NFL Weekly Predictions: Super Bowl LVII

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Philadelphia vs. Kansas City (+1½)

The Eagles raced past the 49ers 31-7 behind a potent rushing attack and a defense that exploited a depleted San Fran offense. Brock Purdy was knocked out of the game early in the first quarter with a right elbow injury, and backup Josh Johnson left in the third quarter with a concussion.

"It was a surprisingly easy win for us," Nick Sirianni said. "We weren't 'challenged' by the 49ers, nor were the officials.

"Not only did we end Purdy's run, we also ended his 'pass.' Really though, we gave Kyle Shanahan something he's quite used to — a quarterback whom he'd rather not let throw the ball.

"Ironically, our quarterback's name is 'Hurts.' And he's not hurt. He's healthy and he's got a lot of things working in his favor. Like, an offensive line that can pancake one Bosa brother, and home fans that can eat the other Bosa brother for lunch. Jalen also has an endorsement deal with Frosted Flakes. That could be most important should we win the Super Bowl. Resourceful Eagles fans can apply Frosted Flakes to greased poles, thus making them climbable.

"I'd like to congratulate Tom Brady on his retirement, and wish him well. I also wish him a retirement that lasts much longer than 40 days. And speaking of Tom, I hear there's a movie out called '80 For Brady.' I would soon expect Rob Gronkowski to produce, direct, write, and star in '69 For Gronkowski.'"

The Chiefs avenged last year's AFC championship loss to the Bengals with a 23-20 victory at Arrowhead Stadium. Patrick Mahomes' late third down scramble, coupled with an unnecessary roughness penalty, set up Harrison Butker's 45-yard field goal with three seconds left.

"That was the last of many gutsy plays by Patrick," Andy Reid said. "It was an epic duel; Patrick has an 'epic dual.' I'm referring to his huge pair of testicles.

"Patrick's ankle improved dramatically. After the Jaguars game, it was quite swollen. For comparison, let's say a normal ankle looks like a regular-sized 12-year-old kid. Patrick's ankle looked like me as a 12-year-old kid. And you know me, nothing is regular-sized.

"I think we showed the mayor of Cincinnati that there's no need to question Patrick's paternity. Obviously, Joe Burrow is way too young to be Patrick's dad, and also way too white. Special thanks to talk show host Maury Povich, who was kind enough to address the Cincy locker room to tell Burrow, 'You are not the father.'"

The Eagles win the opening coin toss and elect to receive. Philly sets the tone immediately on 1st and 10 from their own 25 by lining up in their power quarterback sneak formation. Hurts gains 14 yards, the first four on his own and the final 10 being physically carried by three teammates.

The Eagles running game shines, while Mahomes keeps the Chiefs close, and the Eagles head to halftime with a 14-10 lead.

The halftime show begins with Rihanna taking the field, but not before checking with security to make sure Chris Brown is not in the state of Arizona. She opens with a version of her 2006 hit "SOS," with a nod to Brown called "POS."

Then, in a number dedicated to O.J. Simpson and Al Cowlings, Rihanna breaks into her 2007 smash, "Shut Up and Drive."

To honor the hairstyle of Raiders owner and simpleton Mark Davis, Rhianna performs her 2008 hit "Disturbia."

Then, in a shout out to Antonio Cromartie and his eight baby mommas, Rhianna performs "Only Girl (In the World)," followed immediately by "What's My Name?," in honor of Cromartie's 14 children.

Finally, Rihanna offers her opinion of the Kyrie Irving trade to the Dallas Mavericks with her 2009 hit "Russian Roulette."

Hurts connects with A.J. Brown on a bomb late in the fourth quarter to set up a Jake Elliott field goal, giving the Eagles a 27-21 lead. And once again, a Brandon Graham strip sack and fumble seals the Eagles win.

Philadelphia wins, 27-21.

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