done in by defensive breakdowns.
"You might even call those 'meltdowns,'" Brandon Staley said. "And I had one in the post-game press conference. I'll relinquish play-calling duties when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers. I believe that's a quote from a novel I wrote about defensive philosophy called 'Planet of the Gapes.' And a whole planet of gapes pretty much describes all the holes in my defense."
Ravens win, 30-27.
Chicago @ Minnesota (-3½)
The Bears blew a 26-14 fourth quarter lead and lost 31-26 to the Lions at Ford Field. Justin Fields, returning from a thumb injury, had 1 passing touchdown and rushed for 104 yards.
"That's a game we should have won," Matt Eberflus said. "We're gonna look back on this one day and wonder what happened. That day will be April 25th, 2024, and realize that what happened was exactly what we wanted."
The Vikings lost 21-20 to the Broncos in Denver on Monday night, ending a five-game winning streak.
"Joshua Dobbs threw an interception and lost a fumble," Kevin O'Connell said. "So, if you're asking why we lost that game, well, it's not rocket science. Actually, I guess it is rocket science."
Vikings win, 27-20.
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