Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
L.A. Chargers @ Las Vegas (-3)
The Raiders offense did practically nothing in a 3-0 loss to the visiting Vikings at Allegiant Stadium.
"That was a shootout," Antonio Pierce said. "If you call a shootout a game in which all the shooting resulted in each team blowing off their own respective feet.
"But we had two turnovers that likely cost us the game. If we're going to be competitive, we have to be better. For us, it's all about eliminating the bad things. Like missed assignments, penalties, or visor-wearing douchebags, for example."
The Chargers went scoreless for three quarters in an eventual 24-7 defeat at the hands of the Broncos at SoFi Stadium. If you are reading this, leave a comment. Justin Herbert left the game in the second quarter after suffering a finger injury to his throwing hand.
"Justin was already dealing with a finger injury on his non-throwing hand," Brandon Staley said. "Justin had surgery on Tuesday and will likely have several visits with a finger specialist in his future. By the way, in high school, I liked to refer to myself as a 'finger specialist.' But just like me calling myself an 'elite head coach' now, nobody was buying it then.
"Justin won't be able to play on Thursday, so I've got four words for you: 'starting quarterback Easton Stick.' And the Chargers front office may have four words for me soon: 'Head coach Phillip Rivers.'"
Can it be true? The Raiders just lost a home game 3-0, yet are three point favorites against the Chargers? Can a team cover as a favorite if they don't score? These are questions Staley should ask his team in his Thursday motivational speech. But I'm guessing he'll somehow screw that up. But Austin Ekeler picks up the slack.
Chargers win, 17-14.
Minnesota @ Cincinnati (-3½)
The Bengals beat the Colts, 34-14, as Jake Browning passed for 275 yards and 2 touchdowns and is now 2-0 as a starter this season. Browning left the game in the fourth quarter with hand cramps, but is good to go for Saturday.
"Jake Browning appears destined for greater things," Zac Taylor said. "His name alone could mean a role in the next 'Yellowstone' spinoff, possibly called 'Jake Browning: New Sheriff in Town,' or 'Jake Browning: QB With VD,' or 'Jake Browning: Guns Blazing, No Phasing.'
"Ultimately, Jake will probably be the next backup quarterback who puts in a few good games, then gets a sweet free agent deal that ultimately implodes on the team dumb enough to put their faith in a journeyman quarterback."
The Vikings pulled out a 3-0 win over the Raiders in Las Vegas, winning on Greg Joseph's 36-yard field goal with 1:57 left in the game. In his return from a hamstring injury, Justin Jefferson had w catches before leaving the game with a chest injury.
"That was 60 minutes of pure ineptitude," Kevin O'Connell said. "You could call it the 'Hour of Sour.'
"Joshua Dobbs was benched in the fourth quarter after playing poorly and taking 5 sacks. I know Joshua one day wants to ride a spaceship; for now, he'll just have to ride the pine. Joshua certainly has room for improvement. Given his college education, he has 'space' for improvement."
Bengals win, 23-20.
Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis (-2½)
The Steelers lost 21-18 to Bailey Zappe and the visiting Patriots on Thursday night. Pittsburgh has now lost consecutive games to 2-10 teams.
"Once again," Mike Tomlin said, "we struggled to move the ball. Our fans struggled to watch.
"We're going to have to give it everything we've got to make the playoffs. It's all about effort, and when you talk about effort, one name comes to mind, and it's not George Pickens. Luckily, officials don't carry a white flag, because George would be penalized with it on every play for giving up."
The Colts' four-game winning streak came to an end in Cincinnati, where the Bengals beat Indy 31-14. Indy went scoreless in the second half, and the team only managed 46 yards on the ground.
"At this point in the season," Shane Steichen said, "any loss is a big loss. But we're still the AFC's No. 7 seed. Sure, the pressure's on; we just can't crack. And speaking of 'crack,' Jim Irsay has probably done it. Crack, much like sexual assault claims, is the great victimizer of white billionaires."
Colts win, 23-16.
Denver @ Detroit (-5)
The Lions fell to the Bears 28-13 in chilly Chicago. Jared Goff struggled against the weather and the Chicago defense, which held him to 161 yards passing and only 1 TD, with 2 interceptions.
"Jared has been known to struggle in the elements," Dan Campbell said. "I didn't major in chemistry in college, but I know elements are organized in a table, and I know that Jared is only 'periodically' a decent quarterback. To put Jared's performance in terms a chemist could understand, he was 'Sulfur-Uranium-Carbon-Potassium,' because he 'S-U-C-K'ed.
"As Jared can tell you, we're really an indoor team, which is really appealing to our fair-weather fans. Thanks heavens this game isn't in Denver, because they play outdoors, and the temperature there at this time of the year is often below Jared's ideal playing temperature of 73 degrees."
The Broncos overwhelmed the Chargers 24-7 at SoFi Stadium. Russell Wilson passed for 2 scores, and the Denver defense forced 2 turnovers and recorded 6sacks.
"I thought Russell played much better," Sean Payton said. "I called him out last week after he threw a costly interception against the Texans. Normally, I don't call out players by name, unless the league forces me to under oath. I don't put my hand on a Bible often, but when I do, it burns."
Lions win, 27-24.
Chicago @ Cleveland (-3)
The Bears manhandled the visiting Lions 28-13 at Soldier Field. D.J. Morre and Justin Fields had 2 touchdowns apiece, and Chicago sacked Jared Goff 4times and intercepted him twice.
"We've won two straight games," Matt Eberflus said. "But don't let that run of success fool you — we still have a lot left in the 'tank.'
"I'm impressed with what Joe Flacco's done in Cleveland. It's funny how the Browns have tried to find their franchise quarterback, either through the draft, with dumb picks like Johnny Manziel and Baker Mayfield, or through free agency, by signing an injury-prone sexual deviant, when all they had to do was wait for Joe to age past his expiration date."
The Browns beat the Jaguars 31-27 in the Dawg Pound, led by Joe Flacco and David Njoku, who connected for 2 TD passes. Cleveland improved to 8-5 and holds the No. 5 seed in the AFC,
"Joe has injected some life into this team," Kevin Stefanski said. "Trust me, I've been in a lot of NFL locker rooms, and there's a lot of injecting going on, but very few call what they're injecting 'life.'
"And speaking of 'Dawgs,' Joe's quarterback rating for the game was 92, which just happens to be his age in dog years."
Browns win, 27-14.
Atlanta @ Carolina (+3)
The Falcons lost 29-25 to the visiting Buccaneers, who got 3 touchdowns from Baker Mayfield. With the loss, and the Saints' win over the Panthers, there is now a three-way tie for first in the NFC South.
"Hey," said Arthur Smith, "I'm all for a three-way. But just look at me — the other two people are definitely not.
"We let that one slip away. We had a chance to run away with the NFC South division. In this division, 'running away with it' means you finished 7-10, one game ahead of the second-place team."
The Panthers losing streak hit six games after a 28-6 loss to the Saints in the Superdome. Bryce Young completed only 13-of-36 passes for 137 yards.
"I don't know exactly what percentage 13-of-36 is," interim head coach Chris Tabor said, "but I'm pretty sure it's somewhere between 50% and garbage. I think it leans more towards garbage.
"As a former Alabama quarterback, we need Bryce to be more like Tua Tagovailoa and Jalen Hurts, and less like Mac Jones. Currently, Bryce is so much like Mac Jones that he practically is Mac Jones.
"That's our second six-game losing streak of the season. Hopefully, it's our last. If you do the math, it seems that having three six-game losing streaks in a 17-game season would be impossible."
Upset alert? Yes, the stomachs of Panthers fans who still choose to watch their team.
Atlanta wins, 22-17.
Tampa Bay @ Green Bay (-3½)
The Packers lost 24-22 to the Tommy DeVito-led Giants at MetLife Stadium on Monday night. Jordan Love had two costly second half turnovers, while DeVito added 71 rushing yards to go along with 158 yards passing and a touchdown.
"DeVito has been impressive," Matt Lafleur said. "He's the NFL's next big thing ... soon to no longer be a big thing once defensive coordinators spend the 15 minutes it takes to figure him out."
The Buccaneers forged a three-way tie atop the NFC South with a big 29-25 road win over the Falcons. Baker Mayfield passed for 2 touchdowns and rushed for another to lead Tampa.
"We're 6-7," Todd Bowles said. "If you would have told me before the season that after 13 games, we'd be 6-7 and leading the division, I would have said, 'Wow! We're way better than I thought we'd be, and this division sucks, just like I thought it would be."
Packers win, 27-19.
Houston @ Tennessee (+2½)
The Texans were totally outclassed in a 30-6 loss to the Jets at MetLife Stadium. The stout New York defense held C.J. Stroud to just 91 yards passing, and knocked him out of the game late with a concussion.
"That Jets' defense is no joke," DeMeco Ryans said. "But that Jets offense is. And I guess that makes my defense the punchline, since we gave up 301 yards passing and 2 touchdowns to Zach Wilson."
Titans win, 24-16.
NY Jets @ Miami (-10½)
The Dolphins squandered a 14-point lead with less than three minutes left and lost 28-27 to the Titans at Hard Rock Stadium on Monday night.
"That was a huge loss for us," Mike McDaniel said. "It knocked us from the top seed in the AFC. Anyone with half a brain, so not many Jets fans, know that we need home-field throughout. Cold weather? No thanks. Our offense needs warm weather to be their best, and I need warm weather so I can wear capri pants and expose my tan ankles."
The Jets whipped the Texans 30-6 at MetLife Stadium as Zach Wilson returned as starting quarterback. While the defense stifled the Texans offense, Zach Wilson torched the Texans for 302 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"To go through all the adversity that Zach has this season," Robert Saleh said, "and then come out and play like he did today shows an incredible amount of maturity. Now, I think it's accurate to say Zach is as equally mature as the menopausal women he prefers to date.
"Can our offense continue their play against a pretty good Miami defense? We'll see. This game is gonna be won at the line of scrimmage. I just hope our offense can get to it."
Miami wins, 26-20.
Kansas City @ New England (+7½)
Patrick Mahomes couldn't pull off the final drive magic against the Bills, and the Chiefs lost their third game at home, falling 20-17 to the Bills. A somewhat controversial offsides penalty on Kadarius Toney negated a pass/lateral touchdown that would have given K.C. a 24-20 lead with 1:12 left in the game.
"I was furious with the officials after that game," Mahomes said. "Unfortunately, they didn't realize it because of my voice. Some were saying the 'face of the NFL' acted like the 'ass of the NFL.'
"When you say the word 'dynasty,' the first thing that comes to mind is the 1980s ABC soap opera. Then maybe the Patriots' success in the 2000s."
The Patriots jumped on the Steelers early, building a 21-3 lead midway through the second quarter and holding on to win 21-18. Bailey Zappe threw 3 touchdown passes, and Ezekiel Elliott had 140 total yards and a touchdown.
"I've had some past battles with Mike Tomlin," Bill Belichick said. "Most if not all of those took place on a Sunday in January, and not a Thursday in December. I think what I'm trying to say is this game was meaningless."
Chiefs win, 27-15.
NY Giants @ New Orleans (-6)
The Saints beat the Panthers 28-6 at the Superdome to improve to 6-7 and moved into a tie with the Falcons and Buccaneers for first in the NFC South. Derek Carr passed for 119 yards and 2 short touchdowns to lead New Orleans.
"Derek played pretty well," Dennis Allen said, "on the few occasions when he wasn't playing like crap. Everybody hates Derek. I could add 'playing quarterback for us' to that sentence, and either way, it would be accurate.
"Can Derek say he's on par with his dumb older brother David. Derek's brain has really been bounced around in his cranium this season. But until he becomes so brain damaged that he says the Eagles should start Marcus Mariota over Jalen Hurts, then he can't consider himself a true Carr."
Randy Bullock's 37-yard field goal as time expired gave the Giants a 24-22 upset win over the Packers at MetLife Stadium on Monday night. Saquon Barkly had 2 touchdown runs, and Tommy DeVito had a TD pass and 71 yards rushing.
"If Tommy keeps up this level of play," Brian Daboll said, "pretty soon he's gonna have a 'C' on his jersey, and it will stand for 'Capiche.'"
Saints win, 23-13.
Washington @ L.A. Rams (-6½)
The Commanders had a Week 14 bye and are 4-9, tied with the Giants for last in the NFC East.
"We've lost our last two games by a combined score of 90-25," Ron Rivera said. "That's not good. The only thing that could save us from losing a single game by the score of 90-25 is the fact that we can't score 25 points in a single game.
"I may be the lamest of lame duck head coaches. I'm like a duck with no legs, no wings, and an offensive coordinator hated by most players. That would be Eric Bieniemy, or should I say Eric 'Be the Enemy.'"
The Rams saw a late lead slip away in rainy and windy Baltimore, and eventually lost 37-31 to the Ravens in overtime. Matthew Stafford passed for 294 yards and 3 touchdowns,
"That was a far cry from playing in the luxurious confines of SoFi Stadium," Sean McVay said. "Mostly because we had more fans in Baltimore than we typically do at home."
Rams win, 30-24.
San Francisco @ Arizona (+13½)
The 49ers stayed hot with a 28-16 win over the Seahawks at Levi's Stadium. Brock Purdy passed for 368 yards and 2 touchdowns, and the 49ers moved to the brink of clinching the NFC West title.
"We've already clinched a playoff berth," Kyle Shanahan said. "'The division title is just a foregone conclusion' is something I said back in mid-September.
"Our dominance over the Eagles in Week 13 was such that we were responsible for getting Marcus Mariota some playing time, and apparently, Marcus was so impressive in relief that perennial idiot David Carr said Mariota should be the Eagles starter."
The Cardinal return from a Week 14 bye, following their Week 13 upset of the Steelers in Pittsburgh.
"I don't think anyone expected us to beat the Steelers," Jonathan Gannon said, "especially not our draft analysts. They're in the 'think tank,' and they think we should tank."
49ers win, 34-23.
Dallas @ Buffalo (-2)
The Bills won a huge 20-17 win over the Chiefs in Kansas City. Josh Allen had a passing score and a rushing score as the 7-6 Bills drastically improved their playoff position.
"We were totally prepared to play," Allen said. "Sean McDermott gave an impassioned pregame speech that really inspired and motivated us. In light of recent revelations, I can't tell you Coach's exact words, but I can say the words 'Pearl Harbor,' 'Helter Skelter,' and 'Waco,' were used."
The Cowboys smoked the visiting Eagles 33-13 on Sunday night. Dak Prescott continued his MVP-caliber play with 271 yards passing and 2 touchdowns.
"I love the way we're playing up and down the roster," Mike McCarthy said. "But let's face it, no one will remember how we were playing in December if we don't win the Super Bowl. So, that's the long way of saying 'No one will remember how we were playing in December.'"
Bills win, 30-27.
Philadelphia @ Seattle (+3½)
The Eagles lost their second consecutive big loss with a 33-13 defeat at the hands of the Cowboys on Sunday night. Philly didn't score an offensive touchdown and dropped from the AFC's top seed.
"We're struggling on both sides of the ball," Nick Sirianni said, "and other places as well. So, we need to get our 'O,' 'D,' and 'S' together.'
"I know the Seattle fans are loud and rabid, but they really don't compare at all to the insanity of our fans. I mean, come on, our fans will throw D-cell batteries at the opposing team. Seattle fans, by comparison, throw lithium watch batteries at the opposing team."
The Seahawks lost 28-16 to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium, Seattle's second defeat to San Fran in the last 17 days. Geno Smith missed the game with a groin injury.
"Drew Lock was thrust into a situation with little time to prepare," Pete Carroll said. "And he played pretty well. But let's be real, I just keep Drew around as a friendly reminder that we really screwed the Broncos in the Russell Wilson deal."
Eagles win, 31-21.
Baltimore @ Jacksonville (+3½)
The Jaguars lost 31-27 to the Browns in Cleveland. Trevor Lawrence, playing on an ankle sprain, was out-played by Joe Flacco. Lawrence had 3 touchdown passes, but also threw 3 interceptions and was sacked 4 times.
"Trevor was obviously bothered by his ankle," Doug Pederson said. "But we're gonna keep our eyes on him and make sure his injury doesn't get any worse. Just ask any Jaguar fan; nine out ten know exactly what an 'ankle monitor' is."
The Ravens played from behind for most of the game, but made the plays when it counted most in a 37-31 overtimes win over the Rams. Lamar Jackson passed for 316 yards and 3 touchdowns, and Tylan Wallace's 76-yard punt return for a touchdown won it in overtime.
"I think we found out a lot about ourselves in that game," John Harbaugh said. "Especially our defense.
"The Rams scored 31 points on us. If we're gonna make a run to the Super Bowl, from here on out, we should surrender 'nevermore' than 31 points."
Ravens win, 28-22.
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