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Old 01-16-2004, 11:10 PM   #1
KevinBeane
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Smile The Sports Team From My Area Will Defeat The Sports Team From Your Area

Here's a hilarious "editorial" that was originally printed The Onion (a satire newspaper):

*******************

As you can see from the calendar, the
game is coming up tomorrow night. I'm sure you are as excited for it as
I am, as our cities are rivals and have been for quite some time. Your
confidence in your team is high, but rest assured, you will suffer
humiliation when the sports team from my area defeats the sports team
from your area. On numerous occasions, you have expressed the conviction
that your area's sports team will be victorious. I must admit that every
time I hear you make this proclamation, I react with both laughter and
disbelief. "Ha!" I say to myself with laughter. "What?!" I say to myself
in disbelief. How could you believe that your sports team could beat my
sports team? It is clear that yours is inferior in every way. When the
sporting contest begins, the players on your team will be treated as
though they are inconsequential. It will be remarkably easy for my team
to accumulate more points than yours. There are many reasons for this,
starting with the inferior physical attributes of the players
representing your area. Strength, speed, and agility are just three of
the qualities that the players on the team from your area lack. The
players representing my area, on the other hand, have these traits in
abundance. I would not be a bit surprised if the individuals on the team
from your area were sexually attracted to members of their own gender.
That is how ineffective they are on the field of battle. Underscoring
your team's inferiority is its choice of colors. It is ludicrous to
believe that your team's colors inspire either respect or fear. Instead,
they appear to have been chosen by someone who is colorblind or,
perhaps, bereft of sight altogether. The colors for my team, on the
other hand, are aesthetically pleasing when placed in proximity to one
another. They are a superior color combination in every way. While we
are on the subject of aesthetics, let us compare the respective
facilities in which our teams play. While my team's edifice is blessed
with architectural splendor and the most modern of amenities, yours is a
thoroughly unpleasant place in which to watch a sporting contest. I know
of what I speak, for I once attended a game between our respective teams
in your facility. Let's just say the experience left me wishing that my
car was inoperable that day due to mechanical problems, rendering it
impossible for me to get to your area to attend the game. If you need
another reason why the sporting team representing my area is superior,
look no further than the supporters for the two sides. Not only are the
supporters of the team from my region more spirited, but they are also
more intelligent and of finer breeding than you and the rest of your
ilk. In addition, the female supporters of the team from my area possess
more attractive countenances and figures than yours. Some of the women
from my side that I have observed could make a living by posing for
pictures for major men's magazines. The women who cheer for your team,
I'm afraid, are far too unattractive to do so. One of the more pathetic
aspects of the team from your area is the fact that only people in your
immediate area possess an affinity for it. By means of contrast, the
team from my area inspires loyalty and affection in individuals who live
in many other geographic locations. To illustrate this point, let me
tell a brief story: Recently, I was on vacation in an area of the
country far away from my own, and I saw many individuals wearing items
of clothing that bore the insignia of my team. I approached one such
individual and asked him if he originated from my area. He said no,
explaining that he simply liked the team from my area and had for many
years. Interestingly enough, during this trip, I saw no clothing or
other paraphernalia bearing the insignia of your team. Do you still
doubt that the team from your area is inferior to the one from mine?
Just look at our teams' respective histories. In the past, we have
defeated you on any number of occasions. Granted, there were times when
your team beat my team, but those were lucky flukes. The day of the game
will soon be at hand. And no matter how hard you pray to a higher power
or how many foam accoutrements you wear in support of the team from your
area, your team will be defeated. We will win and you will lose. This is
your fate. Prepare for humiliation. It shall be upon you at the
designated hour.
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"I believe in [a] God who reveals himself in the orderly harmony of what exists, not in a God who concerns himself with fates and actions of human beings." -Albert Einstein
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Old 01-17-2004, 09:36 AM   #2
lmanchur.
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This is a great monologue!
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Old 01-17-2004, 10:05 AM   #3
Packers3045
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HAHAHAHAH LOL
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GO PACKERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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