NFL Weekly Predictions: Super Bowl LVIII

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

San Francisco vs. Kansas City (+2½)

The Chiefs bullied the Ravens 17-10 in Baltimore to reach their fourth Super Bowl in the last five years. Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce connected 11 times for 116 yards and a touchdown, and the Chiefs defense stymied Lamar Jackson and forced 2 end zone turnovers.

"I guess you could say we're making a habit of this," Mahomes said. "And the Ravens are, as well. After Baltimore's last Super Bowl, some bird must have said 'never more.'

"You can't blame it all on Lamar Jackson. He may have pooped his pants in the past, but the Ravens collectively shit the bed against us. Their streak ended not only with several question marks, but with several skid marks, as well.

"Baltimore had five 15-yard penalties. That's what you call 'being undisciplined.' But thanks to the officials, they were, in fact, disciplined.

"We really got into the Ravens' heads early. Kelce and I were messing with Justin Tucker's equipment during pregame warmups. Or was he messing with us? I refuse to be intimidated by a kicker. I fear no kicker, unless it's Sebastian Janikowski, and he just handed me a drink.

"It's about time the Super Bowl came to Las Vegas. As the slogan goes: 'Las Vegas: Where Quarterbacks Go to Get Benched.' Or, 'Las Vegas: Interim Head Coach Capital of the World.'"

The 49ers scored 27 unanswered points in the second half, erasing a 24-7 halftime deficit, and finished off the Lions for a 34-31 win at Levi's Stadium. San Fran will face the Chiefs in a rematch of Super Bowl LIV, won 31-20 by K.C.

"What a game we had with the Lions," Kyle Shanahan said. "Probably one of the greatest NFC championship games of all-time. And nothing says 'classic NFC championship game' like the words 'Sponsored by Kung Fu Panda 4.' I'm pretty sure the original Kung Fu Panda was former Lion Ndamukong Suh, who redefined the term 'football.' As in, 'my foot is getting ready to connect with your balls.'

"I think the outcome really came down to fourth downs. We were nearly perfect in our fourth down conversions, because we converted most of them into punts. Dan Campbell, on the other hand? Maybe a little too bold with his decisions. But that's Dan. He's like the Calvin Ridley of coaches, because he's always willing to gamble. But who am I to judge what Dan does? If he wants to be that aggressive, I say 'go for it.'

"With respect to Dan and his team, we were the ones biting the kneecaps. I'm really not sure how the kneecap became de rigueur as the body part attacked when you're trying to prove your tenacity. Ask any cannibal — they'll tell the kneecap is the last part of the body you want a bite of. Not tender at all. Like a chicken's neck bone — all bone, no meat."

The first half ends in a 13-13 tie as both teams find success running the ball.

R&B superstar Usher, or if you're Ludacris, "Ursher," takes the field for the halftime show. Usher runs through a medley of his vast catalog of hits in which "U" is used for "You" in the title. Thirty minutes later, he asks the crowd, "Do you hate Roger Goodell?" The crowd responds in kind, and Usher breaks into his 2004 smash, "Yeah!"

Usher then surprises the Allegiant Stadium crowd and worldwide television audience by introducing a hologram of Taylor Swift, who sings here 2022 hit "Anti-Hero" while simultaneously serving as referee in a virtual slap fight between Megan Thee Stallion and Nikki Minaj, proving that Swift, like Travis Kelce, can do two things at one.

To close the show, Usher dedicates his final song to Patrick Mahomes' dad and the police officer who arrested him and ordered him to get out of the car, with the 1998 No. 1 smash, "Nice and Slow."

In the second half, Mahomes seals the win when the Chiefs run their own version of the "Philly Special" as Kelce tosses a 3-yard TD pass to Mahomes.

Chiefs win, 28-24.

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